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hydroboy87
post Dec 12 2018, 06:43 PM

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Wife is due in June. She is 14 weeks in, and this will be our first born. Kinda excited and nervous at the same time. Been reading through the thread and found some useful info.

Thanks guys.

Oh yeah, was wondering the estimated cost per month with regards to milk, pampers etc once the baby is born.

And how about the stroller and other kinds of stuff that I need to get for my child? Is there like a specific model or brand that I should check out?
hydroboy87
post Dec 13 2018, 03:14 PM

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Yveatel , powerbarr & andrekua2

Wow, guys, thank you so much. Even my female friends and colleagues did not give me these tips and advice.

Appreciate it.


With regards to the stroller, I am not planning to get an expensive one. And based on your input, I think it is not an important item to get.


hydroboy87
post Dec 16 2018, 04:38 AM

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You guys honestly give good advice. And yeah, my mind is clearer now. Not going to buy anything out of impulse. Will wait it out like how you guys mentioned, and only focus on the important stuff.

By the way, how many of you hired a maid to help you guys out with babysitting and house chores? Especially those of you who don't have your parents staying close by?

I am asking because both our parents (my wife and I) are not with us, and they are from a diff state. Plus, they are quite old. The idea of leaving my child at their place; and to travel every week would be extremely tiring and time-consuming. So, I am considering a maid. Not sure if it is a good idea.

Not so confident with other babysitters due to a lot of cases recently.
hydroboy87
post Jan 25 2019, 03:02 PM

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Dear dads,

I would like to ask if any of you know any of you hired full-time maids after you had your first child?

Or just send to the baby sitter?

The reason is my mom and my mom in law are both in Ipoh and they are quite old and hard for them to travel often. And it is also not ideal for me and my wife to drive back every weekend.

So, we are considering hiring a full-time maid or send our child to a reliable baby sitter.

Need some advice on this, and we are aware that Maid Agencies can be quite funny, tricky and super expensive.


hydroboy87
post Feb 20 2021, 11:47 PM

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Dear Dads,

I have posted in this thread previously.
I have been blessed with a beautiful child. He is growing well and will be 2 soon.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my wife has been quite rocky. I don't know who to talk to, and I have been keeping a lot of things inside me, and at times I end up thinking nonsense.. Not sure if I am depressed or it is just frustration.

My wife is probably going through postpartum since the birth of our son. It has been almost 2 years now, and we have zero intimacy and talk less etc.

I have tried my best to be a good husband and father. I am always spending time with my son, and I make sure I help out with house chores.

Both of us are working. However, I have a larger workload due to my position and responsibility at my workplace. On top of that, I am also working hard on my freelance projects. All these, are for my son and wife - for a better future. That does not mean she is not busy. She is too, and that is why I make sure I am always around the house after work and during weekends.

We have not gone out for a meal for almost 2 years. We have not gone anywhere in fact...

We are lucky we found a good babysitter last year who handles our son during the weekdays. And I thought that would really ease the stress on my wife. Unfortunately no.

My wife and I have been together for more than 10+ years.
Since our high school days.

Over the last 2 years, we have argued more times than we have ever done in this last decade, and it really hurts me that we are going through this.

The word divorce often comes up whenever there's a heated argument. And it is just eating me up from inside.

The good thing is we both make sure our son is loved, and we give him 100% of our love. But we are just living as two alien adults in the same house now. I have been sleeping separately for more than a year now. And I can't remember the last time she sat and had a loving conversation with me.

I used to be the one initiating conversations.. but I think I just ran out of steam.

There's no immediate danger in our relationship... but I wish things were back like before. The truth is, I am very, very attracted to my wife despite post-pregnancy, and I love her dearly. Never once have I thought of 'this is over'.

But, I just feel so estranged now, that I feel so left out and lonely. I think I really need someone to talk to...

Apologies I had to vent out here... Not sure if any other dads went through or going through the same situation. I noticed that we, men tend to be silent about these matters and suffer alone.

And whenever we open up, our peers tend to just laugh it off. Or say, it will be Ok

This post has been edited by hydroboy87: Feb 21 2021, 09:11 AM
hydroboy87
post Feb 21 2021, 07:36 PM

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QUOTE(farscope @ Feb 21 2021, 03:15 PM)
ori post truncated.

hi there,

i roughly have the same experience as you. your situation is almost 90% similar to mine, except that my wife is not as severe as yours.

however, do you know the real reason why your wife behave as such? most probably not your lack of effort.

as for my wife, it was mostly due to tiredness from lack of sleep (my boy clings on her at night) and also lack of self confidence due to body (she slim back to ori shape but was unhappy with her scar).

anyhow brother, stay strong bcz i totally know how you felt because i been thru the same phase and my son is now 1.5 years old.

try get someone who can talk to her and see what is her real concern..
*
Hey thanks for replying. The last time I asked her, she gave the same reason your wife gave.

