Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

6 Pages < 1 2 3 4 > » Bottom

Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+

 Tired of daughter misbehaving. Solutions?

views
     
fearless_kiki
post Dec 2 2019, 07:16 PM

Getting Started
**
Junior Member
278 posts

Joined: Feb 2013
QUOTE(BillCollector @ Dec 2 2019, 06:42 PM)
No physical punishments of any kind. You will be spending time in a Scandinavian jail if you so much as tap their hand.

Generally they are very free ranging, let the child play, have a good childhood experience and spend as much time as possible outdoors.

They do spend a lot of time with their children in the 1st year as they get very long maternity leave. Once the baby is a year old and till 6 years old sent to nursery where the state takes care of everything.

Disciplining, usually lots of explaining and reflecting as well as told to make amends.
*
Hmm... but it clearly did not work in your case. Your daughter seem to have a mind of her own even after you did your explanation. And probably this method didn't work because you and your wife couldn't spend as much time as a Scandinavian mother. And also because your wife is using Asian method while you are using western method. Both methods are totally different and your child can clearly see a difference.

No one starts from being a bad person. All crimes/misbehaviour starts from small issues. You had probably ignored all the small mischief that she did in her past and "let her behave like a child". She had too much freedom and therefore not knowing what discipline is other than a rotan. And from the latest case you didn't seem to take any action on her calling racial slurs to her mom???

You and your wife need to work out a parenting plan whereby both need to comply. And yes, like one of the members had mentioned, the child doesn't receive much love so the relationship becomes more bitter as she receive every stroke from the mother.

Did you try explain to your daughter that the mother is currently pregnant and could have mood swings? Try asking her to be more polite to the mother during the pregnancy period. And at the same time, hide the rotan from the mother. Try asking her to leave the discipline part for you to handle while she focus on the baby. Anything that needs to be discipline just ask her to give you an eye, or call you to handle. Ask her to focus solely on the baby.

Actually I believe when a child have a "war" with the parent, the parent will always have the upper hand if they play their cards correctly. Because the child is not independent to feed/live by itself (hehehe). You just need to know what your child fears of the most. For my friend's son, it is fear of going on stage. One day, he was playing on the stage before church service and he should be there because there are musical instruments. The mom told him that she will put him on stage when the service starts. Since he doesn't like to go on stage, he quickly come down from it.

So anyway, does your daughter still has her privileges around her after she misbehaved? (Phone, ps4...) If yes then there is a big problem. Because she still able to have her normal routine after she did wrong (name calling, not listening...) and she will think that there is NO NEED TO LISTEN. Because she still has her iphone. And when you are going to confiscate the items for misbehaving, be firm and comply to it (eg: no phones for 1 week if the daughter says any racial slurs).

And when everyone has a better mood, take them to somewhere fun and relaxing. The house has too much tension already.

This post has been edited by fearless_kiki: Dec 2 2019, 07:35 PM
Pichu00
post Dec 2 2019, 08:52 PM

On my way
****
Junior Member
640 posts

Joined: Jan 2019
Dint know ts is half white..... Nice to know u got rich ppl problem.
lurkingaround
post Dec 2 2019, 09:30 PM

Rule of Law
*******
Senior Member
5,106 posts

Joined: Sep 2019
From: South Klang Valley suburb



https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-to...f-monsters.html - Have Sweden’s permissive parents given birth to a generation of monsters? - As the children spared the rod come of age, doubts about the practice are growing, Judith Woods finds - 2014

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archiv...mperors/361617/ - Little Emperors
In Sweden, a backlash against the rule of children - 2014
.
V429
post Dec 2 2019, 10:07 PM

Member
******
Senior Member
1,002 posts

Joined: Apr 2011
I don't have much experience with children, but the only thing I can think to suggest is to try to sit down with your child and teach her empathy, to put herself in other's shoes.

Like when she calls her mum chink, ask her how would mum feels when the child she returns to love & care for (although with Chinese style parenting) calls her something so nasty? Would that break her mum's heart? How would the child feel in turn if someone she loves broke her heart? Hopefully she will learn to see how her behaviour affect or even hurt others and come to adjust herself.
Mel2
post Dec 2 2019, 11:08 PM

Enthusiast
*****
Junior Member
844 posts

Joined: Mar 2012


QUOTE(BillCollector @ Dec 2 2019, 06:23 PM)
She is the eldest and she has a younger brother.
She is 11, she has been upset with the mum because the mum is the very strict type and since attending the new school she finds that she is in the very small minority that has such a strict mum.

