Anybody left their spouse who refused to divorce?
What should I expect? Esp emotionally. I'm in my mid-30s and I'm planning to move out of my marital home into my family's house, targeting some time this year.

I'm quite worried about these matters tho:
1. Financially. He doesn't exactly support me 100% financially. I do work, but you can say he's like a safety net. Some of my money is tied up in our marital house and I have another property due for completion next year. More commitments MCO doesn't make it any better for my line of work. I am self employed.
2. I feel guilty towards my in laws
3. Moving all of my things from my marital house *headache thinking about the mess and packing* AND also, I probably have to sneakily move out when he's away. I really don't wanna do it when he's home n have all that drama to deal with.
4. Our marital home, which has both our names. It's such a bad time to sell uuurrghhhh. We bought our house 5 years ago when prices were kinda at its peak.

It's going to be a big change, I expect and I already expect that I may fall into depression for quite some time after that. If only he also wanted a divorce then we could have joint petition, 3 years ago. No cheating or spouse abuse reasons fyi. I've been unhappy for a long time and tahan all i can tahan in this marriage. We have no kids... so i've been asking myself, "Who am i living for???" Why stay in a marriage where I'm so unhappy that i silently cry at night in bed, next to my "bedmate"?? Because of the stigma of divorce? Bah!

But it is tough taking that first step to leave a situation that i'm getting more used to as time passes by (but not any happier with). I'm mustering my courage. Would be helpful if other ppl who have had to walk this path share their wisdom. Thanks in advance.

i looked for reasons of leaving in your post but cant find any, curious why? is it simply the spark fizzled out?
i didnt see any physical or mental abuse from his end

Sorry to hear your situation.

Assume you are a non Muslim.

You can divorce either by :-
Mutual consent
Prove physical and mental abuse
Stay apart from each other for 2 years ( must be proven that you two are not functioning as a family unit ). Once proven, the marriage is null. This process still must go through lawyer and such.

Alimony and such, all I can say is good luck trying to get that from him.

As for the house, Both of you have to agree to sell, then can sell anytime. If one party resist, then need to divorce then get lawyer to split the house. This also can get into issues in terms of value and such. Example, if he is paying all the while its unfair if you ask half the value. Again, its all a matter of tolerance and acceptance.

Sorry, but what made you both get married, and what changed?

We got married because we had been dating a while (4 years). Yes i admit that I submitted to society's pressures of getting married at a certain age. But back then, i thought, never try, never know and I didn't wanna waste the 4 years I spent with this guy.
What changed was majority him. Of course you can't hear his POV in this case...but i do think i have the ability to be fair and whereas I am still pretty much the same passionate, affectionate, loving partner.... over the years, he became almost the opposite.




Actually, in my first draft (i wrote 3 drafts, it wasn't easy exposing my feelings like that).. I did write about why but then it was so long and i didn't think anyone would wanna read such a longass post
Maybe the spark fizzled out on his end which in turn, influenced me and also changed me into a person like him. No physical abuse, but perhaps mental abuse got. Depends on one's definition.



Anyway since u guys asked.... grandmother story up ahead; my husband and I are very very different ppl. To give u a slight idea abt him,think IT guy who doesn't need to talk to humans if he can help it + gamer + amine + manga + slow pace... that kinda guy. Me = a job where I have to engage with humans all the time + love to talk/communicate + sporty + like to try new things + fast pace. Bottom line is, in the beginning as usual, things were great...that lasted approx 6-8 months before there were slight changes from him. I'm experienced and realistic enough to NOT expect that honeymoon phase will last forever. So i closed one eye and tried to give and take. For example, from him actually telling me he can't stop kissing me....to him pulling away one time when I tried to kiss him when he got back from work. Thereafter, the french kissing mostly happened before/during coitus time. Also his impatience over small things started showing. Showing unhappy face for errands such as helping me buy some tools from a store near his hse for example. So in the beginning it was just little things like that, and i still thought that we complemented each other bcoz we were lacking wat the other party had and he was also good/nice at times. Because I've never had a really really long rship b4(my longest prior to this was about 2 years), I thought that i had to try my hardest in this rship. Adulting lah , in other words.

