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 A problem that I have, Like those in drama series

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TSSotsotzaii
post Oct 1 2018, 06:00 PM, updated 6y ago

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A common problem which I believed at least 5 out of 10 people, male or female would have encountered before. I've been thinking for quite long whether to create this topic but as I see for myself I have no other ways to ask for opinion, hence I'm writing this now.

I'll just try to put this as simple as possible. Girl A has a boyfriend and is in a relationship with her bf, her bf is in singapore working. So here goes.

Girl A and I met and got to know each other for about 3 months now, ever since we got to know each other, we hit it off very well, and I mean really well, due to the many common interest and our thinking and mindset are both totally alike. Sooo as a result, we went out every single day, and as a result of going out everyday, we got really close. Our normal routine is she finish work at 9 pm, and i'll pick her up, then we'll hang out, go for movies, eat a simple meal, etc. Sooo as time goes by, like the saying goes, if you are single, and you interact with the opposite sex ( assuming both of you get along and hit off well ), inevitably you're definitely going to have feelings for the opposite sex, no matter how hard you control and tell yourself not to, at the end of the day, you will still develop feelings. Now before any of you say something like " That girl got bf already u still go in between, etc etc " do take note I did not go in between them, her bf is well aware of my existence and when we go out, she'll tell her bf about it, who she going out with, etc. So right now fast forward to past few days, I told her I like her, and on the first day we met, she told me before if anyone likes her, she will distance herself from that person, because it won't be fair towards her bf, since she is in a relationship, so even if she has feelings for someone, she will treat that feeling as a friend feeling.

So I know she will distance myself after I tell her I like her, and so basically she distanced herself from me right after that, 1 day later, she came texting me saying can we be back friends ? You are a very important part in my life. The better of me said yeah sure. After we became friends ( again ), things aren't the same, we are both cold towards each other, more of she's the one being cold. So well you know ,drama here and there, and I asked her, why are you being so cold ? She ask me the same, before i could answer, she said I really think we could be back friends, and I want to, but I can't bear myself to do it, hence the coldness. She said, it's exactly because I have feelings for you that I have to distance myself, that I have to be cold to you. At this point, it doesn't matter what I say. Fast forward again to just yesterday, she blocked me on wechat, but not on messenger, so I texted her on messenger and said my final words, I said if you want to leave and stuff, or whatever decision you have made, I respect your decision since you have blocked me on wechat. She said something like, you're the one that made it very clear that you want to leave. And bla bla bla, she said Don't worry, from now onwards your business i won't care, and i won't disturb you to harass you anymore. So at this point I'm thinking, what does she mean ? What is she thinking about ?

So hence my purpose of creating this thread is I want to know what can happen after all this ? I mean, if she like / love her bf, she shouldn't / wouldn't have feelings for me, as the saying goes if you are in a relationship and you fall in love with another guy, choose the 2nd one because if you love the first one, you wouldn't fall for the 2nd one to begin with. I know with saying that, I'm being very selfish but I just want to put an end to all these, what should I do ? What does she mean in all those stuff she said to me ? Hopefully I can get some advice here, and please, no trolls.

This post has been edited by Sotsotzaii: Oct 1 2018, 06:02 PM
spectrum17
post Oct 1 2018, 06:10 PM

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Bro, I guess common sense will tell you to spanar or whatever shit.
In real life, I would recommend you to distance yourself and dont get involved in other ppl's relationship. You wouldnt wnat the same shit happen to you in the future right?

Put it this way, human are interactive species, the more we interact, the feeling will be developed and it is very hard to be controlled. That doesnt means she dont love her bf, and love u at the same time, its just wrong timing.

Again, pls do not mess up ppl's relationship.
hanii
post Oct 1 2018, 06:39 PM

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You need to move on. She might have feelings for you but she doesn't want to be with you. She want to stay faithful to her boyfriend.

QUOTE
I mean, if she like / love her bf, she shouldn't / wouldn't have feelings for me, as the saying goes if you are in a relationship and you fall in love with another guy, choose the 2nd one because if you love the first one, you wouldn't fall for the 2nd one to begin with.


First of all, you can't control feelings. You can only control what you do with those feelings. Second, just bcs she fell in love with the second guy, it doesn't mean she have to break up with the first guy and have to be with the second guy. Third, she can choose for herself and she had chosen her boyfriend, not you. And last but not least, she is not yours to begin with.

