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 My Family Drama, Drama between my wife and my mom

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mayhammer
post Nov 22 2019, 09:13 AM

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just think of bad stuff
women think with emotions

anyways, I pray it gets better for you

TSsyusham431
post Nov 22 2019, 09:45 AM

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QUOTE(mayhammer @ Nov 22 2019, 09:13 AM)
just think of bad stuff
women think with emotions

anyways, I pray it gets better for you
*
sweat.gif sweat.gif thanks man thumbsup.gif

Hope everythings well...
unknown_2
post Nov 22 2019, 06:45 PM

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QUOTE(syusham431 @ Nov 20 2019, 11:48 AM)
as per title, dun want to talk more, juz want advices....I juz married for 3 months now, but already many things already happen, argument is normal between me and my wife, I can still take the heat and be patience....lately the problem starts when my wife spends time with my mom....

My wife is super sensitive, always see the negative rather than the positive side...now she always says my mom is cruel etc to her but from my point of view its a small matter, like my mom went eating but doesnt invite her or like go shopping but doesnt ask her what she likes/loves....juz small matters lah, but she makes it like a big deal...always complaining to me about how bad my mom is, but to me my mom is always like that....so now im stuck....what should I do?  sweat.gif  sweat.gif

Should I told my mom that my wife has issues with her?? Should I tell my wife to just deal with it?? Every action I make has consequences  sweat.gif  sweat.gif

REALLY NEEED ADVICE ON THISS  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif
*
who ask u break the golden rule.
wife & mom cannot life 2gether 1.
hksgmy
post Nov 22 2019, 07:28 PM

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QUOTE(unknown_2 @ Nov 22 2019, 06:45 PM)
who ask u break the golden rule.
wife & mom cannot life 2gether 1.
*
Not exactly always true but more often than not the case.
mini orchard
post Nov 22 2019, 07:49 PM

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QUOTE(unknown_2 @ Nov 22 2019, 06:45 PM)
who ask u break the golden rule.
wife & mom cannot life 2gether 1.
*
My wife and mum have been together from day 1. Shall I say almost 30 years now. She is in her 90's now.

I wont say there is no dissagreement, but I always say that tolak ansur is the key word.

My mum word of wisdom to my wife ... how she take care of my grandfather is how my daughter-in-law will take care of me and that is how your future daughter in law will take care of you.

The only thing I am not 'happy' is my mother always say her daughter in law is better than me.
unknown_2
post Nov 22 2019, 09:50 PM

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QUOTE(mini orchard @ Nov 22 2019, 07:49 PM)
My wife and mum have been together from day 1. Shall I say almost 30 years now. She is in her 90's now.

I wont say there is no dissagreement, but I always say that tolak ansur is the key word.

My mum word of wisdom to my wife ... how she take care of my grandfather is how my daughter-in-law will take care of me and that is how your future daughter in law will take care of you.

The only thing I am not 'happy' is my mother always say her daughter in law is better than me.
*
true.
no matter how compromising both party is, there sure to be som arguments or disagreement, small or big.

the golden rule not to say must follow, but it's a good guide to a lot less stress.
hksgmy
post Nov 22 2019, 09:55 PM

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QUOTE(mini orchard @ Nov 22 2019, 07:49 PM)
My wife and mum have been together from day 1. Shall I say almost 30 years now. She is in her 90's now.

I wont say there is no dissagreement, but I always say that tolak ansur is the key word.

My mum word of wisdom to my wife ... how she take care of my grandfather is how my daughter-in-law will take care of me and that is how your future daughter in law will take care of you.

The only thing I am not 'happy' is my mother always say her daughter in law is better than me.
*
Your mother is a wise woman my friend. My mother used to side my wife whenever my wife and I had disagreements. And sometimes, even though it’s absolutely clear (at least to me) that it was my wife’s fault, my mother would still say I was the one in the wrong.

I asked her once why she would take my wife’s side all the time. My late mother had this to say:

“Son, my blood runs in your veins. We can argue today but tomorrow, you are still my son and I will always be your mother. Your wife is my daughter in law. So, it is not enough that I know I love her. She must know that I love her. So, I must take her side, always.”

