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 Hard to imagine marriage

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ZZR-Pilot
post Sep 7 2017, 07:19 PM

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QUOTE(Da Mon Sta @ Sep 6 2017, 09:53 AM)

Or maybe this is what marriage is like? Me minding my own business and she minding hers, as long as we can tolerate each other then life goes on?

Just looking for some opinions and advise here, not judgement.
*
Oh I've been there. She was in her world, me in mine. As the years passed we had less and less in common even though we hardly fought, the house was managed well etc.

That went on for many years.... hunky dory, nobody rocked the boat but we drifted further and further apart.

But eventually I had to decide if I'm going to settle for this for the rest of my life.

I finally decided no. I want a companion to share my life with, my equal... not some girl I tolerated. We divorced.

Moral of the story: Sure you can keep a marriage like this, but the question is would you want to?
niafaz89
post Sep 7 2017, 07:28 PM

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QUOTE(Da Mon Sta @ Sep 6 2017, 08:53 AM)
I'm been with J for almost 2 years, but somehow when I start thinking about the future and is she the one I wanna marry, I seem to lean towards a no.

We've been getting along ok so far, arguements are minimal. We can even go for overseas trip together.

Not sure is it just because I still not mature enough to think about marriage or is it because I think I'm so opposite of her.

I manage my money properly while she sucks at money management yet not hesitant to spend (her own money).

I like walking and exploring during holidays while she prefers a more comfortable style of holiday like not willing stay cheap accommodation and prefer shopping (but I guess it's a girl thing to have shopping as part of the holiday itinerary?)

I'm the plan ahead kind of person, have a to-do-list to fill my weekends while she basically is a lazy person and just sit around surfing the net all day.

Yes she never say no to me for pursuing my hobby or interest, but at the same time she never really ask me about it or try to know more about it. While I on the other hand, have no idea what is her interest as she just play phone and when she talks to me, its only about her workplace and colleagues. She has no particular passion or hobby so there's really no such thing as doing something we both enjoy together, she has to be persuaded to go gym or go jog with me, or when I propose some activities like badminton or bowling, she would just say ok she'll accompany me but she don't join.

I guess the reason we made it thus far is because we're good at tolerating each other? Like me accepting she likes branded stuff eventhough she's broke as long as she don't ask me to buy for her and her accepting my style of holiday itinerary as long as the room is decent and i allocated a day for shopping. But what I wonder is how long can these tolerance last before one day either one of us don't wanna tolerate anymore? What if one day I woke up and rather have someone with closer ideology to spend the rest of my life with.

She isn't like my other crushes I previously had which I was so infatuated and get nervous the first time we met. Tbh she was just someone whom I think, "ok I've been single for so long, she seems ok, why not just try it out and see where this goes". And I also believe its roughly the same for her, I think I'm not really her type but since she's also single for so long why not try it out. So I guess there no such thing as trying to rekindle a spark.

Or maybe this is what marriage is like? Me minding my own business and she minding hers, as long as we can tolerate each other then life goes on?

Just looking for some opinions and advise here, not judgement.
*
From ur situation, i think u r not ready for marriage yet..deep in you heart, you still doubting whether ur relationship will work out for both of u or not..my advise ts, take ur time..
In my culture, i bet most of malaysian now have the same perception, once u pass 30, n not yet married, people will judge u as too choosy..if girl, even worse, no sense of motherhood, not feminine enuff and bla..bla..bla..

When a girl, working and stay single for a long time,>3 years, they see that they have a right to go YOLO..spending all the money for themselves, to please herself..in her case, like most women, failed to do financial planning if they dont see the commitment they need to save for..thats why sometimes u see, a girl will spend like crazy before her wedding but once she become a mother n wife, she can properly plan for the groceries budget, kid's saving and others..
Maybe since she did not see the marriage(between u and her) will come around and thus, she does not feel any obligation to save some money..but on the other hand..she is a big spender too😂

Have u ever hang out with her friend?maybe her friend can help u in enjoying thing that both of u can do together..her habit of having shopping vacay, comfort luxury is shaping by her environment..some people when get an opportunity to try new experience(spend a night in a campsite), only realise that, they actually can leave all the comfort offered by hotel room...but don't go too extreme...start small and try to guide her to be more open..

