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 Dilemma future w/ bf (Overprotective parents)

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uk15029
post Aug 5 2018, 01:34 PM

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QUOTE(WindofChaos @ Aug 4 2018, 06:39 PM)
That's cool, if u could handle family and work 100% without any complains. But for me, if I'm on outside making money, I don't want distraction like my wife flirting with her male workers or possibly I have been cuckolded. I also want my wife do domestic duties for us. If you ask my mom to help take care of our babies, then what's the point of a marriage/relationship.

What a man values of a woman is very simple.
(a) constant supplies of sex.
(b) domestic duties.
© children.
*
Wow.. I never expect these kind of answer at 2018
Your thinking is so old and wrong

Chaud
post Aug 5 2018, 02:49 PM

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sacrifice your job for a guy? you sure regret one day when he changed after marriage and when you have to start back to zero
wangpr
post Aug 5 2018, 09:32 PM

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It mean he is now not the one you need anymore. Just continue in relationship till future period like another few years. Put marriage topic aside first.
cc980024
post Aug 5 2018, 10:28 PM

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TS, both side need to compromise. As yourself moving to Penang, have already done your part to compromise as you leaving your parents for that. Eventhough your bf sound supportive for you to carry on with your career, make sure you secure a job there before you move to Penang. As I have seen cases where the plan is to get married and settle down first, end up can't find job there and become full time housewife.

I am not against 1 become housewife with the hubby take care of everything. But if this is not the kind of life you want, better make sure your plan will really work.

Frankly speaking, a woman marry to other town without earning power, staying under the "define lifestyle" of in-law, is not something that any women can endure. Every family have their own pattern, and all women marry into the guy family will need to adapt to it. Thats y many ppl prefer not to stay with in-law, at least we can take a breath bk in own house...while comply to in-law rules when dropby their house.

For me, ideal will be getting a place in the same neighbourhood, where the family can dine tgt daily, and the parents still can bbsit grandchild, but night time we get to bring kids bk to own place and nurture. This can create a balance where parents can lend a helping hand, also have son, grandkids surrounding them daily, while both side still can get their freedom. I don't get this luxury as both parents in hometown, but thats my ideal for my son in future.

cempedaklife
post Aug 6 2018, 08:01 AM

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Get your career first girl.

Still studying, not yet work, you'll never know yet whether both of you are align in life.


Blofeld
post Aug 6 2018, 08:21 AM

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Like he said, "family comes first". Let's him have that. Better leave. He prioritise his family over you.

A friend told me about this type of family before.
-Very traditional
-Strict filial piety
-Strict gender role separation (Women are expected to do certain tasks)

For example, on the first day of Chinese New Year, as a daughter-in-law, you will be expected to cook, do all the housechores, clean up the plates while the rest of his family members do nothing.

On the first day of Chinese New Year, you have to be at your husband's family side. You cannot be at your family's side on the first day of Chinese New Year. It goes something like this. I can't remember the rules. That's what I was told.

Don't ever get close to such family unless you like being in a traditional family. This is no longer about comprimising. This is more like family bullying or university ragging.

Then the cycle continues. Next time, you will do it on (bully) your daughter-in-law. I heard this story countless times.

This post has been edited by Blofeld: Aug 6 2018, 08:29 AM
cc980024
post Aug 6 2018, 08:43 AM

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QUOTE(Blofeld @ Aug 6 2018, 08:21 AM)
Like he said, "family comes first". Let's him have that. Better leave. He prioritise his family over you.

A friend told me about this type of family before.
-Very traditional
-Strict filial piety
-Strict gender role separation (Women are expected to do certain tasks)

For example, on the first day of Chinese New Year, as a daughter-in-law, you will be expected to cook, do all the housechores, clean up the plates while the rest of his family members do nothing.

Don't ever get close to such family unless you like being in a traditional family. This is no longer about comprimising. This is more like family bullying or university ragging.

Then the cycle continues. Next time, you will do it on (bully) your daughter-in-law. I heard this story countless times.
*
I quite agree to this. As I see some of my friends stay at hubby side for Day 1 CNY (is fine, as tradition) and by right Day 2 CNY, they should go bk to girl's side of family. But the MIL say her daughter coming bk for dinner (Day2) and told the DIL to delay her trip so that they can have family gathering (with both son & daughter). Which means, they don't even bother that DIL also ppl's daughter, and ppl's parents also longing to see their gal in Day2. At times, don't be too friendly til ppl take you for granted.

