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 Just had a big argument with my family

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TSTeddysaur
post Feb 19 2017, 01:25 PM, updated 8y ago

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And it seems that i am indeed do not belong here nor do i feel belonging here. I think my mother specifically find me as a burden and i understand and i realized that. And i know my parents love my other siblings more than i do. I have a depression if you don't know me. There are really time when i feel tired of life and just wanted to die. It's true. But I am afraid. I don't want to die. I imagine perhaps if i did not die there will be a better future. That everything will change eventually.

I realized too that my real source of my depression is due to my family and shaky relationship with them. I always have bad communication with them. Always argued with my siblings. And my parents. About their way of life. I understand that maybe everything is my fault. I mean if one of my siblings did something wrong or even says something hurtful towards my parents especially my mother, they'll say it's alright. She is my daughter. Despite you know what your sister did or said was unacceptable and unforgivable. But when i did the same because i argued with my parents about how they can accept such treatment from my siblings they shunned me and said i am a bad child.

Recently, i always told them that i do not feel belong and all i ever hope and wish from my family is to just respect that, and let me be successful and so i can live off my own never to return. I am tired of being this 'bad ungrateful child' they feel i am when i tried to protect them from such bad treatment of my siblings but i guess it fall onto deaf ears and was later labelled as a bad child. So, why is there any wrong when i said i wish to have such wish? I personally think it's justified. I am afterall an outcast.

My parents got divorced ever since i was 15. Ever since then relationship of everyone grew sour. I remembered the one time my father slapped me on my face because of how frustrated he was towards my mother. I won't say he is a bad person but he is lacking of care and love and responsibility to this family because perhaps he has his first family. He was never a fair man.

The story of my mother is that, after the divorce we always thought she'll be the one we cling upon too. But i guess we hope too soon. She kept her relationship with this Pakistani man for two years before she mentioned that she already married him. It was devastating and shocking. We do not know how to react. She lied to us. She kept everything secret. And hoped that we would accept this man? Lord know how this guy is pathetic. Probably using my mother to get his PR. He doesn't have any solid job. Being a guard is not promising. We wanted our mother to console us before she did her decision but she didn't. Do we not mean anything to her? How selfish. We want her to be with someone better. What so wrong about that? I remembered that was when I'm 20. Now I'm reaching 30 already soon. We had a fight with her that day and she chose him over us, calling us unacceptable names. "Sial, celaka, kau orang ni semua anak celaka yang tak hormat mak kau sendiri." She said. Did she not realized the Pakistani guy showed middle finger to us? Indeed, so called love makes you blind and do bad judgement. Ever since then mom changed. We'll we keep our relationship intact months afterwards. For the sake of being one family.

I live in an abandoned family house. A 15 years old house to this date. My father never care about the condition of the house. The house only get to have its own fridge this year, after years of begging. Perhaps around 5 years or so. I lost count of all the things I had to beg from him. But hey at least he finally bought one now right? But i still live and sleep in dust and sand cause lord knows how long it has been ever since the house had its white ants attack. "Please fix the tiles, abah." I said. "Ahh nanti lah. Takde duit." He said. No money, no money and no money is what he would say all the time. His infamous words perhaps in my entire life. I remembered the time when i had to drop out twice cause i have no money to pay for many things at school cause of this. Leading me to take up students loan which is not enough for design school. All the loan is for study fees. Schedule was packed. I was young. He did give me 50 ringgit per week. Rm50 for foods, transportation and anything related to school's needs.
Well, I'm currently studying. Diploma still. And i would say the reason im studying is pure luck. Maybe god wanted it to be this way. He was showing off to his friend saying he could afford it when his friend asked him why wasn't any of his children, 7 of them. 4 there. 3 here. are successful and employed.

Meanwhile, my sister on the other hand, brought a man to live at home at where i live. In this abandoned family house. They weren't married. And the guy was rude and disrespectful. I have relationship problem with my sister ever since then. Cause i remembered the time when that guy literally threatened to kill me for telling his story living inside this house to my family. Surprisingly this guy is younger than i am and intended to marry my sister. And so is my sister to him. It amazed me how people can have lack of respect. Let alone towards someone of a family or going to be one. Well of of course my sister chose him than the family. Ever since then they are still in relationship till now. Did i mentioned to you he has basically no life? Dropped out from school during PMR. My sister supporting him financially ever since they knew each other. And any words you say to my sister, will be replied back rudely. She left that house ever since then, cursing my mother and this family, especially me. But my mother who was in tears still can accept her saying she's my daughter. I still want her to come home. How come? She did terrible things and treated you badly. Months after, everything went normal again as if nothing happened.