I never questioned her wisdom ever again.
Blofeld
post Nov 24 2019, 11:31 AM

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first time I heard this

usually it's the other way around

the MIL will complain that the DIL didn't invite the MIL for lunch, shopping, to eat, bla bla.

DIL must respect the MIL and must "literally send out invitation" to the MIL to go out for breakfast lunch, dinner, shopping, etc. DIL must also cook for MIL.

Lucky that your wife is not living with such MIL.
TSsyusham431
post Nov 25 2019, 03:49 PM

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QUOTE(unknown_2 @ Nov 22 2019, 06:45 PM)
who ask u break the golden rule.
wife & mom cannot life 2gether 1.
*
No, I dun live with my mum lah...occasionally my mum would visit me and my wife house and stay for a couple of days....my mum is nearing retirement and she lives in kedah, but lately my mum just got her epf money and spend it at KL....My mum now lives a very luxurious life I might add...My mum would stay with us to jimat the hotel money but always shopping at OU, Midvalley, etc...

The problem starts when my mum just bought some stuff for me but not my wife, then my wife will go say that my mum hate her etc....and the cycle repeats itself....its the smallest things that made my wife bising bising sweat.gif sweat.gif
TSsyusham431
post Nov 25 2019, 03:51 PM

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QUOTE(Blofeld @ Nov 24 2019, 11:31 AM)
first time I heard this

usually it's the other way around

the MIL will complain that the DIL didn't invite the MIL for lunch, shopping, to eat, bla bla.

DIL must respect the MIL and must "literally send out invitation" to the MIL to go out for breakfast lunch, dinner, shopping, etc. DIL must also cook for MIL.

Lucky that your wife is not living with such MIL.
*
LOL! biggrin.gif biggrin.gif tongue.gif
SUSRaikkonen
post Nov 25 2019, 05:03 PM

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Phew~

Can tell but be discreet.

Make something up so that mommy did not know the real reason.

In other words, no hard feelings... conflicts.


For me, your wife is the needy, spoilt type.

Not your mom's fault.

But you married her, so you have to deal with it.

Either advice her to change and grow up or you just have to suck it up.



This post has been edited by Raikkonen: Nov 25 2019, 05:06 PM
hksgmy
post Nov 25 2019, 06:20 PM

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QUOTE(syusham431 @ Nov 25 2019, 03:49 PM)
No, I dun live with my mum lah...occasionally my mum would visit me and my wife house and stay for a couple of days....my mum is nearing retirement and she lives in kedah, but lately my mum just got her epf money and spend it at KL....My mum now lives a very luxurious life I might add...My mum would stay with us to jimat the hotel money but always shopping at OU, Midvalley, etc...

The problem starts when my mum just bought some stuff for me but not my wife, then my wife will go say that my mum hate her etc....and the cycle repeats itself....its the smallest things that made my wife bising bising  sweat.gif  sweat.gif
*
Hi syusham431, I think the main issue here is that your wife (at least from what you're telling us) is a little insecure. She may be overly reading too much into the nuances or the perceived meanings behind your mother's actions or inactions. This one you need to carefully manage... if you keep saying your mother doesn't mean this, doesn't mean that, your wife might salah faham and think that you're saying that she's a liar or she's overly sensitive (although she is sensitive, no woman will ever admit it).

Good luck bro! ... I don't envy your position!

This post has been edited by hksgmy: Nov 25 2019, 10:23 PM
mushigen
post Nov 25 2019, 09:47 PM

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QUOTE(syusham431 @ Nov 20 2019, 11:48 AM)
as per title, dun want to talk more, juz want advices....I juz married for 3 months now, but already many things already happen, argument is normal between me and my wife, I can still take the heat and be patience....lately the problem starts when my wife spends time with my mom....

