thanks guys.... more joke scouting on the way
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I was clubbing the other night and I was totally wasted. I walked up to this beautiful blonde and said, "Duck my sick!"

She said, "You're drunk - don't you mean suck my d1ck?"

I puked on her and said... "No!"

Robin's Grave


Robin Hood was lying dying in his bed. He called his merry band together to wish them a fond adieu and nominate his successor. After a tearful farewell and a kiss from Marion he announced that Little John would be the new leader and they should continue with his charitable work.

John stepped forward and thanked Robin for everything that he had done and asked what his final wish was. Robin asked for his bow and an arrow and to open the window. With some effort he pulled back the bow and let the arrow fly. "Bury me where the arrow lands" he gasped and fell back dead. So they buried him on top of the wardrobe.

My wife treats me like a god...

She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before".

"Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can".

I said, "I think my p3nis tastes funny..."

fock yeah

Heavy SM


A friend of mine is into "Heavy S and M." He enjoys nothing better than being beaten up by a vicious woman whilst naked and vulnerable. Anyway, he was telling me that he goes to brothels for this several times a week.

"F*ck me," I said, "that must cost you a fortune!"

"Nah," he replied, "I just book a normal service, f*ck her, then tell her I haven't got any money."

LOL Smart rabbit

LOL @ misfit's jokes awesome

Husband and wife at sofa last night:

Husband: Honey, you remind me of an onion.

Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality?

Husband: No...

Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you'll cry when you slice me up?

Husband: No...

Wife: OK, OK, you'd prefer it if I was battered?

Me: No...

Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering?...

Husband: No...

Wife: Oh, alright, why then?

Husband: You smell of onion.

moar

Few Short Ones


Abra Lincorn Tweets:
The missus is asking me to the theater again... somebody, please shoot me!!


Daddy, why's Mummy no longer with us?"
"Hmm... How do I put this nicely? Well, Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side?"
"That's right! And like the chicken Mummy's gone to the other side aswell."
"Except Mummy only made it about half way across the road"


My friend just updated his status to
"I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is f*cking ridiculous.


I was waiting for my birthday gift when my girlfriend threw me a pile of hard papers.
"WTF is this?"
"eX-box", she replied!

haha the lincorn and ex box thinggy crack me up dude hahaha thx

Artificial "Companion"


I went to the sex shop the other day to buy a companion, I walked in and quickly grabbed the first one I saw. I then went to the counter, paid then left quickly.

When I got home I decided to try out my inflatable love interest so I went upstairs lit some candles then proceed to unpack my holey doll but when inflating my toy I discovered the bloody thing had a pen1s

Angrily I stuffed the doll back into the box and stormed back to the sex shop. I went up to the counter and slammed the box on to it and shouted at the shop keeper "what the f*ck is this?! I bought this sex doll off you and the damn thing has a huge penis!"

He examined it then calmly replies "but sir, your blowing it up inside out"

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather tahn ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6,000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

There was a knock at the door this morning, so the missus answered it and said

"its a salesmen with a bald head"

i said "tell him to f*ck off i already have one".

Pink Ping Pong


A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I.... I........" he died.

@#$%
nevertheless...i LOLed!

dammit, where's the damnating pink ping pong balls?