ROLL OUT THE BARREL...


Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick *******," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

U2 is known for giving charity concerts, he said that to make people aware of how many people are dying in Africa. The clap means the time get it? Like every second a child dies but this stupid guy really thinks that Bono's clap is killing people or he was just trying to be funny lol. Good joke i must say

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

What's the difference between sex and anal sex?

Sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

First Time
Dave pulled the car over by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember it clearly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed. “Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love?”

“Baaaaa…”

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby.

The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused.

Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely.

After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.

The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled,

"TOUCHDOWN!!"