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 issue with my mother and i

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TSgundamsp01
post Dec 15 2018, 10:31 AM, updated 6y ago

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Ok, not sure where to ask this, but since it is still considered as a relationship issue
Maybe i ask for everyone's opinion here.

I am 31 this year and my mother is 58. All these while ever since i was little, she had a very simple philosophy for my life.
"to be happy and live the way you want"

Yea, just that. But recently, after she mingled with her long lost school mates bunch, she changed, somewhat.

I always call her every few days since I am in KL and she is in Ipoh, and she comes down to my house every so often (every 2 weeks).
This was the conversation between she and me yesterday which somehow hurts my feeling:

Mum: "You know, i am disappoint with you 3." *I have 2 younger brothers.
Mum: "both of your younger bro also have issues... (which i will not elaborate here), including you"
Me: "why? i never give you problem like those 2, have a job, have a house and car, why you said so?"
Mum: "when i was meeting my friends, they are so proud of their sons and daughters, working in Aus, Sg, all those oversea location, but you 3, give me nothing but worries and nothing to proud of"
Me:"i am looking for job in oversea since you insist on it so much, but i am working as project manager now, salary may not be as much as your friends' children 5 figures, but that is the current market of Malaysia"
Mum: "you just not work hard enough"
Me: "i am working on it now, it depends on luck as well"
Mum: "and then you asked me not to come on 24 Dec because of you want to celebrate with your gf at home. Why? I will not bother you and your gf"
Me:"I only ask you to come some other dates other than 24 Dec, the rest of the time, i never said you can't come"
Mum: "see have son lar, see how a son treats the mother"
Mum: "then there is cny coming soon"
Me: "i give you more this year ok? is 1.5k enough?"
Mum: "What can i say? not enough?"
Me: "..."

That's basically the main point of the conversation.
When she was younger, she vowed not to be like my grandparents who treated her unfairly, my grandparents was prejudice towards her and always bad mouth her infront of my father, my father had big argument with grandparents for this back in the days.

But now she slowly turns into what she didn't want to be. She become very controlling, asking me
"why go out so late with your gf?"
"wah, your gf stays so far, why can't you ask her to stay with you?"
etc...

Which normally i just reply, that was how father treated you last time, why you didn't comment on that?

Anyhow, how to change her mindset now? her friends really intoxicated her, she became more jealous of the others and putting stress on me...
her words yesterday as if i am no better than a charsiew, and i just feel bad of it sad.gif
markchan
post Dec 15 2018, 10:37 AM

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She is old and lonely.
They tend to be emotional like when you are baby. She took good care of u till u r this age.

People grow back to be baby. So it's now your time to take care of them.

How much time left u with them it's countable. So do with what you have.
Yggdrasil
post Dec 15 2018, 10:41 AM

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QUOTE(gundamsp01 @ Dec 15 2018, 10:31 AM)
Ok, not sure where to ask this, but since it is still considered as a relationship issue
Maybe i ask for everyone's opinion here.

I am 31 this year and my mother is 58. All these while ever since i was little, she had a very simple philosophy for my life.
"to be happy and live the way you want"

Yea, just that. But recently, after she mingled with her long lost school mates bunch, she changed, somewhat.

I always call her every few days since I am in KL and she is in Ipoh, and she comes down to my house every so often (every 2 weeks).
This was the conversation between she and me yesterday which somehow hurts my feeling:

Mum: "You know, i am disappoint with you 3." *I have 2 younger brothers.
Mum: "both of your younger bro also have issues... (which i will not elaborate here), including you"
Me: "why? i never give you problem like those 2, have a job, have a house and car, why you said so?"
Mum: "when i was meeting my friends, they are so proud of their sons and daughters, working in Aus, Sg, all those oversea location, but you 3, give me nothing but worries and nothing to proud of"
Me:"i am looking for job in oversea since you insist on it so much, but i am working as project manager now, salary may not be as much as your friends' children 5 figures, but that is the current market of Malaysia"
Mum: "you just not work hard enough"
Me: "i am working on it now, it depends on luck as well"
Mum: "and then you asked me not to come on 24 Dec because of you want to celebrate with your gf at home. Why? I will not bother you and your gf"
Me:"I only ask you to come some other dates other than 24 Dec, the rest of the time, i never said you can't come"
Mum: "see have son lar, see how a son treats the mother"
Mum: "then there is cny coming soon"
Me: "i give you more this year ok? is 1.5k enough?"
Mum: "What can i say? not enough?"
Me: "..."

That's basically the main point of the conversation.
When she was younger, she vowed not to be like my grandparents who treated her unfairly, my grandparents was prejudice towards her and always bad mouth her infront of my father, my father had big argument with grandparents for this back in the days.

But now she slowly turns into what she didn't want to be. She become very controlling, asking me
"why go out so late with your gf?"
"wah, your gf stays so far, why can't you ask her to stay with you?"
etc...

Which normally i just reply, that was how father treated you last time, why you didn't comment on that?

