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TSjstan102
post Feb 11 2019, 11:48 PM, updated 6y ago

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This post has been edited by jstan102: Feb 15 2019, 08:02 AM
J1g54w
post Feb 12 2019, 12:39 AM

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Some girls are just not attracted to male friends. It sounds like you got friendzoned and you have developed oneitis.

Just work on yourself, focus on career and also your physical presentation, and not contact her for an extended period of time. Girls want guys who are successful on their own and lead a confident life. It makes guys attractive.
ymc2303
post Feb 12 2019, 01:00 AM

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there are times when you feel you have done 100% to someone then they will sort of repay that kindness with a form of gratitude, as in this case, possibility in starting a relationship, but it doesn't work this way most of the time. whatever that you have done on her or anyone with that degree of kindness, is purely reflects your personality and character. it does feel frustrating and bumped at one point when you have given someone everything you got but doesn't get the repayment you deserve or expected.
but then, sometimes you don't have to DO EVERYTHING for someone to show them how you really feel about them..
koolspyda
post Feb 12 2019, 07:18 AM

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Leave,

She isn’t sure, and she doesnt know how else to break it to you. You are too nice, & some girls will, might say, soft.

You can hang on but you won’t get her. Not if the other chap ditch her (but then you might be her rebound)

Either the reasons above or she thinks you might not be able to ‘provide’ (beside care, you believe you can do well or probably think the bestest, but other guy(s) probably can too; and the other securities women feels better with the other half, which you might not possess)

I could be completely wrong but laying the gist of things

This post has been edited by koolspyda: Feb 12 2019, 08:22 AM
shinjite
post Feb 12 2019, 09:11 AM

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In life, there are times that things just doesn't work out in the way you wanted it to be. Some people will come into your life and stay and some people will come crashing in and then leave. You have all the control within your own boundaries but what you can't control is her, her way of thinking, her life etc

Once you have overcome this ordeal, you can move on with a clearer state of mind.
besthanj
post Feb 12 2019, 09:16 AM

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QUOTE(shinjite @ Feb 12 2019, 09:11 AM)
In life, there are times that things just doesn't work out in the way you wanted it to be. Some people will come into your life and stay and some people will come crashing in and then leave. You have all the control within your own boundaries but what you can't control is her, her way of thinking, her life etc

Once you have overcome this ordeal, you can move on with a clearer state of mind.
*
There^

I was waiting for someone to say this.
Tanyaa
post Feb 12 2019, 09:59 AM

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QUOTE(jstan102 @ Feb 11 2019, 11:48 PM)
SORRY FOR THE LONG POST.
I really want to vent out myself but I don't know who I can go to or trust anymore beside the anonymity of the internet.
So I met this girl, unlike any other girls. She is the most caring, understanding, reliable, trustworthy and hardworking girl I've ever met. At first I didn't really have anything for her, but after having studying and working together and getting to know her more, I started to develop feelings for her. The more I get to know her, the more she is my ideal type.

My friends told me they could see that she might had feelings for me too, but I kept denying, at the same time secretly developing my feelings as everytime they tease us, I feel a little joy inside me. It came to a point where every day I would think of her, everytime I see her I smile. Everytime we talk I get awkward and shy.

I decided to confront my feelings and confessed. I did so in person but it was awkward so I ended up dropping her home and we talked about it through text. She said she was not sure and could not give me an answer. She said it wasn't that she doesn't have feelings or anything (she kept saying it's not that she didn't like me or did, she doesn't know). We were still studying then and she said she wanted to wait until after our finals. So I said I will wait for her.

So we went on as friends. Everyday we would wished each other good morning and good night, we would text every day and we would both talk about our days. We would talk about the future, friends and our family members. She would talk about her family, so much that I feel as if I was part of it too. Every now and then I would do something to surprise her. I would buy her favourite food, gave her help when she needed, taught her in her studies. Once she was having tuition and while waiting she said she was hungry, so I decided to surprise her by buying her food and leaving it by her car (she had no idea) and she was so surprised at that and loved it. Her family knew about me too and she said her mother was very "supportive". Her mum urged her to invite me to her sister's birthday party but she thought it would be awkward and ended up inviting a few of our friends haha. I helped her to pick up the cake, went over early to help prepare and I loved seeing how she interacted with all her family members, regardless nuclear or wider family members. When I went back, she and her mother seemed suprised as they seemed like they wanted me to stay longer (but idk bout it). When she went out with her friends, drinking, I would wait till late at night to make sure she reached home safe. She knew I'm not one who stayed up late but for her I would.

