a variation of something you posted yourself O lil misfit

Deodorant


Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

Haha nice

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

hey dude, thanks for ur 3 years of unlimited jokes supply haha, finally i finished reading it altho there r some reposts...anyway, keep them coming

Gas & Sex


A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy,
Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
"I think that game is rigged, but how come your wife won twice last week?"

it's been so long. it's ok dude. we forgive u for repostas

I macam kena audit
even my wife never checked on me like that
------------------------------------------------------------------------


When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

smart girl huh.

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down, the pu$sy gets wet.

so thats how the pus$y gets wet

This post has been edited by tajul182: Jan 27 2010, 11:50 PM

Well Dressed


What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jan 30 2010, 09:10 PM

Education


The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

no joke for today?

What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?

Kermit's Finger.

OMG, R rated lol

Faster than a tiger
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.

"Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"

"I don't have to run faster than that tiger. I just have to run faster than you.

A pirate walked into a bar...
A pirate walked into a bar, and the barman said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine, now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the barman, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Little Joey
Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked, “Joey what are you doing?” Joey replied, “Teacher, my mommy had me circumsized yesterday and it still hurts.” So the teacher sent Joey to the principal's office to call his mother and ask what he should do.

When Joey came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked, “Joey, what are you doing!?”

Joey answered, “Mommy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here to pick me up.”

Happy Butt
A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

Who's The Baby Daddy
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?”

The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, I'm not your father.”

They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”

Love is Blindness
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.

"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

10 Ways to Annoy Cops
1. Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

For All You Lawyer Lovers
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
Voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on Dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_ ______ _______________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could h ave been alive and practicing law.

Traffic Cop
I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So, I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

Love my pc
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Richard grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

About the Human Body...
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Lawyer Brains
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’

So he asks the man behind the cash register, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?”

The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

The Prognosis
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Fifty-Dollar Bet
This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his d*** in the pickle slicer.

The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.

“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

TECHNICAL DIVORCE!
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

A fishing story
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Wife Hunt
Two guys are pushing their shopping trolley's around a store when they collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like"?

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Guaranteed to work
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

"I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get ndressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY" ... and she acts like she is asleep every time."

Dear John...
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,

Becky



The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope .... along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

Personals
An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section. Reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted:

A tall well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.


Interested? Then please only read
lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327 "

New Recruit
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

Door-to-Door Sales Crap
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.


He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Bad Drivers
Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about 85 mph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it.

Bill turnes to Bob and says, ''What the hell are you doing?''

Bob says, ''Don't worry—my brother does it all the time.'' So on they go, and — bam! — 85 mph through another red light!

Again Bob says, ''Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!'' Then they're driving along and coming up on another red light, and as soon as it turns green, Bob jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!

Bill looks over and says, ''What the hell is wrong with you, you jerk? The damn light is green. Why did you stop?''

Bob says, ''My brother may have been coming the other way!"

Senate Slander
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

President Bush
Man walks up to the White House gate and says to the guard, "I'd like to see President Bush"

Guard: "He's gone"

Next day same man walks up to the gate

Man: "I'd like to see President Bush".

Guard: (somewhat surpised) "He's gone"

Next day once again same man walks up to the gate

Man: "I'd like to see President Bush"

Guard: (now annoyed) "Look , he's gone , I've told you that twice already"

Man: "I know. I just like hearing you say it."

Congressman's Money
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

Cannibal's menu
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00
Fried Explorer: $ 15.00
Baked Politician: $ 100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

A little difference
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to a very attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," Indicating to the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man and
decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million pounds in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return it to the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million pounds in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

New brides
A guy goes to the airport to pick up his new thai bride. They go home and in no time end up in bed having sex.

Afterwards they lay there, the wife stroking his penis.

"You really love that thing don't you?", he asks.

"No", she replies, "I just miss mine."

Surprise Package
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

“Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

Mickey Mouse Divorcing


Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 6 2010, 09:30 AM