Yes my son does tend to cling to her. And that's where I make sure I too play my part and not let him drain all her energy.

I just keep quiet nowadays and stay away from unnecessary confrontation. I don't ask anything, I don't say much either. She does have friends to talk to. Although I don't know what they discuss about.

Not sure how long this situation is going to continue. I have made it clear to my wife it's not even about sex all the time. I just wish she would sit beside me, hold my hand and talk to me. Not even a hug orr kiss. Haihz.

By the way, I think our sons are the same age. Mine gonna be two soon.

Hope you're managing your situation better bro.

hydroboy87
post Feb 21 2021, 11:06 PM

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QUOTE(Yveatel @ Feb 21 2021, 10:12 PM)
Hi,

I know my wife since Form 6, and now we are both entering 15 years into the relationship. We are married for 6 years now, bless with a lovely daughter and currently, my wife is pregnant.

Perhaps I think it is good for me to point out this:
1) You are too busy
2) You did not spend time with her (vice-versa if she is working during the weekend)
3) You did not have me-time or too much of me-time.

Just my 2cent; even you make sure you are around the house after work or during weekends, what kind of [/B] TIME [/B] you had spent? Is it a quality one, like you are helping with the house chores ( not necessarily mean laundry), or watching TV, or whatever you guys love to do before marriage, or what makes the two of you together in the first place? Is it camping? Is it shopping? Is it trying new food? Is it gaming? Is it the children that both of you like to have around? Not everyone likes to have kids around, mind you. Perhaps you can get some sex toys and add some spice into sex life? I am not sure how you look at it, but bear in mind sex toys may be taboo for some people.

If you are sure it is due to postpartum depression, perhaps you can bring her to see a psychologist.

All in all, best wishes bro~
*
Yes I am busy. But no matter how busy I am, I will always give her a foot massage before she goes to bed. However this has stopped for the last couple of mths as our arguments grew..

TV yes, I did that too. I got board games, but sadly we don't have the time. Sex is like a taboo too her now. Like I said, there's zero intimacy...So sex toy is definitely a no go.
I've been asking her out for almost two years now, and she just doesn't want to.

That's why I'm really lost at the moment. It's like whatever I initiated, gets shut down.

I even tried to explain to her that the baby sitter can help to tc of our son during one of the weekends so we could go out to spend some time together. Also got a no.

I've asked her to see a psychologist, gynae etc. Everything is a no. Hence, I stopped. I don't want to end up forcing her.

Its really driving me crazy. Even this morning while I was sweeping the floor while she was in the shower, I just broke down. I feel so useless.
hydroboy87
post Mar 2 2021, 11:25 PM

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QUOTE(farscope @ Feb 24 2021, 09:56 PM)
i see all u guys are trying to give him the "usual" advices on managing relationship but i think i know how hydroboy feels..

it's not like he lacks effort or what.. sometimes is really just the wife part... the normal things wont work anymore.. sth is holding her back.. unless he/we figure out what is holding her, everything he/we do will not work..

that's y i kinda know how he felt, bcz my situation is the same, but not as severe as his wife.. his wife now is more like total denial and rejection.. no matter how many good things u do or effort u put, to her, it doesn't solve the problem..

yes, probably deep inside her she might realise and appreciate what u did... because truth to be told, not all guys can do the same.. i have seen many families where the husband just couldn't be bothered and let the wife do everything.. but in our situation, we did all we can and in fact, can be said that we did more than what we are expected but that doesn't solve the root cause..

hence, i think... we really need to understand what is she undergoing, psychologically....
*
Thank you for understanding bro. Still trying my best to work things out. I do understand postpartum can be painful both mentally and emotionally.
hydroboy87
post May 23 2021, 12:17 PM

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QUOTE(farscope @ Mar 3 2021, 02:42 PM)
besides u, can anyone else talk to her? does she listen or speak to other ppl? she needs someone that she can talk to now.. obviously not u..

maybe her parents, friends or siblings.. someone that she is willing to open up and tell what's wrong..
then u try to talk to that person and see what can be done..