So, as time progressed these few things happened:
-There was not much physical affection, even when i hugged him, often he wouldn't hug me back until i grumbled...yea he wld just stand there while i hugged him. In bed, forget about cuddling. His excuse is that he feels hot although the aircond is always on. This is v diff when in the first few years, he would at least hug me for 10 mins or so before setting me aside to sleep. We are seriously like bedmates... i used to wonder how can a man and woman sleep in the same bed and yet be worlds apart, and i've come to experienced that. No intimacy, no bonding, no nth!
-He would constantly snap/spk rudely to me over the smallest of things. He's very easily irritated. Have u seen those couples where one or both parties constantly roll their eyes and spk damn rudely to each other? like "hou fan kam yong"
-He has in 3-4 occasions, humiliated me in public by scolding (with vulgar words too) me in front of friends/strangers who happened to be around us. Also over the smallest of issues and pls don't think i started shouting or throwin my temper first, because i didn't. In one of those times, i was simply trying to be helpful when i kena fr him. But pls don't think I'm a mousy person who is too afraid to fight bac... I'm not. But I dislike airing my dirty laundry for the public to see like that. Oh and after the scolding incidents he will refuse to apologise or very very reluctantly apologise.
-In the first 4 years or so, coitus was about 2-3 times a week (first few months was practically daily). But in the last 3 years, it became around 1-2 times a mont, sometimes even 2 months without any. Unless we were trying for kids (which we did for about 1 year) and actually this having kids thingy is in the next point. Back to the coitus... can u imagine what I feel like as a woman , to be rejected by my own husband? Ppl always generalise how men are so hamsup and they need sex, but once when we were trying...i straddled him and he actually "TSK" me and gave me the face of annoyance (he was playing game on his hp). WTF. I was so pissed that i threw a fit. We have spoken about this, and he said he felt dirty/uncomfy/skin issues yada yada......many times he's given me similar excuses....and in one of my frus moments, I shouted at him, "how long more do u want me to wait for u to settle yr issues???!!!??!!! " I think other women will understand when i say that certain times of the month, when our hormones peak... we also have our own needs. Also, he's a dead fish in bed, selfish lover no doubt abt it. Now, I am a semi vainpot, so i do watch wat i eat and I do exercise 3-4 times a month ........ i can't say the same for him, he exercises 2 months one time. I can super relate
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/3755480/all
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/4782935/all
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/4960510

-Children issue. I'm more keen and he's not that keen, he refuses to get fertility tests done. He said let things go with the flow, if we are blssed w kids then so be it. FYI, i'm not like die die also need to have kids...but having coitus once or 2x a month...wat are my chances lah?? I can relate to this https://forum.lowyat.net/index.php?act=ST&f=23&t=4967886&st=
Whenever ppl asks about us having kids... i feel like screaming sometimes to them, how to have kids when we have sex once a month?!?!?!
-He's not pleasant to be with, especially on holidays. Some ppl have advised us to go on holiday and try for kids since usually holiday = less stressful. Buttttttt let me tell u, we get even more stressed up during hols because we fight on majority of our overseas trips. We have only not fought when family members were with us; i even invited my sibling to join along for our honeymoon because I was afraid we were gonna ruin it by fighting. Once, everyday of our 9 days trip except for the last day... we were mostly not on spkg terms. I was so angry that i even forgot i bought tickets to some tourist attraction centre.
-he's not a team player. For me, it's important that bf/gf or husband/wife work well together....but most of the time, he calculates a lot. EG why must he hang/wash the clothes when most of the clothes are mine? Stuff similar to this. I already try to do the harder housework to make it easier for him.


And many more... too much to write, because well, can't be a rship this long be summarised in these few points nia rite. I've come to a conclusion that we are just 2 super duper diff human beings. Opposites may complement each other but not total opposites with very little in common.
I tried to fix our problems in the beginning, I tried to talk and communicate w him, many times thru various methods like text or f2f. But his auto defense mode will be to totally ignore me, even when it is face to face...he'll just stare at his comp. I think he has a serious issue ( or maybe common amongst guys??) in expressing his feelings. I asked him to see a couples counselor but he refused rightaway. In time, because he is not loving, or affectionate, and instead is disrespectful to me....I either have to suppress my natural self of being physically loving ( i used to hug him almost everyday and shower him with pecks all over his face), liking to french kiss, like to cuddle, and I realised I'm becoming more and more like him which I hate...so yeah i'm equally, if not more disrespectful towards him these days.

Honestly, I rather be alone than to be stuck in this unhappiness. Before MCO, I realised that I actually have more fun with my friends and I was spending more time with them too. There were times i was so frustrated over the inability to reach thru him that I cry at night, next to this cold man...who knows i'm weeping but doesn't really care. There are times I wished that he would be the one who found someone else and ask for a divorce. IN case u guys think he has someone outside, i seriously doubt it due to his square personality plus he's mostly home. Sigh , I'm not saying he is all bad, as he is somewhat generous with his money (this one he doesn't count so much luckily), sometimes he'd buy my fav food, and overall he is a decent person who wouldn't break the law ... even something small like parking illegally. Sometimes he'll improve in certain matters but then it never lasts long. If I'm gonna stay in this rship, it'll be like I'm just settling. Being with someone good/decent doesn't necessarily equate to being with someone you truly love. I did love him, but because he refused to acknowledge my hurt and pain most of the time...i think my heart has hardened and i killed my love for him.

I can't help but think I'm getting the short end of the stick, I take care of myself, and he doesn't. So how come I"m the one who gets rejected? Why am I feeling unwanted for the longest time? Honestly,do u know how hard it is to stay faithful to this fella when there have been guys asking me out regularly? I don't fool ard because i would hate myself for being unfaithful. Ethically, i don't believe in it...but i don't know for how long more I am able to have this self control. I'm afraid if we cont down this rd, he and I will do something unforgivable like that to one another. If he can't appreciate me, and if others can...why must I stick to this person who doesn't appreciate me?

Yup, u are right to assume i am non-muslim. Thanks for sharing
Luckily i don't need alimony but i do want my money back from whatever I've put into the house

I tag this one because the other one too long (I read all of it).