The mum, she is a good mum just that the stick is the only way she knows because that's how she was brought up. Yes she does have a temper and also she is pregnant which causes her to be easily irritated. Difficult to reason with her that the cane needs to be put away.
*
11 is still very young. Try to be in her shoes. She's caught in between 2 extreme ways of parenting. Having to change school, she has to catch up with her studies as well as adapting to her new school, friends and teachers. It is NOT easy.

There are pros and cons in being strict with her. If she's against it, you have to mellow down, try other ways.

I suggest you to find time to be with her more often..

If can, bring her for a day out. If she likes to watch movies, let her choose what to watch... Or bring her to eat her favourite food, even just desserts. Make her as happy as she can. It will be her special time between just the 2 of you.

Don't make it like a trade, I treat you good, you better behave.

No! Don't ask for anything in return.

When she starts to feel good with you, start talking to her about her mum. Let her know that mum is very tired, have to work, now she's pregnant, she may be a bit impatient.

Tell your daughter to be kind to her mum...

Listen what she has to say... Acknowledge her feelings. Assure her that mum loves her very much, never intend to hurt her in any ways..

All children want to be loved and given full attention in everything they do..

She's at her growing age, hormones changing... So you may find that it difficult to reason with her..

Be patient... Listen to her... Just listen regardless you like it or not...
ScooterBoi
post Dec 3 2019, 12:04 AM

Regular
******
Senior Member
1,278 posts

Joined: Mar 2013
Daughter : Dad, please tell mum I am not a chink like her.
Me : Even if you aren't one your behavior is making me doubt you are not one.

'Chink' is a racial slur, both father and daughter don't get it.

Not a surprise that the daughter learns to be racist like her racist father who thinks his British genes from his father is more superior than his Chinese genes from his mother.

Get real la, you grew up here in Malaysia/Asia and only went to study in America. You are more Asian than White but somehow you think you are white and more superior than your Malaysian Chinese wife.

I think it would better for you to listen more to your wife and seriously listen to what she is saying and transfer your daughter back to her previous local Chinese school.

And stop referring yourself and your wife by your skin colours.

And please stop yourself from believing that the western ways are better to eastern and oriental ways. Even if you think so, don't opening discuss and voice your opinions in the presence of children.







mini orchard
post Dec 3 2019, 06:18 AM

10k Club
********
All Stars
13,913 posts

Joined: Sep 2017
If parents cannot 'handle' their children, better to let them in boarding school.

Let others mould them. Children listened to others more than to their own parents.

This post has been edited by mini orchard: Dec 3 2019, 07:04 AM
Mel2
post Dec 3 2019, 06:59 AM

Enthusiast
*****
Junior Member
844 posts

Joined: Mar 2012


Our children are mirrors, reflecting images of what happens around them. In addition to sharing genetic similarities with parents, they reflect the gestures, language, and interests of the adults in their lives.

Our children reflect our pattern behaviour... 😂


Zaszo
post Dec 3 2019, 08:57 AM

Getting Started
**
Junior Member
229 posts

Joined: Aug 2012
based from what i read,its about when two world collide.

Your daughter are comparing the life she had with her friends.It is normal i would say for all child who has friends.

My best advice is ask yourself,in what way you want your daughter to be raised. Until you found your answer,you have to teach your daughter on how to not expecting the same things that happen to others people on her life.

I wish you and your family will always be happy.
wtm0325
post Dec 3 2019, 09:11 AM


******
Senior Member
1,796 posts

Joined: Jan 2005

Sorry to hear your story TS.. is she feeling confuse?

Is like having to work in environment that
- 2 bosses with different direction (her dad & mum)
- and a bunch of colleague that tells you otherwise (her friends)
SUSBillCollector
post Dec 3 2019, 09:14 AM

Enthusiast
*****
Junior Member
818 posts

Joined: Jul 2019
QUOTE(lurkingaround @ Dec 2 2019, 09:30 PM)
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-to...f-monsters.html - Have Sweden’s permissive parents given birth to a generation of monsters? - As the children spared the rod come of age, doubts about the practice are growing, Judith Woods finds - 2014

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archiv...mperors/361617/ - Little Emperors
In Sweden, a backlash against the rule of children - 2014
.
*
You do realize that it has been illegal to use physical punishment in Sweden since the mid 70s?