sometimes, it is just that one particular matter that holds her down..
*
Hey bro, sorry I missed this post. She does text some of her close friends often, and I am pretty sure they are discussing things. Recently the arguments have gone down a lot. But she always emphasizes on house chores not being done. But honestly speaking, I really do my part. Weekdays are tough as I leave home early and come back around 7ish. Weekends, I tend to get up at 6, sweep and mop the house. And even do laundry at times. But somehow she still picks on that often. Anyway, I am glad the worst phase is over, and I believe this will also be over in time. Although, I do feel very isolated. I did mention to her recently that she rarely holds my hand, or hugs me anymore. And she was quiet. I keep telling myself it should her hormones, and post-partum.. or she no longer feels comfortable with her body after giving birth.

Long story short- looks like I gotta wait this out till she gets better. Just sad that a lot of ppl out there do not talk about these issues, especially from the men's point of view. And I am glad I am able to share it here with some of you who have gone through a similar experience.
hydroboy87
post Sep 9 2022, 10:52 AM

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QUOTE(hydroboy87 @ Feb 21 2021, 11:06 PM)
Yes I am busy. But no matter how busy I am, I will always give her a foot massage before she goes to bed. However this has stopped for the last couple of mths as our arguments grew..

TV yes, I did that too. I got board games, but sadly we don't have the time. Sex is like a taboo too her now. Like I said, there's zero intimacy...So sex toy is definitely a no go.
I've been asking her out for almost two years now, and she just doesn't want to.

That's why I'm really lost at the moment. It's like whatever I initiated, gets shut down.

I even tried to explain to her that the baby sitter can help to tc of our son during one of the weekends so we could go out to spend some time together. Also got a no.

I've asked her to see a psychologist, gynae etc. Everything is a no. Hence, I stopped. I don't want to end up forcing her.

Its really driving me crazy. Even this morning while I was sweeping the floor while she was in the shower, I just broke down. I feel so useless.
*
It is me again guys. I previously shared the challenges I was going through with my wife. And sadly, things are not much different this year. Personally I have ramped up my responsibilities in making sure I help out more with house work. However, sex is life is still non-existent. And to make it worse, she doesn't even touch me sexually, and there's absolutely no intimacy whatsoever. We do not have and deep conversations anymore. We are not going out. Nothing. No dirty talk, no jokes

And each time I ask her, she just has a defensive wall, citing tiredness, busy with work. I mean, who is not busy with work. And I do not intend to compare our workloads. Anyway, she does not initiate anything. I am actually very frustrated with all these, and I am not sure what else to. I have slowly began to understand what some men end up violating the marriage rule. We signed up for monogamy. But not for celibacy.

Our son is older now, and it is easier to manage him on our own. Although we are still sending him to the baby-sitter on the weekdays. Despite all these, she still has no mood for any husband and wife time. Next year, we will be sending our son to nursery. I can already forsee the other excuses that may come.

What should I do? Go to therapy and waste money? By the way, we're in our mid 30s, and our issues began right after having our son - only child, and wife does not want another one sad.gif

We've been together since we were teenagers. I can also confirm there's no adultery involved as both of us are working from home and hardly go out.

I really feel like I am going through some kinda of mental torture at the moment. There have been nights were I have cried to bed thinking about this. Like, why do I deserve this? It gets very lonely considering that she is the one person I love with all my heart. But deeply inside, I know I cannot live like this. I am getting older, and I do not wish to waste my life by not receiving any love from my spouse. And the thought of separating is too painful because I do not wish to go through hell, and put my son through hell. He is too young, and innocent.

Any other dads out there who have been through this before? I will really appreciate if you guys could advise me. It's so lonely and I don't know who to talk to. I did try asking some female colleagues previously, without shedding much detail, and they just shoved it aside. Of course, siding a fellow woman. I am not sure if men even talk about this openly.

rclxub.gif bangwall.gif cry.gif
hydroboy87
post Sep 9 2022, 11:17 AM

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QUOTE(whyseej00 @ Sep 9 2022, 11:00 AM)
Your story is very very common, at least in this part of the world. Women's sex drive over here tends to go to 0.

Few options (my take):
1. Go to couple counselling, there are some free/cheap ones organised by Kementerian Pembangunan Wanita, Keluarga dan Masyarakat. Can do a search
2. Find other means to relieve the urges (you need to make your call here) & maintain status quo
3. Leave

Option 3 isn't the best, most go for option 2 (with sub sub options/variables).
Option 1 needs two hands to clap, usually the women are reluctant (most asians are, cause going to counselling means got head problem)
*
Haihz....It kinda pisses me off that women can just sweep this under the carpet. And when things go south, blame the men.

