I have depression. My appointment is next week, but its gomen so I dont always get to talk about my sexuality if the doctor is malay (im malay too). The doctors are on rotation, so sometimes you'd always get different doctors.

I am not sure if I'm having another episode, or existential crisis.

Work - I now wholeheartedly hate everything here. Every single thing just annoys me. My attendance is pretty shitty too now, Im almost always late to work, no longer punctual. Each morning I have to keep forcing myself to go to work, sitting by the bed staring into spaces. At work, sometimes I have to control this huge urge to just walk out. Last week on Thursday, it was so bad until I had to stop myself from crying from all of the feelings. I have a feeling my boss is aware that Im not doing so good, but its not that obvious. She knows I have depression, so she might think Im just being less chatty because its another episode. Im contemplating to talk to her about it, but our business is not doing so well and I dont know, Im scared she wont take it nicely. Some mornings, just as I walked into the office, I'd get a headache just from the stress. I cant take any more days off, all out of leave. Im scared of looking for a new job, scared of changes and Im not in the best position to present myself to prospective employers. My savings arent a lot, so I cant just get up and leave.

Sexuality - Only recently Im fully realizing and admitting to myself that I am completely lesbian. I always dated men, telling myself im bi since its easier. Being a malay from a conventional family, coming out is suicidal and I see no future with it. I want kids, and i want to settle down. I dont want my parents to disown me ( i know they would), and i dont see dating a girl will have any bright future ahead. And that thought just scares me. If i marry a guy, i would probably not love him fully, and then end up stuck in a marriage Im not happy with. If I come out, I will lose my family, and its not like I could marry the girl and have kids.

Is there a support group for lgbt in malaysia? What should I do with all of these thoughts? I have started dissociating again, thats the only place I feel safe and happy right now. I dont think Im doing bad yet, I can still control my impulsive thoughts (used to act on them before, like disappear from work for 2 weeks). I forced myself to exercise although my mind still dissociate. Im just afraid of what's to come, I sense another explosion coming.

Thanks guys, i didnt think Befriender wouldnt layan such calls, so I never bothered.
I thought they would only layan suicidal and serious cases.

I will give them a call later today, thanks again for the suggestion.

What are these details for?

I only have one Singh doctor who is ngam with all these. Other doctors although non-malay, sometimes are not very open to talk about this too. Maybe he's a good doctor, so i dont always get him even though i made the request upon registration.

The first doctor i opened up about sexuality issue, was a non-malay and he made fun of it. Literally asked me details that are sexual in nature while snickering when i talked. My second doctor was malay, religious but cool about it. Sadly she moved abroad.

Thank you so much for sharing these contacts, i really appreciate it.