Here you go, in much of Scandinavia there are monsters.

Pray tell, why in Bolihland where schools are allowed to cane, parents can cane all they want yet there are even more monsters about? You get mat rempits, mat lanjaks and then there are your usual ah beng and ah lian menaces.

Hah don't get me started with the way people drive on the roads here or the way they behave at an IKEA store.
lurkingaround
post Dec 3 2019, 10:15 AM

Rule of Law
*******
Senior Member
5,106 posts

Joined: Sep 2019
From: South Klang Valley suburb



QUOTE(BillCollector @ Dec 3 2019, 09:14 AM)
You do realize that it has been illegal to use physical punishment in Sweden since the mid 70s?

Here you go, in much of Scandinavia there are monsters.

Pray tell, why in Bolihland where schools are allowed to cane, parents can cane all they want yet there are even more monsters about? You get mat rempits, mat lanjaks and then there are your usual ah beng and ah lian menaces.

Hah don't get me started with the way people drive on the roads here or the way they behave at an IKEA store.
*
.
There are a few bad apple trees and rotten apples in every country, no matter how good and perfect the government, Law and system.
.
.
You seem to not realize that Swedish Law does not apply when you and your daughter are in Malaysia.

You seem to have also not realize that the US Law's 1st Amendment does not apply when you and your daughter are in Malaysia, eg the powerful Malaysian government can prosecute/persecute you and your daughter(= when she turns 18) for seditious and unlawful speech made in Malaysia, like religious insults.
....... Furthermore, you misinterpreted the US 1st Amendment to your daughter by allowing her to freely answer/retort back at her mother, at yourself and even calling her mother a chink, ie the US 1st Amendment does not prohibit less powerful companies, websites, parents, etc from restricting the speech of US citizens, eg by ejecting and banning foul-mouthed US citizens from their premises and by sacking foul-mouthed US employees. Even if your wife is in USA, she has the legal right to shut-up your daughter's foul mouth with whatever reasonable means at her disposal.

Maybe you should move your family to Sweden or USA to "solve" your daughter-problem.
.

This post has been edited by lurkingaround: Dec 3 2019, 10:26 AM
SUSBillCollector
post Dec 3 2019, 10:40 AM

Enthusiast
*****
Junior Member
818 posts

Joined: Jul 2019
QUOTE(lurkingaround @ Dec 3 2019, 10:15 AM)
.
There are a few bad apple trees and rotten apples in every country, no matter how good and perfect the government, Law and system.
.
.
You seem to not realize that Swedish Law does not apply when you and your daughter are in Malaysia.

You seem to have also not realize that the US Law's 1st Amendment does not apply when you and your daughter are in Malaysia, eg the powerful Malaysian government can prosecute/persecute you and your daughter(= when she turns 18) for seditious and unlawful speech made in Malaysia, like religious insults.
....... Furthermore, you misinterpreted the US 1st Amendment to your daughter by allowing her to freely answer/retort back at her mother, at yourself and even calling her mother a chink, ie the US 1st Amendment does not prohibit less powerful companies, websites, parents, etc from restricting the speech of US citizens, eg by ejecting and banning foul-mouthed US citizens from their premises and by sacking foul-mouthed US employees. Even if your wife is in USA, she has the legal right to shut-up your daughter's foul mouth with whatever reasonable means at her disposal.

Maybe you should move your family to Sweden or USA to "solve" your daughter-problem.
.
*
It isn't about laws its about mentality.

Just so you know, in many states in America, all the child has to do is tell the teacher the parents threatened to hit them with any object and the next day that child will be taken away by state to be placed in care.

I'd imagine my wife would be in jail if the school our daughter attends is in America as even in states parents are allowed to physically punish once it leaves a mark it is considered child abuse.

Anyway she won't agree to moving anywhere, not even to China or Taiwan let alone to Sweden...... hahaha I think it'd be a cold day in hell before she agreed for me to be in Sweden as she has quite a few "rivals" and a nemesis living there.
lurkingaround
post Dec 3 2019, 11:17 AM

Rule of Law
*******
Senior Member
5,106 posts

Joined: Sep 2019
From: South Klang Valley suburb



QUOTE(BillCollector @ Dec 3 2019, 10:40 AM)
It isn't about laws its about mentality.