About playing phone and conversation..maybe u need to initiate a lot of topics like discussing about the life after marriage..fashion..food..movie and other girl stuffs..at the same time, just tell her indirectly about your interest like sport, buying house..etc..since u already know she sometimes having a prob with her financial, a topic like hey, u want to opt for cheaper vacation or buying new adidas shoes got 1/2 discount might be helpful...anything that she can see as, i get that but more cheaper~

Anyway, some people believe about spark things between u nnur partner, but as for me, if i feel comfortable with someone even there is no spark/butterfly effect, i will go with that..maybe u guys still in a friendly phase and maybe marriage is not even in her mind yet..so u might want to choose either to start discussing about marriage or just enjoy the current moment..

Anyway, goodluck with that and appreciate people that treasure u in their life😘
Kanan Jarrus
post Sep 8 2017, 01:59 AM

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QUOTE(McFD2R @ Sep 7 2017, 05:34 PM)
Yet another description which I feel is inaccurate. It's not a flaw in the case of cc980024 scenario. Her husband just have a different view of living. A flaw is imperfection and him having expensive hobby is not a flaw, especially when you consider that he hands his salary to his wife.

When someone sees their partner having flaws, that's when relationships start to fail.

If partner A expects partner B to live the way A does, or B expects A to live like B, might as well bungkus and get a divorce. My wife & I have completely opposite personality and way of life, and we have come to terms with it before we got married. Diversity makes it interesting. And how you handle diversity shows how mature a relationship can be, or how frail it can be.

Besides, before any marriage, one should have known how each other have been living their life before they decided to get hitched, no? If they don't, they got started on the wrong foot to begin with and no one to blame but themselves.

At least that's what I feel.
*
agree wif what you say....

what makes r/s hard is compromising i think hmm.gif hmm.gif
cooldude101
post Sep 8 2017, 02:36 PM

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QUOTE(Da Mon Sta @ Sep 6 2017, 08:53 AM)
I'm been with J for almost 2 years, but somehow when I start thinking about the future and is she the one I wanna marry, I seem to lean towards a no.

We've been getting along ok so far, arguements are minimal. We can even go for overseas trip together.

Not sure is it just because I still not mature enough to think about marriage or is it because I think I'm so opposite of her.

I manage my money properly while she sucks at money management yet not hesitant to spend (her own money).

I like walking and exploring during holidays while she prefers a more comfortable style of holiday like not willing stay cheap accommodation and prefer shopping (but I guess it's a girl thing to have shopping as part of the holiday itinerary?)

I'm the plan ahead kind of person, have a to-do-list to fill my weekends while she basically is a lazy person and just sit around surfing the net all day.

Yes she never say no to me for pursuing my hobby or interest, but at the same time she never really ask me about it or try to know more about it. While I on the other hand, have no idea what is her interest as she just play phone and when she talks to me, its only about her workplace and colleagues. She has no particular passion or hobby so there's really no such thing as doing something we both enjoy together, she has to be persuaded to go gym or go jog with me, or when I propose some activities like badminton or bowling, she would just say ok she'll accompany me but she don't join.

I guess the reason we made it thus far is because we're good at tolerating each other? Like me accepting she likes branded stuff eventhough she's broke as long as she don't ask me to buy for her and her accepting my style of holiday itinerary as long as the room is decent and i allocated a day for shopping. But what I wonder is how long can these tolerance last before one day either one of us don't wanna tolerate anymore? What if one day I woke up and rather have someone with closer ideology to spend the rest of my life with.

She isn't like my other crushes I previously had which I was so infatuated and get nervous the first time we met. Tbh she was just someone whom I think, "ok I've been single for so long, she seems ok, why not just try it out and see where this goes". And I also believe its roughly the same for her, I think I'm not really her type but since she's also single for so long why not try it out. So I guess there no such thing as trying to rekindle a spark.

Or maybe this is what marriage is like? Me minding my own business and she minding hers, as long as we can tolerate each other then life goes on?

Just looking for some opinions and advise here, not judgement.
*
Looks like you listed the "10 things I hate about you".

If you don't have anything you like about her, because ALL you can talk about is how bad she is, or how bad she makes you feel, or how she's different from you, and How it is just "Tolerating" each other....

