Anybody left their spouse who refused to divorce?
What should I expect? Esp emotionally. I'm in my mid-30s and I'm planning to move out of my marital home into my family's house, targeting some time this year.

I'm quite worried about these matters tho:
1. Financially. He doesn't exactly support me 100% financially. I do work, but you can say he's like a safety net. Some of my money is tied up in our marital house and I have another property due for completion next year. More commitments MCO doesn't make it any better for my line of work. I am self employed.
2. I feel guilty towards my in laws
3. Moving all of my things from my marital house *headache thinking about the mess and packing* AND also, I probably have to sneakily move out when he's away. I really don't wanna do it when he's home n have all that drama to deal with.
4. Our marital home, which has both our names. It's such a bad time to sell uuurrghhhh. We bought our house 5 years ago when prices were kinda at its peak.

It's going to be a big change, I expect and I already expect that I may fall into depression for quite some time after that. If only he also wanted a divorce then we could have joint petition, 3 years ago. No cheating or spouse abuse reasons fyi. I've been unhappy for a long time and tahan all i can tahan in this marriage. We have no kids... so i've been asking myself, "Who am i living for???" Why stay in a marriage where I'm so unhappy that i silently cry at night in bed, next to my "bedmate"?? Because of the stigma of divorce? Bah!

But it is tough taking that first step to leave a situation that i'm getting more used to as time passes by (but not any happier with). I'm mustering my courage. Would be helpful if other ppl who have had to walk this path share their wisdom. Thanks in advance.

i looked for reasons of leaving in your post but cant find any, curious why? is it simply the spark fizzled out?
i didnt see any physical or mental abuse from his end

Sorry to hear your situation.

Assume you are a non Muslim.

You can divorce either by :-
Mutual consent
Prove physical and mental abuse
Stay apart from each other for 2 years ( must be proven that you two are not functioning as a family unit ). Once proven, the marriage is null. This process still must go through lawyer and such.

Alimony and such, all I can say is good luck trying to get that from him.

As for the house, Both of you have to agree to sell, then can sell anytime. If one party resist, then need to divorce then get lawyer to split the house. This also can get into issues in terms of value and such. Example, if he is paying all the while its unfair if you ask half the value. Again, its all a matter of tolerance and acceptance.

Sorry, but what made you both get married, and what changed?

We got married because we had been dating a while (4 years). Yes i admit that I submitted to society's pressures of getting married at a certain age. But back then, i thought, never try, never know and I didn't wanna waste the 4 years I spent with this guy.
What changed was majority him. Of course you can't hear his POV in this case...but i do think i have the ability to be fair and whereas I am still pretty much the same passionate, affectionate, loving partner.... over the years, he became almost the opposite.




Actually, in my first draft (i wrote 3 drafts, it wasn't easy exposing my feelings like that).. I did write about why but then it was so long and i didn't think anyone would wanna read such a longass post
Maybe the spark fizzled out on his end which in turn, influenced me and also changed me into a person like him. No physical abuse, but perhaps mental abuse got. Depends on one's definition.



Anyway since u guys asked.... grandmother story up ahead; my husband and I are very very different ppl. To give u a slight idea abt him,think IT guy who doesn't need to talk to humans if he can help it + gamer + amine + manga + slow pace... that kinda guy. Me = a job where I have to engage with humans all the time + love to talk/communicate + sporty + like to try new things + fast pace. Bottom line is, in the beginning as usual, things were great...that lasted approx 6-8 months before there were slight changes from him. I'm experienced and realistic enough to NOT expect that honeymoon phase will last forever. So i closed one eye and tried to give and take. For example, from him actually telling me he can't stop kissing me....to him pulling away one time when I tried to kiss him when he got back from work. Thereafter, the french kissing mostly happened before/during coitus time. Also his impatience over small things started showing. Showing unhappy face for errands such as helping me buy some tools from a store near his hse for example. So in the beginning it was just little things like that, and i still thought that we complemented each other bcoz we were lacking wat the other party had and he was also good/nice at times. Because I've never had a really really long rship b4(my longest prior to this was about 2 years), I thought that i had to try my hardest in this rship. Adulting lah , in other words.

