I think I have functional depression, I do well in my work, exercise (jogging) at least 30 minutes a day 4 times a week but still feeling suicidal and sad most of the time.
I have barely have any social life and I tried so hard to have one ever since after high school, people seems to avoid me for some reason. I'm like something you want from a store but don't want to buy.
I tried to be a good person and be helpful to people but for some reason people don't want to be associated with me after the help. Like let's say I fixed someone bicycle, in social media they will mentioned a "friend" helped them and refused to mentioned my name. Once I accompany someone to bank since no parking I wait in car if need to move the car, someone in a WhatApps group asked who accompany you to the bank , he replied a "friend" and don't want to mention my name. Idk their actual reason buy maybe I am "different" ? I don't play DOTA, watch GOT, listen to K-pop, everyone from my race plays basketball while I play football, I don't watch porn, I dont like bubble tea...so I am like the one within my peers who have completely different interest with everyone else.
I used to drink and smoke to release stress but it hurt my wallet and health, so I tried other thing to cope, which is crying. Sometimes I cannot tahan and cried in public and people begin to avoid me and gossip behind me as "mental" or "crazy" while those who drink and smoke to release stress people "pity" and show "compassion" to them.
I also realized if you are "popular" or have social value especially in college, people will stick with them no matter they are right or wrong. For example, I played alot of football during uni time but not really good. So I always get at the end of "The Roulette" by the more popular guys, when they do it, people say they are pro and skillful. When I managed to do it once in a bluemoon againts the "popular" person, they say I am arrogance and want to humiliate the "popular" person.
Got one popular person disliked me because I roulette him twice....I assumed if you get rouletted by a nerd skinny guy twice is humiliating. Everytime if there is an outing with him around, my uni peers will not invite me fearing to "anger" the "popular" guy. This means I rarely able to hangout with them as he is 90% involved. And as stated, they also don't want to be seen as the "friend" of the guy who make the "popular" guy angry...so if they need help they need to do secretly and avoid posting in social media.
Thus, I am alone most of the time and begin to talk to myself, I found a new group to try to make friends. The topic was how to gain confident. One guy said he talked to the mirror to gain confidence, when I said I talk to myself to gain confidence....as usual people think I am a creep and a weirdo and avoid me. It was never in my mind that statement will cause people to feel negative towards me.
Now I am prone to panic attack and anxious when socializing because in my mind, one wrong word or I offend the leader of a group. I am done for.
Any advice ?
Functional Depression, Loneliness