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 Finally the first quarrel happened, after a year of loving relationship

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TSRalna
post Sep 9 2017, 02:45 AM, updated 7y ago

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I've always been in a loving relationship with my bf for the past one year. We're BFF to each other + soul mate + lovers + buddies ... & plan to get married and have a future family. I'm emigrating to be with him in Singapore soon in 2 months, ending the LDR.

2 days ago on Thursday, we "accidentally" quarrelled on WhatsApp due to misunderstanding. For the first time ever, he's ignoring me coz he's feeling pissed off, while I also ignored him coz I felt pissed off with him too. We're on cold war for 2 days already.

I just found out when I asked my friend what went wrong. Yeah, he misinterpreted what I was trying to say (he focused on the 2nd part of message), while I misunderstood what he was angry about (I focused on the 1st part of message).

He and I both have some past wounds and fears, which we're helping each other to recover and heal, but those wrong interpretations triggered them off. We "finally" misunderstood each other despite a whole year of communicating 3-10 hours per day since Day 1 of the relationship.

& the day before, on Wednesday, he just texted me to say he missed me though he was attending his class (Master's degree), and he called me after his class ended...

& 2 days ago, on Tuesday, I told him I got the job offer & would be emigrating to be with him, finally...

& 3 days before, on Monday, he just sent me some romantic love songs and said he missed me a lot listening to the lyrics. We listened to the songs together for about 2 hours.

& many more sweet memories.

Sigh.

I just wrote an email to him to explain what we both misunderstood about. Luckily, I'm a language and communication major, yet... sometimes, misunderstanding is unavoidable. Now I finally have a taste of how it feels like to quarrel and go on cold war with my beloved one. It sucks & hurts badly inside.

***

& luckily, we both are smart enough to have a Plan B, just in case we quarrel one day... though I thought we would never (lovey-dovey couple ma~~wub.gif ).

I have my secret weapon to help me cope with this pain of his withdrawal, coz many months ago, I told him,

"Know what, I have my secret diary about us. In case we quarrel one day, I will read it and remind myself how much you love and care for me. Then I will focus on the 999 things you have done right, and forgive the 1 thing you have done wrongly. Love you."

He then replied, "You're really a treasure. No wonder I love you."

Then, in another month, while we're physically together, I asked him, "Will we ever quarrel one day?"

He said, "Yes, any normal relationships will have quarrels eventually."

I asked him, "What will you do then if we quarrel?"

He said, "We'll solve it together after cooling down, and then have lots of make up sex after that."

I was like.... sweat.gif that time. Shy shy~ wub.gif

***

Anyway, here are the lessons learnt:

1. Discuss one serious topic at any one time. Men can only solve issues one at a time, unlike women. Women see the problems as connecting dots and process them fast based on emotions, but men cannot coz they are rational thinkers. They need to think & work on the solutions for each issue, step by step, and this takes time = cannot bombard men with too many problems at once & expect answers/ solutions immediately (no matter how anxious/ worried women feel).

2. It's always good to have a contingency plan in case quarrels happen. I'm glad he and I have prepared it long ago... before we finally quarrelled.

3. Men need time and space when they are in bad mood... till they recover.

4. Always good to have trusted friends to advise, and they should know your relationship development well enough to do so.

I emailed him and explained to him what had happened, apologised... & it's up to him when he wanna contact me again.

***

What I wish would happen next:

I miss him a lot. Want him to text me again. Then we voice-call/ video-call. I'll be flying to Singapore to do the required medical check up in 2 weeks' time. He knows the dates and arrangement. Hopefully, he'll meet me up and we'll make it up to each other. Want him to hug me tightly and kiss me deeply, like he always does.

Such a torture. Now I know why people post in Cupid's Corner. We all face relationship issues once in a while, and then post them on forum past midnight/ at dawn coz of insomnia. tongue.gif

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 9 2017, 02:52 AM
singleguy
post Sep 9 2017, 02:53 AM

relax lah!
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just enjoy the journey.. smile.gif
felixmask
post Sep 9 2017, 09:43 AM

Look at all my stars!!
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Read: Men from Mar n Women from Venus
SUSlowya
post Sep 9 2017, 10:22 AM

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QUOTE(Ralna @ Sep 9 2017, 02:45 AM)
Anyway, here are the lessons learnt:

1. Discuss one serious topic at any one time. Men can only solve issues one at a time, unlike women. Women see the problems as connecting dots and process them fast based on emotions, but men cannot coz they are rational thinkers. They need to think & work on the solutions for each issue, step by step, and this takes time = cannot bombard men with too many problems at once & expect answers/ solutions immediately (no matter how anxious/ worried women feel).
*
woman has wide angle lens, men has zoom lens, use it appropriately if you want to take a good pictures, together.

