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 Money matters, Guy's responsibility?

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hoilok
post Feb 9 2018, 10:17 AM

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eat at cheaper place
kelvin8810
post Feb 9 2018, 10:19 AM

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i got a pretty good suggestion for you, why don't you COMMUNICATE with her on these issue?

i mean she might be used to all these treatments from previous relation so she will not feel it is wrong.

just talk to her, share things that bothers your mind, that's what you seeking in a healthy relation right?
miyakochan89
post Feb 9 2018, 10:26 AM

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QUOTE(kelvin8810 @ Feb 9 2018, 10:19 AM)
i got a pretty good suggestion for you, why don't you COMMUNICATE with her on these issue?

i mean she might be used to all these treatments from previous relation so she will not feel it is wrong.

just talk to her, share things that bothers your mind, that's what you seeking in a healthy relation right?
*
THIS.

Being chivalrous is nice, but this girl does have issue, or the freaking wrong expectation of what a relationship should be!

I know in the past, men take care of the expenses mostly because the wives didn't use to have the opportunities to work. But these days.....oh well, communicate with her and see. But I can say that it's gonna be hard because she is so used to this pattern now.

I am sorry dude, I am a woman myself, and even I could see the huge red flags coming out from her if your story is as it is. sad.gif

This post has been edited by miyakochan89: Feb 9 2018, 10:29 AM
ah_suknat
post Feb 9 2018, 11:03 AM

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QUOTE(EatSleepWork @ Feb 9 2018, 01:55 AM)
Our personalities don't match. She was still studying and I was working. She expects me to text and spend time with her every minute of everyday which I can't do for her.
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And why cant you explain that to her?

If she is understanding enough to foot bills, she is understanding enough to understand the situation.

My gf of 4 years is still studying in uni (we are 10 years old apart) and we are in LDR as well, I too text her whenever I have or not have time, I stop my car by the side just to reply her. We NEVER miss a day without texting each other in this 4 years.

Its take sacrifices to get the girl you want, she wants companionship, which is what every girl needs.its not like she is asking you to be by her side physically 24/7.

You wont find girls that will 100% match your personality, in relationship its about give and take, and love your partner's imperfection.

You gotta think long term, you just need to endure the years till she finished studying, then you can marry her and have a good wife that will take care your finance, versus your current GF that have princess syndrome/self entitlement syndrome that will suck you dry for the rest of your life.

If i were you, i will drop your current gf and find back the previous girl.

This post has been edited by ah_suknat: Feb 9 2018, 11:13 AM
donfutsal
post Feb 9 2018, 11:12 AM

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QUOTE(EatSleepWork @ Feb 9 2018, 09:55 AM)
We're both late 20s. Been together for a couple of months now.

Her family should be upper-middle judging from her house size, location, cars and some other properties I heard her mentioning.
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den jus dump her & move on brader

don't waste your time with her

rclxm9.gif rclxm9.gif rclxm9.gif

sweet_pez
post Feb 9 2018, 12:04 PM

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QUOTE(EatSleepWork @ Feb 8 2018, 05:39 PM)
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «


What are your thoughts on this? Should a guy be responsible for the financial parts of the relationship because it's considered chivalrous?
*
Money is a sensitive issue. It's hard to bring it up, but necessary.

I agree that you shouldn't be the one to foot all the bill, unless she takes you as an ATM machine. It's fair for her to pay occasionally, if it's weird to split the bill. Assuming you paid for dinner, she should be the one to pay for the next meal or the lunch. Or, coffee when you hang out. Don't let this continue to happen so gently bring up the issue in a joking manner, "So when are you buying me lunch?" When she ask you for dinner, casually say, "Your treat this time? How about it?"

As for the holiday, it's even worse. I can't believe she didn't pay for her share. Seriously women, please pay for your own unless your man offers to pay for you.

QUOTE(EatSleepWork @ Feb 8 2018, 05:39 PM)

And recently she's been dropping hints of wanting to go on holiday, which I assume she expects me to foot the bill for as well. I have been avoiding this as I feel it's a little one-sided/she's with me for my money.