Move on, Ts. There's plenty other people in this world. If you are meant to be, you will be.
Yggdrasil
post Oct 1 2018, 07:54 PM

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QUOTE(Sotsotzaii @ Oct 1 2018, 06:00 PM)
A common problem which I believed at least 5 out of 10 people, male or female would have encountered before. I've been thinking for quite long whether to create this topic but as I see for myself I have no other ways to ask for opinion, hence I'm writing this now.

I'll just try to put this as simple as possible. Girl A has a boyfriend and is in a relationship with her bf, her bf is in singapore working. So here goes.

Girl A and I met and got to know each other for about 3 months now, ever since we got to know each other, we hit it off very well, and I mean really well, due to the many common interest and our thinking and mindset are both totally alike. Sooo as a result, we went out every single day, and as a result of going out everyday, we got really close. Our normal routine is she finish work at 9 pm, and i'll pick her up, then we'll hang out, go for movies, eat a simple meal, etc. Sooo as time goes by, like the saying goes, if you are single, and you interact with the opposite sex ( assuming both of you get along and hit off well ), inevitably you're definitely going to have feelings for the opposite sex, no matter how hard you control and tell yourself not to, at the end of the day, you will still develop feelings. Now before any of you say something like " That girl got bf already u still go in between, etc etc " do take note I did not go in between them, her bf is well aware of my existence and when we go out, she'll tell her bf about it, who she going out with, etc. So right now fast forward to past few days, I told her I like her, and on the first day we met, she told me before if anyone likes her, she will distance herself from that person, because it won't be fair towards her bf, since she is in a relationship, so even if she has feelings for someone, she will treat that feeling as a friend feeling.

So I know she will distance myself after I tell her I like her, and so basically she distanced herself from me right after that, 1 day later, she came texting me saying can we be back friends ? You are a very important part in my life. The better of me said yeah sure. After we became friends ( again ), things aren't the same, we are both cold towards each other, more of she's the one being cold. So well you know ,drama here and there, and I asked her, why are you being so cold ? She ask me the same, before i could answer, she said I really think we could be back friends, and I want to, but I can't bear myself to do it, hence the coldness. She said, it's exactly because I have feelings for you that I have to distance myself, that I have to be cold to you. At this point, it doesn't matter what I say. Fast forward again to just yesterday, she blocked me on wechat, but not on messenger, so I texted her on messenger and said my final words, I said if you want to leave and stuff, or whatever decision you have made, I respect your decision since you have blocked me on wechat. She said something like, you're the one that made it very clear that you want to leave. And bla bla bla, she said Don't worry, from now onwards your business i won't care, and i won't disturb you to harass you anymore. So at this point I'm thinking, what does she mean ? What is she thinking about ?

So hence my purpose of creating this thread is I want to know what can happen after all this ? I mean, if she like / love her bf, she shouldn't / wouldn't have feelings for me, as the saying goes if you are in a relationship and you fall in love with another guy, choose the 2nd one because if you love the first one, you wouldn't fall for the 2nd one to begin with. I know with saying that, I'm being very selfish but I just want to put an end to all these, what should I do ? What does she mean in all those stuff she said to me ? Hopefully I can get some advice here, and please, no trolls.
*
So simple. You still cannot get over her and now you are 'bargaining'. You keep hoping that she will change her mind.

She doesn't like you period. Her bf in Singapore can probably be a better providee to her after converting his Sing dollars.

Move on. She's just being nice so that you don't go berserk and take revenge or something.
max_cavalera
post Oct 1 2018, 09:17 PM

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Either she have very slight interest but it isnt enough to convince her ur a better deal.

OR she just treat u as her good friend
AbamMobil
post Oct 2 2018, 12:20 AM

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Wow then i am gonna hold my horses
ZuloPhobia
post Oct 2 2018, 06:53 AM

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You need to realize that "Let just be friends" is a REJECTION.

She has obligation to keep her LDR with her bf in Singapore, but LDR does not satisfy her attention needs. That is where you came in to fill that gap willy nilly.

So its a 'WIN' situation for her. She gets to keep BF (probably better prospect than you because she's not willing to let go) and get the proper attention from chumps like you locally.

By right she should not text you back after the first confession and continue being distanced. But somehow she text you back and still want to be friends (aka she realized her life would be boring locally and hope you will continue to shower her with attention with no string attached).

Unfortunately you stupidly enough to agree to that. Then she found out that it is not the same anymore.

