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 What to do if you have a gambling dad?, Feeling helpless... advice needed

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TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 12:21 AM, updated 7y ago

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As the title suggest, I have a dad who loves to gamble.

He doesn't gamble everyday but whenever he does, he will go for the whole night and won't come back till the next morning. i.e. He will only come back once he lose all his money. He has a job which earns rm3k per month. My siblings and I are all grown up and are not depending on him. All of us stay in the same house. My mum is a housewife and rely on his financial support. Whenever he lost money, my won't give my mum any money for that month or the next month. So far, there's no sign that he has borrowed from any alongs and I hope he won't go to that extent.

We have tried talking to him. Even his siblings had tried talking to him. There was once, my mum even moved out from our house and stayed with my aunt for some time. But there is nothing that can stop him.

Now, the above might not sound serious to you and you might have heard of even worse story. But his gambling habit is giving me a lot of stress and I feel very sad and disappointed with him. I do not know what else to say to him and I find that even looking at him is painful. N I find that I constantly worry about 2 things, unable to sleep and get it out of my head:

1. I am very worried about my mum. Whenever he go gambling the whole night, my mum would wait up and unable to sleep the whole night. Most of the time, she will cry herself in the room. It's giving her a lot of agony, stress, sadness, disappointment. In short, it's a mental torture to her as well as to me. My mum had depression during her menopause period. I am worried sick about her health. And I hate my dad for doing this to her. Everytime, my dad go gambling, my mum will give him the silent treatment and these usually last for a few months. During these times, it's very stressful to stay at home. But at the same time I do not want to leave my mum at home too much. Therefore, I always feel very stress and sad.

2. While my dad has not borrowed from along, I am worried that he will... in the future. He will probably sell our house for gambling. My dad had already withdrawn all his epf money and according to my mum, he had gambled it all. While we are not considered poor, we are not rich and do not have extra money for him to gamble. He is a quiet person and it's very difficult to talk to him. Whenever we tried talking to him, he will just keep quiet. We ask 10 questions, he will answer 0. Keeping quiet is one of his talent and it's really frustrating.

I guess I have done all I can and I am so tempted to move out. If it's not because of my mum, I would have moved out a long time ago. My siblings were always out and only come home to sleep. They just turn a blind eye to what is happening at home.

I feel so helpless and do not know what else to do. I need some advice and I do not know who I can talk to on this. Please do not tell me to talk to my dad anymore cos I have tried that for many years and it was met with silence from my dad.

Appreciate advice from anyone.....

This post has been edited by bearsfav: Oct 22 2017, 12:23 AM
Juan86
post Oct 22 2017, 12:27 AM

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chinese saying , family matters all different , cant help


killerpigglet
post Oct 22 2017, 12:42 AM

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give him an ultimatum. Either pick between family or gambling lo. Either quit or mom live with u lo
TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 12:50 AM

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QUOTE(killerpigglet @ Oct 22 2017, 12:42 AM)
give him an ultimatum. Either pick between family or gambling lo. Either quit or mom live with u lo
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We have already done that. The last time mum ran away from home, dat's what we did. We called him many times throughout the night. Then we sent him messages and give him that ultimatum. U know what he did? In the end, he switched off his hp. When he came back the next day, he acted as if nothing happened.

This post has been edited by bearsfav: Oct 22 2017, 12:51 AM
kamfoo
post Oct 22 2017, 02:14 AM

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its your father money so he can use it
stormcloud
post Oct 22 2017, 02:26 AM

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This is a tough one. All the options lead to a lose-lose situation.
I'm familiar with the quiet types you described. At least he's not the violent type, these are the worst.

To deal with the quiet types, you usually to leave them alone and let them come out themselves, at least from my own experience. Just keep reminding them without harping too much.
You can attempt to talk and sway them to your reasoning, but at the end of the day, they're highly resistant to suggestions or advice. However, being quiet does not mean he's not listening.
Just hope he listened well.

