I had been feeling that I won't be able to be genuinely happy. I wanna be happy. Genuinely laugh, genuinely smile, genuinely feel the warmth. I had always thought "I shouldn't have said that" every time I opened my mouth. I had always thought that no one likes me and everybody hates me. I always ALWAYS made sure people don't get attached to me. When I know a separation is near, I will think that I would just be forgotten and I pushed people away. I said demeaning things to them. I don't mean it and sometimes I do wish they'd know it. I always reject it when a guy asks for my number or asked me out on a date. I just knew that he won't love me. He will forget about me. Am unworthy of love. Am incapable of doing things. Lesser than mediocre. I don't know if this is a depression or just a wave of thoughts. I never get myself checked. I'm scared to know if I am truly depressed. What if I'll never recover from this? What if I'll never find happiness? What if I only found darkness? What if I was unable to see the bright side of things? What if it's true that people hates me? What if it's true that I am just another name to be forgotten? I'm scared that I'll never recover but I'm scared of getting checked. I'm scared that I'll never find happiness but I'm scared of the sadness I'll have to go through for the happiness. I'm scared that I'll only found darkness but I'm scared that I'll find the dark is comforting. I'm scared to be unable to see the bright side but I'm scared that the bright side isn't as bright as it should. I'm scared people hates me but I'm scared if they liked me, I'll have to put up fake smiles all the time. I'm scared to be forgotten but I'm scared of being remembered for something bad I did. I don't think I am worthy of any love or happiness. Not worthy enough to be remembered. At times, I wondered if I am even worthy to be alive.

You need to have more fun..as in that kind of fun rolling on bed

You sound like a pessimistic girl.

If you look up the dictionary, it says Pessimistic is an adjective, means tending to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen.

It is more an attitude towards your own life.

Only if you start changing sleeping habit, appetite, etc for a certain period of time, at this stage I don't think you have any clinical signs of depression (from your description).

Don't worry mate, and be happy.

i believe everyone will have doubts about themselves once in a while so don't worry. ask yourself when was the time you last felt happiest and try to relive those moments. don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to please others. you're a strong, independent woman. for those guys that you rejected, chances are they're going to be a waste of time anyway. focus on bettering yourself everyday and i'm sure everything will fall into place.