Joachim was from small village, by the lake in a valley surrounded by mountainous terrain. Because of this, once in a while his village gets raided by bandits, fully aware that help from the nearest village is at least a day's trek. He swore to become stronger to protect his village and so went and join the army.

After a decade in training and active duty, Joachim returns to his home and is now the strongest and finest brawler around. One day, a dozen bandits raided his village. He dons his fighting suit,  a fully red uniform, grabs his trusted lance and shield and goes dashing head-on unto the bandits' party. This gave a great morale boost to the other men and they defeated the raiders soundly.

A month later, the bandits returns this time with an army of close to a 100. once again, Joachim dons his red uniform, lance and shield in hand lead the villagers to another victory, albeit hard fought. The villagers hails him as their messiah and couldn't stop praising him. The girls were curious about the red uniform and asks Joachim why does he always wear red into battle. He merely replies that the red will conceal his wounds and hence giving the men hope in overwhelming odds. Everyone cheered at his courage.

Another two months pasts before the bandits mounted another raid. This time, their numbers easily reached a 1000. Their footsteps can be heard before they emerge from the mountain pass. Resounding shield bashing and battle shouts echoed across the whole valley. Joachim once again goes to his house to change. Everyone is expecting him to emerge with his customary red uniform with his lance and shield hand.

Joachim did don his red shirt but wore brown pants.....

Brown pants to conceal his shit.

100 nuns
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session.

Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak.....

Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed here, yesterday."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of men`s underwear."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And it has been used."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"

1 nun: "Oh no!"
99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"

Deadly Habits
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

What is love?

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"
The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat
field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back
to pick."
The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat,
but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.
Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is an even bigger
one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he starts to
realise that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he
knew he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.
So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teacher
told him, "...this is love... you keep looking for better ones, but
when later you realise, you have already missed the person.

Apologies
There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size.
So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.
Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"

My "Affairs"
MyGF was away on a company training trip. Though I was very busy, It's my chance to have some "happiness" that would be forbidden by her.

So, after a tiring and depressing workday, I rushed to the designated place and there it was, much to my relieve.

The girl asked, "You want?" "Of course!" I quipped.
..
...
....

I don't want to go into details of the transaction. But I do have pictures of my "happiness"

Why Nagging a Man Doesn't Work
What a woman says:
'This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!'

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

dun understand