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 At Wit's End

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TSguiltyconscience
post Apr 16 2018, 10:13 AM, updated 6y ago

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I am married to my wife for 4 years, dated 8 years prior to the proposal. Met her since college and progress ever since. There were ups and downs during but nothing that was too big for us to overcome then and now, I fear that the biggest hurdle has come and it intends to stay, somewhat ruining what we have built.

Roughly 2 years ago, I met someone at my workplace, someone 5 years younger and has a totally different disposition than to my wife, someone sweeter and much more feminine. In short, someone desirable. Yes, right now, she is by definition, a mistress but unlike your conventional mistress, she appears to be your average girlfriend; thrifty, thoughtful and does not fancy luxuries - constantly worried that I may have overspent too much when I am out with her. Basically, the qualities in which you would want to look for in someone if you intend to make a lifelong partner.

We both know that it was wrong for us to be together and we tried ending this forbidden relationship several times over the course of the 2 years and we always get back together (either initiated by her or me); the longest perhaps was a period of 1 month where we both decided "enough is enough" because we are moving nowhere.

I was fine for the first 2 weeks but then "withdrawal" sat in on the 3rd, i drifted into mild depression and my mind was constantly filled with memories of her. I went to see a therapist to seek for a source of strength but it was futile, I was beaten so bad that I need to have her back. I made attempts to contact her but was shunned off coldly by her - she did not want to ruin what I have and she wants me to be strong and figured if she ignored me long enough, I would eventually go away. We both shed a lot of tears paying for the mistakes we have committed.

There is nothing my therapist can do to help me anymore as it all depends on the actions I take from now on - i tried to go back to loving my wife like it was before but I just cannot "reproduce" the same emotions; it appears "forceful".

I know my wife still loves me very much and would do anything to continue doing so and it is because of this that I felt extremely guilty.

It is unfair for me to hold on to my wife to a marriage like this because she deserves better but at the same the time if I were to let the marriage go, it would devastate her.

:sigh:

I am at wit's end.


RisingTide
post Apr 16 2018, 10:24 AM

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Perhaps what you're looking for are the rush and the fresh-type of love from a new relationship.

Have you tried spicing things up, with your wife, eg discovering new things and activities, or at least have the same approach to your wife as how you would've done with your mistress?
TSguiltyconscience
post Apr 16 2018, 10:31 AM

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QUOTE(RisingTide @ Apr 16 2018, 10:24 AM)
Perhaps what you're looking for are the rush and the fresh-type of love from a new relationship.

Have you tried spicing things up, with your wife, eg discovering new things and activities, or at least have the same approach to your wife as how you would've done with your mistress?
*
I have done a lot of readings from articles everywhere and they all point out to the fact that why married men strayed is because they are so bored with the monotonous lifestyle that married life has; adrenaline and excitement were part of the prompt for committing adultery. I tried to rationalize this but I cannot relate because if this is right then the emotions that is running through my mind right now would have died down when I stopped seeing my mistress for that 1 month. This does not seem to be the case.

I took my wife for a 3d2n holiday but it felt awkward; everything appears to be "out-of-place" and is not quite right as thought something is missing in the picture.

I cannot approach my wife as how I did my mistress because both of them simply has different disposition. That would be wrong.
miyakochan89
post Apr 16 2018, 10:35 AM

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Does your wife even know about the existence of your other relationship?

This post has been edited by miyakochan89: Apr 16 2018, 10:36 AM
RisingTide
post Apr 16 2018, 10:41 AM

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QUOTE(guiltyconscience @ Apr 16 2018, 10:31 AM)
I have done a lot of readings from articles everywhere and they all point out to the fact that why married men strayed is because they are so bored with the monotonous lifestyle that married life has; adrenaline and excitement were part of the prompt for committing adultery. I tried to rationalize this but I cannot relate because if this is right then the emotions that is running through my mind right now would have died down when I stopped seeing my mistress for that 1 month. This does not seem to be the case.
*
What you're going through is quite common among married men; have you tried sharing this point of view with your wife, not the adultery/mistress part, but the part about you missing that "feeling" and would like to rekindle your relationship?

