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Advice Wanted Dilemma, Forbidden love

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TSwillywonka92
post Sep 12 2016, 06:11 PM, updated 5y ago

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I'm on my last year in uni. Met a Muslim girl 4 years ago. Things were flirty at the beginning and got serious on the next year. Had a serious relationship for 3 years. She has bipolar disorder. Things were rough on the 1st year and now she got way better than before. Recently, we discussed about marriage n meeting parents and stuff like tht. So I told my mum about her. My mum just calmly asked me not to disappoint her as she did asking me to take a good care and not to fall in love with muslim cuz im a Chinese plus I'm the eldest so the pressure is pretty much intense.she put alot of hope of me. I was completely devastated. When I told her about it, she pretty much got back to the old her....started to cry and and bipolar things is back and got worse. She did a lot of things and sacrifice alot for me...I really dont know what to do now... Sincerely looking for a piece of advice from someone who faced this kind of issue before. Thx

This post has been edited by willywonka92: Sep 12 2016, 06:43 PM
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 12 2016, 06:27 PM

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QUOTE(sokiahlee @ Sep 12 2016, 07:20 PM)
Prepare to let go when situation got worse.
You want to love, but love with dignity; worth.
Plus she has bipolar (i don't know what exactly is this...), that means she's gonna explode any time? You can't change whom she's. It doesn't matter how society, your friends telling you to keep take care of her, listen to her, treat women good..
If you think it's very hard to deal with your mom's side, her character?

Your life, your choice.
Always prepare to let go.
*
I did try to let her go before. But when her bipolar kicks and all the suicidal stuff came out, I realize tht I couldn't just let her go. it's not like I feel threatened, I just couldn't see her in that state. About my mum, she's really stubborn n mean sometimes. I mostly listen to her all the time as I'm the eldest n has to set a good example for my brothers. cry.gif
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 12 2016, 07:00 PM

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QUOTE(sokiahlee @ Sep 12 2016, 07:48 PM)
Has she seek professional help yet? Dude, if you let me choose, i will choose my mom, definitely.
I mean u just can't offer her unprofessional care all the time, i could imagine how will be your marriage in the future if this problem exists.
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She did. Took some med back then but quit it as it has some side effects. The thing is she got better after we got serious.

TSwillywonka92
post Sep 12 2016, 07:03 PM

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QUOTE(sokiahlee @ Sep 12 2016, 07:49 PM)
One more thing, you're too young to be married. 20s like me?
Go for a few years, maybe you're 30+ you will have a clearer picture what you want.
It changes.
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It's not like we r getting married. We were discussing about it and she would like to meet my parents. Plus, I think I'm clear on wht do I want n need. She's matured n is a good material for a wide. Things just get worse and her bipolar kicks in.
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 12 2016, 07:48 PM

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QUOTE(Critical_Basher @ Sep 12 2016, 08:07 PM)
I have a friend who went to overseas just to get married because he did not want to convert, and now happily living in Malaysia.
If conversion is your mom's/family's main concern then yeah, there is a solution.

But if they are just being racist, then I am not sure.
*
Thought about that. But then I don't think her family will bless us for that.
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 12 2016, 09:15 PM

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QUOTE(nivota @ Sep 12 2016, 10:02 PM)
race and religion SHOULD NOT become the factor obstructing your love
this is one of the thing Malaysian need to move on from that, and i feel disgusted when a parent object their children to date with a girl just because they are Muslim or Malay, they failed to educate their children to be a rational and good person who should be prepared for the globalised future
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ikr. But then derhaka is not an option :/

This post has been edited by willywonka92: Sep 12 2016, 10:03 PM
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 12 2016, 10:31 PM

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QUOTE(beeMay @ Sep 12 2016, 10:44 PM)
I see that if things get worse, she will get worse and if things got better she will be better..
I am actually surprised that you would like to marry her.

Truth to be told, marriage is not a happy happy thing, there are so many conflicts that involves not only you and her, could be family n friends, and later on kids.