Then came this time. She had had this issue for a few months, where another guy confessed to her and she rejected straight. Things between them became awkward and stale. Everytime he saw her he would give a sour face, which she felt uncomfortable of. She kept blaming herself for it and wondered why he kept doing it to her. They were friends before and she didn't want to lose that friendship. It was my birthday and my friends including her and that guy were present. The entire night he was acting strange around her and that made her even more uncomfortable and sad, until a point where she even cried. However, when I tried to comfort her nothing seems to work. It seems as if whatever I said didn't matter and she still kept blaming herself. It got to a point where I felt like I meant nothing, I can't make her happy. Everytime I get moody, I would talk to her and she would try to comfort me but then she would become moody herself too. I started to feel like she might be happier without me. I started to distance myself and it became slightly sour and she noticed it. We confronted each other and she said it's her problem and it has nothing to do with me. We talked about it and things seem to be solved. We were fine again and were talking like we used to.

Our finals were closing, and we were stressing out. We would study together and with our friends. Two of our friends broke up and dragged some other friends along until a point where things got very sour (complicated story). Basically she said it made her think a lot (but she never said what). I started to feel her slip away. Each and everyday we seem to talk lesser than before, though at that time I didn't think much because our finals were closing in and we had to spend more time to study, so I just pretended as if it was nothing.

But then our finals passed. Things didn't seem to turn better, worse instead. She seemed to be hesitant to talk anymore, she would just send a few words reply, leaving no room to further the conversation. It always felt like she was trying to end the conversation. She would update her social media like snapchat or instagram and wouldn't reply me. So I started to get a feeling that I've became a nuisance to her. So I decided to confront her and asked whether I was being too clingy or pushy.

She said, yeah she knew I kept waiting for her answer, but now she tells me not to wait anymore. She said she didn't want to waste my time anymore, it is better off as friends. She still had no idea what she wanted in life. She didn't what where to go further he studies, she didn't know what her future looked like. At first I was fine with being friends because we had really just been friends all these time. We stopped our daily morning and night wishes, we talked once in a while and I started to regret. I couldn't accept being just friends as I wanted more. To me she was the ONE and I knew it would be near impossible to find someone like her again, so I told her I would continue to wait for her, wait until we have settled down and we can focus on each other. I could tell she was hesitant and kep telling me she's not worth it, she said I can find better and that she's not worth me waitinf for her but I don't care because I don't want anyone else.

We talked for a few days but then she started to ignore me. She would only reply once in the morning then another time at night, as if it was purposely avoiding to talk to me (she stills updates her social media). So I got the message and I stopped trying to talk to her. Now we don't even talk at all anymore and it's almost as if we never knew each other. Seems like she really did cut me off completely now.

Her very good friend (also my friend) told me that she once told her I was her very good friend and that she didn't want to lose me as a friend. She acknowledges and appreciates the things I've done for her. What I don't understand is then why the silence now? If she really did appreciate the friendship, why would she do this? Pretend as if I never once was.

She gave me a gift on my birthday along with a letter, she wrote she hoped that I wouldn't be so nice to her because she is afraid she would get too attached/reliant on me. I asked her what that meant and she said it was nothing, just as what she wrote. I asked if it was her indirectly rejected me but she said no, she said she was actually considering me/a relationship and that time. But I guess what happened after that birthday changed her mind.
I just don't get it. I did all I can, trying not to lose her but I still lost in the end. I blamed myself for everything. Is it because I'm not her type? Because I can't make her happy or satisfied? Or I'm not one of those tall, fair handsome guys with dreamy hair? Or is it because I'm constantly self doubting and asking her whether I've started becoming a nuisance?

I tried moving on but everyday I wake up thinking of her, I would lose sleep thinking of what could've been and days would I go without appetite or mooding thinking about all the wrongs I've done and how things could've gone better had I not cared so much. I always thought girls wanted guys who cared about how they feel and someone who can be emotional, but I guess I was wrong. All the things she used to tell me. When I said sometimes I can get emotional and moody and she told me she would listen to my cries and sorrow and promised she would not get tired of it and I can always vent off if I needed to. But I guess she's tired of me now. There's this one saying she told me, "those who want to leave, no matter how much you beg they would still leave; but those who are meant to be in your life will stay no matter what." This hurts me the most as she is now that person who wants to leave.