*
On this one, if I'm in your shoes I'll say, "Sure! I'll book the flight so how about you get the accommodation? It'll be good to share, I'm a little tight on budget these days. We have overspent in the previous PH." ---> to say "we" because you're paying for both of you.
TSEatSleepWork
post Feb 9 2018, 12:38 PM

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QUOTE(jacckl @ Feb 9 2018, 10:06 AM)
2k in 4 days just on food alone is pretty high in maintenance but since you can afford it so that should not be a problem. the big problem is she only take/leech from you without offering much in return, so the questions is are you able to accept this kind of relationship? i had friends telling me guys should pay for everything (meals, movies, holidays etc) and these female normally do not lacked of suitors that willing to pamper them.

i would suggest using the "i left my wallet in car" test to mildly judge your gf, in the end the decision alone is yours to make
*
Spot on. I can afford all that but it just feels one-sided. In the short term it definitely doesn't bother me. I'm looking more towards the longer term. If she's going to be like this forever then I don't see how the relationship will last, unless I suddenly become a billionaire.

QUOTE(miyakochan89 @ Feb 9 2018, 10:26 AM)
THIS.

Being chivalrous is nice, but this girl does have issue, or the freaking wrong expectation of what a relationship should be!

I know in the past, men take care of the expenses mostly because the wives didn't use to have the opportunities to work. But these days.....oh well, communicate with her and see. But I can say that it's gonna be hard because she is so used to this pattern now.

I am sorry dude, I am a woman myself, and even I could see the huge red flags coming out from her if your story is as it is. sad.gif
*
Yea I see the red flags myself, but I just keep getting drawn in deeper somehow without even realizing it.

QUOTE(sweet_pez @ Feb 9 2018, 12:04 PM)
Money is a sensitive issue. It's hard to bring it up, but necessary.

I agree that you shouldn't be the one to foot all the bill, unless she takes you as an ATM machine. It's fair for her to pay occasionally, if it's weird to split the bill. Assuming you paid for dinner, she should be the one to pay for the next meal or the lunch. Or, coffee when you hang out. Don't let this continue to happen so gently bring up the issue in a joking manner, "So when are you buying me lunch?" When she ask you for dinner, casually say, "Your treat this time? How about it?"

As for the holiday, it's even worse. I can't believe she didn't pay for her share. Seriously women, please pay for your own unless your man offers to pay for you.
On this one, if I'm in your shoes I'll say, "Sure! I'll book the flight so how about you get the accommodation? It'll be good to share, I'm a little tight on budget these days. We have overspent in the previous PH." ---> to say "we" because you're paying for both of you.
*
I've actually tried a couple of things. I tried downplaying how much I earn by saying stuff like:
- "if I earn 3.5k, pay rent 1k, give parents 1k, I'm only left with 1.5k. Hard to save money/survive."
- "look at all the receipts from the past few days! We spent quite alot. Looks like I need to eat bread and maggi for the next few weeks." her response to this was "hehe thanks".
-"need to save money for future and invest now instead of living a luxurious life"
-sometimes when I see her fancy food on insta I'll say: "when are you gonna buy me dinner?" her response "Not I pay one. My dad paid."

None of it seems to work. She'll listen then forget about it. Because I earn more than her, I don't know how to bring up money issues or that she should at least offer to pay without appearing as a cheapo/calculative guy.

I've even told her I dumped girls before because they always pick fancy restaurants and never offered to pay and I don't waste time with gold diggers. She replied "Yea that's too much. I normally will buy a good meal for the guy once in a while in return." Sounds good, but never put into action. Maybe she meant once every 2 years or so.
miyakochan89
post Feb 9 2018, 12:48 PM

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QUOTE(EatSleepWork @ Feb 9 2018, 12:38 PM)
Spot on. I can afford all that but it just feels one-sided. In the short term it definitely doesn't bother me. I'm looking more towards the longer term. If she's going to be like this forever then I don't see how the relationship will last, unless I suddenly become a billionaire.
Yea I see the red flags myself, but I just keep getting drawn in deeper somehow without even realizing it.
I've actually tried a couple of things. I tried downplaying how much I earn by saying stuff like:
- "if I earn 3.5k, pay rent 1k, give parents 1k, I'm only left with 1.5k. Hard to save money/survive."
- "look at all the receipts from the past few days! We spent quite alot. Looks like I need to eat bread and maggi for the next few weeks." her response to this was "hehe thanks".
-"need to save money for future and invest now instead of living a luxurious life"
-sometimes when I see her fancy food on insta I'll say: "when are you gonna buy me dinner?" her response "Not I pay one. My dad paid."

None of it seems to work. She'll listen then forget about it. Because I earn more than her, I don't know how to bring up money issues or that she should at least offer to pay without appearing as a cheapo/calculative guy.