Sounds like your guy is typical /k selfish ignorant weeb to be honest. Lazy, disrespectful, put no effort in relationships but have the rigid self-righteousness (not breaking any law) and calculative af for a man.

In short, he took you for granted.

You also seem to take care of yourself by staying fit and I think you put effort in looking good as well since you are a people-person.

In chinese they say “don’t encourage people to break up” and “bed arguments settle on bed”, but I feel you really deserve better. Not sure why he’s not interested in getting it on with you either (maybe porn addiction or hardcore gamer?) but that’s seriously f**ked up to ignore partner like that, while disrespecting partner in front if others, that’s a big no-no. Even with someone who’s not a partner, that’s not a decent behavior to begin with. No class at all.

Sorry if I offended you by talking him down like that but I have a feeling that he’s kinda hopeless and doesn’t recognize what he has until he lost it. Some people are like that.

Personally I’m in your shoes on the coitus thing because I have higher libido than my wife, while she’s the passive one, though when she’s in the mood she will cooperate and not just play dead fish. I will never find her unattractive, even when she’s angry lol, probably because I always like to look at her. And then she’s the one who doesn’t like me to hug too much and claim that it’s too warm for her lol.

I guess it’s hard to find a perfect match

From the sound of it, you probably should move forward without him and live a happier life. At least you can try to find someone who appreciates you and matches you in appetite for action.

But still, you have to go through the hassle of “adulting” all the necessary stuffs like divorce, mortgage settlement, family “PR”, etc. Time to make use of your people skill and stay on high EQ to sort it out. Wish you all the best.

I made an error here... and i can't edit my post since i'm under "probation" ... I exercise 3-4 times a week, not a month.

TS, I'd suggest you to move out and separate from him first. See what his reaction is.

There are 2 possible reactions/scenarios:

1) If he is angry/upset/sad (means he still cares), you can work on issues together when both have cooled down.

You need to know this is his first time being married. Being a quiet guy with low EQ and an inexperienced husband, he needs to learn how to love his wife and work out marital problems rationally. You, as the wife, need to communicate in a way that his male brain can process and respond to. Men don't like being bossed around with nagging and complaining, because that's what their mothers always do. You can read books about how to communicate with men.

Men are more visual and analytical. They are not as auditory and emotional as women are. They are direct, rational and logical. So, listing what you are unhappy about and listing what you want him to do (in bullet point/steps) is a good way to solve problems with your husband. Let him fix the issues he created. Men are natural fixers. If he feels what you are unhappy about is unjustified, he will need to clarify and explain to you, calmly, in writing.

If he agrees to work on the issues, then give him a second chance. Put him under probation during the separation. When you are away from him, be a happy, confident and attractive woman again. Make your husband pursue you again and want you back home. Absence often makes the heart grow fonder.




2) However, if he is indifferent (means he doesn't care anymore) about the separation, you can take it as a sign that it is safe and justified to divorce.

The opposite of love is not hatred or anger, but indifference — lack of interest, concern, or sympathy towards your relationship/partner.

You are still upset with your husband = you still have feelings for him. So, do what is best to salvage your marriage first, and if it's truly irreconcilable, only then you file for a divorce (joint petition).

FYI, under the Malaysia Law Reform (Marriage and Divorce) Act 1976 (‘the Divorce law’), if one spouse want to file for single petition divorce, both parties must go through marriage counselling first (6 months/3 sessions). Such requirement is not necessary for a joint petition divorce where both parties agree to divorce and all its divorce terms.

This post has been edited by Ralna: May 29 2020, 11:20 PM

After reading your post I could deduce that both of you have outgrown each other and there is only a single solution for you. I have recently decided to take the steps to go separate ways with my wife who I cannot remember when was the last time I spent 2 hours in the same room and she did not attack me with her forked tongue.

I suggest you sort out the legal aspects of your relationship by consulting with a lawyer who specialises in the area of family law.

Many thanks for your insight and well wishes (and taking time to read my lengthy post). No offense taken! Don't worry. Yes, indeed, it's hard to find a perfect match



Yes i agree. I thought of just moving out and getting some peace of mind. See how's my life without him... i may love it too much tho.



Actually i tried this too. I whatsapped points of my frustration to him (few times in the past 3 years), but usually he'll just ignore and not reply but even if he replied, it usually is along the lines of , " LOL why you always unhappy?" which shows that he doesn't take my concerns seriously. OR after few hours or a day, he'll just talk/text me like I didn't say anything at all. He strikes me as the kinda person who likes to sweep things under the rug rather than to face them.



Indeed, i first heard of this when watching Desperate Housewives LOL. Thanks for the non-judgemental advice ... u sound very experienced , macam marriage counselor.



