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 Seeing a teenager, When's the right time to pop the qn?

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TSMerryGoRound^2
post Jun 20 2019, 07:26 PM, updated 5y ago

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Been seeing a boy 9 years my junior for a month, there's a mutual attraction between both parties but we're both playing the waiting game (or so I think).

Thing about this is I never intended for feelings to be involved, but his behaviors did warm my heart and I developed a brotherly affection for him, and at this point something a little more than that but less of a romantic attraction. I'd be interested in getting to know him further but I'm not sure if he feels the same.

It's a little hard to initiate conversations with him because we don't share a lot of common topics to talk about and at the same time, I'm a little too hesitant to ask anything in fear of coming across as annoying or borderline creepy.

However, this kid has asked me to visit him whenever he's performing (performing arts student) and we've gone out on at least once with one another. Funny part is he doesn't reject my presence but he isn't exactly desperate for me to be around either.

Now before I get to the main question, here are a few disclaimers:

1) I am not a pedophile or a child groomer, I gravitate towards older men but alas, this kid stirred up feelings in me that I haven't felt since my ex
2) The boy is way more experienced than I am in the areas of being gay (?), he's explored his sexuality, had sex and is comfortable with his sexual orientation whereas I'm the complete opposite.
3) I am acutely aware of the age gap, and thus, refrain from anything physical from him.
4) I am completely aware that there is a possibility that nothing good will come out of this and that's okay because I'm happy just watching him grow and mature
5) I am also aware of the implications that come along, legal wise though I'm not too afraid of that since neither of us have crossed the line and I've already gone through some backlash.
6) If things do culminate in a relationship, I'm confident things will not last long due to our respective life plans but I see that there's some life lessons for both of us to gain from said relationship.

So for the past one month, it's basically me buying desserts for him whenever I see him and he's always happy to see me.

Thing is, I'm not exactly sure what to do now and more importantly, I'm not sure if he's expecting me to make the first move. I'm not one to make the first move but it seems it's come to a point where the kid seems oblivious to my advances . Sometimes he keeps asking me why am I being so nice to him and I'm not exactly sure how to respond. I did casually mention once that I was interested in him, but he has explicitly stated he's not looking to go into a relationship since he's got SPM and his tournaments going.

My question is, do I tell him a second time that I'm interested in him? Or should I continue to play the waiting game until he gives me a much more concrete sign? I was pretty darn sure it was a one-sided affection, but it seems as of late, he's been very responsive to my presence but does not initiate anything with me. I would think if he found me annoying, he would have told me off long ago.

Again, not expecting anything out of this but I do think maybe it's worthwhile talking about him and I. I just don't know how to do it in such a way that it's child-friendly, if that makes sense. If he seems certain about not reciprocating my feelings, great. I'll just look out for him like a close friend and coach him with his SPM syllabus. If he is interested in me and has been expecting me to make the first move, what do I do then?

Can I get some perspectives?

This post has been edited by MerryGoRound^2: Jun 20 2019, 07:29 PM
donald88
post Jun 20 2019, 07:37 PM

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As long as underage, don't even start.
ahchun
post Jun 20 2019, 07:48 PM

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QUOTE(donald88 @ Jun 20 2019, 07:37 PM)
As long as underage, don't even start.
*
this.

if not underage just pop the question la
SUSperfume fairy
post Jun 20 2019, 07:52 PM

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Tolong la weh

Teen would date teen
murphyckf
post Jun 20 2019, 07:57 PM

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Over your 6 point disclaimer, I can see you are contradicting yourself there.

You said that you are not a pedophile, which I trust you are not one. Yet you mentioned you are physically attracted to the boy and he stirs your feeling (Correct me if I'm reading it wrongly). It is either you wish you have a younger brother like him or you have feeling on him. I'm not sure what is the age of consent is now, should be 18yo. Unker strongly suggest you not to do anything, since his focus right now is on SPM and not you. If you really love him (which I believe that you are) give him time to discover his life goal

IMO you are really walking on a thin line here. BTW unker is married to a girl which is 10 year younger than I'm, we started dating when she is 21. Got married after 5 years of dating, no sex before marriage (Both of us agreed, due to our believe system as a Christian)
Justin Jack$on
post Jun 20 2019, 09:38 PM

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What is your age? What is his age? How big is the age gap?
ViktorJ
post Jun 20 2019, 10:33 PM

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QUOTE(Justin Jack$on @ Jun 20 2019, 09:38 PM)
What is your age? What is his age? How big is the age gap?
*
QUOTE(MerryGoRound^2 @ Jun 20 2019, 07:26 PM)
Been seeing a boy 9 years my junior for a month,

since he's got SPM and his tournaments going.
*
Really?

