let me contribute a few jokes...

Don't Understand

Stanley was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of I.Q. and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Stanley's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"



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wife hit her husband with frying pan
Husband: What was that for…?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocketwith the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

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A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes, knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn`t home.
" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"
" She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming?"
"I don`t really know," he said. "She`s been there eleven years now."

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Gifts For My Wife

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go f*** herself!"

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Office Party

After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

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Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."

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Communication Problem

There was a married couple having communication problems, so they decide to see a shrink. He recommends the husband get an animal he can talk to, preferably something that can talk back.
So the husband (Bob) goes to the local pet store to purchase a parrot. What better animal to have a conversation with than a parrot?

Anyway, he asks the sales clerk for a parrot. The Clerk says he has one that can say about 2000 words, for $1000. Bob doesn't want to spend that much, so the clerk says he has a parrot that says about 1000 words, for $500. Still a litttle expensive, Bob decides. OK, the clerk says, We aren't supposed to sell him, but you really seem to want a parrot. We have one in the back that can speak about 5000 words, about as well as any person. The only thing is that it was born with a birth defect. Instead of legs, it has a six-inch penis it uses to grapple to perch. Five bucks. Bob buys it, names it Joe, and takes joe home.

After a few months, bob and joe are the best of friends. One day, Bob comes home from work, and Joe says "Bob, we need to talk."

So Bob sits down, "yeah what's up?"

Joe says "today you're wife invited the mailman in."

"So? He was probably tired form working."

"She asked him if he wanted a drink."

"Well, he was probably thirsty. He has been working all day, you know."

"She started taking off her blouse," Joe said.

"OH MY GOD!! What happened then?"

"I Don't know," Said Joe. "I got a hard-on and fell off the perch."

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Crowded Elevator

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."

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Out With the Flu

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"



extremely sorry if its a repost

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."



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Texas Vacation

There was a guy from Ohio and he went to Texas on a vacation. The first night on the town he stopped at a big restaurant.
He sat down at a table and a waitress comes up to him and asked him for his order. He told her that he wanted a beer.
She went to the back and came back a few minutes later with a two foot tall bottle of beer. He looked at it and said,
"Isn't that a little big?" the waitress replied "Everything is big in Texas."
So then she asked him want he would like to eat. He looked at the menu and said he wanted the grilled steak.
She went to the back and came out thirty minutes later with his order. But by this time he had drunk half of the beer and was a little drunk.
She put the steak on the table and he looked at it for a second. It took up half the table with some hanging off the sides of the plate.
He looked at her and said "Isn't that a little big?" she then replied "Everything is big in Texas."

So he ate some of the steak and drank the rest of the beer. At this point he was really drunk. Then the waitress came near his table and he flagged her down.
He then asked her where the bathroom was. She said "It's to your right, three doors down on your left."

So he stumbled to the hallway and went three doors down. But instead of turning left he turned right and went out on to a balcony and stepped off into a pool.
Then he looked up and started to wave his arms and yelled "Don't flush!"



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Nude Pictures

There was this man that took 2 nude pictures of himself.
The one picture was of the top half and the second picture was the bottom half of him.

So he decided to send the pictures through the mail, the top half to his mom and the bottom half to his girlfriend.

The letters got mixed up in the mail and the mother received the bottom half picture of her son.

She opened it and said "Thats my Son Big nose and lots of hair!"




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Lucky Number 5

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend.
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.

Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.



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Airsick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"



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16 Years

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it.
Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"


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At The Grandparents

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCD..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but Grandma is!"



sorry again if its a repost