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Advice Wanted How to proceed, Go or leave

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fish_hoo
post Oct 18 2017, 07:25 PM

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do you knw all about these before you began to tackle her and entered the relationship?
if yes, then leave but it's all yourself to blame and perhaps you're just not mature thinking enough
if no, then leave bcz you can't change a person
Ralna
post Oct 18 2017, 10:27 PM

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QUOTE(Ineedadvise @ Oct 8 2017, 05:56 AM)
I really feel lost now because of my gf. I know most of you will ask me to leave but let's see what happened now.

1. Gf always like to say this. I don't even want to marry or get a bf. You know this since the beginning where we start to argue. When I say I want to marry her in the future.

2. She is attached. Honestly speaking I feel that she always want me to be beside her or constantly talking to her. For example. Even when we date and I check phone or my watch. She will get mad because she say I am rushing to go home.
*
What she says and what she does = do not match; self-contradictory
When a girl behaves like this, it basically means "I feel scared to get hurt but I don't wanna be left alone too".

It's obvious that your gf has insecurity & low self-esteem issues, which cause her to overthink and become sensitive. She tends to misinterpret your behaviour although your intention means otherwise. (In fact, most girls are like that. Your case is not an isolate one; quite common, actually.)

However, it doesn't mean she's a bad person. I'm sure she has her good qualities too (that's why you fall for her & wanna marry her). It's just that sometimes she can be difficult to handle and irrational. In fact, most girls are clingy until they learn to trust their bf and relax in the relationship.

QUOTE(Ineedadvise @ Oct 8 2017, 05:56 AM)
3. She hope I am the same with her. Don't need to take rest. I am a early person. I sleep around 12am everyday. She sleeps at 3 or 4am. She insist me to text with her until 1 or 2am. Then only she is happy. If not she will be angry with me.

4. For me, I will prioritize my work than her as while working. I will reply her message once every half to 1 hour. But she can instant reply. So she think that I do not love her.

How can I proceed? I don't feel like dumping her as she is one of the best gf I have. But her attitude really make me mad.
*
You are the man in this relationship. You must not let her cross your boundaries and control you with emotional blackmailing until it affects your health, career, studies/ activities, interpersonal relationships with other people, and others.

Love is unconditional, but relationships must have conditions. A healthy relationship is a relationship that has boundaries. You need to know her limits, and she needs to know yours, and both partners need to respect each other & follow the rules in the relationship. A relationship that does not have respect and personal space is a toxic relationship.

***

Just to give an example:

I know my bf is highly focused at work. So, I asked him whether I could text him during work. He said yes, but he might reply me late coz he's busy at work. Every weekday while at work, my bf replies me every 1-2 hours, sometimes every 3-4 hours, but he's always the one who initiates text early in the morning by greeting me first. I rarely text him first unless I have something to ask/ tell him. He also sleeps earlier than me at 10.30 p.m., coz he needs to get up early and starts working at 8 a.m.

Women need to know that work is important to men, and men cannot multitask well, i.e. they can only focus on one thing at a time, or maximum two. Career and relationship use different parts of men's brain; it's difficult for men to switch in and out frequently from one mode (working mode) to the other (dating mode) within seconds. Women can do it, but men cannot; we're just wired differently that way.

Women can delay sleep just to chat with bf or friends, but men cannot, or rather not to, coz chatting is not one of men's important/ productive activities unless there's a topic worth discussing for long till they need to sacrifice their sleep. So, normally, when it's time to zzz, men need to zzz immediately. Their biological clock is somehow different from women's, & also partly because of their brain activity level at night. I believe it's because their "battery" is almost used up during the day (70-80% at work), so they just need to use up/ discharge the remaining energy (watching TV/ playing games/ chatting/ xoxo), and then go to sleep to recharge to 100% again.

& one more thing is: Men need their cave time.

