I am a diagnose Bipolar Disorder patient. My case was simple - diagnose once after gave birth of my first son. My sibling can easily and correctly guess that i got "DEPRESSION" right after i gave birth. I was depressed, stressed, worried, cried, punching to the wall, lay down and sit up straight (every few mins, i was trying to calm myself down), shaking, shivering...etc etc when the so called "panic attack" attacked me.

I can't focus myself, my brain was stuck, i can't make simple decision at all, i need to ask around for answer even my small niece know how to answer.... i got a bad 2 months of confinement. my days were doomed, dark.... when i looked at the TV, my brain is empty, i can't even tell the synopsis of the drama to my husband. my appetite was so bad...cant take much food... what say sleeping. I can't sleep....at all. My brain can't stop reminding myself "hey, don't fall sleep, you will miss the milk pumping time. Your baby is going to run out of milk. Wake up mommy. A good mommy sacrifice their sleep...you are a bad mommy".

my heart pumping as fast as my husband cant believe it. he holds my hand...im shaking...lips were shivering when talked to him. he hold my hand and said "Mommy, if you want to stop breastfeeding, i can just go down to the speedmart to buy milk powder..where is my cool chill wife?"

I broke down to tears. i know, i got this fucking depression from the 3rd day right after gave birth of my son.

30days after gave birth to my son, on the full moon day, i passed by son to my Work-From-Home sister. i told her "i either go to die now, or you help me to take care of this baby...i cant handle him...i cant listen to his cry/laugh... (until today, i was so so so sorry to my lovely son. I please the God to forgive me)". Then, i left my son behind...together with my husband, we called up my sister's (my sis used to diagnose of depression as well..but she is 95% recover) psychiatrist. Make an urgent appointment, from klang to cheras.. (I'm originally from klang but staying at KL for more than 10years. but due to the lack of ability to take k my son, my sis volunteer to help me to take care of him at Klang).

After 2hours of consultation, my reason of getting depression:-

1) of course, hormone change;
2) anxiety;
3) personality i.e. can't adapt to change, everything must follow the plan;
4) genetic (2-3 cases of depression in my family history);
5) worried and felt guilty

Psychiatrist prescribed 2-3 drugs for me.....after a month, only one drug works for me i.e. Lexapro. I do remember when the first time i seek for the psychiatrist, he was almost late for his lecture class at UTAR, but patiently listen to me, patiently explain to me and patiently tell me word by word and note down the medication that prescribe to me. At that time, my brain just "BLANK" i can't understand when or how or how many dosage to take. My husband actually help me to memorise and set alarm for every medication prescribed time.

During 2nd month after gave birth, while taking the medication, i continue pumping the milk, but only for bath purpose, this make me feel anger to myself... thing turn serious...GUILTY brought me down ! suggested by psychiatrist, i stop pumping at the month of 3. also, during the 2nd month, i choose to stay back at klang. stay with my family...taking care of baby (day time, under sister monitor. i still remember vividly, every time i bathe with him, my hand was shaking..until quite sometime). 3rd month, working life 'ON'. Surprisingly, im dealing good with work. but insomnia visit me everyday. then im alcohol addicted, because only alcohol can make me sleep. i finished a 1L Chivas in less than 1 week. My husband out of control but together stay awake with me and slowly, i need not the assist of Chivas, i think this took me 2 months?

After 7 months, my baby back to me (during the 7 months, i back to Klang every weekend and take care him by myself, he was so lovely. Im so sorry to him, even now when i type this reply, broke into tears. i know how unfair to my baby).

After 9 months, i stop medication. I told myself "i can do it. If im bad luck enough, the fucking depression come back, then just take medication. nothing is more big deal than my son and husband. i can make it". Okay, i know this is wrong, please dont take my step. Just follow what is your psychiatrist prescription.

Now, on and off i will have so called "panic attack" when my son fall sick...i just too worry. My psychiatrist do give me Xanax for in case purpose..but i never took...so far..finger cross.

Family and Husband played a very important role. they need not to tell you "dont think so much; be positive; be strong"...cuz seriously, this won't help. I told every one, the KICK will jsut come whenever your "QI" or "Inner Energy" is weak or low. be self control... i always tell myself "See, there are tonnes of tonnes of tonnes of people are in tragic than me. what is your problem? u got a good husband, cute baby, amazing family, financially stable, you got a house, got a car, got a job...PLEASE, WAKE UP"

No matter how, you must seek for your psychiatrist. Call him whenever you feel you are not ok. talk to them.

I hope you will be fine soon.

Always be thankful what you have now... the world is so GOOOOOD for you to explore more. Don't stop here;now. Now make the move.

This post has been edited by IamFineSan: Jul 2 2018, 05:42 PM