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Advice Wanted What should I do?, Dilemma

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kesvani
post May 28 2020, 10:13 PM

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QUOTE(Asquith @ May 28 2020, 10:11 PM)
You would never know until you have walked in my shoes for a mile. A nice attempt at white knighting to no one.
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Maybe but one think i can of only now. Lack of sex is what sex and intimacy that drove you to this.
Sensualpassion
post May 30 2020, 01:27 PM

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QUOTE(hellboy84 @ May 25 2020, 02:15 PM)
I am married for 10 years now. I have 3 kids with my wife, the youngest is 7 months old. Our relationship had always been hit and miss as we fought alot but I try to save it for the sake of my kids. 3 years ago my wife had a miscarriage and after that she was depressed and due to the depression, she became aggressive and our family was broken. My mom was staying with me and she left the house after problem with my wife. I tried to help her, talk to her and be supportive to her. She doesn't believe that she is depressed and didnt want to meet a psychiatrist. The only way i could help her is to overcome her sadness which is due to the miscarriage. She got pregnant again and we got a son 7 months ago.

We are not sexually active for almost 4 years now, yes we have sex but its like once every 3 months. Only time she was active is when she wanted to try for baby. Lately, I have lost interest with my wife. Even before the baby was born, she preferred to sleep in the guest room. She said its easier for her. After 17 months now, she is still in guest room and I am in our room. We dont have any intimacy for the last 17 months. I do love her because she is the mother of my child. And I am not going to divorce her for the sake of my kids. I dont want my kids to live without a father and a mother.

3 years ago, i befriended a lady who i know from work. She is from overseas and she came down for a short project. We became friends and we have been talking on social media once in a while. She is a divorcee with a kid. Lately i have been developing feelings for this friend. She have been very supportive and we have shared alot of our struggles and life events, both of us have confessed what we feel for each other. I have never been with any other girl other than my wife since i was married. Even this friend, we have never spent time together apart from at office when she was down.

I am not sure what I am doing is right or wrong. I feel like I am cheating my wife but at the same time, i feel like i need some happiness too. What should i do?
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This is my 2 cents:
1. Solve your problem with your wife/family before entertaining any other romance. Because that will surely skew your thinking. You may not be able to see what's the right thing u have to do (already u are confused)

2. Since u have children, ask yourself... have u really tried and tried to reach out to your wife's mind, heart and soul? If yes and you are too tired to go further, then I think you need to let go. This doesn't mean abandoning your children BTW. Divorcing doesn't mean your kids have no father and mother. In fact, sometimes divorcing may lead to one or both parents giving even more attn to their children because of the limited time they have with their children.
Just to share, my parents have a terrible marriage. My mom and dad stopped sleeping in the same room after 10 years of being married. I know for a fact that after my youngest sibling (approx after 12 years of being married) my parents never had sex anymore. They also cant see eye to eye in many many things and since i was a child, they have quarreled many times. My father will force me to witness their arguments, dunno for what. I remember when i was about 3 or 4 years old and my father threw the leg rest next to my mom because he was so angry. Luckily I know how to see the amusing side of things n was not too traumatised seeing all these. As i got older to around 12 years old, i started to think that it is better if my parents just divorce because they were so unhappy and they were CREATING AN UNHAPPY ATMOSPHERE AT HOME. I told them this few times over the years. But they are still together until now ...because, old fashion mah...how can divorce?! But honestly, spkg from a child from a noisy home with 2 unhappy parents... i pitied both of them. I think if they were with other ppl, they may have thrived and become better and happier ppl. If you did yr very best, i think it is time for divorce but pls be fair to your wife and also your children. Children are the most important ones and shouldn't feel like they were abandoned.

Maybe you can learn from this peaceful divorce: https://www.goalcast.com/2019/11/08/gwyneth...couple-divorce/

3. A marriage is not only about children. If there is no love, tenderness, affection, intimacy, communication, chemistry.... then wtf is that, really?

Good luck!
biggrin.gif
Sensualpassion
post May 30 2020, 01:31 PM

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Also, she may have rejected to see a psychiatrist .... but tell her your frustrations and struggles and see if she'll see a couple's counselor w you.
SUSAsquith
post May 30 2020, 05:18 PM

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QUOTE(Sensualpassion @ May 30 2020, 01:31 PM)
Also, she may have rejected to see a psychiatrist .... but tell her your frustrations and struggles and see if she'll see a couple's counselor w you.
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While it is a good and practical suggestion it is rarely ever the case that such a suggestion has a good outcome.

An absolute surety when you suggest to a deranged woman that there is a problem that she needs help on would be a fire that cannot be put off easily that may all but consume the proposer.

This of course ignores the fact that such sessions are prohibitively expensive. Rarely ever do they come for less than RM500 per 40 minute session unless you are after a quack. Usually takes 6 to 10 sessions before there are any noticeable results and that is assuming there would be an outcome other than good money gone down the drain.
J1g54w
post May 30 2020, 08:20 PM

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QUOTE(hellboy84 @ May 25 2020, 02:15 PM)
I am married for 10 years now. I have 3 kids with my wife, the youngest is 7 months old. Our relationship had always been hit and miss as we fought alot but I try to save it for the sake of my kids. 3 years ago my wife had a miscarriage and after that she was depressed and due to the depression, she became aggressive and our family was broken. My mom was staying with me and she left the house after problem with my wife. I tried to help her, talk to her and be supportive to her. She doesn't believe that she is depressed and didnt want to meet a psychiatrist. The only way i could help her is to overcome her sadness which is due to the miscarriage. She got pregnant again and we got a son 7 months ago.

We are not sexually active for almost 4 years now, yes we have sex but its like once every 3 months. Only time she was active is when she wanted to try for baby. Lately, I have lost interest with my wife. Even before the baby was born, she preferred to sleep in the guest room. She said its easier for her. After 17 months now, she is still in guest room and I am in our room. We dont have any intimacy for the last 17 months. I do love her because she is the mother of my child. And I am not going to divorce her for the sake of my kids. I dont want my kids to live without a father and a mother.

3 years ago, i befriended a lady who i know from work. She is from overseas and she came down for a short project. We became friends and we have been talking on social media once in a while. She is a divorcee with a kid. Lately i have been developing feelings for this friend. She have been very supportive and we have shared alot of our struggles and life events, both of us have confessed what we feel for each other. I have never been with any other girl other than my wife since i was married. Even this friend, we have never spent time together apart from at office when she was down.

I am not sure what I am doing is right or wrong. I feel like I am cheating my wife but at the same time, i feel like i need some happiness too. What should i do?
*
Don't cheat. If you want another relationship then get rid of the existing relationship first. Life is too short to mess with complications from cheating.
garlicpesto
post Jun 7 2020, 08:56 PM

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I'm gonna go against the majority and say, do what makes you happy. I was in a similar situation. Long term relationship (not 10 years though) and the chemistry has already died down. I was lusting and chasing the excitement of new love and eventually did a mistake with another girl I met one night.

It was just one time but what happened afterwards surprised me. My passion + commitment for my then girlfriend came back very hard and I was able to lift our relationship back up again.

Sure there was some guilt there but as long you can learn from your mistakes and ACT upon them, you'd be okay smile.gif

 

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