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Advice Wanted Why am I incapable of loving someone long term?

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TSdwin95
post Aug 7 2018, 03:57 AM, updated 6y ago

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Im a male in the mid 20's. I've am in my 3rd serious relationship, while the longest one was my first, being two years where we lived together while studying abroad. My first and second ones were ended abruptly due to long distance, and yet my 3rd one will be LDR real soon too. bangwall.gif

I hate myself but I feel like I always encounter the right people/people that returns mutual interest at the worst of times. All 3 girls that I have dated/am dating are great individuals that loved me back dearly too. But... as of late, I bumped into a girl and crushed because we share so many common interest but I did not proceed as I am already in a relationship. Point being, why do I have strong feelings for such new acquaintances when I clearly know I am in a relationship?

Based on my past experiences also I realized that I like to flirt when I am in a relationship past several months. I know its wrong but I keep justifying to myself that as long I am not out making out someone else, it should be okay, right? Im actually afraid that I am incapable of long term affection and may even jeopardize marriage.

This post has been edited by sweet_pez: Aug 13 2018, 12:08 PM
Chaud
post Aug 7 2018, 11:35 AM

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you're only 23. when you get older, you will understand the importance of being serious

and you should also focus on what you should be doing first, then only think about settling down in a relationship

This post has been edited by Chaud: Aug 7 2018, 11:37 AM
ymc2303
post Aug 7 2018, 02:18 PM

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QUOTE(dwin95 @ Aug 7 2018, 03:57 AM)
Im a male in the mid 20's. I've am in my 3rd serious relationship, while the longest one was my first, being two years where we lived together while studying abroad. My first and second ones were ended abruptly due to long distance, and yet my 3rd one will be LDR real soon too.  bangwall.gif

I hate myself but I feel like I always encounter the right people/people that returns mutual interest at the worst of times. All 3 girls that I have dated/am dating are great individuals that loved me back dearly too. But... as of late, I bumped into a girl and crushed because we share so many common interest but I did not proceed as I am already in a relationship. Point being, why do I have strong feelings for such new acquaintances when I clearly know I am in a relationship?

Based on my past experiences also I realized that I like to flirt when I am in a relationship past several months. I know its wrong but I keep justifying to myself that as long I am not out making out someone else, it should be okay, right? Im actually afraid that I am incapable of long term affection and may even jeopardize marriage.
*
that shows how little commitment you have towards your current gf.
shouldn't have relationship. fwb or fb is more suitable.
actions speaks louder than words.

This post has been edited by sweet_pez: Aug 13 2018, 12:08 PM
iloilo
post Aug 10 2018, 10:10 PM

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im in my mid 20s too, and I failed many relationships n dates before until I found this one guy. Just keep trying, its gonna be sad every breakup or when things just dont work out but youll need those experiences.
Ralna
post Aug 14 2018, 12:26 AM

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TS, you're in your mid-20s, still young and exploring diff. dates/ types of girls to find out who is truly the one for you. It's quite common for younger men to explore until they find the right girl.

From the looks of it, you might wanna consider marrying only in your early 30s. Don't rush into it yeah.
murphyckf
post Aug 14 2018, 12:33 AM

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QUOTE(dwin95 @ Aug 7 2018, 03:57 AM)
Im a male in the mid 20's. I've am in my 3rd serious relationship, while the longest one was my first, being two years where we lived together while studying abroad. My first and second ones were ended abruptly due to long distance, and yet my 3rd one will be LDR real soon too.  bangwall.gif

I hate myself but I feel like I always encounter the right people/people that returns mutual interest at the worst of times. All 3 girls that I have dated/am dating are great individuals that loved me back dearly too. But... as of late, I bumped into a girl and crushed because we share so many common interest but I did not proceed as I am already in a relationship. Point being, why do I have strong feelings for such new acquaintances when I clearly know I am in a relationship?

Based on my past experiences also I realized that I like to flirt when I am in a relationship past several months. I know its wrong but I keep justifying to myself that as long I am not out making out someone else, it should be okay, right? Im actually afraid that I am incapable of long term affection and may even jeopardize marriage.
*
Mid 20s and in your 3rd serious relationship? I think I need to check with you on your definition of serious relationship? Care to elaborate?
SyNtheSizeD
post Aug 14 2018, 10:48 AM

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Can't commit = not serious relationship

So please don't call it a serious relationship, plus you're on early mid 20's, take your time to explore yourself before breaking too many hearts and have no clue if one day u got bashed.
TSdwin95
post Aug 15 2018, 10:49 PM

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QUOTE(murphyckf @ Aug 14 2018, 12:33 AM)
Mid 20s and in your 3rd serious relationship? I think I need to check with you on your definition of serious relationship? Care to elaborate?
*
QUOTE(SyNtheSizeD @ Aug 14 2018, 10:48 AM)
Can't commit = not serious relationship

So please don't call it a serious relationship, plus you're on early mid 20's, take your time to explore yourself before breaking too many hearts and have no clue if one day u got bashed.
*
I've tried to commit. Moving in together living a carefree life. Not seeing anyone else and truthfully loved one another. I'm unsure how else to define a serious relationship other than duration so the shortest one I had was 6 months and the longest being 2.5 years.