Anyhow, how to change her mindset now? her friends really intoxicated her, she became more jealous of the others and putting stress on me...
her words yesterday as if i am no better than a charsiew, and i just feel bad of it sad.gif
*
No offence but what does your mom know about hard work? Working overseas with 5 digit salary after conversion is nothing. Heck I could work as a garbage collector in UK earning big bucks than a consultant here. Does that mean I'm successful?
markchan
post Dec 15 2018, 10:47 AM

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Do not condemn the mother. You don't see through her eyes. She said u r not successful but deep down inside she just want surprise and people to make her happy. Like children they do not know how to vent their frustration. Grow older then u understand what I am saying
TSgundamsp01
post Dec 15 2018, 10:48 AM

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QUOTE(markchan @ Dec 15 2018, 10:37 AM)
She is old and lonely.
They tend to be emotional like when you are baby. She took good care of u till u r this age.

People grow back to be baby. So it's now your time to take care of them.

How much time left u with them it's countable. So do with what you have.
*
i get in touch with her and dad alot. Only thing is everytime talk to her, is more on complaining on my brothers behavior and career issues.
And then i am pulled into the water.

i would say nowadays, most of the time, 80% of the conversation with her are about her whine on us, and how well off her friends' children are, while we are just nothing but problem.


QUOTE(Yggdrasil @ Dec 15 2018, 10:41 AM)
No offence but what does your mom know about hard work? Working overseas with 5 digit salary after conversion is nothing. Heck I could work as a garbage collector in UK earning big bucks than a consultant here. Does that mean I'm successful?
*
I am doing my best to get a job oversea, but there is no call for me.
Just hate it when she takes me to compare with others.

It is so stressful on me.

TSgundamsp01
post Dec 15 2018, 10:51 AM

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QUOTE(markchan @ Dec 15 2018, 10:47 AM)
Do not condemn the mother. You don't see through her eyes. She said u r not successful but deep down inside she just want surprise and people to make her happy. Like children they do not know how to vent their frustration. Grow older then u understand what I am saying
*
but now the main point is she doesn't have anything to show off to her friends.
Normally when talk about children with her friends, she just keep silent, that is what she told me.

Well, if so, my bros and i definitely are char siew in her eyes

note: my father never whine about this, he just say, live how you want, as long as you are happy, i am happy for you.

This post has been edited by gundamsp01: Dec 15 2018, 10:52 AM
genjo
post Dec 15 2018, 11:19 AM

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QUOTE(gundamsp01 @ Dec 15 2018, 10:51 AM)
but now the main point is she doesn't have anything to show off to her friends.
Normally when talk about children with her friends, she just keep silent, that is what she told me.

Well, if so, my bros and i definitely are char siew in her eyes

note: my father never whine about this, he just say, live how you want, as long as you are happy, i am happy for you.
*
What markchan said is true, sometimes we just need close one eye and let it go.

Not everyone can please us and neither do we.

Appreciate her now or regret later.
Yggdrasil
post Dec 15 2018, 11:55 AM

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QUOTE(markchan @ Dec 15 2018, 10:47 AM)
Do not condemn the mother. You don't see through her eyes. She said u r not successful but deep down inside she just want surprise and people to make her happy. Like children they do not know how to vent their frustration. Grow older then u understand what I am saying
*
Of course each generation should be more successful than the previous. As long as TS is doing better than his parents given the same set of conditions, his mother shouldn't expect more. So what if her friend's childrens are doing better? Intelligence is usually inherited together with the ability of parents to provide good education. Did TS parents have money to send TS overseas to study? If no then they should have kept their mouth shut.
lallanaland
post Dec 15 2018, 12:25 PM

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There's a Chinese saying 人比人比死人 (people compare to people until death) There is always a higher mountain even if you reach higher. As long as the family is comfortable with shelter, food and good health, it is already a blessing.

Also like the others have said, grass is not always greener on the other side. And the kids of your mother's friend might have an advantage that we didn't know. Maybe they have relatives living overseas so even they are not doing well there are guidance and temporary shelter.
Jliew168
post Dec 15 2018, 02:30 PM

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TS ask her to watch this
https://youtu.be/xfnWtMmLtus
ViktorJ
post Dec 15 2018, 03:06 PM

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She cannot lead your life.

Only you can.

Remember the times in high school, when your friends ejek you because you don't drink or smoke, then you started doing it?

It is called peer pressure. Sure, your mom just wants the best for you in this case, not some bad habit. But it is still peer pressure. Remember the times when you felt that your parents could not understand your life in school? Now it is your parents turn who cannot understand your working life.

But as some posters here mentioned: as our parents grow older, they regress. It will come to a point where they will become like a child.

You just need a lot of patience, and lead your life.

Just smile, nod, and agree, grow a thick skin, as the one who has power over your life is no longer your parents, but YOU.

SOS: my parents are in their 70s.
rose cindy
post Dec 15 2018, 03:28 PM

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tahan with it la ur mum old already. if u think the coversation going heat up, just let her win. dont break her heart. just say Ok...
markchan
post Dec 15 2018, 07:16 PM

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TS I know how u felt when I am your age. Just close one eyes. I do burst out in anger. Later in life u know it's not worth it. No matter u think now it seems correct. But trust me talk nice to her. Just try to fulfill her wish. If u fail just remember this u failed trying. That's is a success.