Recently however, after years of staying out somewhere outside of kl, somewhere northern, she decided to come back home. A home of where I've been living all by myself for years now after the incident. I do not want to argue anymore with anyone. Especially my mother. So i asked them not to let her stay at this house cause I just can't accept it. My depression grew over the years and I'm already comfortable living on my own. That's when today happened. Where my mother just told me, if you can't accept how it is, then you live this house this instance and never to return. I told her i understand everyone's frustration but not mine, so let me be successful and i will leave this house and family eventually. It is alright if you do not want to see me anymore. I am fine on my own. And even if you don't want to consider me as a child of yours too i can accept. Just let me be successful first. And she argued saying i was talking highly and she cursed that i will fall down terribly. What gives of torturing me anymore? Respect my decision and let me be in peace. I know it sounds a lot but i will try to be on my own when i am stable and live on my own somewhere far from them.

Because afterall, my intention is so that...i would never be considered as a bad ungrateful child. I did many terrible things and i can accept even if i did not went to heaven for it..but i can never accept if the reason being is because i treated my mother badly. Because afterall she is my mother. A mother whom happened to not understand my feelings. It saddened me. But it's alright.

I'm sorry that i typed so long. And i am not in my right mind as of now. But i beg someone to just listen. Because afterall i have no one in life. No family, friends nor companion. I am sorry.
flazeroth4th
post Feb 19 2017, 01:35 PM

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I'm at lost of word, i thought my family problem is worse enough. Keep your patience TS, never lose hope. Go out, talk to someone if it'll help alleviate your burden.
easywin3
post Feb 19 2017, 01:38 PM

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QUOTE(Teddysaur @ Feb 19 2017, 01:25 PM)
...
Because afterall, my intention is so that...i would never be considered as a bad ungrateful child. I did many terrible things and i can accept even if i did not went to heaven for it..but i can never accept if the reason being is because i treated my mother badly. Because afterall she is my mother. A mother whom happened to not understand my feelings. It saddened me. But it's alright.

I'm sorry that i typed so long. And i am not in my right mind as of now. But i beg someone to just listen. Because afterall i have no one in life. No family, friends nor companion. I am sorry.
*
Stay strong, you're a mature child and you will do well in future by learning from your bad childhood experience.
All problems started when one has immature behavior due to low education or selfishness. These are not your fault.

Everyone has chance to lead a better tomorrow, if they can't, you can do yours better without them.
Don't stay and stop in sad too long as this will not help you.

This post has been edited by easywin3: Feb 19 2017, 01:49 PM
ilovemorgiana
post Feb 19 2017, 01:47 PM

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you live your own life, you make decision for yourself. As a random reader, i support you.
things will really get better!
SUSLancewood
post Feb 19 2017, 03:15 PM

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A 15 year old house and you complain?
Some ppl dont even have an 'own abandon house'
Better you think hard tonight and ponder how lucky you are compare to other homeless ppl and hopefully you'll wake up tomorrow a sane person.
Everyday depressed and sulking will help your cause?
blueblueoutofblue
post Feb 19 2017, 04:53 PM

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QUOTE(Teddysaur @ Feb 19 2017, 01:25 PM)
And it seems that i am indeed do not belong here nor do i feel belonging here. I think my mother specifically find me as a burden and i understand and i realized that. And i know my parents love my other siblings more than i do. I have a depression if you don't know me. There are really time when i feel tired of life and just wanted to die. It's true. But I am afraid. I don't want to die. I imagine perhaps if i did not die there will be a better future. That everything will change eventually.

I realized too that my real source of my depression is due to my family and shaky relationship with them. I always have bad communication with them. Always argued with my siblings. And my parents. About their way of life. I understand that maybe everything is my fault. I mean if one of my siblings did something wrong or even says something hurtful towards my parents especially my mother, they'll say it's alright. She is my daughter. Despite you know what your sister did or said was unacceptable and unforgivable. But when i did the same because i argued with my parents about how they can accept such treatment from my siblings they shunned me and said i am a bad child.

Recently, i always told them that i do not feel belong and all i ever hope and wish from my family is to just respect that, and let me be successful and so i can live off my own never to return. I am tired of being this 'bad ungrateful child' they feel i am when i tried to protect them from such bad treatment of my siblings but i guess it fall onto deaf ears and was later labelled as a bad child. So, why is there any wrong when i said i wish to have such wish? I personally think it's justified. I am afterall an outcast.

My parents got divorced ever since i was 15. Ever since then relationship of everyone grew sour. I remembered the one time my father slapped me on my face because of how frustrated he was towards my mother. I won't say he is a bad person but he is lacking of care and love and responsibility to this family because perhaps he has his first family. He was never a fair man.