This post has been edited by lowya: Sep 9 2017, 10:23 AM
BlueWind
post Sep 9 2017, 10:23 AM

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He is one lucky man to be honest. Not a lot of ladies could do what you did in the cold war phase. You love him dearly to the extent you can see past the imperfections on him.

Things like this are definitely inevitable and somehow I think you handle it well enough instead of blurting out break up. Unlike my ex who couldn't see past my flaws and constantly judging me.

I believe he would show up if you ask me.
Crys_Crys
post Sep 9 2017, 12:39 PM

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I can only say.. Thumbs Up!! That's what relationship is all about. Working it out together.
outsider
post Sep 9 2017, 04:19 PM

~ get out ~
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So sweet
monara
post Sep 9 2017, 06:38 PM

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QUOTE(lowya @ Sep 9 2017, 10:22 AM)
woman has wide angle lens, men has zoom lens, use it appropriately if you want to take a good pictures, together.
*
Wow, great food for thought there.
Jokes aside, so men has predator eyes, women has prey eyes eh 😁
tinkerbel
post Sep 9 2017, 07:22 PM

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Ralna

As long as 2 people don't give up on the relationship and work towards it, there will be hope. Maybe, just maybe he got really busy but I am quite sure he is feeling as shit as you're feeling so go work things out with him and talk it over; it's very much harder especially when both of you are LDR but he should feel your love and you his.

All da best smile.gif
persona93
post Sep 9 2017, 09:11 PM

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so you really got that diary?
TSRalna
post Sep 10 2017, 01:39 AM

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QUOTE(BlueWind @ Sep 9 2017, 10:23 AM)
He is one lucky man to be honest. Not a lot of ladies could do what you did in the cold war phase. You love him dearly to the extent you can see past the imperfections on him.

Things like this are definitely inevitable and somehow I think you handle it well enough instead of blurting out break up. Unlike my ex who couldn't see past my flaws and constantly judging me.

I believe he would show up if you ask me.
*
Thanks. He did say he's lucky before, many times. Even if he doesn't show up, I'll find him in SG. wink.gif Will give him the assurance he needs. I know he can't resist me coz I'm his soft spot. wink.gif

QUOTE(tinkerbel @ Sep 9 2017, 07:22 PM)
Ralna

As long as 2 people don't give up on the relationship and work towards it, there will be hope. Maybe, just maybe he got really busy but I am quite sure he is feeling as shit as you're feeling so go work things out with him and talk it over; it's very much harder especially when both of you are LDR but he should feel your love and you his.

All da best smile.gif
*
I never doubt his love for me. We went through a lot together. He's just having his cave time, and will need a longer one this time coz we have some complex stuffs to solve, and he's feeling uncertain. I know him well enough what he's feeling & going through. We have telepathy & can read each other like a book (soul mate).


QUOTE(persona93 @ Sep 9 2017, 09:11 PM)
so you really got that diary?
*
Yes, and I post about my relationship journey on FB too. He's a wonderful man. I'm the one who's... "torturing" him all this while, till he snapped this time. My bad.
MasBoleh!
post Sep 10 2017, 02:24 AM

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You are certainly a rare gem. smile.gif Aiyerrr... so envy on you. Well no worries, misunderstanding are common in relationship, that's why a healthy relationship also will have some quarrel and argue...

I don't think anything can stop both of you sia... biggrin.gif
tinkerbel
post Sep 10 2017, 11:12 AM

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QUOTE(Ralna @ Sep 10 2017, 01:39 AM)
Thanks. He did say he's lucky before, many times. Even if he doesn't show up, I'll find him in SG. wink.gif Will give him the assurance he needs. I know he can't resist me coz I'm his soft spot. wink.gif
I never doubt his love for me. We went through a lot together.  He's just having his cave time, and will need a longer one this time coz we have some complex stuffs to solve, and he's feeling uncertain. I know him well enough what he's feeling & going through. We have telepathy & can read each other like a book (soul mate).
Yes, and I post about my relationship journey on FB too. He's a wonderful man. I'm the one who's... "torturing" him all this while, till he snapped this time. My bad.
*
As long as you can still feel his love and your love for him, you two will be fine biggrin.gif Singapore isn't that far so nothing's stopping you from making a weekend trip wink.gif
TSRalna
post Sep 10 2017, 03:08 PM

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QUOTE(MasBoleh! @ Sep 10 2017, 02:24 AM)
You are certainly a rare gem. smile.gif Aiyerrr... so envy on you. Well no worries, misunderstanding are common in relationship, that's why a healthy relationship also will have some quarrel and argue...

I don't think anything can stop both of you sia...  biggrin.gif
*
We're talking again. tongue.gif

QUOTE(Awakensoul @ Sep 10 2017, 10:13 AM)
Waa so sweet leh. My gf is like this too. My current one of coz. Not gonna talk about past ones.