I don't think I outgrew him... but maybe he outgrew me , in the first few years of our rship and he just didn't realise it? Not sure why but he refuses to divorce. I must have tried to talk to him almost 10 times over the years about divorcing but he'll either ignore me or tell me: NO!! I asked him why before; was it the stigma? Was he afraid of what our family may say? WAs it money? etc... then i kena ignored again.

why is he not interested in sex? guys wont turn down a girl unless....

sorry if im being point blunt, is there weight issue here?

she watch what she eats and she workout 3-4 times a week.

unless what she watch is wrong or the workout is wrong, i dont think there is weight issue.

i read that part, that's why it even urged me more to ask that question. Bcos I have heard the same response from some female friends who said the same thing above but who are on the heavy side.

if that's the issue, then that's the bottom line why he wasn't interested.

well just curious to know the reply from TS.

if that's not the issue, then probably a simple reason that the guy has just simply lost his interest on TS for some other reasons.

bookmarked. im somewhat a male version of TS

Yea, I think if TS give us BMI index it's a better gauge.

Also, TS hygiene ok? Any body odour or too strong smell? No offense, just probing questions.

ok make sense.

let wait for TS reply.

It is divorce threads like this that makes me ask 'What happened to the sparks during dating?' Aren't they supposed to last forever?

Hearing from your story I feel sorry about your relationship. However, listen 1 side from you make me feel biased towards you and I think your husband should come out here to post his story in this forum. He is an IT/Tech guy for sure Lowyat forum is a frequent place for him to visit.

From my opinion, there are communication breakdown in between both of you. I believe your husband his hiding his some unsatisfied things that you have done previously which he might voice out but you have ignored him.
For example, maybe he found out you are flirting some one outside or someone is trying to flirt or have intention to win your heart yet you denied it and said it is just friend. Many girl like to use this kind of excuse especially those people doing marketing or business dealing with people or socialist people. I do not said you do this but is just as an example.

If your husband pushing you away on bed, there is something might make him turn off towards you or he changed his taste into men but I think impossible because gay usually love to do house chores and you said he don't like to help you doing house chores or work. Other reason might be having affair with other women outside but I don't think so because reality this kind of people can eat both until the spouse catch it.

I can say 60% people divorce due to the unfaithful spouse, 20% Financial problem, 20% domestic violent and 10% other reasons. For your case, i feel it fall under 60% category either you or him only.

Last question, your second house purchase, do you include husband name as ownership of the house? If yes, he is really a CB husband and if no, you are CB wife because asking husband to help finance but he have no ownership to the house. Anyway I feel many hidden story is not told here but only things that you dissatisfy to your husband. Usually when the wife have make this decision, I think there is no turning back to change her mind. So, I wish you all the best with your new life.

Let him do the chase.

When a woman loves a man more than he loves her, when she shows more care than he does, he will take her for granted.

It is a woman's nature to nurture her man, but it is also a man's nature to pursue his woman. If you are always too available and too desperate for his love and companionship, you are already on the losing end.

WhatsApp is not a formal method of communication. Send to his e-mail. Then just keep quiet and do your own things. If he doesn't respond to you the way you want (i.e. address the issues), you should just ignore him so that he knows you mean serious business. Silence speaks louder volume than nags and complaints.

In other words, don't be desperate. Stay cool. Be more resolute and stand by your principles. Loving a man doesn't mean throwing away your own principles and letting him cross your boundaries over and over again. Make a firm stand. Show your seriousness using silence and formal communication.

After you move out, don't be so soft-hearted and forgive him immediately. Have your own good time during the separation phase. Spend more time with your girl friends, pamper yourself and get a new look. He should be the one feeling miserable, not you.

FYI, it usually takes about 8 weeks of zero contact ("No Contact Rule"), for a man to realise how much he misses his woman. Let him feel the pain and the loss. The more he feels it, the deeper his feelings are for you.

I hope your husband will pursue you again and have a change of heart after this. If he doesn't do anything before the 8 weeks is up, feel free to dump him. You deserve a better man.

This post has been edited by Ralna: May 30 2020, 07:28 PM

My BMI is about 21-22, see pic for gauge. And my face isn't that hard to look at either, in case it may be lingering on u guys punya mind but u felt it was too blunt to ask @blofeld ... BO, well, occasionally just before my period but i handle it:thumbs: . Btw, since u brought this up, my husband is kinda OCD. Not towards BO but towards his own mouth breath. One of the reasons he gave me about not wanting to kiss frequently is because he needs to ensure its cleanliness = brush teeth. So he said he needs to prepare before kissing. He used to brush his teeth about 5 times a day until the dentist said it wasn't good for his enamel. Sigh i've not experienced this with anyone else. But then how come first year, he wasn't like that? And sometimes even after brushing teeth, he still doesn't really take the initiative to french. Sad, coz i love it...as a bonding ritual and moreeee gaahhh i feel so deprived.


[email=ungka]ungka[/email]
Do share!