TSMerryGoRound^2
post Jun 21 2019, 12:55 AM

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QUOTE(murphyckf @ Jun 20 2019, 07:57 PM)
Over your 6 point disclaimer, I can see you are contradicting yourself there.

You said that you are not a pedophile, which I trust you are not one. Yet you mentioned you are physically attracted to the boy and he stirs your feeling (Correct me if I'm reading it wrongly). It is either you wish you have a younger brother like him or you have feeling on him. I'm not sure what is the age of consent is now, should be 18yo. Unker strongly suggest you not to do anything, since his focus right now is on SPM and not you. If you really love him (which I believe that you are) give him time to discover his life goal

IMO you are really walking on a thin line here. BTW unker is married to a girl which is 10 year younger than I'm, we started dating when she is 21. Got married after 5 years of dating, no sex before marriage (Both of us agreed, due to our believe system as a Christian)
*
Hold up. Point taken but I didn't say anything about being physically attracted to the boy. If any, my feelings are more emotional in nature than physical. And I did mention there's brotherly affections involved though I will say I'm starting to cross over than line a little, and that's totally a problem from my end.

As for loving him, like I said, I am fully aware that even if there is a potential relationship, it will not go on for long. As far as I know, the kid has a bright future ahead of him and I don't intend to hold him back but there are values to be learned if both parties ever formed something. Tbh, I don't see having a relationship being the main issue here but what sort of example will I be leading if there is one and if I haven't answered well enough, I do intend to nurture him and guide him with what knowledge I have of life. Likewise, I intend to impose a no sex rule until he turns 21, but I doubt the relationship will last that long. So I do hope that leaves no rooms for speculation about whether I'm destroying the kid's life or that I'm a bad influence.

I can understand concerns about the age gap or age itself, but I am definitely not above putting myself before a kid's education and want him to succeed too, which is why I'm trying to help him with his SPM.

QUOTE(Justin Jack$on @ Jun 20 2019, 09:38 PM)
What is your age? What is his age? How big is the age gap?
*
QUOTE(ViktorJ @ Jun 20 2019, 10:33 PM)
Really?
*
Viktor answered, though I don't know what's he saying "Really" to.
Yggdrasil
post Jun 21 2019, 01:17 AM

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QUOTE(MerryGoRound^2 @ Jun 20 2019, 07:26 PM)
Been seeing a boy 9 years my junior for a month, there's a mutual attraction between both parties but we're both playing the waiting game (or so I think).

Thing about this is I never intended for feelings to be involved, but his behaviors did warm my heart and I developed a brotherly affection for him, and at this point something a little more than that but less of a romantic attraction. I'd be interested in getting to know him further but I'm not sure if he feels the same.

It's a little hard to initiate conversations with him because we don't share a lot of common topics to talk about and at the same time, I'm a little too hesitant to ask anything in fear of coming across as annoying or borderline creepy.

However, this kid has asked me to visit him whenever he's performing (performing arts student) and we've gone out on at least once with one another. Funny part is he doesn't reject my presence but he isn't exactly desperate for me to be around either.

Now before I get to the main question, here are a few disclaimers:

1) I am not a pedophile or a child groomer, I gravitate towards older men but alas, this kid stirred up feelings in me that I haven't felt since my ex
2) The boy is way more experienced than I am in the areas of being gay (?), he's explored his sexuality, had sex and is comfortable with his sexual orientation whereas I'm the complete opposite.
3) I am acutely aware of the age gap, and thus, refrain from anything physical from him.
4) I am completely aware that there is a possibility that nothing good will come out of this and that's okay because I'm happy just watching him grow and mature
5) I am also aware of the implications that come along, legal wise though I'm not too afraid of that since neither of us have crossed the line and I've already gone through some backlash.
6) If things do culminate in a relationship, I'm confident things will not last long due to our respective life plans but I see that there's some life lessons for both of us to gain from said relationship.

So for the past one month, it's basically me buying desserts for him whenever I see him and he's always happy to see me.