So, as time progressed these few things happened:
-There was not much physical affection, even when i hugged him, often he wouldn't hug me back until i grumbled...yea he wld just stand there while i hugged him. In bed, forget about cuddling. His excuse is that he feels hot although the aircond is always on. This is v diff when in the first few years, he would at least hug me for 10 mins or so before setting me aside to sleep. We are seriously like bedmates... i used to wonder how can a man and woman sleep in the same bed and yet be worlds apart, and i've come to experienced that. No intimacy, no bonding, no nth!
-He would constantly snap/spk rudely to me over the smallest of things. He's very easily irritated. Have u seen those couples where one or both parties constantly roll their eyes and spk damn rudely to each other? like "hou fan kam yong"
-He has in 3-4 occasions, humiliated me in public by scolding (with vulgar words too) me in front of friends/strangers who happened to be around us. Also over the smallest of issues and pls don't think i started shouting or throwin my temper first, because i didn't. In one of those times, i was simply trying to be helpful when i kena fr him. But pls don't think I'm a mousy person who is too afraid to fight bac... I'm not. But I dislike airing my dirty laundry for the public to see like that. Oh and after the scolding incidents he will refuse to apologise or very very reluctantly apologise.
-In the first 4 years or so, coitus was about 2-3 times a week (first few months was practically daily). But in the last 3 years, it became around 1-2 times a mont, sometimes even 2 months without any. Unless we were trying for kids (which we did for about 1 year) and actually this having kids thingy is in the next point. Back to the coitus... can u imagine what I feel like as a woman , to be rejected by my own husband? Ppl always generalise how men are so hamsup and they need sex, but once when we were trying...i straddled him and he actually "TSK" me and gave me the face of annoyance (he was playing game on his hp). WTF. I was so pissed that i threw a fit. We have spoken about this, and he said he felt dirty/uncomfy/skin issues yada yada......many times he's given me similar excuses....and in one of my frus moments, I shouted at him, "how long more do u want me to wait for u to settle yr issues???!!!??!!! " I think other women will understand when i say that certain times of the month, when our hormones peak... we also have our own needs. Also, he's a dead fish in bed, selfish lover no doubt abt it. Now, I am a semi vainpot, so i do watch wat i eat and I do exercise 3-4 times a month ........ i can't say the same for him, he exercises 2 months one time. I can super relate
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/3755480/all
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/4782935/all
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/4960510

-Children issue. I'm more keen and he's not that keen, he refuses to get fertility tests done. He said let things go with the flow, if we are blssed w kids then so be it. FYI, i'm not like die die also need to have kids...but having coitus once or 2x a month...wat are my chances lah?? I can relate to this https://forum.lowyat.net/index.php?act=ST&f=23&t=4967886&st=
Whenever ppl asks about us having kids... i feel like screaming sometimes to them, how to have kids when we have sex once a month?!?!?!
-He's not pleasant to be with, especially on holidays. Some ppl have advised us to go on holiday and try for kids since usually holiday = less stressful. Buttttttt let me tell u, we get even more stressed up during hols because we fight on majority of our overseas trips. We have only not fought when family members were with us; i even invited my sibling to join along for our honeymoon because I was afraid we were gonna ruin it by fighting. Once, everyday of our 9 days trip except for the last day... we were mostly not on spkg terms. I was so angry that i even forgot i bought tickets to some tourist attraction centre.
-he's not a team player. For me, it's important that bf/gf or husband/wife work well together....but most of the time, he calculates a lot. EG why must he hang/wash the clothes when most of the clothes are mine? Stuff similar to this. I already try to do the harder housework to make it easier for him.


And many more... too much to write, because well, can't be a rship this long be summarised in these few points nia rite. I've come to a conclusion that we are just 2 super duper diff human beings. Opposites may complement each other but not total opposites with very little in common.
I tried to fix our problems in the beginning, I tried to talk and communicate w him, many times thru various methods like text or f2f. But his auto defense mode will be to totally ignore me, even when it is face to face...he'll just stare at his comp. I think he has a serious issue ( or maybe common amongst guys??) in expressing his feelings. I asked him to see a couples counselor but he refused rightaway. In time, because he is not loving, or affectionate, and instead is disrespectful to me....I either have to suppress my natural self of being physically loving ( i used to hug him almost everyday and shower him with pecks all over his face), liking to french kiss, like to cuddle, and I realised I'm becoming more and more like him which I hate...so yeah i'm equally, if not more disrespectful towards him these days.

Honestly, I rather be alone than to be stuck in this unhappiness. Before MCO, I realised that I actually have more fun with my friends and I was spending more time with them too. There were times i was so frustrated over the inability to reach thru him that I cry at night, next to this cold man...who knows i'm weeping but doesn't really care. There are times I wished that he would be the one who found someone else and ask for a divorce. IN case u guys think he has someone outside, i seriously doubt it due to his square personality plus he's mostly home. Sigh , I'm not saying he is all bad, as he is somewhat generous with his money (this one he doesn't count so much luckily), sometimes he'd buy my fav food, and overall he is a decent person who wouldn't break the law ... even something small like parking illegally. Sometimes he'll improve in certain matters but then it never lasts long. If I'm gonna stay in this rship, it'll be like I'm just settling. Being with someone good/decent doesn't necessarily equate to being with someone you truly love. I did love him, but because he refused to acknowledge my hurt and pain most of the time...i think my heart has hardened and i killed my love for him.