During the day of my wedding, my mom reminds me that "If you feel unhappy, come home. This home is forever yours, if you don't feel good there." My mom said this coz during her wedding, my traditional grandma told her "You married ady, if you quarrel with hubby, don't come home. Malu only." She got no backup and when kena bully by my dad, she feel so lone. My mom said, girls who have capability to earn their own living, don't need to live under the control of other ppl. You ctrl your own life. But at the same day, my aunty (out of good manners), she simply told my MIL "teach my niece, if she doesn't know anything yah.. just bear with her weakness". Coz of this sentence, after I got married, I felt my MIL become very unfriendly .. simply anything then tell me that my aunty "pesan" her to teach me! ranting.gif Of coz, after that I confront my aunty telling her what happen. And after that, so happen there is a chance my aunty met my MIL and she change her sentence "my niece working, earning as hard as your son too, if possible don't expect she can do more chores than your son la.. hahahaha".

I have once request my hubby to do CNY eve lunch instead of dinner, since both his siblings are singles (still student) and free to adjust for us. Whereas my family side, I have all my siblings gathered during dinner (which I can't join). But they not willing to give us this convenient, claiming that guy side must eat dinner.. sigh. Then I condition my hubby, if they dun entertain my request, future don't regret. REALLY! 1 day, they come request to change it to Lunch gathering for my SIL convenience.. sorry .. NO WAY.

Always remember, though there are traditional/cultural or whatever rules that may bind us. It still depends if we are willing to follow. For me, if I feel ok, I will do follow as much as possible. But if when I felt threatened or lack of respect (me as a member of this family), sorry.. I do my way. In short, if you want me to put importance to his family, his family must make me feel important too. Don't drag my nose around tongue.gif

This post has been edited by cc980024: Aug 6 2018, 08:44 AM
PrincipaliteY
post Aug 6 2018, 12:37 PM

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Dear TS, your update painted a brighter picture. Since u know your guy better than the rest of us, I'll say this. Depending on how well u know your guy or not, to me, knowing that he's deciding (to prioritize his parents) to u despite knowing it is a difficult decision with risks shows that he is a man clear of his priorities and is mature and dependable in time of difficulties. I am sorry to say that I seems to see the trend that a lot of ladies today forgot the basic concept of Asian family and filial piety. A son has responsibilities to his parents and the wife take the surname of the husband's family for a reason.
Marriage itself is a traditional concept. How can one ditch other traditional concept but to take just that one for their own convenience?

Don't give up on that man u saw deserving first so easily. You know him better than the rest of us despite what people said. This is a time of test for yours and your husband compatibility and character in solving problems in the future. Good luck.
cc980024
post Aug 6 2018, 02:07 PM

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It should be children have their responsibilities towards their own parents, regardless of son or daughter. Reason being generation changed. Traditional family will put priorities to son, where education, fortune, inheritance, etc are all reserved for son, as daughters are deem as to be marry "out".

But in this era, in most family, daughter having equal share of whatever given to son, especially education. Education = foundation to a future. Girls' parents putting extra effort to send their girl to higher learning too, despite the already tough burden to send their son (it shows in family with both genders). In this sense, not only son, daughters are answerable to their own parents too.

It is totally right, if a lady decided to got married, be housewife and 100% rely on the man as sole-breadwinner. But if she is expected to bear some family expenses, she have her fair share of decision making and not blindly follow whatever tradition practice that obviously to shut women out. But of coz, it still go back to the same question, whether TS ok to be a person who bind by bf's family rules or she can choose the way she live as she is capable of it.

As for why women have to carry the surname of her husband. I used to understand why, based on older generation where women have to be fed by their husband. But in this generation, see how many women started to address themselves using "Ms. xxx" instead of " Mrs. xxx"... as no one can explain the reason why must used their husband surname, where themselves already having their own identity in the society.