My bf hasn't texted me for 2 days, coz he has some issues at work (which he didn't tell me, but I know coz he had a super early meeting at 7.30 a.m. last Friday; he's the head), and he has a major examination coming up this Friday (doing postgrad studies; been revising since last week). I always let him take his time off to settle whatever he needs to, although I miss him a lot. This happens once every few months (no chat for 3-5 days), and I don't bug him when I sense he needs his time off (though he doesn't tell me he needs it). I know if I text him, he will get distracted instead of focusing on the tasks at hand (I'm sure he misses me too). So when his cave time is over, and he returns to normal, he's very loving and affectionate, and we'll spend plenty of time together (our anniversary trip is coming soon ^^). It's worth the patience and the wait for him every time, coz what's important to him matters to me too. I want to see him successful in his career, good in his studies, and be happy and healthy with me.

Just sharing here so that women can understand men better, coz most of them don't. Men aren't as complicated as women are; they are just wired very differently from women. Women should also think more for men, be considerate, & spiral inward less, i.e. don't keep thinking of "me, myself and I".

***

So, TS, what I see now is that you're too afraid to offend her, so you are tolerating shits from her (you also have your own issues, I believe). You won't earn her respect if you do so, coz she's the boss/ domineering one. You're supposed to be the man who wears the pants in the relationship. A healthy relationship is one which both partners are winners and equals. Now, it's a lose-lose (both partners are unhappy coz of failed expectations & a lack of boundaries).

What you need to do:
Improve your communication with your gf (be firm and assertive), and establish boundaries in the relationship. Convey your expectations by telling her your lifestyle & habits (at work, sleeping time, activities etc), and also your need for personal space and time. She has to respect that. In return, you need to know hers too, and respect hers. Establish a mutual ground of understanding and reach an agreement. There should be some improvement within a given duration, say, within 2-3 months. If she refuses to co-operate or listen, then she is not worthy of you at all. You can then move on coz you tried your best. It takes two to mend a relationship; you cannot do it alone. If you need a 3rd party to mediate it, go get a mutual friend to help you two out.

Wish you all the best. smile.gif

This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 18 2017, 10:31 PM
pillage2001
post Oct 19 2017, 01:10 AM

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From: Kalamazoo, MI
Dump her....she's crazy
kiasu6
post Oct 19 2017, 09:50 AM

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QUOTE(Ineedadvise @ Oct 8 2017, 05:56 AM)
I really feel lost now because of my gf. I know most of you will ask me to leave but let's see what happened now.

1. Gf always like to say this. I don't even want to marry or get a bf. You know this since the beginning where we start to argue. When I say I want to marry her in the future.

2. She is attached. Honestly speaking I feel that she always want me to be beside her or constantly talking to her. For example. Even when we date and I check phone or my watch. She will get mad because she say I am rushing to go home.

3. She hope I am the same with her. Don't need to take rest. I am a early person. I sleep around 12am everyday. She sleeps at 3 or 4am. She insist me to text with her until 1 or 2am. Then only she is happy. If not she will be angry with me.

4. For me, I will prioritize my work than her as while working. I will reply her message once every half to 1 hour. But she can instant reply. So she think that I do not love her.

How can I proceed? I don't feel like dumping her as she is one of the best gf I have. But her attitude really make me mad.
*
you got to talk to her..

get her and you sit down have a serious talk. about all these.
share and understand each other problems.
you have ur expectation, she may have hers as well.

hope this helps.
ZZR-Pilot
post Oct 19 2017, 10:27 AM

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Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(Ineedadvise @ Oct 8 2017, 06:56 AM)

How can I proceed? I don't feel like dumping her as she is one of the best gf I have. But her attitude really make me mad.
*
Oh grow the fuck up.

Ditch the bitch.

You said it yourself - she's 'ONE OF THE BEST' gfs you hv ever had. Not 'the best'. So what's stopping you from walking away? I can maybe understand if she's the fuck of the century, but then it doesn't look like she's giving you much pussy either... she's only interested in racking up your phone bill at night.

Walk the fuck away.

Plenty of other fish in the ocean, if only you're willing to give yourself some self-respect.
jovigrunge
post Oct 19 2017, 12:54 PM

Look at all my stars!!
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I reckon she is very very much younger than you. Expect lots of childishness in her.......... nod.gif
Pete the great
post Oct 20 2017, 12:15 PM

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QUOTE(pillage2001 @ Oct 19 2017, 01:10 AM)
Dump her....she's crazy
*
yes dump her before she dump TS, it is inevitable, she already say she don't want to marry TS

 

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