QUOTE(guiltyconscience @ Apr 16 2018, 10:31 AM)
I took my wife for a 3d2n holiday but it felt awkward; everything appears to be "out-of-place" and is not quite right as thought something is missing in the picture.

I cannot approach my wife as how I did my mistress because both of them simply has different disposition. That would be wrong.
*
Interesting.. how did you met your wife? what made you want to marry her?
Would you say your mistress and your wife both have the same qualities that you are attracted (physically and emotionally) to?
marcus_bread
post Apr 16 2018, 10:50 AM

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do u have kids? if yes, don think so much, pay all cost to stay with ur wife. that is for the benefit of kids.

If not, then u better make decision quick and act once and for all... for the benefit of both the 2 lady.
TSguiltyconscience
post Apr 16 2018, 11:03 AM

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QUOTE(miyakochan89 @ Apr 16 2018, 10:35 AM)
Does your wife even know about the existence of your other relationship?
*
unfortunately (or fortunately), she doesn't but she suspected something amiss due to my change of behavior which I know I am not very good at in covering up.

I know it is only right for me to disclose it to her but my therapist advised me not to if i am genuine in trying to make the marriage work with a caveat that ONLY if I really want to make it up to her - if I am concealing this fact for other malicious intentions then my therapist told me that i already have my answer.

Despite what my therapist advised me, I have thought of disclosing this extra-marital affair to my wife so that she could thorougly severed what ever that is left between us but the thought of her being devastated ripped me inside out.

sometimes, disclosing everything may be detrimental.

QUOTE(RisingTide @ Apr 16 2018, 10:41 AM)
What you're going through is quite common among married men; have you tried sharing this point of view with your wife, not the adultery/mistress part, but the part about you missing that "feeling" and would like to rekindle your relationship?
Interesting.. how did you met your wife? what made you want to marry her?
Would you say your mistress and your wife both have the same qualities that you are attracted (physically and emotionally) to?
*
Ironically, I couldn't describe or determine the "feeling" that was missing. It like you go to bed the night before and wake up the next morning feeling "this is not right" but you don't know what. The therapist has put me through various tests and even numerous consultations and yet, he too is unable to ascertain what could be the cause.

I met my wife through a classmate of mine and somehow, things just progress naturally from there. She knew what I wanted to do even before I speak my mind, to say the least, there was almost no need for words of explanation when it comes to 2nd guessing of my intentions; vice-versa.

She stuck with me for 8 years, through my worst and best times and I thought to myself, it is time that I gave her the recognition that she deserves. Back then, my thoughts were of that she "is the one" and since I would do anything for her as long as I am able, I must have love her a lot. Those are the few reasons why I decided to propose. I couldn't tell what "love" is because its definition varies between people but back then, I knew what i experienced, was "love" itself.

Both my wife and my mistress are almost completely polar opposites, there is hardly anything that I could draw a parallel line to and they both will meet. Perhaps the only thing that is similar, if i have to make a comparison, is the fact that I know they both love me very much; which is also the main reason why it made me extremely hard to let go of either one.
TSguiltyconscience
post Apr 16 2018, 11:09 AM

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QUOTE(marcus_bread @ Apr 16 2018, 10:50 AM)
do u have kids? if yes, don think so much, pay all cost to stay with ur wife. that is for the benefit of kids.

If not, then u better make decision quick and act once and for all... for the benefit of both the 2 lady.
*
No, we do not have kids yet as we are not ready for a new commitment especially when I am not fully committed to my wife yet.

I knew the urgency of the matter because it has been 2 years already; i sought a therapist which is of no help other than creating self awareness of the dire situation I am in which I already know of.

There is almost no one that I can confide in without judgement which makes matter worst.