I'm not skinny, but i'm not round either hahaha... Why be fat when one can be fit/slim?? Food is great, I'll admit...but I believe in self control and self discipline. For me, exercise has been ingrained into my life since i was a child and i naturally am competitive and enjoy sports, so... ^^
I'm more toned than my husband. And I can definitely do more abs and leg exercises than my husband huhu i joined Viper and Spartan Race (tho i didn't complete all the challenges)


I hear ya. Honestly, I always wanted to be the ideal woman for my man. Luckily most of the things come naturally to me; eg i used to imagine that at 60-70 years old, when both of us have grey hair, that i'll still be my playful silly self, jumping on his back and so forth (u get the picture). I always thought that i'd keep the passion, love and chemistry alive by language love touches that only a couple would know, still doing on/off romantic or thoughtful actions to let my partner know I still care for them deeply, sexual intimacy 3 times a week on average (yes yes until i'm 80 if possible lol), be respectful to one another etc but seriously, difficult to clap when only 1 party is working at it. I've had 2 rships where my exes and I had an excellent bond and an excellent chemistry. With one of them, even when we were with other ppl, we were often lost in our own world talking. I think sometimes, it is just chemistry between 2 ppl and it is unexplainable as to why; because it's likely to be made up of many many small things (recipes).


No leh, I asked him before.. he said he only reads the forum when he needs info but no account. But yeah lor.. no choice, u only can hear my side.



Communication breakdown, most definitely. Coz i like to communicate and talk, then he keeps on blocking me by ignoring me. Seriously, most of the time when I try to talk about our issues, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. #frusSial Regarding him being unsatisfied, no leh...coz he still treats me like normal, talk to me like normal (not like merajuk-ing over something) and sometimes when he is out, he'll buy me my fav food. And actually my husband is not the kecil hati type of guy, and he is totally cool with me having guy friends coz most of my friends are guys. Even when i wanna meetup with my exes who are still my friends, to him no big deal at all. His motto is: If ppl wanna cheat, they can find all sorts of way to cheat. So don't need to waste time being angry and try to control your partner. This one i totally agree with him.


Actually, this gay thing has crossed my mind in the first few years of us dating. Coz he has close friends who are gay. Butttt the gays i know, all of them jaga badan, damn stylish etc this is totally not my husband. Sometimes he looks homeless! I didn't know that gays like doing household chores tho LOL Btw, a few months ago i asked him to rate his libido and to rate mine, 10 being the highest. He said he is 5/10 and I'm 9/10. I dunno lah...but guys i've been with (can count with 10 fingers), they've never been as unhamsap as my husband


Huh?? Why do u think i asked him to help finance the house???
It's only in my name & i'm the only one paying for it yah



Actually i am not so sure whether it's me who loves him more. I think it's more of the fact that it is my first relationship where I tried so hard to be patient and worked on it (almost all my exes i dumped once there were any signs of trouble) and I just didn't want my effort and my prime years to go wasted. In fact, before I made this decision to leave him, i thought of waiting it out....to my 40s or 50s etc but at some point, i think it is best to know when to cut one's losses, before one loses even more.


I'm not desperate...but I m the kinda person who finds it a bit difficult to stay cool coz I've got a temper. If I'm in rage, definitely the volcano will letup. Sometimes my husband really says some hurtful and cutting stuff when I'm trying to talk-out our issues. So hard to be silent >_< I jus tahan this long because i thought marriage was supposed to be hard work and i can't throw in the towel at the slightest of things. But the negative list just keeps growing whereas the positive list is getting shorter.


Thanks, this means a lot!

-------------

Sorry for the late replies. Coz probationary acc can only post 3 times in a 12 hr window zzzz They shld have made it 5 posts man. Can't even edit my original posts! Then waste another post, Gah!

This post has been edited by Sensualpassion: Apr 4 2022, 04:16 PM

Eh, not really leh. Not all gays are created equal. I personally know gays who don’t jaga badan and are not stylish/have a weird style.

There’s a way to test this. You need to bring a gay who is good in “sniffing” out another gay. Someone your husband doesn’t know and is not expecting. Also you need to create opportunities for them to be alone without you so your gay friend can “do his job” and your husband not at guard when you’re not around

The first thing that crosses my mind when I see your pic...



Also



This post has been edited by J1g54w: May 31 2020, 07:27 AM

Sound like his problem is his squareness
He got Asperger ?
He seem quite stubborn and inability to communicate language of love
About lovemaking to make babies once a month is possible just check your ovulation timing with an ovulation kit
I am surprise ts didn’t see this coming during your 4 year rship
Suggest ts threaten divorce and see his reaction about how serious he is willing to change

Your husband is IT guy izit..it guys are mostly lazy or couch fella.they dont care about the world around them.
They have simple let it be attitude .

When he doing something..dont disturb him..he will answer u frustratedly.

Threaten him a divorce..he will repent, and months later go back to his normal attitude.

With your body,I dont c which guy dont wanna sleep with u.

Go c his bebird..maybe got problem ,he dunno how to tell u.

what's the fight about when you guys travel ? husband only want to zzz and wife wants to see/buy/eat everything ?

instead of marriage counseling, maybe spend a few days to read up about depression/burn-out especially for your husband. not to take his side, but NOT being engaged with you and "escaping" into his own world may be signs of this.

btw, if household chores are an issue ... just get a maid. try solving each problem as they come instead of taking the "nuclear" option of divorce.

I like how you say coitus. I find it hot really.

Pm me ( I can initiate but let's see if you are keen).

yeah IT guy...and what u said, macam u know my husband. 100% accurate.



Uh...thanks but I'm not looking other guys atm. Better solve my issues first.