So many conflicts that I can understand why only mature people can get married because it takes A LOT of compassionate and self control and so much more. Expect it to be so hectic maybe after your children become a proper adult? depends.

also, pregnancy...whoah, even a "normal" woman can become crazy with all the responsibilities, the pain, the tiredness..What Im concerned if, what if your bipolar wife gets worse when situation GETS worse? how bad can she go? I cant imagine, honestly.

its just my own point of view working as a baby sitter and friends with many parents hehe
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Yeah I know how those with bipolar is and still learning to to handle her when she's in bipolar mode. However she rarely enter bipolar mode even tho we had some hard time before this. I do believe that I sorta able to stabilize her emotion.
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 13 2016, 11:01 PM

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QUOTE(youngblood29us @ Sep 13 2016, 03:08 PM)
Why fall in love in the first place when you know there will be problems on your side? IF you still went ahead, you have to face the consequences..meaning you have to let go ur family if they cant agree even after countless persuasion..
It will be tough but over time, I believe your family will accept you back esp when parents grow older..
*
i guess i was being ignorant about the religion back then. didnt expect it to hit this hard on me now.
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 13 2016, 11:04 PM

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QUOTE(Freedom15 @ Sep 13 2016, 11:20 AM)
Go aboard to get married if you are worried about getting the status change...
Are you the only son in the family?
Maybe this is why your family are a bit worried...
*
not the only son but the eldest sad.gif
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 13 2016, 11:08 PM

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QUOTE(Critical_Basher @ Sep 12 2016, 11:31 PM)
These older generation people have their own beliefs. You cannot follow things which do not make any sense. What do you fear when the family do not bless your marriage? You fear that your marriage would fail because they don't bless you?

I know a few guys who became hostile or have negative perceptions when they meet someone not from their races. I just think these guys are senseless. They hate someone without any reason. These things are in our society and it is hard to get rid of it. You either ignore or follow it, it's your choice.
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yeah i gotta agree but they are elders so like it or not it still affect the situation
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 13 2016, 11:23 PM

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QUOTE(cc980024 @ Sep 13 2016, 03:29 PM)
TS, you already know your mother will not accept Malay/Muslim daughter-in-law. So, in the first place when you decided to date your gf, shouldn't you have prepare for the situation that happens today?

Going against your mother is never an option. All you can do is to find a neutralize point that everyone can compromise.

In situation like this, just like another forumer have suggest, if you love each other... do not let religion and races come into your way. Get your marriage done elsewhere. It is your responsibility to pursuade your parents that nothing changed, you only get a wife.. not a new name/religion. And is her responsibility to pursuade her parents the same. If she think it can't work, it didn't work for your side to compromise everything for her too. Then she should understand, no way to be together. As for her bipolar, let her parents deal with it if a non-muslim is not the qualify husband for her daughter.
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honestly at 1st i didnt expect us to be this serious. im not planning to against my parents in a hard way and im still working on the persuasion with my parents. apparently her parents has no problems with me as her parents arent really that religious. they are ok with us as long as i able to take a good care of her.
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 13 2016, 11:27 PM

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QUOTE(ymc2303 @ Sep 13 2016, 05:02 PM)
if you are indebted to your mum for all her sacrifice for you, then please don't disappoint her further.
i think your mum wants you to marry someone of same skin and race. (not being racists here). since you are the eldest, of course all the expectations and hope are being poured to you..
or you can go ahead and marry your gf behind your mum and lives somewhere else.
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yeah i know. honestly i dont really like amois. idk y but i feel comfy to hang around with awek instead of amois. trying to persuade my mum with this point but keep failing for now. still hoping for her to accept it cry.gif
TSwillywonka92
post Sep 22 2016, 01:50 PM

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QUOTE(cc980024 @ Sep 21 2016, 05:50 PM)
of coz her parents has no problems with you. Coz you are the one to convert and not her. Check if her parents ok, if you didn't convert and get the marriage register outside Malaysia. If her parents really agree to this, I guess this can be a good turning point to pursuade your parents. And to assured her that all grandchildren can bear the family surname.
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is it legally allowable?
TSwillywonka92
post Nov 20 2019, 02:36 PM

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QUOTE(kohchuup @ Sep 28 2016, 02:23 PM)
got a few frens went thru what u r facing now, most of my frens got married but in a later stage. Ur stage is too early, havent complete your studies yet..
imho try to keep in this relationship for a few more years, wait till both of u more mature, only to deal with both parents...
*
Just feelin like updating this old thread of mine.

-So i ended up marrying her.
- Family starting to accept her and us.
- Ofc i converted without changing my name.
- I guess things are getting much better. 1 thing for sure, family blessing is important. There is no word that i can use to describe the moment my mother accepted us. rclxm9.gif


 

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