If she whine let her be n still be nice to her. Remember our parent sacrifice their life by just bringing us up. They too have no idea what will happen in their future.

Please we embed this into your mind. They were like us when they are young n like to have fun n to fell in love too. Even now. Just that life is catching up ...
TSgundamsp01
post Dec 15 2018, 08:32 PM

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QUOTE(markchan @ Dec 15 2018, 07:16 PM)
TS I know how u felt when I am your age. Just close one eyes. I do burst out in anger. Later in life u know it's not worth it. No matter u think now it seems correct. But trust me talk nice to her. Just try to fulfill her wish. If u fail just remember this u failed trying. That's is a success.

If she whine let her be n still be nice to her. Remember our parent sacrifice their life by just bringing us up. They too have no idea what will happen in their future.

Please we embed this into your mind. They were like us when they are young n like to have fun n to fell in love too. Even now. Just that life is catching up ...
*
i didn't have argument with her, i just depressed by her words.
ever since i was little, i am not close to anyone, not even family. I just want to avoid confrontation.

her wish is that i go oversea and find more money so that she has something to show to her friends, i am searching for jobs now...but it takes some luck...lots of it.
cc980024
post Dec 15 2018, 11:21 PM

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TS, sharing you a very different mindset of my dad and also my inlaw. And you may let her see things in different angle.

My hubby got a uni (US) offer 2 decades back. Back then, study in US doesn't cost much, furthermore his family can afford it. His mom who always wish him to lead happy life have suddenly forbid him to go. Reason being that she scare her son won't come bk.

Myself, since young wishes to work abroad but my dad say he won't t mind me to even marry a Muslim local (u know how big bet is for a Chinese father) , rather than let me go overseas settle down and risk forgetting my root.

We have many cousins work abroad, some married and settle down. My aunts, uncles, always share with us, particularly my parents how great their children doing. But each time my dad will tell me that he is laughing in his heart. No matter how great they are, they are not around. Where this matter most to him. Children be around, frequently bk hometown to see him.

Tell your mom is not hard to go oversea to work (don't keep saying u trying hard, and let her think u r incapable). Tell her you choose to stay around as they growing old. Tell her you wish to be there when they needed you. Tell her if she keep pressuring you to go, if someday you really left. Don't blame you for not being able to be there for her.

By the way, elderly change of behavior do happen. We used to go bk hometown once a month as promised. But 1 day, my mom in law call up and crying. Blaming my hubby didn't go home see her, as other ppl's son go home more frequent. This really p-ss my hubby off, as he work 5.5days a week. How to go bk frequently? But to my surprised, he scolded his mom and threaten not to go bk if she being ridiculous. It works!
Another incident, my in law always left dirty floors for me to clean up whenever they expecting us home. Due to hubby 5.5workdays, we reach hometown basically very late and we end up do cleaning midnight. And when we realize she did it in purpose as other ppl's daughter in law do cleaning, she want me to do it too. My hubby again tell her if we go bk have to entertain her dirty floors, we won't go bk. As we are tired working and travelling bk home to see her.

Change the way you comm with your mom. Cannot always use "to please her" kind of words. Let her know thou she is mom, u grown up and have your life to bz with. Your decision is based on yourself, not her friends terminology.
PhakFuhZai
post Dec 16 2018, 12:11 AM

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how your mom know if her friends children are really as successful as her friends deemed?

you see, things that you can't verify with your own eyes, can be faked

their parents can proudly say their children are working abroad, but who knows in reality, they are just plucking apples in Australia, or washing dish in South Korea without permit, with the risk at getting detained and deport and bar from entering these countries ever laugh.gif

吹水不用本的

see? sembang kencang no need capital


ymc2303
post Dec 16 2018, 12:16 AM

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you cannot change her mindset but you can keep the contact at minimum to avoid real conflict. call her like you used to, let her visit you like she used to but don't accept her request of living under same roof as you.. one cave cannot have two tigers..

like all the moms out there, nagging and comparing is their hobby.. let them.
lopo90
post Dec 16 2018, 08:34 PM

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QUOTE(rose cindy @ Dec 15 2018, 03:28 PM)
tahan with it la ur mum old already. if u think the coversation going heat up, just let her win. dont break her heart.  just say Ok...
*
My goodness. My mom tends to do this as well like what ts mom did.

Out of the blue, when I'm enjoying the peace and quietness. She'll just bring up something to aggravate me and to stir things up. Especially in the morning when I just want to be left alone. Really Kek hei


mikro
post Dec 16 2018, 09:09 PM

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It not only happen to you.

Just ignore her bah.

She will learn.

rose cindy
post Dec 16 2018, 09:55 PM

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QUOTE(lopo90 @ Dec 16 2018, 08:34 PM)
My goodness. My mom tends to do this as well like what ts mom did.

Out of the blue, when I'm enjoying the peace and quietness. She'll just bring up something to aggravate me and to stir things up. Especially in the morning when I just want to be left alone. Really Kek hei
*
tht is what im going through whenver i bck home hahahahha.. i normally kasi Can la she menang. they are old already dont be so harsh to them

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