Thank you brother. I will check out Opt 1 for now. I am not gonna lie, Opt 2 has crept up into my head many, many times but I am quite reluctant. But I am not looking to pay to 'release' which is of course the easiest option. I just want love and care. Also, I am not I judging anyone. I perfectly understand why many man go for Opt 2.

hydroboy87
post Sep 9 2022, 04:51 PM

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QUOTE(@lice~~ @ Sep 9 2022, 03:49 PM)
Can women comment on this thread?  tongue.gif  Anyway as a wife + mother, I understand you and your wife's situation. Maybe you need to sit her down and talk like adult and try to understand her problems. Let her talk and you don't interrupt. Then both of you come out with the solutions for the those issues. Remember compromise.

If the above matter still don't work then both you need to get sometime for a date, only 2 of you. Go for movies, dinner, shopping or a night of stay out maybe. Try to have quality time together. Normally after we have the kids we have less quality time together.
*
I am more than happy to hear from women, especially wives who have experienced something similar. I get you and I agree. As I have mentioned, I have tried all of the above. We have not gone on a date in like 4 years. I have tried all kinds of things. The most we have done is lunch during workdays. Which is not romantic at all...And we are unable to leave our son anywhere as we do not have any support system. Both of our parents/inlaws are not in KL/Sel - so it has been the both of us all these while. No one to jaga our son over night. It is such a painful situation.

I have also lost count of the times I have spoken to her. The latest was like two weeks ago. I am with the hope she'd initiate something. Two weeks - nothing. And I have been quite silent and sulking. Still, she is like not bothered or just avoiding.

I am very sure , many men are going through this.


QUOTE(NightFelix @ Sep 9 2022, 04:16 PM)
We are not you. We do not know the journey you two being through together.

But what I can know/understand is a few paragraphs you wrote above. I understand you still love your wife. But what I think is. Now you can try treat your wife as a friend or partner for now. But at the same time, you are trying to go after her to get your attention to be your girlfriend. She maybe need some sort of fresh spark that you both doing when you were young.

I'm suggesting some idea/solution. It may not work, but it worth to try. I do read a lot of women no longer feel love/sex life interest toward their husband after giving birth on Facebook mom group. Is not their fault, is because of hormone issues.
*
I agree, and I have been doing a lot of reading on this topic lately. The most common explanation is hormonal issue and the changes a woman goes through. But what I cannot accept is that, I am being a good husband (again not expecting brownie points here), and I have expressed many times to her that she is very attractive and I yearn for her. Recently I even suggested, let's get an air bnb during the day since baby sitter can only cover during the day time, get a nice place. Spend the day the there, and let me take some sexy photos of you. My intention is to make her feel sexy again... but again, no reaction.
hydroboy87
post Sep 13 2022, 12:22 PM

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rclxub.gif rclxub.gif rclxub.gif

This post has been edited by hydroboy87: Sep 13 2022, 12:24 PM
hydroboy87
post Sep 13 2022, 12:24 PM

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QUOTE(steevan1000 @ Sep 12 2022, 10:41 AM)
i notice from your replies, you mentioned a lot on intimacy/sexual topic.
maybe this is the main reason she's avoiding you, she could be thinking that you only wanna have sex & nothing else, could be the way you talk / do / act / expression.
some women after giving birth, she will feel her private part is not attractive anymore or became ugly, this feeling has huge impact on her self-esteem, so in the end causing her to change & become what she is today.

current condition she doesnt wanna talk / speak to you directly, you can use other methods of communication.
whatsapp messages (typing not voice record), emails, actual hand writing letters.
but avoid mention anything which can possibly lead to thinking of intimacy/sexual topic.
*
QUOTE(@lice~~ @ Sep 12 2022, 02:41 PM)
I agree with this part. You let us feel that we women only your sex slave and nothing else.

Try take thing naturally, like go for dating first eg movie + lunch, some massage and follow the flow. Don't make it like you purposely set it up just for that session - like you mentioned book air bnb and take sexy photos  doh.gif
*
I appreciate the feedback. Both of you seem not to get it. I am not an idiot who thinks with his dick and treat women as sex slave.

This has been on going for about 4 years or so. And no - it is not about SEX. Intimacy - holding hands, hugging, watching movies together, discussing things, playing monopoly or something etc etc. Please understand what intimacy actually means.