I've even told her I dumped girls before because they always pick fancy restaurants and never offered to pay and I don't waste time with gold diggers. She replied "Yea that's too much. I normally will buy a good meal for the guy once in a while in return." Sounds good, but never put into action. Maybe she meant once every 2 years or so.
*
I think your information is quite sufficient, and you should already know what you have to do. smile.gif

Most relationship doesn't have equal incomes, and I have come across many couples in this day and age where the girl earns more than the guys too, but they work out their finances, maybe not equal but something fair and agreed by both of them. of course, it takes two willing parties to do so. If talking doesn't work anymore, then you really have to consider if the feelings for her really transcends all these money matters. But let's be real, like you said unless you are a billionaire, money does play a part in relationship.

My significant other earns more than me, also because due to our currencies. We work out a way to split expenses, like bigger expenses my SO will agree to take on them cause it's a huge burden for me, but the smaller and random bills, I will pay. Food wise, out of chivalrous, my SO does it in restaurants and etc when we eat out, but all the groceries I would be the one footing the bills. But this is something we communicate and agree upon. So yeap.

This post has been edited by miyakochan89: Feb 9 2018, 12:49 PM
sweet_pez
post Feb 9 2018, 12:48 PM

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QUOTE(EatSleepWork @ Feb 9 2018, 12:38 PM)
I've actually tried a couple of things. I tried downplaying how much I earn by saying stuff like:
- "if I earn 3.5k, pay rent 1k, give parents 1k, I'm only left with 1.5k. Hard to save money/survive."
- "look at all the receipts from the past few days! We spent quite alot. Looks like I need to eat bread and maggi for the next few weeks." her response to this was "hehe thanks".
-"need to save money for future and invest now instead of living a luxurious life"
-sometimes when I see her fancy food on insta I'll say: "when are you gonna buy me dinner?" her response "Not I pay one. My dad paid."

None of it seems to work. She'll listen then forget about it. Because I earn more than her, I don't know how to bring up money issues or that she should at least offer to pay without appearing as a cheapo/calculative guy.

I've even told her I dumped girls before because they always pick fancy restaurants and never offered to pay and I don't waste time with gold diggers. She replied "Yea that's too much. I normally will buy a good meal for the guy once in a while in return." Sounds good, but never put into action. Maybe she meant once every 2 years or so.
*
...then I believe she got the hint, but chose to ignore it. And in fact, how sure are you those fancy dinners she had was really paid by her dad? Not trying to plant a seed of doubt but she seems 'smart' in a way and it's best not to be played by her. There are gold diggers here and there, just be cautious. Money get cheated is one thing, don't get emotionally hurt.

She can keep saying you earn more, but minus all your commitments, your disposable income could be less than hers. Make her see it from that point.

If you want to maintain the relationship - when all else fails, it's definitely "the talk". Meet her one day and ask what is her expectation of a boyfriend:
"Do you expect your boyfriend to pay for all the meals and holidays?"
"Do you see that as something a guy must do...?"
Now, you ask in a nice and gentle manner, not a hostile tone. Don't want her to take it the wrong way. If we give her the benefit of doubt, she is probably the type who expects the guy to pay for everything, including her shopping. If it's a yes to all your questions, then it's either you make her see from your perspective or no choice but to cut it off.

This post has been edited by sweet_pez: Feb 9 2018, 12:49 PM
sohailayhun
post Feb 9 2018, 12:49 PM

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Gal think ts a waterfish..... Lol
xPrototype
post Feb 9 2018, 01:28 PM

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Thanks for the free meals
johnthe692006
post Feb 9 2018, 02:46 PM

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It is quite obvious that tht gal is into your Ability to provide her the meal, gift etc.

Tht exactly what happen to me last time. I met my dream gal which is way out of my league. Buy her dinner, phone, laptop & even pay for our oversea trip.

the moment my bank account number went to 2 digits, I let her know my difficulties & tell her we need to be careful in spending. She just say one word "oh". Few months later not answering my call, avoiding me & eventually we are game over.

the moment you had with her is fake even the way she emotionally attached to you is fake as well.

I am into AKPK thanks to my poor judgement and hope with the gal. Wish you good luck & dump her for your own good.
zeet
post Feb 9 2018, 03:01 PM

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Your case sounds like my ex. She expects me to pay for everything. After few months down the road together i brought this up and she totally flipped. Every arguments also talk about money.
Most of the time her wallet only contains max rm50. Taking money from atm also rm50. Smart eh? So when we eat or shop that time she will tell me money not enough. Use your money 1st.

Most of the time i am the one who needs to fetch her. When i ask can you drive over then she will say i don't want to go out already. I am also her driver to run errands too and her mums errands. When come over can you buy this buy that, tapao this and that.

Eventually she dumped me after 1year+ because argument gets shittier and she got fedup argue same thing over and over again. I tried to save the relationship but she just said i dont need to wait for her already. Eventually she found another guy and married in 1 year, so good luck to that guy.