The story of my mother is that, after the divorce we always thought she'll be the one we cling upon too. But i guess we hope too soon. She kept her relationship with this Pakistani man for two years before she mentioned that she already married him. It was devastating and shocking. We do not know how to react. She lied to us. She kept everything secret. And hoped that we would accept this man? Lord know how this guy is pathetic. Probably using my mother to get his PR. He doesn't have any solid job. Being a guard is not promising. We wanted our mother to console us before she did her decision but she didn't. Do we not mean anything to her? How selfish. We want her to be with someone better. What so wrong about that? I remembered that was when I'm 20. Now I'm reaching 30 already soon. We had a fight with her that day and she chose him over us, calling us unacceptable names. "Sial, celaka, kau orang ni semua anak celaka yang tak hormat mak kau sendiri." She said. Did she not realized the Pakistani guy showed middle finger to us? Indeed, so called love makes you blind and do bad judgement. Ever since then mom changed. We'll we keep our relationship intact months afterwards. For the sake of being one family.

I live in an abandoned family house. A 15 years old house to this date. My father never care about the condition of the house. The house only get to have its own fridge this year, after years of begging. Perhaps around 5 years or so. I lost count of all the things I had to beg from him. But hey at least he finally bought one now right? But i still live and sleep in dust and sand cause lord knows how long it has been ever since the house had its white ants attack. "Please fix the tiles, abah." I said. "Ahh nanti lah. Takde duit." He said. No money, no money and no money is what he would say all the time. His infamous words perhaps in my entire life. I remembered the time when i had to drop out twice cause i have no money to pay for many things at school cause of this. Leading me to take up students loan which is not enough for design school. All the loan is for study fees. Schedule was packed. I was young. He did give me 50 ringgit per week. Rm50 for foods, transportation and anything related to school's needs.
Well, I'm currently studying. Diploma still. And i would say the reason im studying is pure luck. Maybe god wanted it to be this way. He was showing off to his friend saying he could afford it when his friend asked him why wasn't any of his children, 7 of them. 4 there. 3 here. are successful and employed.

Meanwhile, my sister on the other hand, brought a man to live at home at where i live. In this abandoned family house. They weren't married. And the guy was rude and disrespectful. I have relationship problem with my sister ever since then. Cause i remembered the time when that guy literally threatened to kill me for telling his story living inside this house to my family. Surprisingly this guy is younger than i am and intended to marry my sister. And so is my sister to him. It amazed me how people can have lack of respect. Let alone towards someone of a family or going to be one. Well of of course my sister chose him than the family. Ever since then they are still in relationship till now. Did i mentioned to you he has basically no life? Dropped out from school during PMR. My sister supporting him financially ever since they knew each other. And any words you say to my sister, will be replied back rudely. She left that house ever since then, cursing my mother and this family, especially me. But my mother who was in tears still can accept her saying she's my daughter. I still want her to come home. How come? She did terrible things and treated you badly. Months after, everything went normal again as if nothing happened.

Recently however, after years of staying out somewhere outside of kl, somewhere northern, she decided to come back home. A home of where I've been living all by myself for years now after the incident. I do not want to argue anymore with anyone. Especially my mother. So i asked them not to let her stay at this house cause I just can't accept it. My depression grew over the years and I'm already comfortable living on my own. That's when today happened. Where my mother just told me, if you can't accept how it is, then you live this house this instance and never to return. I told her i understand everyone's frustration but not mine, so let me be successful and i will leave this house and family eventually. It is alright if you do not want to see me anymore. I am fine on my own. And even if you don't want to consider me as a child of yours too i can accept. Just let me be successful first. And she argued saying i was talking highly and she cursed that i will fall down terribly. What gives of torturing me anymore? Respect my decision and let me be in peace. I know it sounds a lot but i will try to be on my own when i am stable and live on my own somewhere far from them.

Because afterall, my intention is so that...i would never be considered as a bad ungrateful child. I did many terrible things and i can accept even if i did not went to heaven for it..but i can never accept if the reason being is because i treated my mother badly. Because afterall she is my mother. A mother whom happened to not understand my feelings. It saddened me. But it's alright.

I'm sorry that i typed so long. And i am not in my right mind as of now. But i beg someone to just listen. Because afterall i have no one in life. No family, friends nor companion. I am sorry.
*
How old are you?
Where are you from?
I can tell you my story, may not be as bad as you, but, i am a willing listener to your life smile.gif

PM me bro!

quartre88
post Feb 19 2017, 04:59 PM

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From: Bukit Padang Mental Hospital



First of all, leave the blood-related burden responsibility shit from your mind, and start planning for making better of your own life.