Exploring myself is something I do need to do. I hate breaking the hearts of others and myself but.. shit happens.... Eventhough I try not to date or get into anything serious, sometimes things just fall along and somehow.. I learn and know more about an individual and end up with them.. Gosh I have such weak principles when my heart comes into play..
TSdwin95
post Aug 15 2018, 10:54 PM

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QUOTE(Chaud @ Aug 7 2018, 11:35 AM)
you're only 23. when you get older, you will understand the importance of being serious

and you should also focus on what you should be doing first, then only think about settling down in a relationship
*
Thank you for the reassurance. I do want to reach my full potential for my career during my prime time.

QUOTE(ymc2303 @ Aug 7 2018, 02:18 PM)
that shows how little commitment you have towards your current gf.
shouldn't have relationship. fwb or fb is more suitable.
actions speaks louder than words.
*
Action do speak louder than words.. I refrained myself from getting serious with my current GF but somehow the heart led me to her doorstep....


And I don't think I like sleeping with people that I do not have an emotional connection with...

QUOTE(iloilo @ Aug 10 2018, 10:10 PM)
im in my mid 20s too, and I failed many relationships n dates before until I found this one guy. Just keep trying, its gonna be sad every breakup or when things just dont work out but youll need those experiences.
*
Ye.. breakups are a bitch to go through but going through each one is like a semester at the boyfriend academy.

Do you think of your previous relationships even when you've found the "one"?

QUOTE(Ralna @ Aug 14 2018, 12:26 AM)
TS, you're in your mid-20s, still young and exploring diff. dates/ types of girls to find out who is truly the one for you. It's quite common for younger men to explore until they find the right girl.

From the looks of it, you might wanna consider marrying only in your early 30s. Don't rush into it yeah.
*
Thank you for that. I do have a rough idea for the type of girl I'd really be happy with but.. No luck so far.

Another 6-8 years of soulmate search does sound like a decent time frame.. I'll keep that in mind.

This post has been edited by dwin95: Aug 15 2018, 10:55 PM
rthm93
post Aug 16 2018, 12:13 AM

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Tumpang thread jap. Hehe

Am going through this as well.

Well but for starters my gf and i really don't have much or even any common interests at all, even our way of thinking is different. But we have been together for around 3 years+. Kinda surprised how we made it this far. Maybe due to patience from both of us?

Just that, recent, for God know whatever reason, have been interested in another girl though we didn't talk much. I know this is by all means left (not right) and doing my best to not think about it.

Just curious about why is this happening though.

Why are human emotions so complicated la....

Just thinking, should i just become single dog and don't hurt anyone...
rthm93
post Aug 16 2018, 01:05 AM

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QUOTE(GHEY @ Aug 16 2018, 12:34 AM)
No common interest if your 'direction' is aligned with hers ie when to get married is negotiated then it shouldnt be a problem. I've seen many couples with same personality but the ultimate direction is different it will soon cause divorce.

3 years both of u should've talked about marriage. You found yourself surprised because u got too familiar with her after all these struggles what turned out is 'just like this'. Okay, so can I get a better deal than her cause I learned quite alot from these?

How old are u by the way? If you're below 35, I encourage u don't get married first.
*
Regarding the common goal... We always "debated" about that. There was once that we were at the brink of breaking up while planning to buy a house. Though I admit that was mostly due to my selfishness. I would really like to understand more about the direction you mentioned. As I always makes my decision based on her. Example: previously I am the type of person that thinks that we don't actually need to buy a property, but due to her insistence, it changed my mind about that.

I don't think like that at all. Both of us have been together for all this while and I think she is a wonderful partner. That's the reason of dilemma in the first place. If we are really having issues, this would be an easy question to answer.

I'm currently 25. Well my original plan was to get married in 3 or 4 years time from now. But now I'm in doubt. Then the next thing that I'm worry is similar to TS. Well if I'm feeling like this now, will I have such feelings in the next partner, assuming that I moved on from current. Or will there really be a legendary o mighty right one as some has been saying so. And also she is planning to go on a holiday visa trip which is always her dream to do so as well, then it would turn out to be a LDR which is even harder to maintain.

Emotions are such complicated thing to be comprehended. And I finally understood why previously my friends with gf are saying they envy the single men.
TSdwin95
post Aug 16 2018, 02:18 AM

wow i finally get to type here since 2009
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QUOTE(rthm93 @ Aug 16 2018, 01:05 AM)
Regarding the common goal... We always "debated" about that. There was once that we were at the brink of breaking up while planning to buy a house. Though I admit that was mostly due to my selfishness. I would really like to understand more about the direction you mentioned. As I always makes my decision based on her. Example: previously I am the type of person that thinks that we don't actually need to buy a property, but due to her insistence, it changed my mind about that.