Please, I really don't know what to think anymore. I want to move on but I can't seem to do it. She is not that type of person who would take a friendsship/relationship for granted and I know that for sure because she treats all her friends VERY well. That other guy that confessed, she cared a lot about that friendship, but what about ours? It's as if she cared more for him than me. She only does this to me. Why? I don't even know anymore.
*
Most of the time, people say all the right things at the right time. At that time, they've said what we wanted to hear, without us telling or hinting. As a result, we tend to hold on to these words and sometimes end up falling for people who said these words. But, in reality, not everyone practice what they've preached. For example, one point she said she would be a listener to you when needed, but what happened now? Circumstances changed, and so did she! People say all sorts of things, but how consistent they are in doing what they've said is what you should take into consideration.

On your part, you did all you could to make the relationship work. Bear in mind that to make a relationship work, both have to put in the effort. In your case, it's just you trying! Initially she said she wanted time and fair enough you gave her time. She then should have used the time to reflect and think as to whether she wanted to be in a relationship with you or not. She should have answered 'Yes' or 'No'. To begin ignoring you or to act like as if you're a stranger is such a childish act!

"I always thought girls wanted guys who cared about how they feel and someone who can be emotional, but I guess I was wrong"
- You are right, but sadly the girl you fell for changed along the line. Whatever emotional attachment you had meant nothing to her.

Remember that all that you've done for her is exactly what another person would have wanted. Moving on doesn't happen overnight especially in your case where you've put in 100% effort and end up with disappointment. You'll just have to take in one day at a time. Letting go isn't something that'll happen tomorrow, next week, next month or next few months. But, give yourself time to heal and eventually as time pass by, you'll feel better.


brownman90561495
post Feb 12 2019, 07:26 PM

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you will be so relieved when you realize at one point that you have moved on from her. even more that you will know for you to get to that point, it will be a slow journey. but it will be worth it.

it feels awesome to have that "the one", having to always think about her, anticipating what to talk about, or what to do the next time to spend time together, etc. you reach a point where almost every move you do, every thought you think of begin to be of relation to her (it seems exaggerated, but if you felt this, you know what i'm talking about).

then for some reason, she decides to stop talking to you. at least not the same way as before. you worry about what you will be losing - the friendship, the potential romance (or at least what you were wishing for). you think about what you did wrong, where and when you failed. you recall a lot of memories over and over, and if there was a single event that triggered that fallout, you try to justify in your mind even if you think it's not justifiable.

you then even try to stay still and try to wait if she will budge and look for you on her own accord. but she doesn't. you try to check every move you can see on her social media, and try to read in between the lines. but you find nothing.

you lose your shit. quietly (or posting a thread anonymously here in LYN).

people change, even for the most amusing reasons. not all people you meet will have the same mission as yours, and that includes your "the one". now it is up to you if you will walk away from her and how you will walk away from her.

i can very well recall wanting to move on but can't seem to do it. i can very well recall having to endure that same feeling for years, without any solution in sight nor within reach. i used to ask myself how the f was i going to get over this.

then i just felt it. i stopped missing her as much. my thoughts of her didn't really stop, but it stopped being too drowning for me. i stopped wondering if she still thinks about me, if she still cherishes our time together. i stopped wondering if she regrets dropping our friendship and wished she kept in touch. because i chose to walk away even if it seemed i was going nowhere.

so yea, you're probably in that boat now that you seem are going nowhere how much you want to steer clear of her. but just keep doing that. walk away, and do it one day at a time. but of course don't totally close any doors. you probably won't change things you do not control, but you can of course improve your outlook in life. and one day, you can tell yourself that you will be a better man, with or without her.

gambateh ts.

This post has been edited by brownman90561495: Feb 12 2019, 10:51 PM
TSjstan102
post Feb 12 2019, 10:12 PM

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This post has been edited by jstan102: Feb 15 2019, 08:03 AM
TSjstan102
post Feb 12 2019, 10:12 PM

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Thanks guys for the words, I am trying to move on and not think of her. I'm currently focusing on my job and trying hard to ignore all these thoughts. While I'm at work things are fine because the people there are great but once I'm home before bed the thoughts would linger. I do hope I can finally get over it ASAP and be able to sense what you guys have said, that I'll be glad that I got over her. People come and go and that's life, I get it. The only person that will always stick around is ourselves, so we must work on ourselves.