I want a resolution and I need it but I do not know how to do it without hurting anyone.
sweet_pez
post Apr 16 2018, 11:52 AM

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QUOTE(guiltyconscience @ Apr 16 2018, 10:13 AM)
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «


:sigh:

I am at wit's end.
*
You mentioned you don't want to hurt your wife, but actually living in this lie, you're hurting her even more subconsciously. And you need to STOP saying you don't want to hurt anyone because that's the voice of a hypocrite. By cheating, you have already hurt everyone in the process, including your wife's family.

Since your love for her had died and being with your wife seemed 'forceful' to you, I suggest you break the news to her and go for a divorce. Please do her a favour and spare her from knowing much later. Spare her from wasting her youth any further. And best of all, spare her from spending further time ON and WITH a trash. Sorry if that hurts your feelings because she's definitely going to go through more pain than this.

Whether you believe or not, there' Karma in life. So be prepared to live in guilt. Be prepared to be shamed by your relatives and her family.
That's the punishment you'll have to live with, and put up with. Your GF will also be labelled as a mistress, a husband snatcher, shameless woman etc.
Get her mentally ready to face this as well.

You chose this path. You can blame your heart, your wife or even your mistress all you want, but don't deny the reality that YOU are the one who took the path and to be blamed for this.

All the best in life.

This post has been edited by sweet_pez: Apr 16 2018, 11:54 AM
Zoros3112
post Apr 16 2018, 12:02 PM

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All I can see is me me me me me..... Selfishness at its best
TSguiltyconscience
post Apr 16 2018, 12:25 PM

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QUOTE(sweet_pez @ Apr 16 2018, 11:52 AM)
You mentioned you don't want to hurt your wife, but actually living in this lie, you're hurting her even more subconsciously. And you need to STOP saying you don't want to hurt anyone because that's the voice of a hypocrite. By cheating, you have already hurt everyone in the process, including your wife's family.

Since your love for her had died and being with your wife seemed 'forceful' to you, I suggest you break the news to her and go for a divorce. Please do her a favour and spare her from knowing much later. Spare her from wasting her youth any further. And best of all, spare her from spending further time ON and WITH a trash. Sorry if that hurts your feelings because she's definitely going to go through more pain than this.

Whether you believe or not, there' Karma in life. So be prepared to live in guilt. Be prepared to be shamed by your relatives and her family.
That's the punishment you'll have to live with, and put up with. Your GF will also be labelled as a mistress, a husband snatcher, shameless woman etc.
Get her mentally ready to face this as well.

You chose this path. You can blame your heart, your wife or even your mistress all you want, but don't deny the reality that YOU are the one who took the path and to be blamed for this.

All the best in life.
*
Thanks for the condemnation. I'm no stranger to it so don't worry about hurting my feelings because right now, I'm not really sure what I should feel and my feelings aren't of priority. If at all it is of any consolation, the damnation made me felt a bit "human". I am not going to blame anyone or anything (including my heart) because if a decision is made, it is made by me conscientiously.

I'm not going to be a hypocrite and deny hurting my wife but rather i am acknowledging the fact that I made a mistake and I want to find a solution to stop hurting her, that is what i'm trying to work towards to. For once, I want to do something right for her rather than for the selfish me.

I am not searching for a balance in all of this but an extreme end to a mean.

Getting a divorce seems to be the easy and only way out of this and trust me, it has crossed my mind numerous times over the years but I just couldn't do it as casually as most people who filed for divorce. To me, a divorce should be quick, cold and brainless but if it becomes strenuous then perhaps it was not meant to be made me; perhaps this is just a "phase" that i am going through and if i hold on to it, it will eventually "blow over".

Just like how the symptoms of mid-life crisis will hit you; it hits you hard but it will go away eventually and you will realize it was all just "a phase". The difference between a mid-life crisis and this is that there is a lot more at stake here.

I believe in something more substantial and not the mystical "karma" ideology so the concept of guilt appeals to me more. I have gave Guilt tonnes of consideration and I understand what would it take for me to be with my mistress after all these ordeal has ended thus I have already made up my mind that I will not continue with this forbidden relationship whether a divorce is in place or not. I am not going to hurt another women (whether mistress or not) after I have hurt my wife.