I don't think like that at all. Both of us have been together for all this while and I think she is a wonderful partner. That's the reason of dilemma in the first place. If we are really having issues, this would be an easy question to answer.

I'm currently 25. Well my original plan was to get married in 3 or 4 years time from now. But now I'm in doubt. Then the next thing that I'm worry is similar to TS. Well if I'm feeling like this now, will I have such feelings in the next partner, assuming that I moved on from current. Or will there really be a legendary o mighty right one as some has been saying so. And also she is planning to go on a holiday visa trip which is always her dream to do so as well, then it would turn out to be a LDR which is even harder to maintain.

Emotions are such complicated thing to be comprehended. And I finally understood why previously my friends with gf are saying they envy the single men.
*
lmao I share the same dilemma as you. Like I felt like there was not even alot of similarities but me and my current gf got together out of spite. I am learning more about her day by day but sien sia always like that. Then I also bumped into many other females that may share more interests with me like music taste, ideas etc. But sad lo cant do anything cause already in a relationship.

But I think ghey is right that we think our partners are wonderful because of the emotional investment we've fronted. LDR time u will know true struggle liao. Ive been to two and going into my 3rd one lmao. Fking hate myself for letting myself go thru this.



rthm93
post Aug 16 2018, 08:36 AM

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QUOTE(GHEY @ Aug 16 2018, 01:34 AM)
This is very wrong mindset to begin with. You think she's a wonderful partner, because uve invested much mental energy onto her following what she liked where the things may not be what you necessarily like. You need to ask yourself what are your preferences as a man keeping the relationship.

How long will she go? Are u going to use your left & right hand to replace her absence while she went away probably bang some dudes in LDR. Make a wise decision if this isn't your thinking.

Even if you marry at 40 this is not a problem because you're not a woman. You can always find many women, there is no perfect one girl. Only the one you can complement with.
*
I will need to give some thought on this...

Feeling not so lost now after spoken it out here...
rthm93
post Aug 16 2018, 08:41 AM

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QUOTE(dwin95 @ Aug 16 2018, 02:18 AM)
lmao I share the same dilemma as you. Like I felt like there was not even alot of similarities but me and my current gf got together out of spite. I am learning more about her day by day but sien sia always like that. Then I also bumped into many other females that may share more interests with me like music taste, ideas etc. But sad lo cant do anything cause already in a relationship.

But I think ghey is right that we think our partners are wonderful because of the emotional investment we've fronted. LDR time u will know true struggle liao. Ive been to two and going into my 3rd one lmao. Fking hate myself for letting myself go thru this.
*
I do get you frustrations on learning about them... Haha

Will have to see how things turn when LDR then...

So what are your plans?
iloilo
post Aug 19 2018, 05:58 PM

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QUOTE(dwin95 @ Aug 15 2018, 10:54 PM)

Ye.. breakups are a bitch to go through but going through each one is like a semester at the boyfriend academy.

Do you think of your previous relationships even when you've found the "one"?
hmm honestly i dont know if the current one is the one as he doesnt show me stability, instead, i sense that with him i will have more miserable life..well lets see haha
I did think of the prev ones and just skim what i did wrong n just try to get myself not doing it again..
TSdwin95
post Aug 27 2018, 08:27 PM

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QUOTE(iloilo @ Aug 19 2018, 05:58 PM)
hmm honestly i dont know if the current one is the one as he doesnt show me stability, instead, i sense that with him i will have more miserable life..well lets see haha
I did think of the prev ones and just skim what i did wrong n just try to get myself not doing it again..
*
hahaha. yeah i get you while im currently undergoing LDR too. I think its great you can just think about the mistakes of your past, while I sometimes dwell in the good memories I had with my exes..
hotjake
post Sep 1 2018, 09:10 AM

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QUOTE(dwin95 @ Aug 7 2018, 03:57 AM)
Im a male in the mid 20's. I've am in my 3rd serious relationship, while the longest one was my first, being two years where we lived together while studying abroad. My first and second ones were ended abruptly due to long distance, and yet my 3rd one will be LDR real soon too.  bangwall.gif

I hate myself but I feel like I always encounter the right people/people that returns mutual interest at the worst of times. All 3 girls that I have dated/am dating are great individuals that loved me back dearly too. But... as of late, I bumped into a girl and crushed because we share so many common interest but I did not proceed as I am already in a relationship. Point being, why do I have strong feelings for such new acquaintances when I clearly know I am in a relationship?

Based on my past experiences also I realized that I like to flirt when I am in a relationship past several months. I know its wrong but I keep justifying to myself that as long I am not out making out someone else, it should be okay, right? Im actually afraid that I am incapable of long term affection and may even jeopardize marriage.
*
To put it simply, you're capable but NOT willing


 

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