What happened next is simple. You had OUTLIVED you benefit/problem ratio. She conclude that by continuing doing this yield minimal benefit (not like it used to) and bring alot of problem (drama). Hence she decide to totally cut you off



You had developed a Oneitis for her. GET YOUR HEAD OUTNOF YOUR ASS AND MOVE ON.

Pardon my harsh word to you. Mind you that my intention is simply to help you and the bitter truth is always hard to swalllow.

This post has been edited by ZuloPhobia: Oct 2 2018, 06:59 AM
tinkerbel
post Oct 2 2018, 08:44 AM

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I'd like to say you asked for it but seeing that you're heart broken and all, I should be nicer to you! It's quite clear that she wants to remain friends with you - she is lacking the attention her LDR bf can't provide. And as someone has already mentioned, she probably decided he was a better prospect than you in the longer term and as such has decided to stay on in the LDR than to be with you.

How old are you two? If she (and you) are mature enough, you two probably can stay friends and it wouldn't come to what it came to. My take, just walk away and move on - after all, it's just 3 months. If you like, you're very much welcomed to be my driver but I get off work mostly at 5PM and not 9PM tongue.gif
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post Oct 2 2018, 09:06 AM

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TS, if she have no problem with her bf and it sounds that you are not really qualify to be her reason to leave her bf. It is better for you to stay away.

She can develop feelings and interest to any guys, since her bf not around. In another word, while her bf not around to be her companion, she need someone to be there for her. But whether she will give up her current bf to invest her time in a new relationship? It depends how deep the relationship between herself and bf.

But I use to have an ex-coursemate, who obviously will not give up bf .. but yet keep giving false hope to other guys. Those guys who tried to woo her are all my friends too. I tried telling them that she have bf and warned them not to waste their time. They are well aware but none of them willing to give up until the girl found another "part-time bf" replacement.

If a girl who really don't want guy to have any misunderstanding. Usually will not get too close with him. Unless it is very clear that both set it as brother-sister relationship. And like your case, every day meeting each other like a norm.. is just like "too use to it". Having to stop it feeliing empty.. but that doesn't mean real love.
tinkerbel
post Oct 2 2018, 09:31 AM

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Question is: Do you really like / want her? Because there are strategies to make her yours tongue.gif
Intrigue
post Oct 2 2018, 10:29 AM

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Let me tell you this... You are the freaking source of breaking a relationship. If you get a machete attack or get gunned down in the process, is it worth it?
Chobits
post Oct 2 2018, 10:46 AM

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QUOTE(ZuloPhobia @ Oct 2 2018, 06:53 AM)
You need to realize that "Let just be friends" is a REJECTION.

She has obligation to keep her LDR with her bf in Singapore, but LDR does not satisfy her attention needs. That is where you came in to fill that gap willy nilly.

So its a 'WIN' situation for her. She gets to keep BF (probably better prospect than you because she's not willing to let go) and get the proper attention from chumps like you locally.

By right she should not text you back after the first confession and continue being distanced. But somehow she text you back and still want to be friends (aka she realized her life would be boring locally and hope you will continue to shower her with attention with no string attached).

Unfortunately you stupidly enough to agree to that. Then she found out that it is not the same anymore.

What happened next is simple. You had OUTLIVED you benefit/problem ratio. She conclude that by continuing doing this yield minimal benefit (not like it used to) and bring alot of problem (drama). Hence she decide to totally cut you off
You had developed a Oneitis for her. GET YOUR HEAD OUTNOF YOUR ASS AND MOVE ON.

Pardon my harsh word to  you. Mind you that my intention is simply to help you and the bitter truth is always hard to swalllow.
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best answer
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TS, she was just using u for entertainment purposes
TSSotsotzaii
post Oct 2 2018, 11:01 AM

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I get that she's just using me for attention and company of another male because her bf is in singapore, no matter how hard she tries to deny that this isn't the case, I knew it was.

Anyway, @tinkerbel I don't want to ruin other people's relationship, because I hate being the guy that I am right now, I hate guys that breaks other people's relationship the most, to the guts. So even if I want her and I really like her, I wouldn't do anything to get her to be back by my side, because like others said, she's not mine to begin with, and no matter how many memories / how close we were during these 3 months, which she admitted she has feelings for me and said it was just wrong timing, and wished I had appeared in her life sooner, still doesn't change the fact that these stuff happened.