I see 2 options:

1) Continue to live with him and leave him to his devices. However, you must secure the livelyhood of your mother. This means securing all significant assets under a trust, either one of the siblings or your mother. He must be prevented from accessing the critical assets (be careful about him stealing PIN access etc.). When doing this, make sure he understand the reasoning. If he violently opposes this, then you have no other recourse but to take the second option.

2) Leave him. Don't talk to him. Ignore him. Tell him, once he wakes up and regrets what he has done to the family and he's ready to make amends, he can come back.
Keep the door slightly open. Don't burn the last bridge, he's still your father.

Lastly, don't blame me for anything if things don't work out. Take the above as a guide and with a grain of salt.
There's no way the internet will know the exact details of your problem. I can only generalize. tongue.gif

firefoxian
post Oct 22 2017, 02:34 AM

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Any kind of addiction is very tough to break. Only the addict himself has the power to break the chain that is binding him. You know you can't help him get out of it if he doesn't want to. What you can do is to help your mum and your other family members.
TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 03:09 AM

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QUOTE(kamfoo @ Oct 22 2017, 02:14 AM)
its your father money so he can use it
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I am not opposing to him using his own money. I am more worried bout the mental stress this is causing my mum.
TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 03:13 AM

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QUOTE(stormcloud @ Oct 22 2017, 02:26 AM)
This is a tough one. All the options lead to a lose-lose situation.
I'm familiar with the quiet types you described. At least he's not the violent type, these are the worst.

To deal with the quiet types, you usually to leave them alone and let them come out themselves, at least from my own experience. Just keep reminding them without harping too much.
You can attempt to talk and sway them to your reasoning, but at the end of the day, they're highly resistant to suggestions or advice. However, being quiet does not mean he's not listening.
Just hope he listened well.

I see 2 options:

1) Continue to live with him and leave him to his devices. However, you must secure the livelyhood of your mother. This means securing all significant assets under a trust, either one of the siblings or your mother. He must be prevented from accessing the critical assets (be careful about him stealing PIN access etc.). When doing this, make sure he understand the reasoning. If he violently opposes this, then you have no other recourse but to take the second option.

2) Leave him. Don't talk to him. Ignore him. Tell him, once he wakes up and regrets what he has done to the family and he's ready to make amends, he can come back.
Keep the door slightly open. Don't burn the last bridge, he's still your father.

Lastly, don't blame me for anything if things don't work out. Take the above as a guide and with a grain of salt.
There's no way the internet will know the exact details of your problem. I can only generalize.  tongue.gif
*
Dun worry, I wont blame you for anything. I understand that you are just trying to help and I appreciate that. The reason why I m posting it here is because I want to seek opinions. Cos sometimes, when you think about sumthing too much, there are some blind spots that u have not think about and I hope somebody will point it out to me, if any.

Thanks for your thoughts on this.

This post has been edited by bearsfav: Oct 22 2017, 03:14 AM
TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 03:15 AM

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QUOTE(firefoxian @ Oct 22 2017, 02:34 AM)
Any kind of addiction is very tough to break. Only the addict himself has the power to break the chain that is binding him. You know you can't help him get out of it if he doesn't want to. What you can do is to help your mum and your other family members.
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Thanks.
bengang14
post Oct 22 2017, 06:49 AM

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its an addiction in which your dad needs help.

maybe you can try to speak to him more empathetically he might listen

or you can do the hard way...leave him with your mom. have nothing to do with him...

either way no one wins
TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 11:15 AM

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QUOTE(kari ayam @ Oct 22 2017, 06:16 AM)
u should write down on a piece of paper thing to let him know...then sit down and talk to him(no need for him to answer) thats y i tell u to write it down...,when talk keep it short and fast
give it a month and see any changes...if still no then bring your mum to live with u at other place...if she dun wan then just leave it
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That's a great idea! Wonder y I never thought of that. But I couldn't write Chinese n he can't read English... Lol... Guess I nd to figure it out...
TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 11:17 AM

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QUOTE(bengang14 @ Oct 22 2017, 06:49 AM)
its an addiction in which your dad needs help.

maybe you can try to speak to him more empathetically he might listen

or you can do the hard way...leave him with your mom. have nothing to do with him...

either way no one wins
*
Yup, no matter how I couldn't find a way that I can accept.... As much as I hate him for gambling, I still love him very much.... After all, he's my dad... This love hate feeling is a real torture.
malibuchong
post Oct 22 2017, 01:04 PM

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QUOTE(bearsfav @ Oct 22 2017, 12:21 AM)
As the title suggest, I have a dad who loves to gamble.