I know it seems ironic I'm saying these, I'm just trying to make myself move on. Time and time I would fall into a depressed state, so if anyone has any advice on how to reduce to prevent such behaviours would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again.
koolspyda
post Feb 13 2019, 06:24 AM

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QUOTE(jstan102 @ Feb 12 2019, 11:12 PM)
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Thanks guys for the words, I am trying to move on and not think of her. I'm currently focusing on my job and trying hard to ignore all these thoughts. While I'm at work things are fine because the people there are great but once I'm home before bed the thoughts would linger. I do hope I can finally get over it ASAP and be able to sense what you guys have said, that I'll be glad that I got over her. People come and go and that's life, I get it. The only person that will always stick around is ourselves, so we must work on ourselves.

I know it seems ironic I'm saying these, I'm just trying to make myself move on. Time and time I would fall into a depressed state, so if anyone has any advice on how to reduce to prevent such behaviours would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again.
*
Everyone’s word of advice for you is valid. Strangely it is as if all who replied has been ‘there’ (situation) before you.

I will offer what lies ahead. Before I met my wife, like you I too been “there”, some girl whom I believe to my core of my bone, was the ONE (well she did that time), she was smart, has that infectious personality that leaves guys wanting to be around her. Another third stick in the mix? Yup, storywise mine was far more deeper & complicated but that’s a story not shared online. We ended up on icy break, even as ‘friends’. It took a while but I moved on but never a day I always wondered

Later I met my gf/wife, she didn’t start off as the ONE, i slowly learned that she had qualities. I found joy and here’s a mate who became my bestie, confidant, lover, have great attachment, communication and on, and on. (Only) I lost my wife thru an tragic accident (she was hit, & passed on) and the only reason why I’m treading here (cc). I had a good life and to me my wife was my soulmate, I loved her very much, her understanding, her sacrifices, what we did in life together will be treasured forever.

But the moral of the story, you too will move on and one day there will be that some one girl that will think hey here’s a dude, a sentimentalist whom I kinda like too, you may or may not fall at first & the pages of romance will be there for you both to fill

There’s always the thought of what if, yeah, yeah what about the ONE I crazily fancied in the past, she didn’t end up with that ‘other’ but in time she too found her mate. She happily married and while we do communicate from time to time, wishing each other pleasantries & wishes. We both don’t need to talk of the past, the past was for whatever memories to each other.

Yes find passion in your work. Some bury deep to cover their pain. Whatever you need to do to overcome. Do crazy things you never thought you would (just dont get arrested) Explore yourself more, teach yourself something each day.

And lastly look up and smile, have laughters and love your life. You might feel like it’s like ‘putting a front’ in the beginning, but you will learn.





On a side note, take a leaf from ariana grande‘s ‘thank u, next’
😛

This post has been edited by koolspyda: Feb 13 2019, 07:55 AM
Pete the great
post Feb 13 2019, 10:04 AM

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There are indications that she may want to study overseas and doesn't want to be in a LDR.

In addition, there are also a lot of indication that the feelings she has for you - is not enough for her to commit. Sorry to say, this is the brutal hard truth. Not enough chemistry.

And her character is the type that doesn't want to hurt someone, the nice to everyone type. She probably doesn't know how to tell you, she is not interested.

The only thing you have to do is to let her go and move on. You have one advantage, you are still young. But anyhows, I know friends who have had break ups at 30 yo, and yet eventually found their love partner and have family much later after that. So the future is always bright. Don't be so caught up with her and make memories of her into your baggage.

There is one thing you don't know. A lot of people have gone through what you have gone through. Yes. I have a friend in his university days, he fell in love with a girl, just like your story. But the girl wasn't interested in him, despite him thinking they have a lot in common which was reading and theology. He was a strong guy but I can see it affected him somewhat. But eventually he found someone he liked and got married.

So for you, being young, please focus on your studies, do well, and then career, only then lots of girls will come. Girls like confident and successful guys.

