I told my very attractive patient that she was pregnant.

"How is that possible?," she asked, "I came in for a minor operation."

"It's a side effect of the anesthetic," I replied.

Things your likely to hear at a Coldplay gig...

"FUUUUUUUCK...quick, get your hands off my tits..."

Women are funny, they quite happily give you food which is a bit expired saying it is ok

But when you try telling them there is nothing wrong with their old clothes.....

I'll never forget what my mother-in-law said to me as she caught me staring into space at my wife's funeral....

"Can you put your telescope away and come and comfort your kids."

For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.

I was working in the bank yesterday when my old teacher who always said I'd never amount to anything came in asking for a loan.

I couldn't resist smiling to myself as he suddenly recognized me. I didn't say anything though, I just rinsed my mop and carried on cleaning the floor.

New definitions...

VPN.

View Porn Now.

My girlfriend just left me because I have a small Penis.....

Ahh well..I wasn't that much into her

"I'm tired of people telling me what I should do," I said to my wife. "I'm just going to tell them to fuck off."

"You should try be nicer and see things from their point of view," she replied.

"Fuck off," I said.

I hate standing in line.

I wish the woman in front of me would hurry up and pick a fucking suspect.

My grandfather used to say,

"Love is the bond that cements everything together. "

Lovey fellow, shit bricklayer.

Cars have too many gadgets these days. I was reversing my car and it started playing a video of someone getting run over by a car.

Given that tickling yourself doesn't work the same as someone else tickling you, we really got lucky with masturbation.

A family’s driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.”

“Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”

An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied.

“Now you have to remove them.”

"Oh dear, " laughed my wife as she opened a letter, "my cunt has cancer, ".

What?!, " I said, "how can you laugh? I didn't even know you'd been for a scan. "

"Oh no, " she answered, "not me, I've opened your test results from the doctor. "

I was walking past Old Trafford this morning and noticed a Season Ticket had been nailed to the gate.

I thought, I'm take that.

You never know when you'll need a nail.

Marriage is like prison but with less sex.

"My friends and family are coming over," I said, "hide all the jewelries and valuables."

"Are they thieves?," asked my wife.

"No," I replied, "They might recognize it."

My son has just come out as gay.

He's a big fan of sucking cock.

I'm telling you he doesn't get that from me and he certainly doesn't get that from his mother.