He doesn't gamble everyday but whenever he does, he will go for the whole night and won't come back till the next morning. i.e. He will only come back once he lose all his money. He has a job which earns rm3k per month. My siblings and I are all grown up and are not depending on him. All of us stay in the same house. My mum is a housewife and rely on his financial support. Whenever he lost money, my won't give my mum any money for that month or the next month. So far, there's no sign that he has borrowed from any alongs and I hope he won't go to that extent.

We have tried talking to him. Even his siblings had tried talking to him. There was once, my mum even moved out from our house and stayed with my aunt for some time. But there is nothing that can stop him.

Now, the above might not sound serious to you and you might have heard of even worse story. But his gambling habit is giving me a lot of stress and I feel very sad and disappointed with him. I do not know what else to say to him and I find that even looking at him is painful. N I find that I constantly worry about 2 things, unable to sleep and get it out of my head:

1. I am very worried about my mum. Whenever he go gambling the whole night, my mum would wait up and unable to sleep the whole night. Most of the time, she will cry herself in the room. It's giving her a lot of agony, stress, sadness, disappointment. In short, it's a mental torture to her as well as to me. My mum had depression during her menopause period. I am worried sick about her health. And I hate my dad for doing this to her. Everytime, my dad go gambling, my mum will give him the silent treatment and these usually last for a few months. During these times, it's very stressful to stay at home. But at the same time I do not want to leave my mum at home too much. Therefore, I always feel very stress and sad.

2. While my dad has not borrowed from along, I am worried that he will... in the future. He will probably sell our house for gambling. My dad had already withdrawn all his epf money and according to my mum, he had gambled it all. While we are not considered poor, we are not rich and do not have extra money for him to gamble. He is a quiet person and it's very difficult to talk to him. Whenever we tried talking to him, he will just keep quiet. We ask 10 questions, he will answer 0. Keeping quiet is one of his talent and it's really frustrating.

I guess I have done all I can and I am so tempted to move out. If it's not because of my mum, I would have moved out a long time ago. My siblings were always out and only come home to sleep. They just turn a blind eye to what is happening at home.

I feel so helpless and do not know what else to do. I need some advice and I do not know who I can talk to on this. Please do not tell me to talk to my dad anymore cos I have tried that for many years and it was met with silence from my dad.

Appreciate advice from anyone.....
*
show him video on how ppl lose in gambling.

TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 03:48 PM

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QUOTE(fkmfkm @ Oct 22 2017, 02:48 PM)
where he go ? genting ?
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sometimes genting.... Sometimes not sure
TSbearsfav
post Oct 22 2017, 03:49 PM

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QUOTE(malibuchong @ Oct 22 2017, 01:04 PM)
show him video on how ppl lose in gambling.
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No nd show video.... He himself is always losing....
killerpigglet
post Oct 22 2017, 03:53 PM

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Maybe bring him to psychologist? Maybe he is in too deep n a psychologist can help. But they won't willingly go to one so disguise them as a sifu if they religious? Or maybe go gambling yourself n talk to him. Find out why he likes it so much. There should be a reason
fireballs
post Oct 22 2017, 06:04 PM

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Accompany him to gamble. Help him calculate the odds of winning
loui
post Oct 22 2017, 07:13 PM

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Write a letter to him everytime he go gambling

Tell him exactly what you feel when you knew he went to gamble

Try to make him guilty

Feeling guilty is the first way to repend

Good luck

And as per other forumer said, be there to your mom. Be it physically, emotionally and financially
estcin
post Oct 22 2017, 10:42 PM

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The house under his name? Trick him into signing agreement to transfer the house ownership to ur mum. Then ask ur mum to divorce him

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