Actually, I am just here trying to find a "buddy' in which I can confide to of the problems that are currently plaguing me and whether is there anyone who has been through what I am currently in right now so he could give me a better insight of what the hell is going on. The therapist may be good in theory but nothing beats practical.



TSguiltyconscience
post Apr 16 2018, 12:31 PM

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QUOTE(Zoros3112 @ Apr 16 2018, 12:02 PM)
All I can see is me me me me me..... Selfishness at its best
*
It cannot be helped that the thread sounded "me me me me" because it is a thread made by me, telling my side of the stories and most of the questions directed are for me to answer.

I cannot answer on behalf of my wife or the mistress.
lingleeyen
post Apr 16 2018, 01:08 PM

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Tell your wife. Serious. It will help. If she leaves you, you are free. If she decided to stay, work together properly with her.
D10yrspain
post Apr 16 2018, 01:09 PM

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She suspected means you're done. Whether she can upkeep her vow to be responsible and taking care of you through sickness and health till death do you both part , it's all depend on whether she wants to sacrifice for the suspicious she's having or not.

You can keep the secret till the end of times it will not make any difference.
Continue building the beautiful marriage life according to "your dream" which base on lies....just like what the therapist advise given to you.

There aren't much advice for you, truth will surface but not through you anyway which I think is gonna make her even worst than you telling her directly.

All the best.

ListenToTheWind
post Apr 16 2018, 01:26 PM

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This is the reason why I am losing my faith in love (or should I say Humanity as a whole). It's always young women & older guy, older guy and young woman. Most woman always attracted older guy for whatever reason & the older guy always place their dick on top of their brain. From what I see it's just how we're born that way.
Chobits
post Apr 16 2018, 01:42 PM

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QUOTE(guiltyconscience @ Apr 16 2018, 12:25 PM)
Thanks for the condemnation. I'm no stranger to it so don't worry about hurting my feelings because right now, I'm not really sure what I should feel and my feelings aren't of priority. If at all it is of any consolation, the damnation made me felt a bit "human".  I am not going to blame anyone or anything (including my heart) because if a decision is made, it is made by me conscientiously.

I'm not going to be a hypocrite and deny hurting my wife but rather i am acknowledging the fact that I made a mistake and I want to find a solution to stop hurting her, that is what i'm trying to work towards to. For once, I want to do something right for her rather than for the selfish me.

I am not searching for a balance in all of this but an extreme end to a mean.

Getting a divorce seems to be the easy and only way out of this and trust me, it has crossed my mind numerous times over the years but I just couldn't do it as casually as most people who filed for divorce. To me, a divorce should be quick, cold and brainless but if it becomes strenuous then perhaps it was not meant to be made me; perhaps this is just a "phase" that i am going through and if i hold on to it, it will eventually "blow over".

Just like how the symptoms of mid-life crisis will hit you; it hits you hard but it will go away eventually and you will realize it was all just "a phase". The difference between a mid-life crisis and this is that there is a lot more at stake here.

I believe in something more substantial and not the mystical "karma" ideology so the concept of guilt appeals to me more. I have gave Guilt tonnes of consideration and I understand what would it take for me to be with my mistress after all these ordeal has ended thus I have already made up my mind that I will not continue with this forbidden relationship whether a divorce is in place or not. I am not going to hurt another women (whether mistress or not) after I have hurt my wife.