As for other replies

I wouldn't say she chose her bf over me due to her bf being able to provide her a better life. But she did told me before, NOT to confess to her when she is in a relationship, because if I do, she will not know what to do. But yeah,I brought these whole situation onto myself, which I deserved it, because i'm the one who couldn't hold it in me and confessed to her, hence this.
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post Oct 2 2018, 11:15 AM

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QUOTE(Sotsotzaii @ Oct 2 2018, 11:01 AM)
I get that she's just using me for attention and company of another male because her bf is in singapore, no matter how hard she tries to deny that this isn't the case, I knew it was.

Anyway, @tinkerbel I don't want to ruin other people's relationship, because I hate being the guy that I am right now, I hate guys that breaks other people's relationship the most, to the guts. So even if I want her and I really like her, I wouldn't do anything to get her to be back by my side, because like others said, she's not mine to begin with, and no matter how many memories / how close we were during these 3 months, which she admitted she has feelings for me and said it was just wrong timing, and wished I had appeared in her life sooner, still doesn't change the fact that these stuff happened.

As for other replies

I wouldn't say she chose her bf over me due to her bf being able to provide her a better life. But she did told me before, NOT to confess to her when she is in a relationship, because if I do, she will not know what to do. But yeah,I brought these whole situation onto myself, which I deserved it, because i'm the one who couldn't hold it in me and confessed to her, hence this.
*
actually right it's a test, if u manage to convince her to leave BF, then u are the winner.
sure a lot of people will say karma, don't steal GFs.
but in reality, a lot of males will just steal GFs and even wives if they really like the girl.
btw, its u and the girl who gonna get married and so on, why listen to others ?
tinkerbel
post Oct 2 2018, 11:16 AM

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QUOTE(Sotsotzaii @ Oct 2 2018, 11:01 AM)
I get that she's just using me for attention and company of another male because her bf is in singapore, no matter how hard she tries to deny that this isn't the case, I knew it was.

Anyway, @tinkerbel I don't want to ruin other people's relationship, because I hate being the guy that I am right now, I hate guys that breaks other people's relationship the most, to the guts. So even if I want her and I really like her, I wouldn't do anything to get her to be back by my side, because like others said, she's not mine to begin with, and no matter how many memories / how close we were during these 3 months, which she admitted she has feelings for me and said it was just wrong timing, and wished I had appeared in her life sooner, still doesn't change the fact that these stuff happened.

As for other replies

I wouldn't say she chose her bf over me due to her bf being able to provide her a better life. But she did told me before, NOT to confess to her when she is in a relationship, because if I do, she will not know what to do. But yeah,I brought these whole situation onto myself, which I deserved it, because i'm the one who couldn't hold it in me and confessed to her, hence this.
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She will never admit she's going out with someone only to past time because she's lonely and wants attention; in fact, few woman would admit it! blink.gif Y should you be hating urself when you didn't do anything wrong? You might have fallen for her and might have had the wrong intentions going out with her in the first place but hey you didn't do anything to break them up, did you? tongue.gif Plus, it's all fair in the name of love tongue.gif But, is this even love?!

I don't know about the feelings she has for you.. sounds totally bullshit to me! I can't decide which side I want to be standing on tongue.gif And well, 3 months is not exactly long but well, move on! At the very least U knew from the beginning that she had a bf and whilst she kinda probably knew she leading you on, she played her cards well making you think that she's already kept you at bay!

There is a reason she chose her bf over you. If she's really into you and she wants you, then you wouldn't be in this situation. Of course the fact that she chose him over you says something. Accept it, move on and so, u wanna come pick me for dinner or not - since U no need to fetch her today. I can knock some sense into you tongue.gif
chiahau
post Oct 2 2018, 11:28 AM

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QUOTE(tinkerbel @ Oct 2 2018, 11:10 AM)
I take faham what you're talking about tongue.gif How are U?
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Or she can find someone like me who makes more than the 3X

In fact, Triple Ex! biggrin.gif
TSSotsotzaii
post Oct 2 2018, 11:29 AM

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QUOTE(tinkerbel @ Oct 2 2018, 11:16 AM)
She will never admit she's going out with someone only to past time because she's lonely and wants attention; in fact, few woman would admit it!  blink.gif  Y should you be hating urself when you didn't do anything wrong? You might have fallen for her and might have had the wrong intentions going out with her in the first place but hey you didn't do anything to break them up, did you? tongue.gif Plus, it's all fair in the name of love tongue.gif But, is this even love?!