Thing is, I'm not exactly sure what to do now and more importantly, I'm not sure if he's expecting me to make the first move. I'm not one to make the first move but it seems it's come to a point where the kid seems oblivious to my advances . Sometimes he keeps asking me why am I being so nice to him and I'm not exactly sure how to respond. I did casually mention once that I was interested in him, but he has explicitly stated he's not looking to go into a relationship since he's got SPM and his tournaments going.

My question is, do I tell him a second time that I'm interested in him? Or should I continue to play the waiting game until he gives me a much more concrete sign? I was pretty darn sure it was a one-sided affection, but it seems as of late, he's been very responsive to my presence but does not initiate anything with me. I would think if he found me annoying, he would have told me off long ago.

Again, not expecting anything out of this but I do think maybe it's worthwhile talking about him and I. I just don't know how to do it in such a way that it's child-friendly, if that makes sense. If he seems certain about not reciprocating my feelings, great. I'll just look out for him like a close friend and coach him with his SPM syllabus. If he is interested in me and has been expecting me to make the first move, what do I do then?

Can I get some perspectives?
*
I guess you are gay (not saying in an offensive way) but did he confirm he is gay too? You probably asked "If he was single" and he said "Yes". You assumed that he is not interested in a relationship but he can be interested but not into guys AND the right girl hasn't come yet.

As for the age gap, when in doubt, use the age/2 + 7 years to determine

ymc2303
post Jun 21 2019, 04:20 AM

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if he is underage but both of you and him 'swing that way', by all means pop it after he graduates.. take it as a fling.. he might see it that he is still young and if he screw up his life, he still got time to redo. but as for you, if you see him as someone to settle down for companionship, am not sure to eat a greener grass at this stage.


TSMerryGoRound^2
post Jun 21 2019, 11:30 AM

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QUOTE(Yggdrasil @ Jun 21 2019, 01:17 AM)
I guess you are gay (not saying in an offensive way) but did he confirm he is gay too? You probably asked "If he was single" and he said "Yes". You assumed that he is not interested in a relationship but he can be interested but not into guys AND the right girl hasn't come yet.

As for the age gap, when in doubt, use the age/2 + 7 years to determine
*
Should I be popping a serious question like "Are you gay or bi?" to a teenager? I'd imagine just simply asking "Do you like someone?" would be indication enough. I honestly don't recall him being interested in girls because he seems to be leaning towards boys, if any, he's not interested in a relationship because he's got SPM and his tournaments to juggle more so than sexuality I'd imagine, which brings me to the point of how he initially mentioned he's not into relationship but is excited to see me.

QUOTE(ymc2303 @ Jun 21 2019, 04:20 AM)
if he is underage but both of you and him 'swing that way', by all means pop it after he graduates.. take it as a fling.. he might see it that he is still young and if he screw up his life, he still got time to redo. but as for you, if you see him as someone to settle down for companionship, am not sure to eat a greener grass at this stage.
*
I did think about my age. Since I've hit the first year of my second half of 20s. I can afford to spend another 2 years dating this kid just to watch him grow, then I'll have to start looking for a partner that is on my level. It's a pity I'm almost a decade ahead of him. I would have pursued him in a heartbeat if I was anywhere between 23-24 instead.
TSMerryGoRound^2
post Jun 21 2019, 11:30 AM

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QUOTE(Yggdrasil @ Jun 21 2019, 01:17 AM)
I guess you are gay (not saying in an offensive way) but did he confirm he is gay too? You probably asked "If he was single" and he said "Yes". You assumed that he is not interested in a relationship but he can be interested but not into guys AND the right girl hasn't come yet.

As for the age gap, when in doubt, use the age/2 + 7 years to determine
*
Should I be popping a serious question like "Are you gay or bi?" to a teenager? I'd imagine just simply asking "Do you like someone?" would be indication enough. I honestly don't recall him being interested in girls because he seems to be leaning towards boys, if any, he's not interested in a relationship because he's got SPM and his tournaments to juggle more so than sexuality I'd imagine, which brings me to the point of how he initially mentioned he's not into relationship but is excited to see me.