I'm just glad she dumped me, because I found a better one 2 years later and we've already been together for almost 7years, married for 2years. She is willing to share, understand my capability and also offer to pay and manages finances better than me too.
barista
post Feb 9 2018, 03:07 PM

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Can try this one day.
Tell her you have no car to pick her up, car got towed by the bank. Ask her for help to pay car installment.
I am very sure she will disappear.
gonzalo20
post Feb 9 2018, 03:24 PM

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be frank to her or else dump her.
miromiro
post Feb 9 2018, 03:29 PM

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don't lie, just tell her face to face. with seriously.

This post has been edited by miromiro: Feb 9 2018, 03:30 PM
michlchong
post Feb 9 2018, 04:00 PM

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QUOTE(EatSleepWork @ Feb 9 2018, 12:38 PM)
Spot on. I can afford all that but it just feels one-sided. In the short term it definitely doesn't bother me. I'm looking more towards the longer term. If she's going to be like this forever then I don't see how the relationship will last, unless I suddenly become a billionaire.
Yea I see the red flags myself, but I just keep getting drawn in deeper somehow without even realizing it.
I've actually tried a couple of things. I tried downplaying how much I earn by saying stuff like:
- "if I earn 3.5k, pay rent 1k, give parents 1k, I'm only left with 1.5k. Hard to save money/survive."
- "look at all the receipts from the past few days! We spent quite alot. Looks like I need to eat bread and maggi for the next few weeks." her response to this was "hehe thanks".
-"need to save money for future and invest now instead of living a luxurious life"
-sometimes when I see her fancy food on insta I'll say: "when are you gonna buy me dinner?" her response "Not I pay one. My dad paid."

None of it seems to work. She'll listen then forget about it. Because I earn more than her, I don't know how to bring up money issues or that she should at least offer to pay without appearing as a cheapo/calculative guy.

I've even told her I dumped girls before because they always pick fancy restaurants and never offered to pay and I don't waste time with gold diggers. She replied "Yea that's too much. I normally will buy a good meal for the guy once in a while in return." Sounds good, but never put into action. Maybe she meant once every 2 years or so.
*
Try some of the suggestions provided by the others. If she still doesn't contribute, you really need to have a serious talk with her. If both of you still have different expectations, then it would be better to stop wasting her time and your money.

P/s: To answer your original question, I am female and I believe if both are working, there should be fair monetary contribution to the relationship without taking advantage of each other.

This post has been edited by michlchong: Feb 9 2018, 04:03 PM
xPrototype
post Feb 9 2018, 04:04 PM

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QUOTE(johnthe692006 @ Feb 9 2018, 02:46 PM)
It is quite obvious that tht gal is into your Ability to provide her the meal, gift etc.

Tht exactly what happen to me last time. I met my dream gal which is way out of my league. Buy her dinner, phone, laptop & even pay for our oversea trip.

the moment my bank account number went to 2 digits, I let her know my difficulties & tell her we need to be careful in spending. She just say one word "oh". Few months later not answering my call, avoiding me & eventually we are game over.

the moment you had with her is fake even the way she emotionally attached to you is fake as well.

I am into AKPK thanks to my poor judgement and hope with the gal. Wish you good luck & dump her for your own good.
*
... like this kena AKPK already.. sounds like you used up savings on her
johnthe692006
post Feb 9 2018, 04:26 PM

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QUOTE(xPrototype @ Feb 9 2018, 04:04 PM)
... like this kena AKPK already.. sounds like you used up savings on her
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well, tht happen when you think tht u r going to marry ur dream gal
smileypooh
post Feb 9 2018, 04:35 PM

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QUOTE(EatSleepWork @ Feb 8 2018, 09:07 PM)
That's the thing. Her background is not bad at all. Comes from an educated family, dad is holding some senior management position, mom was a professional, she and her siblings all studied overseas etc.

Sometimes I feel like the poor girls have better mentality. There was this girl I dated before from a not so well to do family (as in they have to watch their expenses daily, cook cheap food at home etc) but she always offered to pay for her own share. I once scolded her for hiding money in my car after I refused to accept her money for a meal.
It's not that I have a problem paying for dates/meals. It's more like it got me wondering if she's in it just because I can afford nice things. Why wouldn't she play a part in chipping in? It's not like I'm expecting 50/50 or anything fancy.

This is one girl I'm serious about after all these years of dating on and off. Which explains my dilemma.
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"I once scolded her for hiding money in my car after I refused to accept her money for a meal."

You missed a good catch bro. Girls like this almost extinct in the planet.

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