Well? Time to move on. You don't love her, you tolerate her. You don't accept her as who she is.

So, you don't need any suggestions from this Board, your mind is made up, and YES, 2 years, the time is right to walk out now, before you and SHE invest more time and energy into this relationship.

Good luck mate, though I don't think your sharing is fair, it's all one sided, about your hate.
boonhan
post Sep 8 2017, 03:53 PM

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Sound like you didnt love her at the first place, just trying to marriage because reaching the point of 30.

if in future, u met someone who really u attracted to, how?
Maybe you need more time before decide if she the one.
Dern
post Sep 8 2017, 04:08 PM

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QUOTE(sokiahlee @ Sep 6 2017, 12:37 PM)
She got other choices la, prepared to be jumped ship.
I can't tolerate someone play phone too long in front of me, i will tell him/her to fuck off

the problem is either you've communication problem with her, or she's genuinely a self centered person (which majority of today's women are)

it's a great sign to look into, cause little by little problems surface
and also, humans are not meant to be monogamous, looks like she has got bored of you long time ago based on her action, and you FELT you have obligations to take care of her pussy because you're a man.
*
I guess marriage is just a formal way of telling both we are together but doesn't reflect if they are compatible for each other. many times, most ppl are desperate not to be seem as single or not yet married, hence quickly grab one and marry....only to regret later. some even worst, start to identify secretly who around their circles are gay laugh.gif
SUSsokiahlee
post Sep 8 2017, 04:55 PM

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QUOTE(Dern @ Sep 8 2017, 04:08 PM)
I guess marriage is just a formal way of telling both we are together but doesn't reflect if they are compatible for each other. many times, most ppl are desperate not to be seem as single or not yet married, hence quickly grab one and marry....only to regret later. some even worst, start to identify secretly who around their circles are gay  laugh.gif
*
men marry because they want to secure the 'constant' access to the pussy
women marry because they want the maximum provision from the men

men cheat because the polyamory instinct, and decreasing authority (feminism) on women for the past 50 years, etc
women cheat because the hypergamous instinct, monkey branching is understandable if any opportunity arises

nature doesn't care, biology speaks for themselves.

marriage is just one of the products to make the world 'seem' happy, harmonious, to keep the economy ongoing.
Dern
post Sep 8 2017, 07:19 PM

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QUOTE(sokiahlee @ Sep 8 2017, 04:55 PM)
men marry because they want to secure the 'constant' access to the pussy
women marry because they want the maximum provision from the men

men cheat because the polyamory instinct, and decreasing authority (feminism) on women for the past 50 years, etc
women cheat because the hypergamous instinct, monkey branching is understandable if any opportunity arises

nature doesn't care, biology speaks for themselves.

marriage is just one of the products to make the world 'seem' happy, harmonious, to keep the economy ongoing.
*
errr, marry means you only access to 1 pussy. laugh.gif
SUSsokiahlee
post Sep 8 2017, 07:21 PM

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QUOTE(Dern @ Sep 8 2017, 07:19 PM)
errr, marry means you only access to 1 pussy.  laugh.gif
*
most men want to appear being respected as a beta husband
they constantly revolve around being seen as a good man

the societal conditioning(s) is very strong
Dern
post Sep 8 2017, 07:25 PM

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QUOTE(sokiahlee @ Sep 8 2017, 07:21 PM)
most men want to appear being respected as a beta husband
they constantly revolve around being seen as a good man

the societal conditioning(s) is very strong
*
good or bad man, the face already can show, the way they talk, the topic they always like to ask people reveal everything and their body language biggrin.gif
J1g54w
post Sep 10 2017, 05:50 PM

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Do both of you have a similar long-term goal in life? Once you have that, everything else falls into place. Doesn't matter if you have different hobbies/interests/skills/career.
reed90
post Sep 25 2017, 04:21 PM

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QUOTE(Da Mon Sta @ Sep 6 2017, 08:53 AM)
I'm been with J for almost 2 years, but somehow when I start thinking about the future and is she the one I wanna marry, I seem to lean towards a no.

We've been getting along ok so far, arguements are minimal. We can even go for overseas trip together.