My gf doesn't really keep a log, though she always post sweet stuffs. And when I'm really angry I always ignore her. But then she's my soft spot and she knows where that spot is. She ends up always hitting that soft spot of mine to activate it during cold war. Thus our cold war never last longer than one night. And for that, I'm also jeles when got guys near her.  And she's understanding enough to assure me all the time. Meet less of her guy friends. But of coz we cannot restrict if they come out in group. Otherwise, the string will snap.

Well the saying goes "it takes 2 to clap". As for me, though I have many female friends, I only meet them if it's in a group outing. Haha.

Anyway since this post is about u. I wanna say grats girl. U're one of those rare gems who don't burst out of nowhere. And people always say every strong man has a very supportive lady behind.

And true, man has zoom lens, so we tend to miss out many things since we don't use wide lens. So it's up to the lady of the house to do it.
*
Wah... I'm glad your found your girl, finally. smile.gif

Hmm..tell you sth extra, coz I wasn't sure if i wanna be with bf (LDR mah..tough), so I kept thinking of breaking up with him. Till he got frustrated then said, "OK, you go out & find if there's other better men for you." So, I went to date many guys with his permission (he wanted me to make up my mind), but at the same time, he was sad & jealous. coz the first man I went out with, the man hugged me. 2nd man, he proposed to me, 3rd man...4th... & I reported to bf everything; it's his condition.

Must have been a torture to my bf. Yeah, I'm a real bad girl a.k.a. a bitch that men love and hate at the same time, but also their dream girl & ideal wife material. wink.gif I have gone out with 20+ men before on dinner/ lunch dates, pursued by 50+ and proposed by 6, and that's the proven record which my bf knows of. I was a heartbreaker for years.

Now that you mention, haih... I feel I have lots to make it up to my bf. He's my first love and first man who can conquer my heart & body. Bf himself has gone out with more than 20+ women; that's why he could counter all my "attacks" which I used to break hearts. Yeah, it sucks in a way to lose my self totally to him. LOL.

QUOTE(tinkerbel @ Sep 10 2017, 11:12 AM)
As long as you can still feel his love and your love for him, you two will be fine biggrin.gif  Singapore isn't that far so nothing's stopping you from making a weekend trip wink.gif
*
We're talking again. Hehe. Thanks, Tinkerbel. He still loves me and called me this morning. smile.gif

tinkerbel
post Sep 10 2017, 03:51 PM

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QUOTE(Ralna @ Sep 10 2017, 03:08 PM)
We're talking again. tongue.gif
Wah... I'm glad your found your girl, finally. smile.gif

Hmm..tell you sth extra, coz I wasn't sure if i wanna be with bf (LDR mah..tough), so I kept thinking of breaking up with him. Till he got frustrated then said, "OK, you go out & find if there's other better men for you." So, I went to date many guys with his permission (he wanted me to make up my mind), but at the same time, he was sad & jealous. coz the first man I went out with, the man hugged me. 2nd man, he proposed to me, 3rd man...4th... & I reported to bf everything; it's his condition.

Must have been a torture to my bf. Yeah, I'm a real bad girl a.k.a. a bitch that men love and hate at the same time, but also their dream girl & ideal wife material. wink.gif I have gone out with 20+ men before on dinner/ lunch dates, pursued by 50+ and proposed by 6, and that's the proven record which my bf knows of.  I was a heartbreaker for years.

Now that you mention, haih... I feel I have lots to make it up to my bf. He's my first love and first man who can conquer my heart & body. Bf himself has gone out with more than 20+ women; that's why he could counter all my "attacks" which I used to break hearts. Yeah, it sucks in a way to lose my self totally to him. LOL.
We're talking again. Hehe. Thanks, Tinkerbel. He still loves me and called me this morning. smile.gif
*
Great fantastic! biggrin.gif Now go have some make up sex rclxs0.gif
TSRalna
post Sep 10 2017, 03:58 PM

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QUOTE(tinkerbel @ Sep 10 2017, 03:51 PM)
Great fantastic! biggrin.gif Now go have some make up sex  rclxs0.gif
*
Hahaha.. XD soon. I'm flying to SG next week. Then working there starting Nov. Will be with him & no more LDR. smile.gif
MasBoleh!
post Sep 10 2017, 08:56 PM

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QUOTE(Ralna @ Sep 10 2017, 03:08 PM)
We're talking again. tongue.gif

*
Haha, I am so happy to know that ! That's a very good news biggrin.gif

This post has been edited by MasBoleh!: Sep 10 2017, 08:56 PM
Pete the great
post Sep 10 2017, 10:28 PM

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QUOTE(Ralna @ Sep 9 2017, 02:45 AM)
I've always been in a loving relationship with my bf for the past one year. We're BFF to each other + soul mate + lovers + buddies ... & plan to get married and have a future family. I'm emigrating to be with him in Singapore soon in 2 months, ending the LDR.