In your case, leave your toxic family first. Believing that you yourself can make a better future is the key. Nothing is easy in this world so be mentally prepared that you will need to overcome many life obstacles. Step by step will do, don't be too hasty and greedy.
lantohsay
post Feb 19 2017, 07:01 PM

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all I want to say is
1) don't fight fire with fire..if you have something negative to say (after hearing some reply)..wait 5 minutes, rather than usual response.
2) do things you like or enjoying doing.
3) stay always in positive mindset, happy...if possible..if anger, negativism overwhelmed...at least stay neutral, CALM.
Robin Hood
post Feb 19 2017, 07:20 PM

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There there
telement
post Feb 19 2017, 09:12 PM

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Dude, it's very simple. Instead of complaining, be the hero. Be selfless. Do everything for them - solve the problems for them. Ask nothing back. And abundance of joy will come to you.

This is a challenge in your life. The key is not think what you want - but how you can help...


Hammox
post Feb 19 2017, 10:00 PM

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» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «


your situation sounds very stressful. and i agree if one day you are able to move out, you should. for a few people i know (including me), after moving out somehow usually the family issues will become much less. maybe its because of the distance. but importantly also, it will help with the depression by removing yourself from the situation.

and don't believe what your mum says about your future. she's just not in her right mind when she said that so what she said is so not right. you yourself know you are doing your best as you can right now as her son, and that is fine even if your current situation is not the most rosy one.

please take care of your welbeing ya, TS.
JonSpark
post Feb 20 2017, 11:01 AM

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QUOTE(Teddysaur @ Feb 19 2017, 01:25 PM)
I'm sorry that i typed so long. And i am not in my right mind as of now. But i beg someone to just listen. Because afterall i have no one in life. No family, friends nor companion. I am sorry.
*
You need a punching bag, bro. Be it an actual punching bag or a person.

I held my problems in for so long now I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia according to my psychiatrist. So don't end up like me.

This might sound weird but if you need someone to punch out of frustration, you can message me. Hey anything I can offer to help.
Prometric
post Feb 20 2017, 03:35 PM

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Just move out, what are you waiting for? Rent a room doesnt need much. Start small and grow yourself without all this negative energy surrounding yourself
ChaChaZero
post Feb 20 2017, 04:07 PM

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You're close to 30 but why aren't you working yet though?
motion_sickness
post Feb 20 2017, 04:15 PM

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bro if u need someone to yumcha or talk with, can directly pm me. im not sure how much i can help but i'll be there
lawliet88
post Feb 20 2017, 06:20 PM

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From: Cheras For PPL to Live 1


I suggest u watch the movie - up in the air , or jz this video part, for the speech



jz drop the backpack.
seventwo
post Feb 20 2017, 07:25 PM

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QUOTE(motion_sickness @ Feb 20 2017, 04:15 PM)
bro if u need someone to yumcha or talk with, can directly pm me. im not sure how much i can help but i'll be there
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Count me in
cms
post Feb 20 2017, 09:39 PM

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Bro, you are already 30 yrs old and you should be heading your own direction in life, career and other decisions in life. If you are 1X old probably i would have asked you to stay strong and weather it through but you are already 30 and should have been independent and making your own decisions.


The world does not owe you anything that includes your parents, siblings, pakcik -makcik, cousins and friends. They are obliged and by society norm to look and care for you but it's not a given must do thing. Do you understand where i'm coming from? Stop comparing with anyone else be it siblings, cousin or friends, it goes no where and does not help in any way instead channel it to plan for your future and TAKE ACTION.

Please lift your chin up and make a difference in life like seriously, why do you need your parents to buy a fridge when you should be instead? Understand you are studying, please consider doing part time to gain some financial freedom. I.e Uber or even small business like burger which makes healthy money for a few hours.

Also, prays does wonder to the soul, gives calmness and satisfaction. And by means of success there's a lot of interpretation but for me, being independent financial and afford the things I need/(sometimes want) would be sufficient.
Zaxx_Yong
post Feb 20 2017, 10:06 PM

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QUOTE(motion_sickness @ Feb 20 2017, 04:15 PM)
bro if u need someone to yumcha or talk with, can directly pm me. im not sure how much i can help but i'll be there
*
Thanks from one of Malaysian citizen

sojurn
post Feb 21 2017, 08:25 AM

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You are going through a difficult time.

I understand your frustration and perhaps disappointment in your mother, however, do remember that she's also a human prone to making mistakes especially during difficult times. Forgive her and yourself.

You're stronger than most with these experiences but never give up hope. Hope is how all of us, no matter how blessed, live.

Also, you have nothing to apologise for. I'm sorry that all I have are words and I don't know if that gives you any form of relieve. Know that some of us have read your post in its entirety and we care.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things will turn out better in the future.

This post has been edited by sojurn: Feb 21 2017, 08:26 AM

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