I can't help but think I'm getting the short end of the stick, I take care of myself, and he doesn't. So how come I"m the one who gets rejected? Why am I feeling unwanted for the longest time? Honestly,do u know how hard it is to stay faithful to this fella when there have been guys asking me out regularly? I don't fool ard because i would hate myself for being unfaithful. Ethically, i don't believe in it...but i don't know for how long more I am able to have this self control. I'm afraid if we cont down this rd, he and I will do something unforgivable like that to one another. If he can't appreciate me, and if others can...why must I stick to this person who doesn't appreciate me?

Yup, u are right to assume i am non-muslim. Thanks for sharing
Luckily i don't need alimony but i do want my money back from whatever I've put into the house

I tag this one because the other one too long (I read all of it).

Sounds like your guy is typical /k selfish ignorant weeb to be honest. Lazy, disrespectful, put no effort in relationships but have the rigid self-righteousness (not breaking any law) and calculative af for a man.

In short, he took you for granted.

You also seem to take care of yourself by staying fit and I think you put effort in looking good as well since you are a people-person.

In chinese they say “don’t encourage people to break up” and “bed arguments settle on bed”, but I feel you really deserve better. Not sure why he’s not interested in getting it on with you either (maybe porn addiction or hardcore gamer?) but that’s seriously f**ked up to ignore partner like that, while disrespecting partner in front if others, that’s a big no-no. Even with someone who’s not a partner, that’s not a decent behavior to begin with. No class at all.

Sorry if I offended you by talking him down like that but I have a feeling that he’s kinda hopeless and doesn’t recognize what he has until he lost it. Some people are like that.

Personally I’m in your shoes on the coitus thing because I have higher libido than my wife, while she’s the passive one, though when she’s in the mood she will cooperate and not just play dead fish. I will never find her unattractive, even when she’s angry lol, probably because I always like to look at her. And then she’s the one who doesn’t like me to hug too much and claim that it’s too warm for her lol.

I guess it’s hard to find a perfect match

From the sound of it, you probably should move forward without him and live a happier life. At least you can try to find someone who appreciates you and matches you in appetite for action.

But still, you have to go through the hassle of “adulting” all the necessary stuffs like divorce, mortgage settlement, family “PR”, etc. Time to make use of your people skill and stay on high EQ to sort it out. Wish you all the best.

I made an error here... and i can't edit my post since i'm under "probation" ... I exercise 3-4 times a week, not a month.

TS, I'd suggest you to move out and separate from him first. See what his reaction is.

There are 2 possible reactions/scenarios:

1) If he is angry/upset/sad (means he still cares), you can work on issues together when both have cooled down.

You need to know this is his first time being married. Being a quiet guy with low EQ and an inexperienced husband, he needs to learn how to love his wife and work out marital problems rationally. You, as the wife, need to communicate in a way that his male brain can process and respond to. Men don't like being bossed around with nagging and complaining, because that's what their mothers always do. You can read books about how to communicate with men.

Men are more visual and analytical. They are not as auditory and emotional as women are. They are direct, rational and logical. So, listing what you are unhappy about and listing what you want him to do (in bullet point/steps) is a good way to solve problems with your husband. Let him fix the issues he created. Men are natural fixers. If he feels what you are unhappy about is unjustified, he will need to clarify and explain to you, calmly, in writing.

If he agrees to work on the issues, then give him a second chance. Put him under probation during the separation. When you are away from him, be a happy, confident and attractive woman again. Make your husband pursue you again and want you back home. Absence often makes the heart grow fonder.




2) However, if he is indifferent (means he doesn't care anymore) about the separation, you can take it as a sign that it is safe and justified to divorce.

The opposite of love is not hatred or anger, but indifference — lack of interest, concern, or sympathy towards your relationship/partner.

You are still upset with your husband = you still have feelings for him. So, do what is best to salvage your marriage first, and if it's truly irreconcilable, only then you file for a divorce (joint petition).

FYI, under the Malaysia Law Reform (Marriage and Divorce) Act 1976 (‘the Divorce law’), if one spouse want to file for single petition divorce, both parties must go through marriage counselling first (6 months/3 sessions). Such requirement is not necessary for a joint petition divorce where both parties agree to divorce and all its divorce terms.

This post has been edited by Ralna: May 29 2020, 11:20 PM

After reading your post I could deduce that both of you have outgrown each other and there is only a single solution for you. I have recently decided to take the steps to go separate ways with my wife who I cannot remember when was the last time I spent 2 hours in the same room and she did not attack me with her forked tongue.

I suggest you sort out the legal aspects of your relationship by consulting with a lawyer who specialises in the area of family law.