QUOTE(ymc2303 @ Jun 21 2019, 04:20 AM)
if he is underage but both of you and him 'swing that way', by all means pop it after he graduates.. take it as a fling.. he might see it that he is still young and if he screw up his life, he still got time to redo. but as for you, if you see him as someone to settle down for companionship, am not sure to eat a greener grass at this stage.
*
I did think about my age. Since I've hit the first year of my second half of 20s. I can afford to spend another 2 years dating this kid just to watch him grow, then I'll have to start looking for a partner that is on my level. It's a pity I'm almost a decade ahead of him. I would have pursued him in a heartbeat if I was anywhere between 23-24 instead.
kohchuup
post Jun 22 2019, 09:05 AM

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i m pretty sure u r having infatuation more than love towards him but infatuation sometimes can lead to love maybe..... u enjoy his company and he enjoyed the free desserts and your help on his study.

just treat him as ur little brother, time goes by u will know whether its infatuation or love...
murphyckf
post Jun 23 2019, 10:14 PM

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QUOTE(MerryGoRound^2 @ Jun 21 2019, 12:55 AM)
Hold up. Point taken but I didn't say anything about being physically attracted to the boy. If any, my feelings are more emotional in nature than physical. And I did mention there's brotherly affections involved though I will say I'm starting to cross over than line a little, and that's totally a problem from my end.

As for loving him, like I said, I am fully aware that even if there is a potential relationship, it will not go on for long. As far as I know, the kid has a bright future ahead of him and I don't intend to hold him back but there are values to be learned if both parties ever formed something. Tbh, I don't see having a relationship being the main issue here but what sort of example will I be leading if there is one and if I haven't answered well enough, I do intend to nurture him and guide him with what knowledge I have of life. Likewise, I intend to impose a no sex rule until he turns 21, but I doubt the relationship will last that long. So I do hope that leaves no rooms for speculation about whether I'm destroying the kid's life or that I'm a bad influence.

I can understand concerns about the age gap or age itself, but I am definitely not above putting myself before a kid's education and want him to succeed too, which is why I'm trying to help him with his SPM.
Viktor answered, though I don't know what's he saying "Really" to.
*
In my field this qualifies the definition as mentoring, and I'm very glad that you take your time to coach and guide this boy. I'm sure this boy is going to benefits from it. Not against you but being a devil advocate here so you can have more views in this matter since you are serious about this.


1. Life coaching is not just focused on career, I assume you already know this. Everything about life and death and everything in between. Including emotional, spiritual and logical.

2. Mentoring is a commitment without asking anything in return. Will you be interest in mentoring him when he chooses someone else as his gf instead of you?


With respect, I do support the part of you that you wanted to coach and guide that kid, we need more people like that today and in the future. Being a mentor myself, I have rules to follow by, men to men and woman to woman. However this is my method and I'm not forcing it onto you, do what you must do.
cfa28
post Jun 24 2019, 12:51 PM

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TS, please don't even consider being the boys mentor when you are saying things like no sex until he is 21

That is not called mentoring but sexual grooming

Imagine a CEO in corporate world saying that their young intern, I am going to mentor her but no sex until I or she leaves the company

Just walk away
TSMerryGoRound^2
post Jun 24 2019, 05:05 PM

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QUOTE(cfa28 @ Jun 24 2019, 12:51 PM)
TS, please don't even consider being the boys mentor when you are saying things like no sex until he is 21

That is not called mentoring but sexual grooming

Imagine a CEO in corporate world saying that their young intern, I am going to mentor her but no sex until I or she leaves the company

Just walk away
*
LMAO. Okay, this has gone far enough and I find a huge amount of the responses here plain dumb.

A couple of users here have offered some pretty insightful opinions and if any, you could offer some constructive opinions too like murphyckf above your post.

Let's be clear about one thing, whether I impose a no sex rule until he turns 21 or not is irrelevant to the relationship. Kid has explored his sexuality way before I even met him and I think that's indication enough of whether I'm being a child groomer or a pedo.

Simple, I respect that he's a minor and thus, refrain from doing anything with him until turns 21 and somehow, some bloke out there still manages to label me as a child groomer. I do something with him, people label me a pedo.

I can understand that an adult dating a teen is commonly frowned upon by the society, not because of the age gap but because of the age they're currently in. I doubt you'd have any troubles with the post if I said I was a 36 years old dating a 26 perhaps.

And this replies the rest of the replies henceforth. I'm totally cool if y'all have differing opinions to share, or perhaps you've once dated someone who was in their teens and they're now your spouse or what not. By all means, feel free to share your experience.

