And it seems that i am indeed do not belong here nor do i feel belonging here. I think my mother specifically find me as a burden and i understand and i realized that. And i know my parents love my other siblings more than i do. I have a depression if you don't know me. There are really time when i feel tired of life and just wanted to die. It's true. But I am afraid. I don't want to die. I imagine perhaps if i did not die there will be a better future. That everything will change eventually.
I realized too that my real source of my depression is due to my family and shaky relationship with them. I always have bad communication with them. Always argued with my siblings. And my parents. About their way of life. I understand that maybe everything is my fault. I mean if one of my siblings did something wrong or even says something hurtful towards my parents especially my mother, they'll say it's alright. She is my daughter. Despite you know what your sister did or said was unacceptable and unforgivable. But when i did the same because i argued with my parents about how they can accept such treatment from my siblings they shunned me and said i am a bad child.
Recently, i always told them that i do not feel belong and all i ever hope and wish from my family is to just respect that, and let me be successful and so i can live off my own never to return. I am tired of being this 'bad ungrateful child' they feel i am when i tried to protect them from such bad treatment of my siblings but i guess it fall onto deaf ears and was later labelled as a bad child. So, why is there any wrong when i said i wish to have such wish? I personally think it's justified. I am afterall an outcast.
My parents got divorced ever since i was 15. Ever since then relationship of everyone grew sour. I remembered the one time my father slapped me on my face because of how frustrated he was towards my mother. I won't say he is a bad person but he is lacking of care and love and responsibility to this family because perhaps he has his first family. He was never a fair man.
The story of my mother is that, after the divorce we always thought she'll be the one we cling upon too. But i guess we hope too soon. She kept her relationship with this Pakistani man for two years before she mentioned that she already married him. It was devastating and shocking. We do not know how to react. She lied to us. She kept everything secret. And hoped that we would accept this man? Lord know how this guy is pathetic. Probably using my mother to get his PR. He doesn't have any solid job. Being a guard is not promising. We wanted our mother to console us before she did her decision but she didn't. Do we not mean anything to her? How selfish. We want her to be with someone better. What so wrong about that? I remembered that was when I'm 20. Now I'm reaching 30 already soon. We had a fight with her that day and she chose him over us, calling us unacceptable names. "Sial, celaka, kau orang ni semua anak celaka yang tak hormat mak kau sendiri." She said. Did she not realized the Pakistani guy showed middle finger to us? Indeed, so called love makes you blind and do bad judgement. Ever since then mom changed. We'll we keep our relationship intact months afterwards. For the sake of being one family.
I live in an abandoned family house. A 15 years old house to this date. My father never care about the condition of the house. The house only get to have its own fridge this year, after years of begging. Perhaps around 5 years or so. I lost count of all the things I had to beg from him. But hey at least he finally bought one now right? But i still live and sleep in dust and sand cause lord knows how long it has been ever since the house had its white ants attack. "Please fix the tiles, abah." I said. "Ahh nanti lah. Takde duit." He said. No money, no money and no money is what he would say all the time. His infamous words perhaps in my entire life. I remembered the time when i had to drop out twice cause i have no money to pay for many things at school cause of this. Leading me to take up students loan which is not enough for design school. All the loan is for study fees. Schedule was packed. I was young. He did give me 50 ringgit per week. Rm50 for foods, transportation and anything related to school's needs.
Well, I'm currently studying. Diploma still. And i would say the reason im studying is pure luck. Maybe god wanted it to be this way. He was showing off to his friend saying he could afford it when his friend asked him why wasn't any of his children, 7 of them. 4 there. 3 here. are successful and employed.
Meanwhile, my sister on the other hand, brought a man to live at home at where i live. In this abandoned family house. They weren't married. And the guy was rude and disrespectful. I have relationship problem with my sister ever since then. Cause i remembered the time when that guy literally threatened to kill me for telling his story living inside this house to my family. Surprisingly this guy is younger than i am and intended to marry my sister. And so is my sister to him. It amazed me how people can have lack of respect. Let alone towards someone of a family or going to be one. Well of of course my sister chose him than the family. Ever since then they are still in relationship till now. Did i mentioned to you he has basically no life? Dropped out from school during PMR. My sister supporting him financially ever since they knew each other. And any words you say to my sister, will be replied back rudely. She left that house ever since then, cursing my mother and this family, especially me. But my mother who was in tears still can accept her saying she's my daughter. I still want her to come home. How come? She did terrible things and treated you badly. Months after, everything went normal again as if nothing happened.
Recently however, after years of staying out somewhere outside of kl, somewhere northern, she decided to come back home. A home of where I've been living all by myself for years now after the incident. I do not want to argue anymore with anyone. Especially my mother. So i asked them not to let her stay at this house cause I just can't accept it. My depression grew over the years and I'm already comfortable living on my own. That's when today happened. Where my mother just told me, if you can't accept how it is, then you live this house this instance and never to return. I told her i understand everyone's frustration but not mine, so let me be successful and i will leave this house and family eventually. It is alright if you do not want to see me anymore. I am fine on my own. And even if you don't want to consider me as a child of yours too i can accept. Just let me be successful first. And she argued saying i was talking highly and she cursed that i will fall down terribly. What gives of torturing me anymore? Respect my decision and let me be in peace. I know it sounds a lot but i will try to be on my own when i am stable and live on my own somewhere far from them.
Because afterall, my intention is so that...i would never be considered as a bad ungrateful child. I did many terrible things and i can accept even if i did not went to heaven for it..but i can never accept if the reason being is because i treated my mother badly. Because afterall she is my mother. A mother whom happened to not understand my feelings. It saddened me. But it's alright.
I'm sorry that i typed so long. And i am not in my right mind as of now. But i beg someone to just listen. Because afterall i have no one in life. No family, friends nor companion. I am sorry.
Just had a big argument with my family