Just so you know, in many states in America, all the child has to do is tell the teacher the parents threatened to hit them with any object and the next day that child will be taken away by state to be placed in care.

I'd imagine my wife would be in jail if the school our daughter attends is in America as even in states parents are allowed to physically punish once it leaves a mark it is considered child abuse.
*

You seem to be contradicting yourself.
.
And what would happen to your daughter when her mother is in US jail.? What a fine liberal/progressive US/Swedish solution. Seems, progressive/liberal US Law on child upbringing is out of whack.

There are many reasonable or legal ways for your wife to shut-up your daughter's foul-mouth in USA, eg she can abandon and forsake your daughter and you as a last resort, in order to save herself from being jailed by your daughter and you.

If your daughter and her foul mouth remain in Malaysia when she turns 18 and above, she will likely end up in a Malaysian jail or be sacked from her Malaysian job or be banned from lowyatdotnet. These may apply to you also - be warned.
.

This post has been edited by lurkingaround: Dec 3 2019, 11:31 AM
SUSBillCollector
post Dec 3 2019, 12:59 PM

Enthusiast
*****
Junior Member
818 posts

Joined: Jul 2019
This is how the issue was dealt with :-

-When they came home I told both mummy and daughter to sit.

-I asked daughter to tell me what she referred to the mum in the morning. Which she kept quiet. The mum asked if the same word was used, without waiting she went to take the cane, told her to stand and caned her butt 3 times.

-I asked her to sit at the kitchen island and clean 2 good pieces of birds nest and to think back of all the times she was caned since starting the new school.

-Then I told her for her lunch she was having another round of that noodles and I told the maid to throw that bottle of ketchup. I told her after she had eaten it she is going to thank her mummy for the effort and work she put in to prepare it for her.

-I asked her to tell me the reasons she was caned. She gave broad and general answers. I told her to write 500 lines in English, French and Chinese that she been disrespectful to her mum and that she won't repeat it again. Told her while doing it to reflect back on the times she displeased and disrespected her mum since starting at her new school.

-Then I told her to get a basin and told the mummy to sit at the living room. Told the daughter she will kneel by her mum and wash the mum's feet. This did take some coaxing, 1 at first didn't want to do it, the other didn't want to let it happen. Told her while she is washing the mum's feet she will be sincerely apologizing to the mum for all the times she had wronged her and to do so with utmost sincerity. When she had finished apologizing she would continue to wash the mum's feet until the mum tell's her to stop. The mum told her to massage the calves and ankles, while speaking to her.

-Mum said daughter has promised to change her ways.

-I gave the daughter a bowl of birds nest, told her to kneel by her mum, told her she will apologize for all the hurt she caused to her mum and hold that bowl above her head while her mum eats it.

-I told them I did not want to see, hear or find out these types of misbehaving regardless of whose fault it was going on in the house.

Seems to have worked, both mum and daughter are talking to each other again.
hksgmy
post Dec 3 2019, 01:07 PM

Doraemon!
*******
Senior Member
4,359 posts

Joined: Sep 2019
The alpha has spoken. All hail the alpha.
Mel2
post Dec 3 2019, 02:38 PM

Enthusiast
*****
Junior Member
844 posts

Joined: Mar 2012


Wow! I'm speechless!! 😶


ApocalypseSoon
post Dec 3 2019, 03:24 PM

Getting Started
**
Junior Member
209 posts

Joined: Jan 2019
If u want her to behave like her old self => Send her back to her old school.
ladytarot99
post Dec 3 2019, 03:26 PM

Casual
***
Junior Member
392 posts

Joined: Jul 2019


the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, TS should look at the man in the mirror.. does he treat his mother right? Does he treat his wife right? We don’t ask a child change their attitude, they are innocent. We should change our attitude and they would follow.
-=warner=-
post Dec 3 2019, 03:35 PM

New Member
*
Junior Member
11 posts

Joined: Sep 2004
QUOTE(BillCollector @ Dec 3 2019, 12:59 PM)
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

*
Hmm.. I can't accept some of the methods, but I am really happy that you step in and your wife and daughter are talking to each other again.
Hope they can get along for as long as possible.

This post has been edited by -=warner=-: Dec 3 2019, 03:36 PM

6 Pages < 1 2 3 4 > » Top
 

Change to:
| Lo-Fi Version
0.0231sec    0.17    5 queries    GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 29th March 2024 - 09:25 AM