Secret Lover

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy.
Lets spend the week together.
Grandpa(the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson.
We cannot attend that meeting.
Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.
Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

Haiya sorry, shall i edit and post a new 1?

1. Men are like .......Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they
are.
3. Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .....Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .. Government Bonds ... . They take soooooooo long to
mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
10. Men are like ......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
11. Men are like .......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
12. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest
are handicapped.

Seems it is a little bit quiet once hit 100 pages. well here's another 1 which is quite a long joke.

Mate Match

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”

Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”

DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.”

Contestant: “Brian.”

DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”

Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”

DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”

Brian: “Sara.”

DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”

Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”

DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”

Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”

DJ: “Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?”

Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”

DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”

DJ: “Question #2 – How long did it last?”

Brian: “About 10 minutes.”

DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”

Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”

DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock
this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”

DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”

Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”

DJ: “Uh huh…”

Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”

DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”

Brian: “On the kitchen table.”

DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.”

[3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: “Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?” (Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: “Kinkos.”

DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”

Clerk: “This is she.”

DJ: “Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”

Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”

DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?”

Sarah: “No.”

DJ: “Good!”

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”

Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”

DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.”

Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”

DJ: “Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”

Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.”

DJ: “What time?”

Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”

DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”

Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”

DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?”

Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”

DJ: “Where did you have it?”

Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?”

Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”

DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”

Sarah: “Well…”

DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?

Sarah: “Up the a$$…”

After a long pause, the DJ said, “Folks, we need to take a station break”

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

0 to 200 in 6 Seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

---

Added on July 10, 2009, 5:15 pmHow to Impress

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
* Compliment her
* cuddle her
* kiss her
* caress her
* love her
* stroke her
* tease her
* comfort her
* protect her
* hug her
* hold her
* spend money on her
* wine & dine her
* buy things for her
* listen to her
* care for her
* stand by her
* support her
* go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

* Show up naked with legs open.

This post has been edited by nelson_hew: Jul 10 2009, 05:15 PM