Actually, I am just here trying to find a "buddy' in which I can confide to of the problems that are currently plaguing me and whether is there anyone who has been through what I am currently in right now so he could give me a better insight of what the hell is going on. The therapist may be good in theory but nothing beats practical.
*
first things first, DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE ANYTHING about this. like the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.

if u tell her, u are only hurting her and absolving your guilt to her, so she will get angry and comdemn u which in turns releases u from your guilt slightly.
if u still love her and want your relationship to continue, tell her nothing.

from your story, it seems like u and your wife is getting bored of the routine lifestyle.
i would suggest u to find something to do with her, exciting things to do, treat her like before u guys were married.
think back, what made u like her in the first place ? do those things again.
remember her good points instead of focusing on the mundane her now.

go dating like singles again, get her surprises
build projects at home, maybe a puzzle picture.
get her commitment on these stuff.

but if they do not work, try harder and harder until u can't do it anymore, then u surrender.
also a good point is, u and wife live together, thus all the good and bad things are shown.
u and ur mistress do not live together, the scenario is different, so keep that in mind. she might only show u the good stuff
Mikeshashimi
post Apr 16 2018, 01:52 PM

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Firstly, of course you've hurt your wife, whether she knows it or not, because you've cheated. but there's no point dwelling on what you've done. I'm also pretty sure your wife knows, but if she acts like she doesnt know, and you say nothing, it won't hurt her - at least, it'll just be a "suspicion" rather than confirmation.

Go back to square one. I'm sure you once loved your wife. Go back to that reason, or reasons. There will always be "others" out there. And even if you get a divorce and go with this "new girl", who's to say that the same thing won't happen again 4, 5, 6, maybe 8 years down the road? You can't just keep on succumbing to this "phase", if you want to call it that, and not work on why it's happening.


Ivan113
post Apr 16 2018, 03:10 PM

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Just divorce your wife and be with your new gf, your wife could find a new husband as well, it's a win win for everyone, you just gotta do it.
Dr Jan Itor
post Apr 16 2018, 04:01 PM

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Continue with your marriage. The fling is exciting because it is dangerous, forbidden and taboo. You say that your mistress is everything you want in a woman but how sure are you that what she is showing you isn't a facade? You have a good thing going with your marriage. Don't fuck it up. If you are feeling horny then rub one out
besthanj
post Apr 16 2018, 04:22 PM

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QUOTE(guiltyconscience @ Apr 16 2018, 10:13 AM)
I am married to my wife for 4 years, dated 8 years prior to the proposal. Met her since college and progress ever since. There were ups and downs during but nothing that was too big for us to overcome then and now, I fear that the biggest hurdle has come and it intends to stay, somewhat ruining what we have built.

Roughly 2 years ago, I met someone at my workplace, someone 5 years younger and has a totally different disposition than to my wife, someone sweeter and much more feminine. In short, someone desirable. Yes, right now, she is by definition, a mistress but unlike your conventional mistress, she appears to be your average girlfriend; thrifty, thoughtful and does not fancy luxuries - constantly worried that I may have overspent too much when I am out with her. Basically, the qualities in which you would want to look for in someone if you intend to make a lifelong partner.

We both know that it was wrong for us to be together and we tried ending this forbidden relationship several times over the course of the 2 years and we always get back together (either initiated by her or me); the longest perhaps was a period of 1 month where we both decided "enough is enough" because we are moving nowhere.

I was fine for the first 2 weeks but then "withdrawal" sat in on the 3rd, i drifted into mild depression and my mind was constantly filled with memories of her. I went to see a therapist to seek for a source of strength but it was futile, I was beaten so bad that I need to have her back. I made attempts to contact her but was shunned off coldly by her - she did not want to ruin what I have and she wants me to be strong and figured if she ignored me long enough, I would eventually go away. We both shed a lot of tears paying for the mistakes we have committed.

There is nothing my therapist can do to help me anymore as it all depends on the actions I take from now on -  i tried to go back to loving my wife like it was before but I just cannot "reproduce" the same emotions; it appears "forceful".

I know my wife still loves me very much and would do anything to continue doing so and it is because of this that I felt extremely guilty.

It is unfair for me to hold on to my wife to a marriage like this because she deserves better but at the same the time if I were to let the marriage go, it would devastate her.

:sigh:

I am at wit's end.
*
You will definitely regret if you leave your wife.

Because once it's over, there's no turning back.

And your "mistress" only shows you her good side, remember that.

All the best.

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