OMG!!! I also thought of this and told him before that i think he is on the autism spectrum. First, the way he talks to me (like super low EQ) sometimes and also to other ppl (if ppl say/ask him something he finds stupid, he will just give them cock stare and not reply) ! I just thought in the early days that he was just very very introverted n tongue-tied. Btw, spkg of language of love, have you guys heard of this? https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
We both did the test (unfortunately we didn't do it in the early stages of our rship)... I scored 11 on Physical Touch and he scored 4
Yup, i understand why u are surprised....I can say 1st year, i saw very little signs of our incompatibility (maybe he tried very hard to match me, or maybe it was just honeymoon period), after that, more and more of his true personality came out....but I still can see more good than bad in him. For example, he is pretty smart and very sensible (logical thinking kinda person, hence i think why EQ is low) so whenever i faced work issues n other matters etc, I find his advice quite helpful. Also our intimate life back then was not too bad, on avg 1-2 times a week and he was much more affectionate than now. I also felt I needed someone serious/stable like him to ground me down or else i will fly away and get out of control. 4th year, I stopped being an employee and became self-employed, therefore..all my focus went into my business. I told myself I can't have too many changes in other parts of my life, therefore I tolerated him a lot in the 4th year. The first time he proposed, i actually rejected. Then the 2nd time, i accepted. I guess in a way, i did half-settle because I thought that i already spent 4 years with this dude...I shouldn't let it go to waste. Once married, then went downhill lah, where the quarrels and fights became more than the "peaceful" moments. Wedding dinner that time also we fought and talked more to guests than to one another. I shld have known rite? #hindsight


Oh yeah hor, if u didn't point it out, i wouldn't have noticed. I was extremely late for this event, that's prolly why!


THanks for your kind words, sir! Don need to pity me, tho, how my husband has treated me over these few years didn't really dampen my confidence in that sector. kekeke I don't think i'm cream of the crop...but someone once told me something along the lines of, "give a guy Megan Fox also after a while he will be sien of her lah" which i think is very true and it's in our nature as humans (safe for a few special ones), to tire of somethin old, no matter how great that "item" was/is. Just like w children and toys. Btw, i found it sweet in your earlier comment where u said u never get tired looking at yr wife. How long have u guys been together? Reminds me of my ex where we were almost 2 years together but still he would stare at me every other day like he was seeing me for the first time


IMO, it boils down to our very very different attitude. I dislike it when my SO snaps at me rudely over every small thing n talk to me like i'm dam idiotic (i m not, ok ).Furthermore, when we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves on a holiday. No, he doesn't wanna zzz and it is not like i wanna buy/see everything. I like leisure holidays, not the kinda person who squeezes everything into a time tight itinerary. So yeah, one of our hols we were in a shopping mall and we were supposed to head to another place but we both had diff thoughts about which way we should go.
Me: isn't it here?
Him: *Irritation mode aka black face came out* NO! It's that way ok? *calls me some name i forgot wat...along the lines of stupid/bodoh/dumbo*
Me: ehh.. but I"m pretty sure it's there (said in a calm, non-confrontational manner)
Him: *rolls eyes , giving some why-da-fark-u-so-dumb narrowing eyes look at me* I said it is over here means it is over here OK???!! Can u stop wasting time??? U damn stupid wei.
Then a few more of similar lines...and i will be triggered. Some holidays, i will give silent treatment and walk off by myself. But when my beast mode comes on...well...even he will be afraid, so i dunno why he can't simply talk nicely to his so-called SO when we are on holiday.

The above is considered mini argument nia. Big scale one in front of trip w friends also got. I won't go into too much details... Summary is; he was helping his friend buy something from a popular store. I was waiting for them somewhere nearby when i went to check on the status (because many customers were at this store), so I went to him and it was almost his turn but said friend went MIA. He told me to find said friend because friend didn't specify his order. That friend also didn't check his hp for messages. Sooooo i ran around looking for that friend, found him and got his order (he was buying something else). I ran back to my SO and i saw that it was his turn ...so i gancheong and as i was running back to him (say about 5 feet away), i shouted friend's order to him (friend was running up several feet behind me too). Guess what? SO didn't appreciate my help at all. IN FACT, return of the BLack face on another level, because he said he couldn't hear me since it was noisy...then he proceeded to scold 9 me, "U damn 7 stupid wei! Use your brains lah?! Sor hai to the max...u shout from there then u expect me to be able to hear??!!!" yada yada yada blablabla scold scold scold . Btw, lots of strangers were around us n his friend had also arrived (we were in a foreign country, i hope they didn't understand him but i think his black face was a dead giveaway) . Anyway I was trying to defend myself by saying it was his turn so i was trying to tell him the order ASAP. But he would hardly let me get a word in. So in the end i also bangang rite... so i told him to "STFU" full version! I mean, cmon...i was only trying to help. I don't think it's fair at all that i kena that. It's clear to see who he was angry with, but i was the easiest target for him to let it out on. Upto this day, i don't think i've gotten an apology for that behaviour. He still insists i was a "sor hai" who was in the wrong.
He's a killjoy .... when a situation is supposed to be fun/relaxing, he just sucks the joy outta it.