My wife is super sensitive, always see the negative rather than the positive side...now she always says my mom is cruel etc to her but from my point of view its a small matter, like my mom went eating but doesnt invite her or like go shopping but doesnt ask her what she likes/loves....juz small matters lah, but she makes it like a big deal...always complaining to me about how bad my mom is, but to me my mom is always like that....so now im stuck....what should I do?  sweat.gif  sweat.gif

Should I told my mom that my wife has issues with her?? Should I tell my wife to just deal with it?? Every action I make has consequences  sweat.gif  sweat.gif

REALLY NEEED ADVICE ON THISS  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif  icon_question.gif
*
During the initial period of marriage, arguments between husband and wife are extremely common. Two strangers suddenly have to live together, and it takes time to learn mutual understanding and know each other's characters. It doesn't make it easier to have a mother-in-law, especially if it's the husband's mother.
The mother thinks she understands her own son better than his wife does, and that's where arguments can happen. Some mothers think they are the centre of their son's universe but fail to understand that it's the son's wife that will spend the rest of her life (hopefully) with her son.

As for the new wife, having to "share" her husband during this initial stage worsens the situation. You need patience.

QUOTE(AmIRight? @ Nov 20 2019, 12:33 PM)
Your mother is orang tua. Your wife should respect your mom.
Small issues for man, but for woman it is normal small issue become big issue.
My advise is tell your wife to layan her mother in law as tetamu. Eg: she cook for your mom if can,invite her to watch tv together etc.
If you think difficult,you become middle man.your wife cook,you invite your mom to eat together.
*
Respect is earned, not automatically granted.
TSsyusham431
post Nov 26 2019, 08:38 AM

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QUOTE(Raikkonen @ Nov 25 2019, 05:03 PM)
Phew~

Can tell but be discreet.

Make something up so that mommy did not know the real reason.

In other words, no hard feelings... conflicts.
For me, your wife is the needy, spoilt type.

Not your mom's fault.

But you married her, so you have to deal with it.

Either advice her to change and grow up or you just have to suck it up.
*
Already advice her, and tried to change her but she said she need time to change, and I always suck it up tongue.gif biggrin.gif

This post has been edited by syusham431: Nov 26 2019, 08:39 AM
TSsyusham431
post Nov 26 2019, 08:40 AM

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QUOTE(hksgmy @ Nov 25 2019, 06:20 PM)
Hi syusham431, I think the main issue here is that your wife (at least from what you're telling us) is a little insecure. She may be overly reading too much into the nuances or the perceived meanings behind your mother's actions or inactions. This one you need to carefully manage... if you keep saying your mother doesn't mean this, doesn't mean that, your wife might salah faham and think that you're saying that she's a liar or she's overly sensitive (although she is sensitive, no woman will ever admit it).

Good luck bro! ... I don't envy your position!
*
I know right, and surprisingly she admits thats she is overly sensitive and she said she will try to change that biggrin.gif biggrin.gif
TSsyusham431
post Nov 26 2019, 08:45 AM

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QUOTE(mushigen @ Nov 25 2019, 09:47 PM)
During the initial period of marriage, arguments between husband and wife are extremely common. Two strangers suddenly have to live together, and it takes time to learn mutual understanding and know each other's characters. It doesn't make it easier to have a mother-in-law, especially if it's the husband's mother.
The mother thinks she understands her own son better than his wife does, and that's where arguments can happen. Some mothers think they are the centre of their son's universe but fail to understand that it's the son's wife that will spend the rest of her life (hopefully) with her son.

As for the new wife, having to "share" her husband during this initial stage worsens the situation.  You need patience.
Respect is earned, not automatically granted.
*
yes, soo true af....already friends with my wife for more than 5 years and thought I already knew her, but after marriage, boy I was wrong about it shocking.gif shocking.gif but thats marriage right? Now I realise that I completely doesnt know her very well, for the past 5 years being friends with her before marriage, all that is just the tip of the ice-berg...after married, sweat.gif sweat.gif well you guys can see the problem now..
SUSRaikkonen
post Nov 26 2019, 08:57 AM

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QUOTE(syusham431 @ Nov 26 2019, 08:38 AM)
Already advice her, and tried to change her but she said she need time to change, and I always suck it up  tongue.gif  biggrin.gif
*
That's good.

Help her to change.
TSsyusham431
post Nov 26 2019, 09:02 AM

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QUOTE(Raikkonen @ Nov 26 2019, 08:57 AM)
That's good.

Help her to change.
*
Im trying my bestt// smile.gif innocent.gif

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