2 days ago on Thursday, we "accidentally" quarrelled on WhatsApp due to misunderstanding. For the first time ever, he's ignoring me  coz he's feeling pissed off, while I also ignored him coz I felt pissed off with him too. We're on cold war for 2 days already.

I just found out when I asked my friend what went wrong. Yeah, he misinterpreted what I was trying to say (he focused on the 2nd part of message), while I misunderstood what he was angry about (I focused on the 1st part of message).

He and I both have some past wounds and fears, which we're helping each other to recover and heal, but those wrong interpretations triggered them off. We "finally" misunderstood each other despite a whole year of communicating 3-10 hours per day since Day 1 of the relationship.

& the day before, on Wednesday, he just texted me to say he missed me though he was attending his class (Master's degree), and he called me after his class ended...

& 2 days ago, on Tuesday, I told him I got the job offer & would be emigrating to be with him, finally...

& 3 days before, on Monday, he just sent me some romantic love songs and said he missed me a lot listening to the lyrics. We listened to the songs together for about 2 hours.

& many more sweet memories.

Sigh.

I just wrote an email to him to explain what we both misunderstood about. Luckily, I'm a language and communication major, yet... sometimes, misunderstanding is unavoidable. Now I finally have a taste of how it feels like to quarrel and go on cold war with my beloved one. It sucks & hurts badly inside.

***

& luckily, we both are smart enough to have a Plan B, just in case we quarrel one day... though I thought we would never (lovey-dovey couple ma~~wub.gif ).

I have my secret weapon to help me cope with this pain of his withdrawal, coz many months ago, I told him,

"Know what, I have my secret diary about us. In case we quarrel one day, I will read it and remind myself how much you love and care for me. Then I will focus on the 999 things you have done right, and forgive the 1 thing you have done wrongly. Love you."

He then replied, "You're really a treasure. No wonder I love you."

Then, in another month, while we're physically together, I asked him, "Will we ever quarrel one day?"

He said, "Yes, any normal relationships will have quarrels eventually."

I asked him, "What will you do then if we quarrel?"

He said, "We'll solve it together after cooling down, and then have lots of make up sex after that."

I was like....  sweat.gif  that time. Shy shy~ wub.gif

***

Anyway, here are the lessons learnt:

1. Discuss one serious topic at any one time. Men can only solve issues one at a time, unlike women. Women see the problems as connecting dots and process them fast based on emotions, but men cannot coz they are rational thinkers. They need to think & work on the solutions for each issue, step by step, and this takes time = cannot bombard men with too many problems at once & expect answers/ solutions immediately (no matter how anxious/ worried women feel).

2. It's always good to have a contingency plan in case quarrels happen. I'm glad he and I have prepared it long ago... before we finally quarrelled.

3. Men need time and space when they are in bad mood... till they recover.

4. Always good to have trusted friends to advise, and they should know your relationship development well enough to do so.

I emailed him and explained to him what had happened, apologised... & it's up to him when he wanna contact me again.

***

What I wish would happen next:

I miss him a lot. Want him to text me again. Then we voice-call/ video-call. I'll be flying to Singapore to do the required medical check up in 2 weeks' time. He knows the dates and arrangement. Hopefully, he'll meet me up and we'll make it up to each other. Want him to hug me tightly and kiss me deeply, like he always does.

Such a torture. Now I know why people post in Cupid's Corner. We all face relationship issues once in a while, and then post them on forum past midnight/ at dawn coz of insomnia.  tongue.gif
*
I just curious, when you and your bf one day marry, do you guys plan to have kids?

I heard Singapore has very expensive private child care, unlike those of AUstralia and UK.

Both of my friends who work there married - they got good pay but their only struggle is child care. I not sure why they could not find affordable child care, eventually their wives had to quit and become full time house wife to take care of their children.
pml_318
post Sep 11 2017, 07:58 AM

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QUOTE(Pete the great @ Sep 10 2017, 10:28 PM)
I just curious, when you and your bf one day marry, do you guys plan to have kids?

I heard Singapore has very expensive private child care, unlike those of AUstralia and UK.

Both of my friends who work there married - they got good pay but their only struggle is child care. I not sure why they could not find affordable child care, eventually their wives had to quit and become full time house wife to take care of their children.
*
Childcare sgd 500-1000, yes she should just quit her 1k pay job laugh.gif
I think is not just about $ ......
wargreymon12
post Sep 11 2017, 09:59 AM

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For LDR, how frequent should we be attempting to visit one another?

Is once a year acceptable? (1wk/yr)



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