I don't know about the feelings she has for you.. sounds totally bullshit to me! I can't decide which side I want to be standing on tongue.gif And well, 3 months is not exactly long but well, move on! At the very least U knew from the beginning that she had a bf and whilst she kinda probably knew she leading you on, she played her cards well making you think that she's already kept you at bay!

There is a reason she chose her bf over you. If she's really into you and she wants you, then you wouldn't be in this situation. Of course the fact that she chose him over you says something. Accept it, move on and so, u wanna come pick me for dinner or not - since U no need to fetch her today. I can knock some sense into you tongue.gif
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Hahahaha, thank you so much for your advice and thoughts on this. It really means a lot to me and crack open a part of my skull, you already knocked some sense into me. I would really like to pick you up from work, but I believe we are 300+ KMs away from each other ? I live in JB , you're from KL I believe ? biggrin.gif
tinkerbel
post Oct 2 2018, 11:39 AM

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QUOTE(Sotsotzaii @ Oct 2 2018, 11:29 AM)
Hahahaha, thank you so much for your advice and thoughts on this. It really means a lot to me and crack open a part of my skull, you already knocked some sense into me. I would really like to pick you up from work, but I believe we are 300+ KMs away from each other ? I live in JB , you're from KL I believe ? biggrin.gif
*
Am glad I knocked some senses into you. I don't know Y u should be feeling like shit - life is such, and life's always serving you lemons so when you get served a very sour and bitter lemon then just deal with it and move on smile.gif You leave JB now, u probably will make it in time to pick me from work wink.gif

Ah so she and you are both based in JB. Her bf's in SG - how difficult is that for the both of them to meet? Geez... it's not like she's in KL and he's based in Singapore but travel around the region so much she can't keep track of his whereabouts #rants chiahau bangwall.gif
TSSotsotzaii
post Oct 2 2018, 11:49 AM

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QUOTE(tinkerbel @ Oct 2 2018, 11:39 AM)
Am glad I knocked some senses into you. I don't know Y u should be feeling like shit - life is such, and life's always serving you lemons so when you get served a very sour and bitter lemon then just deal with it and move on smile.gif You leave JB now, u probably will make it in time to pick me from work wink.gif

Ah so she and you are both based in JB. Her bf's in SG - how difficult is that for the both of them to meet? Geez... it's not like she's in KL and he's based in Singapore but travel around the region so much she can't keep track of his whereabouts #rants chiahau  bangwall.gif
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Hahahaha well, I think by the time I reach KL i'll be lost in that huge city, although there is waze but hell KL is always so jam, especially during peak hours, although everywhere is tolls and highways. Yup both of us are based in JB, well tbh, her BF doesn't really care about her that much, in fact, when she is in needs of financial, a small amount, her bf directly told her she can't lend her money because he needs to lend his sister money, so her BF put her sister first instead of her, which well there is no right or wrong, just that she herself knows her BF doesn't care about her that much. But that's their business between them, I have no right to judge or interfere or say anything hahah.
tinkerbel
post Oct 2 2018, 12:00 PM

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QUOTE(Sotsotzaii @ Oct 2 2018, 11:49 AM)
Hahahaha well, I think by the time I reach KL i'll be lost in that huge city, although there is waze but hell KL is always so jam, especially during peak hours, although everywhere is tolls and highways. Yup both of us are based in JB, well tbh, her BF doesn't really care about her that much, in fact, when she is in needs of financial, a small amount, her bf directly told her she can't lend her money because he needs to lend his sister money, so her BF put her sister first instead of her, which well there is no right or wrong, just that she herself knows her BF doesn't care about her that much. But that's their business between them, I have no right to judge or interfere or say anything hahah.
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If there's a way there's a will so if you really wanted to come down to KL, I'm sure you'll find a way. And well, it's alright, chiahau will pick me tonight, and tomorrow, and day after since you can't tongue.gif I do not know about the relationship she has with the bf and so do not want to judge but if he's ill-treating her and mis-treating her, Y would she still stay with him? Also, what's wrong with a direct bf who tells you he can't lend you the $ because his family needs it - at least he's not bullshitting you and you know that he's not gambling the funds away.

I am old (read: very old) so if my sister tells me she needs some financial help the same time my bf tells me the same thing, I would have to evaluate who needs it more. In most cases, I would probably lend the $ to my sister - except chiahau now manages my finance so he's going to make sure I do not loan anyone $$ tongue.gif Also, because I'm very old, I would be wondering why he's coming to me asking me for funds - why would a grown man like him not have sufficient funds and would need to borrow from his old lady? dry.gif



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