Many thanks for your insight and well wishes (and taking time to read my lengthy post). No offense taken! Don't worry. Yes, indeed, it's hard to find a perfect match



Yes i agree. I thought of just moving out and getting some peace of mind. See how's my life without him... i may love it too much tho.



Actually i tried this too. I whatsapped points of my frustration to him (few times in the past 3 years), but usually he'll just ignore and not reply but even if he replied, it usually is along the lines of , " LOL why you always unhappy?" which shows that he doesn't take my concerns seriously. OR after few hours or a day, he'll just talk/text me like I didn't say anything at all. He strikes me as the kinda person who likes to sweep things under the rug rather than to face them.



Indeed, i first heard of this when watching Desperate Housewives LOL. Thanks for the non-judgemental advice ... u sound very experienced , macam marriage counselor.



I don't think I outgrew him... but maybe he outgrew me , in the first few years of our rship and he just didn't realise it? Not sure why but he refuses to divorce. I must have tried to talk to him almost 10 times over the years about divorcing but he'll either ignore me or tell me: NO!! I asked him why before; was it the stigma? Was he afraid of what our family may say? WAs it money? etc... then i kena ignored again.

why is he not interested in sex? guys wont turn down a girl unless....

sorry if im being point blunt, is there weight issue here?

she watch what she eats and she workout 3-4 times a week.

unless what she watch is wrong or the workout is wrong, i dont think there is weight issue.

i read that part, that's why it even urged me more to ask that question. Bcos I have heard the same response from some female friends who said the same thing above but who are on the heavy side.

if that's the issue, then that's the bottom line why he wasn't interested.

well just curious to know the reply from TS.

if that's not the issue, then probably a simple reason that the guy has just simply lost his interest on TS for some other reasons.

bookmarked. im somewhat a male version of TS

Yea, I think if TS give us BMI index it's a better gauge.

Also, TS hygiene ok? Any body odour or too strong smell? No offense, just probing questions.

ok make sense.

let wait for TS reply.

It is divorce threads like this that makes me ask 'What happened to the sparks during dating?' Aren't they supposed to last forever?

Hearing from your story I feel sorry about your relationship. However, listen 1 side from you make me feel biased towards you and I think your husband should come out here to post his story in this forum. He is an IT/Tech guy for sure Lowyat forum is a frequent place for him to visit.

From my opinion, there are communication breakdown in between both of you. I believe your husband his hiding his some unsatisfied things that you have done previously which he might voice out but you have ignored him.
For example, maybe he found out you are flirting some one outside or someone is trying to flirt or have intention to win your heart yet you denied it and said it is just friend. Many girl like to use this kind of excuse especially those people doing marketing or business dealing with people or socialist people. I do not said you do this but is just as an example.

If your husband pushing you away on bed, there is something might make him turn off towards you or he changed his taste into men but I think impossible because gay usually love to do house chores and you said he don't like to help you doing house chores or work. Other reason might be having affair with other women outside but I don't think so because reality this kind of people can eat both until the spouse catch it.

I can say 60% people divorce due to the unfaithful spouse, 20% Financial problem, 20% domestic violent and 10% other reasons. For your case, i feel it fall under 60% category either you or him only.

Last question, your second house purchase, do you include husband name as ownership of the house? If yes, he is really a CB husband and if no, you are CB wife because asking husband to help finance but he have no ownership to the house. Anyway I feel many hidden story is not told here but only things that you dissatisfy to your husband. Usually when the wife have make this decision, I think there is no turning back to change her mind. So, I wish you all the best with your new life.

Let him do the chase.

When a woman loves a man more than he loves her, when she shows more care than he does, he will take her for granted.

It is a woman's nature to nurture her man, but it is also a man's nature to pursue his woman. If you are always too available and too desperate for his love and companionship, you are already on the losing end.

WhatsApp is not a formal method of communication. Send to his e-mail. Then just keep quiet and do your own things. If he doesn't respond to you the way you want (i.e. address the issues), you should just ignore him so that he knows you mean serious business. Silence speaks louder volume than nags and complaints.

In other words, don't be desperate. Stay cool. Be more resolute and stand by your principles. Loving a man doesn't mean throwing away your own principles and letting him cross your boundaries over and over again. Make a firm stand. Show your seriousness using silence and formal communication.

After you move out, don't be so soft-hearted and forgive him immediately. Have your own good time during the separation phase. Spend more time with your girl friends, pamper yourself and get a new look. He should be the one feeling miserable, not you.

FYI, it usually takes about 8 weeks of zero contact ("No Contact Rule"), for a man to realise how much he misses his woman. Let him feel the pain and the loss. The more he feels it, the deeper his feelings are for you.

I hope your husband will pursue you again and have a change of heart after this. If he doesn't do anything before the 8 weeks is up, feel free to dump him. You deserve a better man.

This post has been edited by Ralna: May 30 2020, 07:28 PM