Having said that, if some of you like, holier than thou good sir here cfa28 comes in here to offer a simple response like "Just walk away", coupled with some unnecessarily mean remarks like child groomer where there are no apparent indication or evidence of said phenomenon happening, please refrain from saying anything. At best, it sounds like some of you are nitpicking and attempting to create unnecessary drama. I started the thread asking for perspectives on the dynamics of the relationship, not whether I should continue said relationship or not. I am well aware of the limitations imposed and do not need people telling me to give it up or fight for it. As mentioned many times, if I find myself holding the kid back, I'll reel myself back in and keep my distance but until then, I'm only asking for perspectives on the dynamic.

Above all, specifically to you cfa28, please educate yourself on what a child groomer does. Some examples of a child groomer are included but not limited to:

Taking interest in someone's child (having a "special" friend)
Giving gifts or money to the child for no obvious reason
Showing pornography to the child - this is illegal in many countries
Talking about sexual topics that are not age-appropriate
Invading the child's privacy (e.g. walking in on him/her in the bathroom)
Hugging, kissing, or other physical contact if the child does not want this attention
Allowing the child to get away with behavior that is not right.
Talking to the child about problems that would normally be discussed with adults (e.g. marriage problems)

A child groomer is at its name implies, you're grooming a child for something. Does it show that I'm grooming the child for something somewhere? No. Also, your example of a CEO mentoring an intern is flawed. In fact, your example of mentoring as a whole is botched. If a CEO in a corporate company is mentoring an intern who is well above 21, neither you nor I have any say in the matter. If they so happen to form a sexual relationship outside of work, it is none of our concern because the girl is a full-fledged adult capable of making of her decisions and suffering the consequences of it thereafter. As a matter of fact, section 375 under the Malaysian Penal Code states that it is only considered an act of child grooming if the victim is below the age of 14. And to take it one step further all you ignorant fools out there, the age of consent for any form of intimacy, sexual or romantic is 16 which means, me not doing until he turns 21 is an act of respect and not an act of grooming.

For those of you who are ignorant, I bet my life that neither of you are going to read up on the basic laws of sexual consent and child grooming and proceed to tl;dr me.

Either ways, your poor knowledge of the law is a reflection of your ignorance and I seriously hope the subsequent replies after this would at least have some founded basis to em. Remember, do not be an asswipe like cfa28.
cfa28
post Jun 24 2019, 05:53 PM

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Yes, if you are 36 and he is 26 there is no issue but he is not.

Even if you were a straight man and the person in question is a girl, it is still an inappropriate relationship.

You don't see anything wrong or inappropriate with 26 year old man spending a lot of time with a 16 year old girl.

pillage2001
post Jun 25 2019, 11:02 AM

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Ts, just a hypothetical question. You have mentioned a few times that you will not hold the kid back and you will walk away when you need to in the future......... Why can't you walk away now before things go way too deep?

reason being cause I have seen my fair share of people saying that they will stop when certain scenarios happen but when it does happen, they are too attached and walking the other direction is akin to killing them.

So, while it's good that you're able to articulate the situation and potentially what might be in the future. At the same time, we also do know that the heart and brain doesn't agree with each other when it comes to this 99% of the time and before you know it, we'll be too conflicted to the point of not being able to function......
ViktorJ
post Jun 25 2019, 11:20 AM

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QUOTE(pillage2001 @ Jun 25 2019, 11:02 AM)
Ts, just a hypothetical question. You have mentioned a few times that you will not hold the kid back and you will walk away when you need to in the future......... Why can't you walk away now before things go way too deep?

reason being cause I have seen my fair share of people saying that they will stop when certain scenarios happen but when it does happen, they are too attached and walking the other direction is akin to killing them.

So, while it's good that you're able to articulate the situation and potentially what might be in the future. At the same time, we also do know that the heart and brain doesn't agree with each other when it comes to this 99% of the time and before you know it, we'll be too conflicted to the point of not being able to function......
*
Just to play devil's advocate (because in fact I advocate distance from the young man due to his extremely young age, despite his 'legal' status), why should TS walk away now, as his POV is that his presence does not hold the boy back, but in fact supports and encourages him?
pillage2001
post Jun 25 2019, 02:31 PM

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QUOTE(ViktorJ @ Jun 25 2019, 11:20 AM)
Just to play devil's advocate (because in fact I advocate distance from the young man due to his extremely young age, despite his 'legal' status), why should TS walk away now, as his POV is that his presence does not hold the boy back, but in fact supports and encourages him?
*
That wan can answer later. lol. Now we can only hear from TS side so let's get TS's answer then we play advocate.

This post has been edited by pillage2001: Jun 25 2019, 02:32 PM

 

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