BTw SO = significant other

Its good to hear that you remain attracted to him and are trying your part to work things out with him but I get the impression you are already 90% decided to move on. 5 love languages is a good indicator to help know the other person better but its not definitive. It can help couples to understand each others preference and why the other partner does not express their love language in that way. A good couple will try to understand what the other person's key languages are and try to make an effort to display affection in that partner's language. I've noticed you have mentioned your love language being physical touch and his being on the low side. If I might ask what is his top 2 love languages then? It sounds like he is a words of affirmation or acts of service person since that is how he likes to retaliate in such a way. What do you think would make him happy? e.g. going to the movies, playing games (since you mentioned he is a gamer), a particular sport, drawing/painting etc.

Another thing to note is if things were already shaky at the 4 year mark why did he choose to propose to you? Did he also "settle" or was there something positive that he saw in you which pushed him to make the move or did he come across of being too afraid to lose you. If you are both always arguing on a holiday when this is suppose to the most fun/relaxing time that is a warning sign and could mean significant incompatbility issues. There is also a possibility your partner prefers a different type of holiday and is trying to accomodate you and the family.

The key is not about being Megan Fox, but knowing how to 'kite'.

My relationship is more than 10 years already. When I look at her I don't just admire her physical, but what she had done for me, and how I want her to be loved. I like to imagine if I'm in her shoes, how will she feel at what I'm doing to her. I smile even as I'm typing this.

I think you can find a better man la. You can give him a chance to change if you really love him, but I have a feeling that the timing is over already and your flame for him's probably long dissipated.

I don't really have friends so I can't recommend a good man to you, I would if I could.

In any case, I always encourage people to go to classes like foreign language, wine-tasting, cooking, dancing and probably specialized workouts. There's a lot of opportunities to meet new and interesting people who also like to add positivity into their lives with similar activities. These activities are also related to finer things in life so the people are kinda 'sexy'. Don't get me started on women who can dance!

That's nice, sounds like u know how to treat yr woman

Yes, luckily i'm pretty active and i do have a large wide network due to my job and also other sporting activites....too bad MCO has dampened many activities though!



Acts of service is actually # 2 highest for both of us. His #1 is Time. He likes to game, and watch Netflix/dramas, and oh, he likes alcohol. I hardly drink.

Not sure why he chose to propose. I asked him before and he said "Commitment lah".

For the holiday one, actually the 2 scenarios which i mentioned in my last post... it's more of him who initiated and planned the holiday (usually due to his friends). Like the one we argued in front of friends, that one was because our friends and him wanted to go. Yup i totally agree with u on the incompatibility issues... it is glaringly obvious as time passes by Like cat and dog


--------------

Thanks for the support here and those who PM-ed me, guys. I will most likely go with Ralna's suggestion since it seems to go with my original plan of moving out. Also thanks for yr time to read and reply my rants haha

damm chatty this girl...

Read also read until bolat. I have this bad habit of zoning people out if I waited too long for a point. And probably dozed off if i'm laying on my back. (*you sure that wasn't the case? =D)

Anyway, go with Ralna's suggestion. Separation will be beneficial. If u wanna re-engage the relationship in future; engage it with different energy. This one is abit too toxic. Every step forward, the toxic energy pulls 2 steps back.

wah its now 2024.... any updates? I'm a guy and i think im going thru similar situation like u now..... married for 3.5 yrs alredi....

from your other thread, I dont think you need to quit your marriage unless there are physical harm or very toxic relationship which is beyond repair

Its easier said than done.... multiple times she wanted me to change n to listen.... but i think i've tried my best alredi to listen.... but women like to accumulate the stuff we men do wrongs and she keep saying 4 yrs alredi i do not need to explain to u again and again why u need to listen.... theres alot of communication breakdown.... when i try to explain to her the reason she will take it as it is her fault.....n im being defensive..... its no way to communicate like that.....until a point i just keep quiet n say ok u win! u r right..... tooo lazy to continue.... almost 98% of the time is me apologizing.... n the more i think about it.... the more WTF i felt.....its getting ridiculous.... esp about the chinese race thingi in my other post.

She also assume we r in the marriage as i need a maid to cook ....WTF?! 80% of the housework is done my me....from laundry to vacuum n mop of floors.....wash toilets.... etc.... i tot if im doing all the house chores she just cover the cooking part is not too much to ask for.... but it also an issue for her..... btw, she is a full time house wives.... not working.....and im working full time....

Oh well........ my life now.... first time going thru such rocky marriage as well......

Do you laundry vacuum mop clean toilet everyday? Cooking is daily work, 2 to 3 times a day, and it takes hours to prepare a proper meal for 2 person. Somemore cooking is hot and you cannot switch on the fan when the hood is running.

Perhaps you can try switching you household chores with your wife, and cooking daily instead, to see which one is more tough/tiring to do

TS probably divorced by now.

Her complaints sounds like the same things I used to get from my ex-wife.

But hopefully TS is fairing better than my ex wife.

Life as a divorced single woman in her 40s can be tough.

Also people dont appreciate the things they have until the lose it.