Not sure is it just because I still not mature enough to think about marriage or is it because I think I'm so opposite of her.

I manage my money properly while she sucks at money management yet not hesitant to spend (her own money).

I like walking and exploring during holidays while she prefers a more comfortable style of holiday like not willing stay cheap accommodation and prefer shopping (but I guess it's a girl thing to have shopping as part of the holiday itinerary?)

I'm the plan ahead kind of person, have a to-do-list to fill my weekends while she basically is a lazy person and just sit around surfing the net all day.

Yes she never say no to me for pursuing my hobby or interest, but at the same time she never really ask me about it or try to know more about it. While I on the other hand, have no idea what is her interest as she just play phone and when she talks to me, its only about her workplace and colleagues. She has no particular passion or hobby so there's really no such thing as doing something we both enjoy together, she has to be persuaded to go gym or go jog with me, or when I propose some activities like badminton or bowling, she would just say ok she'll accompany me but she don't join.

I guess the reason we made it thus far is because we're good at tolerating each other? Like me accepting she likes branded stuff eventhough she's broke as long as she don't ask me to buy for her and her accepting my style of holiday itinerary as long as the room is decent and i allocated a day for shopping. But what I wonder is how long can these tolerance last before one day either one of us don't wanna tolerate anymore? What if one day I woke up and rather have someone with closer ideology to spend the rest of my life with.

She isn't like my other crushes I previously had which I was so infatuated and get nervous the first time we met. Tbh she was just someone whom I think, "ok I've been single for so long, she seems ok, why not just try it out and see where this goes". And I also believe its roughly the same for her, I think I'm not really her type but since she's also single for so long why not try it out. So I guess there no such thing as trying to rekindle a spark.

Or maybe this is what marriage is like? Me minding my own business and she minding hers, as long as we can tolerate each other then life goes on?

Just looking for some opinions and advise here, not judgement.
*
shit, this is what i'm having right now

I'm a very outdoorsy person and love to go travel and outside
she is quite timid and do not willing to try any hobbies that i love
yeah we're good at tolerating each other. She's really caring and nice.
But i do afraid that sooner or later the bubble will burst and we'll not be happy together since our hobbies and views are totally different
I could get bored easily
How would others think after marriage this is gonna be like?


TSDa Mon Sta
post Sep 29 2017, 09:55 PM

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QUOTE(Pete the great @ Sep 6 2017, 12:11 PM)
You need to sit down with her and ask her these questions before you get married. Does she want kids? Do you want kids? Who is going to be the breadwinner? Or both of you agree to share the expenses? Both of you are going to work? Or she wants to be the homemaker? Who is going to go buy the grocery? What about marriage preparation? How many tables? Do you want a church wedding? Any requirements from her parents? or your parents for wedding? or just a simple signing ceremony? WHo is gonna clean the house? Do you want a dog? Balancing between spend time with friends and with you? Saving money for future family expenses instead of throwing away on LV bags? After marriage, does she wanna stay with you at your family home? Or you have  a house already bought up?

These are among the issues you have to iron out with her, if you want to evaluate if both of you are suitable for marriage. Many times I notice people get married but they don't bring this up, just to get into a time bomb, when they found out their partner isn't what they think they are, and so many differences they realize after marriage.
*
Exactly, however woman being woman, an emotional creature in general, find it hard to comprehend when this kind of serious topic is brought up. Or maybe the way I bring it up is wrong.

I remember we once had an argument cuz I brought up an issue that she seldom take initiative to share her part of our casual dating expenses such as meals. We ended up argueing because I explicitly states I don't like it if she has the mentality that its the guy's job to pay. I mentioned I don't mind to pay but you should not have the mentality that guy should pay and you should take initiative to share.

She was upset cuz say took it like I'm setting ground rules in our r/s, like I'm measuring each parties' contribution to the r/s. Long story short, although we got into a fight, good thing I did bring that up cuz since then she did take more initiative to share.

So if I were to try to bring up topic about setting ground rules on each parties' responsibilities such as the questions u mentioned, I would really need to learn how to bring it up in a casual way yet getting a firm agreement outcome from her.