Also my advise about moving on is...just ignore her and totally blot her out from all your activities. Start to find new friends, see less of FB (you may even create another account and re-invite your friends, just to avoid seeing her status and not offend her by unfriend her). Avoid message her at all cost, if possible delete her contact. If you want you can record her contact on a piece of paper and then lock it in your drawer somewhere. And I know, she will someday message you and ask you how are you. Just be nice and say to her "you are doing ok". Don't be lured into another "she is re-considering my offer", bullshit. Yes that is bullshit playing in your mind. Her psychology probably works differently - she may be kepo or just being nice to maintain that friendship level...so don't be lured back to chasing her, please. Girls are like this one, once they made up their mind, at this level, they won't change their mind (Unless you suddenly become an overnight success like Mark Zuckerberg discovered FB). So keep your honor straight. Girls like guys to be mysterious not be the type that is constantly buckle under pressure, Desperate type and then want her to reconsider your offer. Just be cordial and nice but indirectly tell her, you're moving on, and you want a new set of friends, a new set of environment.

For most guys in their life, there will always be that one girl that got away...they will carry that memory, but hey this girl wasn't meant to be, she wasn't the right fit....and the person god wanted us to be with, he chosen the perfect one for us later on in life.

Life is all about the sweet and the bitter....without the bitter, we won't know the sweet.

This post has been edited by Pete the great: Feb 13 2019, 10:58 AM
Pete the great
post Feb 13 2019, 12:45 PM

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QUOTE(koolspyda @ Feb 13 2019, 06:24 AM)
Everyone’s word of advice for you is valid. Strangely it is as if all who replied has been ‘there’ (situation) before you.

I will offer what lies ahead. Before I met my wife, like you I too been “there”, some girl whom I believe to my core of my bone, was the ONE (well she did that time), she was smart, has that infectious personality that leaves guys wanting to be around her. Another third stick in the mix? Yup, storywise mine was far more deeper & complicated but that’s a story not shared online. We ended up on icy break, even as ‘friends’. It took a while but I moved on but never a day I always wondered

Later I met my gf/wife, she didn’t start off as the ONE, i slowly learned that she had qualities. I found joy and here’s a mate who became my bestie, confidant, lover, have great attachment, communication and on, and on. (Only) I lost my wife thru an tragic accident (she was hit, & passed on) and the only reason why I’m treading here (cc). I had a good life and to me my wife was my soulmate, I loved her very much, her understanding, her sacrifices, what we did in life together will be treasured forever.

But the moral of the story, you too will move on and one day there will be that some one girl that will think hey here’s a dude, a sentimentalist whom I kinda like too, you may or may not fall at first & the pages of romance will be there for you both to fill

There’s always the thought of what if, yeah, yeah what about the ONE I crazily fancied in the past, she didn’t end up with that ‘other’ but in time she too found her mate. She happily married and while we do communicate from time to time, wishing each other pleasantries & wishes. We both don’t need to talk of the past, the past was for whatever memories to each other.

Yes find passion in your work. Some bury deep to cover their pain. Whatever you need to do to overcome. Do crazy things you never thought you would (just dont get arrested) Explore yourself more, teach yourself something each day.

And lastly look up and smile, have laughters and love your life. You might feel like it’s like ‘putting a front’ in the beginning, but you will learn.
On a side note, take a leaf from ariana grande‘s ‘thank u, next’
😛
*
Oh ur story so inspiring

I shed manly tears reading it

Pete the great
post Feb 13 2019, 12:49 PM

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QUOTE(jstan102 @ Feb 12 2019, 10:12 PM)
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That's the thing that I don't understand, why do people change. I know that this is something we have no control over and things just happens. It's not that she wanted to but circumstances leads so. I don't blame her for pretending if I was a stranger because I understand she is very shy and not exactly one who knows how to deal with certain social awkwardness.

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Thanks man, what you said is pretty much what has been on my mind. I keep thinking what went wrong and go through all the things that didn't go well to pinpoint where exactly she started to have a change of mind and this has been haunting me for weeks. I try not to think of it but the thought of it just keep popping up randomly.

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Before I confessed, I sort of asked her, she said she prefers to be with someone who started off as friends so they could understand each other more before deciding whether or not to be together. That's why I did not want to be pushy and agreed to be friends at first, because I could udnerstand that being with someone you don't know is intimidating and it would hurt even more when we realise it wouldn't work out in the end, because I fear it too.
*
She is smart because by being friends first, she can evaluate you from afar without any chains attached.

It was likely a probation period.

Anyways move on


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