Not trying to discriminate or what, but when a woman expecting their man to feed them fully, they shouldn't make any complaint and request. Should just be obedient. But if a man expect his wife to do her share of financial contribution, then everything should be balance.. shouldn't bind the women with traditional rules, as the whole scenario already changes, once the woman play a role as 0.5 breadwinner. Of coz this don't apply to TS, as her bf offer to fully take care of her, but on the other hand she have her own ambition, her choice of life.
hades4eve
post Aug 6 2018, 04:57 PM

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QUOTE(H&H @ Aug 4 2018, 03:34 PM)
Me and my boyfriend has been together in a committed 2 years relationship, at the age of graduating from university. I know he's the one for me and we have already been talking about marriage quite often. I'm from KL and he's from Penang. He's from a traditional family, his parents' thinking are very ancient. My family is very open-minded and I have the freedom to do as I wish. In tradition, I know the married daughter is supposed to move to husband's house and stay together with in-laws, that's what my bf parents told. His parents insisted me of moving to Penang after getting married, stay in the same house (don't even allow us to buy house in Penang to move out) find a job there and have kids there. His family house is not big, his sister is there, grandma is there, plus both parents. The problem doesn't stop there, I'm a career-driven person, I'm in oil&gas field and my job is mostly in KL, there's not many opportunity (near to null) in Penang. His dream job is in KL too. But my bf still said "family comes first", he said no matter what his wishes is, he'll fulfill his parents wishes, he's a filial son, but I felt like I have no value that he made his decisions without taking me into consideration. I understand that he wanted to stay in the same house with parents to take care of them, I'm fine with it, and so I proposed that both of us work in KL and bring their retired parents over to KL with us, he said his parents is reluctant to move out, Kay, Plan B.
Plan B is me sacrificing my dream job and move to Penang, but requested that we'll buy our own house (for our new family) near to parents house so he can drop by frequently to visit parents. FYI, the parents are healthy and well, still in their 50s LOL, and they're very controlling and protective, he's not allowed to drive w/o his dad sitting beside (isn't this too much?) But Plan B would be me sacrificing everything to move there and he had to be sole breadwinner with meagre salary and me losing my value of being career-driven. I kept persuading that if all of us move to KL, we would have a better life tgt with in-laws and own family, easier for us to care for kids too in the future. I'm not sure what should I do now. But he persuaded me that if we move to Penang, even if I don't have a job he'll provide (but I don't want to stay at home, I want to work in my field and provide tgt for our new family), he say staying tgt in family house we can save up more money for kids and his mom can do the housechores during weekday and care for kids. We really wanted to walk tgt in the future, but his family is tying him down and not letting him go, it's a waste if we break up just because of his parents.
So we're now in dilemma of finding a solution that will allow him to stay tgt and care for his parents and both of us can strive for our career at the same time.
We've argued so much on this. Please help.

[Update]

Let me clarify, he's not a mummy boy, he is independent and has his own thoughts, but he's the only son so I'll understand on him wanting to care for his parents, since it's not the right thing to abandon the old parents. We're currently deciding that for the time being I'll work in KL and he'll work in Penang, when married then I'll first get a job in Penang then only we'll settle down in Penang, but move out from the small house to bigger house in Penang to accommodate the parents, to at least have our privacy space. Whereas I'll look for my course-related jobs in Penang. He's not expecting me to be a housewife that sit at home for domestic duties/ child, He's supportive of me working for my career, but he just had to take care of his parents that's all. He said his priority before marriage is parents, but after marriage will be spouse and kids come first.
*
I'm not trying to be judgmental here, and sorry if I do.

I see a lot of "me... me... me..." from your post.

I would think both of you need to take one step back and perhaps both of you need to figure out how you both able to scarifies together instead.

I'm in your boyfriend shoe. I know what it takes to move this forward.
vince316
post Aug 6 2018, 05:48 PM

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If you guys get married, most likely ended up staying at his mum's place.
Remember this there cannot be 2 Queens in a house. But its ok to have 2 Kings.
Staying with your parents is ok cause you have been with them since young.
If the mum is controlling now, it will be worse after you guys get married.

Jliew168
post Aug 7 2018, 10:11 AM

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Why say your bf have overprotective parents? Why not blame your bf being a mummy boy?

LightningZERO
post Aug 7 2018, 01:23 PM

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Too early to make any decision. Focus on your career first, maybe give yourself some time limit (1 or 2 years) and then relook at this relationship. You will be mature after your work and by then you will get to decide whether this relationship is worth it

Have a proper discussion with the bf. Set up the expectation and necessary compromises. Get to know the family and know if you can live with that.
hOnGhOnG
post Aug 16 2018, 03:06 PM

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Do not ever sacrifice your work if your man cannot support you a happy life without you working. You will hate it one day. There is nothing wrong for a son or daughter to take care of their parent but that is to an extend. You're talking about his parent but how about your parent and family member? Money makes everything easier in this world, what if your parent fall sick and need you to support their medical fee while you are earning peanuts in Penang compare to O&G in KL? Will you regret? Follow your dream and not some "other" people wishful thinking. His parent will leave this world one day and at the end the one beside you will only be your husband and your children. By that time, who cares about what you've gotten you to? Don't live a life "wanted" by somebody.
cc980024
post Aug 17 2018, 09:31 AM