1. Base on what you write "guys asking me out regularly"! Girl, you are emotional infidelity! Serious, I dont agree any emotional or sexual infidelity in a relationship. If you accept emotional infidelity, may I know can you accept your partner imaging you are another girl when both of you having sex please!?

2. Serious, no one is same. Relationship is about both party willing to work together. Now, you want to go please go now as no kid.

3. No winner in any divorce. On other hand, both of you are loser.

To guy,

If your partner want to left most probably you are poor and she has better choice! Serious, please let her go instantly. Never think twice. No look back. When girl are near 30 is almost expired.....sagging....pigmentation..... Spend more time for money. Money = Freedom. If you have money, you can get any age, color, shape, size........

To girl,

If you think you have better choice, just go ahead as you are soon to be expired. As after 30, your body condition is going down all the way. Love is not about dream, flower, happy, romantic, story, surprise.....The most important is you can get someone willing to give you thing are solid. Not about rent a castle, let you have a car to drive, nice fnb n hotel when meet up.......Solid = Safety Net.

In this world, I only respect one big time playboy “Joseph Lau Luen-hung”. What I know he pay HKD 10 million for slot a ping pong ball into virginal!

For slut, "Rosamund Kwan Chi Lam" she is No 1 "Gold Digger"!



This post has been edited by w19: May 9 2024, 01:03 AM

DELETE

This post has been edited by BladeRider88: May 9 2024, 11:07 AM

After reading her essays, I knew I made the right decision when I chose to stay single coz I strongly believe that ppl tend to change in any rships...it could be me or it could be him. Definitely don't wanna deal with all these unnecessary dramas. I'm happy as I am.

Everyone changes, and I can only hope it's for the better... Being in a relationship includes dealing with that change, and heck, it's not just romantic relationships, even your family and friends change, and sometimes it gets to a point where you decide to walk away.

I think it's nice to have someone you can trust and rely on as a life partner, that you know no matter what happens out there, you'll be able to return to "home". Yet at the same time, it's impossible to expect every single aspect of your life will be fulfilled by one single human (your life partner), so it's important to understand what you need from this person and what you can find elsewhere without hurting anyone.

life is a constant change, embrace it or you will suffer. the world is evolving everyday, you aged everyday, compare yourself 10 years ago and now

being in a relationship takes a lot of maintenance and alignment of expectations however nobody teach us or guide us but tons of material is online (blog/Youtube, etc)

what I learn lately is -> "You and your partner will grow and change in unexpected ways—embrace it", details here: https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice

you can be happy be it single or in a relationship, it's your choice

Yes, I know that my family n my frens can change. And that is why I don't wanna add more dramas on my plate by being in a rship.Plus I'm fiercely independent. I'm happier being single.

Its unlikely for your happiness to stay with you long term if you always avoid suffering. Eventually it catches up to you, and you won't be equipped to deal with it.

Please.. U have no idea how much suffering I'm dealing with at my current workplace. Don't need more suffering to make my life worse. Dealing with each prob at a time right now so don't act like u know how I'm dealing with suffering in my life.

I think you don't even realise you just proved my point

Thanks for making more assumptions about me & my life. Keep 'em coming!

You are assuming I'm making assumptions of your life. I'm not, I can just clearly see you cannot handle suffering.

And I'm not gonna continue wasting my energy arguing with a person who's still denying that he/she is making assumptions abt me. Pls stick yr nose into other ppl's pie instead. Bye!

All I did was share some wisdom to someone who's obviously struggling.

Whatever I said obviously triggered you, and you turned it into an argument as a defense mechanism. That reflex you had, is one of the main causes of your suffering.

I obviously joined this thread a few years late, but in retrospect, I gotta wonder whether we’ve all been strung along for a bit of a phantasmagorical ride by TS’ original treatise that bordered on a novella by the best of them out there….

Anyway, it did make for an entertaining read for what had been an otherwise boring holiday for me…

If I’m judging somewhat inaccurately and I’m off the mark, TS has my unreserved apologies. Otherwise, thanks for the entertainment.

Err....how the heck u fell in love with this guy and marry him?

If he is a square guy before marriage, he will and be a square guy after marriage.

Reminds me of one square guy everybody hated in my ex office.

Last active 2022…. TS long gone by now

oh
came back as parisiansky?

I don’t even know who that is… many dupes.

but as u said, this makes it an interesting read.

Yeah, probably around the standard that Danielle Steels churns out her trash.

Its been a long time.

Haven't seen a worthwhile Danielle type story here for awhile

Mods flushed a lot of them out ...

many dun dare to post their story here.

afterward kena doxx

You also said so yourself that this is a dupe account ...

what make u think TS story is novella?

Reads like one… but like I said, apologies if it isn’t

ohhh ok. i dont read novel. Just curious.

To me everything she said feels so real. A lot of stuff is shockingly relatable.

Oh, there were a few interesting chaps on /k back in the day ... the mods sniffed them out one by one and handed them the red card (where as one kantoi'ed herself and has been in hiding since then). They wrote like her, vivid overload of details, overexposure of personal minutiae and drawing everyone in to massage their narcissistic egos.... mainly harmless fellas, and really worth a good read, but only to be taken at an arm's length and definitely no deeper than face value.