This post has been edited by Da Mon Sta: Sep 29 2017, 10:13 PM
TSDa Mon Sta
post Sep 29 2017, 10:00 PM

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QUOTE(Drian @ Sep 7 2017, 12:19 PM)
I can tell you that people don't change. There is a limit to how long she can tolerate or "pretend" that she is not self centered.

Actually You should be more worried when you guys have a kid. Would she just throw all the job of taking care of the kid to you while she watch her k-drama.
Would she constantly complain and then expect you to hire a maid for her? These are the questions that you have to ask yourself.
*
I'm exactly the kind of guy who will ask these kind of question before committing as marriage is a big life decision. I just don't know how to bring it up yet that's why I just staying in my comfort zone maintaining the r/s at status quo.

But the thoughts that come to me is, even though I'm not rushing to get married, is it time for me to bring these kind of serious questions up so that we know we can continue our r/s or just move on and not waste our time and effort if we really can't come to an agreement on these kind of serious question.
TSDa Mon Sta
post Sep 29 2017, 10:02 PM

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QUOTE(McFD2R @ Sep 6 2017, 12:46 PM)
I'd say stick with her for now. She may not be having the life that you would want, but she is not demanding either. If you're thinking about marriage, then start to have conversations about it. Then read how she would react and then see how that goes from there.

I've been with and known my wife of 9 years since 1990. 27 years and despite that, we still have little discoveries every now and then. Don't be so rigid in life and don't be so routine.

Also, perhaps changing your mindset is a start. Don't think of it as tolerating. Think of it as accepting. When you can accept, you can move past it. When you tolerate, eventually you will break.
*
I'm not thinking about marriage, I'm thinking more on if eventually when I'm thinking about marriage and start asking these kind of question and it didn't work out, shouldn't I ask it sooner (like now) so we don't waste time and effort?

And on accepting vs tolerating, I'm definitely tolerating at the moment. As a grown adult, I cannot accept the fact that one can just be care-free about your financial planning. You can't just spend and spend without any savings for the future.

I'm tolerating and hoping day by day as she continue being with me after few years, she can slowly pick up the habit from me and be a more responsible adult.

This post has been edited by Da Mon Sta: Sep 29 2017, 10:05 PM
TSDa Mon Sta
post Sep 29 2017, 10:10 PM

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QUOTE(cc980024 @ Sep 7 2017, 10:42 AM)
TS, all I can say is "YOU DON'T LOVE HER".

The whole thing that you describe is exactly the situation with my hubby and myself. The only difference is, my hubby is the person similar to your gf. And myself being financial manager of the family, automatically the planner from holiday itinerary, hotel booking, etc... up to the extend of our daily expense, asset purchase, kid development, .. everything. We are both earning similar salary package. But I am a lady who doesn't spend on branded stuff, or anything more than a basic makeup kit. My way of spending and planning always goes to "cost effective" manner.

Whereas my hubby, have tons of pricy hobby. From nonstop upgrading his audio system, CDs and LPs collection, photography, coffee (home barista), and recently into grill cooking. Every equipment he bought were branded, even is just started a new hobby as a learner. Our overseas trip means shopping for his hobbies too.
We were on join household savings. Each dollar he spend means each dollar that I have saved too.  But I never stop him as long as our household income allow it. Reason being, I don't spend, but that don't give me rights to stop him from spending. He earn his own salary too, though he surrender his income to me. And also coz his salary is with me, he don't really plan or save for the rain, as I always there to work things out.

TS, I am a lady, yet I don't feel bad taking up the role to handle such spouse. In fact, I feel happy seeing him excited with his toys. Therefore, I see that you don't love her enough, if it annoy you.
*
I'm annoyed because she don't manage it properly, she act like a child with no financial planning.

Atleast he surrender his salary to you so you can help manage it.

But I doubt any modern day woman would want her bf to manage her finances, its already considered lucky if a guy can get a gf that don't try to manage the bf's finances instead.
w19
post Sep 30 2017, 12:46 AM

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1. Everyone is different.
2. Please dont look for fairness in loving relationship. Its impossible.
3. Relationship is about work together.
4. Discussion.
Pete the great
post Sep 30 2017, 11:57 AM

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QUOTE(Da Mon Sta @ Sep 29 2017, 09:55 PM)
Exactly, however woman being woman, an emotional creature in general, find it hard to comprehend when this kind of serious topic is brought up. Or maybe the way I bring it up is wrong.