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QUOTE(hOnGhOnG @ Aug 16 2018, 03:06 PM)
Do not ever sacrifice your work if your man cannot support you a happy life without you working. You will hate it one day. There is nothing wrong for a son or daughter to take care of their parent but that is to an extend. You're talking about his parent but how about your parent and family member? Money makes everything easier in this world, what if your parent fall sick and need you to support their medical fee while you are earning peanuts in Penang compare to O&G in KL? Will you regret? Follow your dream and not some "other" people wishful thinking. His parent will leave this world one day and at the end the one beside you will only be your husband and your children. By that time, who cares about what you've gotten you to? Don't live a life "wanted" by somebody.
*
Well said and totally agree.

Suggest TS to go on LDR with bf for a few years, then only decide. Both maybe able to see how far they can achieve in career. And who knows after few more years, come to a certain maturity, both may see things differently and he may be able to sort it out with his parents... or maybe TS see other potential future in Penang too.

If you ask me, I will wait until he have the courage to reason out with parents and get hold of his own decision making before marry him.
Looking at the current situation, he only can/allow to drive if his parents around? And he know career wise is better in KL than Penang but he have to follow his family's rule. As a woman, my advise is.. if he continue like that, TS will have a hard time being his wife. If TS have heard before, "too filial a son, make no good husband". And if he used to be obedient son, after marry.. anything that he did against his parents' wish. TS will be a bad DIL. Cause a parents who see their son as obedient.. listening to them. They won't believe their son can such decision, any decision he make for sure is being taught by the wife. Trust me. Been through this. Good job done, they credit their son.. bad job done, DIL take the blame.. huhuhu.

This post has been edited by cc980024: Aug 17 2018, 09:34 AM
ReiSan
post Aug 20 2018, 02:14 PM

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TS, your man confirm is mommy boy. I will take gf opinion and discuss in order to have mutual agreement. We agree that when my parent get old, we will bring them in and take care of them. When I become parents, I also hope my childs will take care of me when I cant take care myself. This is win-win situation.

So, TS need think wisely whether is worth or not to spent your time. Discuss with your bf.
colemi
post Aug 20 2018, 02:34 PM

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I always believe the give and take situation but it seems that the guy side is only taking but not giving you back?

the question now is, are the in laws treating you really good? like their own daughter ? if not better think twice of sacrificing yourself for the Man alone but the Man not willing to sacrifice back in return for you. Like i said give and take.

If you have good in parents/in laws then marriage can work out but if not i suggest best to rethink of even getting married and then getting children and ended up divorcing.

This post has been edited by colemi: Aug 20 2018, 02:34 PM
cc980024
post Aug 20 2018, 03:44 PM

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Guess I married a smarter guy. After my 1st meet up with my hubby 's parents (bf that time), he actually asked me how I feel bout his parents. And I say they are nice I think we can be very click to each other. (haha.. still new in relationship.. not really know each other, of coz have to pretend and say words that bf love to hear).
But what he say is "no worry, won't stay with them. Am not stupid to put wife and mother stay under 1 roof". In fact, he give me room to pretend further and I said "why? we should take care of them". But my hubby said "take care of them, who is going to take care of me.. potential to be sandwich". Of coz, we didn't get to stay with them as he choose not to stay in hometown (we both same hometown), and I have to move out of hometown to join him in the city.

This post has been edited by cc980024: Aug 20 2018, 03:46 PM
yahiko
post Aug 20 2018, 04:02 PM

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better avoid marriage for now. Since you guys just starting up working and honeymoon period. Dont so fast tied yourself to marriage and HIS FAMILY.

unless that is ur ultimate gols where to marry him and have children in early age else dont get married until u guys sort it out.

KL and Penang life is different I telling you,, but for family ( children) i do agree penang is better than KL but career wise is different
burn22
post Aug 23 2018, 01:19 AM

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havin conservative in-laws with an open minded person in one house may, and may not create a little chaos of unhappiness when things did not go right. conservative parents will definitely expect you to follow their rules, rather than havin a compromise!!
would prefer you to concentrate of urself, ur career and future first b4 goin further into marriage life. if anything were to happen along the way, you will be safe, and be able to sustain independently!!


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