We've been together for close to 17-18 years now. We've never had such issues before. I do agree and understand pregnancy changed a lot of things. Yet without fail I tell her how beautiful she is, text, voice notes, verbally.

Foot massages - also yes, very frequent except when things are too cold between us.

Despite explaining, the comments are still swerving towards the female. Can no one see it from a male's perspective?
hydroboy87
post Jan 5 2023, 04:30 PM

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QUOTE(@lice~~ @ Sep 9 2022, 03:49 PM)
Can women comment on this thread?  tongue.gif  Anyway as a wife + mother, I understand you and your wife's situation. Maybe you need to sit her down and talk like adult and try to understand her problems. Let her talk and you don't interrupt. Then both of you come out with the solutions for the those issues. Remember compromise.

If the above matter still don't work then both you need to get sometime for a date, only 2 of you. Go for movies, dinner, shopping or a night of stay out maybe. Try to have quality time together. Normally after we have the kids we have less quality time together.
*
QUOTE(NightFelix @ Sep 9 2022, 04:16 PM)
We are not you. We do not know the journey you two being through together.

But what I can know/understand is a few paragraphs you wrote above. I understand you still love your wife. But what I think is. Now you can try treat your wife as a friend or partner for now. But at the same time, you are trying to go after her to get your attention to be your girlfriend. She maybe need some sort of fresh spark that you both doing when you were young.

I'm suggesting some idea/solution. It may not work, but it worth to try. I do read a lot of women no longer feel love/sex life interest toward their husband after giving birth on Facebook mom group. Is not their fault, is because of hormone issues.
*
QUOTE(steevan1000 @ Sep 12 2022, 10:41 AM)
i notice from your replies, you mentioned a lot on intimacy/sexual topic.
maybe this is the main reason she's avoiding you, she could be thinking that you only wanna have sex & nothing else, could be the way you talk / do / act / expression.
some women after giving birth, she will feel her private part is not attractive anymore or became ugly, this feeling has huge impact on her self-esteem, so in the end causing her to change & become what she is today.

current condition she doesnt wanna talk / speak to you directly, you can use other methods of communication.
whatsapp messages (typing not voice record), emails, actual hand writing letters.
but avoid mention anything which can possibly lead to thinking of intimacy/sexual topic.
*
QUOTE(@lice~~ @ Sep 12 2022, 02:41 PM)
I agree with this part. You let us feel that we women only your sex slave and nothing else.

Try take thing naturally, like go for dating first eg movie + lunch, some massage and follow the flow. Don't make it like you purposely set it up just for that session - like you mentioned book air bnb and take sexy photos  doh.gif
*
QUOTE(steevan1000 @ Sep 14 2022, 10:10 AM)
do you know any of her friends?
or some of her BFF?

maybe you can ask them for some advice or ask them to help with the talking?
did you discussed this issue with her parents or her siblings?
since she clearly doesnt give you any chance of communications, you have to make the talk with her closest relatives & friends
ask those people to do the communications for you
anything you wanna convey to your wife, let those people do the job for you
until one day she opens up to you then you can slowly talk with her directly
*
To everyone who heard me, and responded to me - a million thanks. I did not have any outlet to share my feelings. Here's an update for everyone.

Things have drastically improved. I guess my patience, and persistence paid off. I feel like I have gotten back the women I loved, and married after almost 5 years. What changed?

I guess my wife finally realised that I was drained, and I am putting in a lot of effort in not only raising our child, but also with the house chores, and in providing for the family. And she was being cold for selfish reasons. She certainly took her time, and we did have a talk - like a proper talk where she finally opened up. The combination of being a career driven women, and then having a child did not sit well with her the last couple of years. However, she has come to realise that she is not only punishing herself, but also those around her.

And of course, I have been putting in more effort than before in being a husband and father. It was not a smooth journey, but it is slowly healing. Our intimacy is there and I appreciate each moment I spend with here, although it is not frequent. I have come to terms that it may not be ideal, but I am glad, and happy to have my wife back, and my family together.

The thing I learned is that, being silent, and not talking nor sharing things nor seeking help makes things worse. My wife has her regrets, but boy are we glad we stuck together. End of the day, child is our priority.

Not sure how many daddies/men have been through this, or going through this. But if you are, just talk to your fellow brothers, siblings, or trusted ones. Do not suffer alone. Society sucks as it says men should not whine, complain or cry. Seriously, screw them. Not all men are a-holes, and these good bros really need a shoulder to lean on at times.

Again, thanks to all who listened, and responded. I truly appreciate your feedback.


 

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