I remember we once had an argument cuz I brought up an issue that she seldom take initiative to share her part of our casual dating expenses such as meals. We ended up argueing because I explicitly states I don't like it if she has the mentality that its the guy's job to pay. I mentioned I don't mind to pay but you should not have the mentality that guy should pay and you should take initiative to share.

She was upset cuz say took it like I'm setting ground rules in our r/s, like I'm measuring each parties' contribution to the r/s. Long story short, although we got into a fight, good thing I did bring that up cuz since then she did take more initiative to share.

So if I were to try to bring up topic about setting ground rules on each parties' responsibilities such as the questions u mentioned, I would really need to learn how to bring it up in a casual way yet getting a firm agreement outcome from her.
*
Actually you should rephrase it, women tend to read it differently. Perhaps for now you will be able to survive this one, but in future since the way you convey to her this way, she may bring it up again. Don't be surprise she may even compare to her other friend's boyfriends that they pay 100%.

You should tell her that a relationship is not about who takes and who gives, its about both side giving.

And you should be careful not to come across as being calculative.

Its harder to bring up stuff when you are in a relationship, because she can compare and anytime walk away, she can even give you tantrums like not answering your calls/messages. But once you are in a marriage, its easier to say these things because she is tied to you.

It is good at you set up ground rules, continue to do so, else when marriage she can walk all over you. I have a friend who failed to bring up the ground rules end up in a marriage where he is bullied all the way. He keeps telling me he want a divorce but in the end settle down with her.
McFD2R
post Oct 2 2017, 10:24 AM

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Then it's pretty obvious your relationship HAS FAILED. Kindly move on. You think that she MUST change for YOU if she loves you enough. On the other hand, you don't love her enough to accept her as well. Done deal isn't it? Don't try to be the saint to think that what YOU EXPECT is the right thing for her to do.

Leave her ...
Justin.Loong
post Oct 4 2017, 10:35 AM

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QUOTE(Da Mon Sta @ Sep 6 2017, 08:53 AM)
I'm been with J for almost 2 years, but somehow when I start thinking about the future and is she the one I wanna marry, I seem to lean towards a no.

We've been getting along ok so far, arguements are minimal. We can even go for overseas trip together.

Not sure is it just because I still not mature enough to think about marriage or is it because I think I'm so opposite of her.

I manage my money properly while she sucks at money management yet not hesitant to spend (her own money).

I like walking and exploring during holidays while she prefers a more comfortable style of holiday like not willing stay cheap accommodation and prefer shopping (but I guess it's a girl thing to have shopping as part of the holiday itinerary?)

I'm the plan ahead kind of person, have a to-do-list to fill my weekends while she basically is a lazy person and just sit around surfing the net all day.

Yes she never say no to me for pursuing my hobby or interest, but at the same time she never really ask me about it or try to know more about it. While I on the other hand, have no idea what is her interest as she just play phone and when she talks to me, its only about her workplace and colleagues. She has no particular passion or hobby so there's really no such thing as doing something we both enjoy together, she has to be persuaded to go gym or go jog with me, or when I propose some activities like badminton or bowling, she would just say ok she'll accompany me but she don't join.

I guess the reason we made it thus far is because we're good at tolerating each other? Like me accepting she likes branded stuff eventhough she's broke as long as she don't ask me to buy for her and her accepting my style of holiday itinerary as long as the room is decent and i allocated a day for shopping. But what I wonder is how long can these tolerance last before one day either one of us don't wanna tolerate anymore? What if one day I woke up and rather have someone with closer ideology to spend the rest of my life with.

She isn't like my other crushes I previously had which I was so infatuated and get nervous the first time we met. Tbh she was just someone whom I think, "ok I've been single for so long, she seems ok, why not just try it out and see where this goes". And I also believe its roughly the same for her, I think I'm not really her type but since she's also single for so long why not try it out. So I guess there no such thing as trying to rekindle a spark.

Or maybe this is what marriage is like? Me minding my own business and she minding hers, as long as we can tolerate each other then life goes on?

Just looking for some opinions and advise here, not judgement.
*
You already know the answer. Seriously.

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