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 "You caused this to happen" - I blame my wife

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TSkent_lau7
post Dec 24 2015, 09:54 AM, updated 9y ago

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Blaming is easy, Take control is hard

My story
I have a verbal fight with my wife yesterday evening, then I drove out of my house.
I blame my wife for something she do to me or to my friend.
She didn’t said she don’t felt loved by me before this incident.
She just keep sending message to a friend of mine which she don’t have good feeling with her.
So, we have a fight eventually after she keep doing this to my female friend.
And I started with “You make me angry for doing this to my friend”
And she said “What is wrong for me to sending these message to my friend?”
And I became even more angry and I almost what to slap on her but I didn’t, and I drove out of my house.

Well, sounds familiar?
That’s what happen to me when I blame my wife.
It can happen the same to my team mate, I would blame my team mate, blame my team, blame my government, blame my society, blame another race, blame the social media, blame…
So, did the blame work?
It does work, but not towards my goal in life.
It doesn’t work toward my goal.
If blaming works toward my goal, I should blame.

As I drove inside my car, I turn off the radio, I have my quiet time while in a traffic jam at LDP.
I quiet my mind, I take few deep breath.
So, I began to ask: What is my goal with my wife?
What is really my goal, why is she in my family(team)? Why I want her to be in my team?
I want a happy marriage. Is what I do now (blaming) can reach that goal or it isn’t?
From my past few personal development course, I have learnt from T Harv Eker, KC See and Dr. Ernest Wong that I cannot blame others.

Reason #1: When I blame, it means I am not in control
Reason #2: When I blame, it means I am not responsible.
I am not responsible, then It also mean I cannot control the next outcome.
When I says “You are the one caused it”, I also means “I am not responsible, and I cannot control this to happen again”
When I blame, I cannot control myself to realign to my goal with my wife.

I am blaming my wife and I am losing control.
So I know my state well. I know I need to realign.

The Reverse Blame Strategy
In my situation, I change the word.
Word is powerful. It power my mind and other people mind.
I can drive myself crazy by keep blaming others with full of energy until I die or someone else die.
I can control myself peacefully by changing and saying one word different.
That one word is – “I”
You take responsibility for this problem - > I take responsibility for this problem.
I know it is hard to take responsility when I don’t think I am the wrong party at that moment.
But I choose to change that word “You” to “I”
So “my wife is the one causing this problem to me” to “I am the one causing this problem to myself”
Now I know I am the cause, not her.
Nobody can control my mind when I am not in blaming mode.
That’s what I learnt from my 3 business coaches above.

My strategy to Reverse blaming

I find myself blaming my wife with using the word “You” or “I am not blaming you” +
I find myself in negative emotion, I am frustrated, then I am very angry and I almost explode my mind…

Get out of the space. Turn off the social media, turn off the radio, tv, internet, turn off any distraction.

Take a good deep breath
Quiet your mind.

I began to change the word “You” to “I”
By changing the word “You” to “I”, I take responsible for the problem, situation
By changing the word “You” to “I”, I take control and I have power to change my next outcome

T Harv Eker have this first sentence in a personal declaration he gave me and it is this:
“I create my life”
He didn’t write there “You create my life” or “T Harv Eker create my life”
Because he wants me to take control of my life, he wants me to have the power within myself.

And so I began to relate a song I kept singing this few weeks “The Power of the dream” – in the lyrics, Celine Dion sang this “You find your fate is just your own creation”
How true is that? My life, or my fate is just my own creation.

If I keep blaming my wife today, yesterday, today and tomorrow, my fate is I will sign on the dotted line – sign on the divorce agreement, as I signed on that dotted line, my whole life will collapse, not only my marriage, my business, my health will affected.
As I take control, by not blaming my wife, myself, but say “I am responsible” and “I can change my mind”, and “I can change my situation”, I save my marriage, I save my health, I save my business, and I have stronger will power, and I am powerful and I can realign my goal.
How powerful is that one word “I” in this situation.

I tell this story to inspired other couple who undergo the same situation like me.
I would like to let you know that the journey towards successful marriage isn’t easy, and there is this temptation will always be there and it is – blaming others, blaming your spouse. May this article keep you out of temptation.
Even if you are tempted, you know what to do next – Change the word “You” to “I”.
I create my fate. I create my life. It is not luck, it is not fate.
I create my life, and you create your life.
Thank you T Harv Eker for that little piece of note: “I create my life.”

Syd G
post Dec 24 2015, 12:19 PM

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Nice sharing. Blaming is just focusing the loci of control to someone else.

I like to be in control of my own self biggrin.gif
SUSXnet
post Dec 24 2015, 12:24 PM

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where English went to die
matiko95
post Dec 24 2015, 12:25 PM

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instead u changing to i even doesnt solved the problem.

because 'i' douchebag , 'u' douchebag doesnt matter who they tell.
the person in the tale are always douchebag.

u cant even stop ppl imagination.

so to solve this problem , instead use 'u' or 'i', why dont we use 'we'?


because marriage is about we, not u or i . every single problem come from we
not u or i also..

simple right?

so

we douchebag...
sound we carry the same blame, same burden, same pain...

cc980024
post Dec 28 2015, 09:46 AM

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Thanks for sharing. But I think your sharing is more suitable to be posted under Cupid Corner, as there will have more couples/single who are having relationship problems benefits from this. As to compare parents/future parents who are looking for problem solving tips on kids matters (in which, I think most of the ppl here working hand-in-hand with their spouse to solve problems related to kids... more loving couples here compare those who blame each other).
TSkent_lau7
post Dec 29 2015, 05:36 PM

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QUOTE(Syd G @ Dec 24 2015, 12:19 PM)
Nice sharing. Blaming is just focusing the loci of control to someone else.

I like to be in control of my own self biggrin.gif
*
Thank you, how do you stop yourself from blaming others?

abubin
post Dec 29 2015, 06:16 PM

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your are blaming others for your own doing? Then wanna reverse psycho yourself being the forgiving on by blaming yourself? How? Feel very noble, right?

You are married to your wife or your friend? Who have priority when it comes to relationship? Why do you keep relationship with the girl friend when wife don't like already? If like you said, nothing between you then explain to wife. If wife cannot accept then stop relationship with the friend. Don't blame others then blame yourself then give excuses. It's not all your fault but mostly it is.
Syd G
post Dec 29 2015, 06:52 PM

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QUOTE(kent_lau7 @ Dec 29 2015, 05:36 PM)
Thank you, how do you stop yourself from blaming others?
*
Hmm.. I usually cant change others, so I'd feel helpless and disappointed all the time.

But I can change myself. I'll always tell myself "okay, these are the cards that I've been given. whats the best way to deal with this?". Gives me more control.

Others screw up as well, but I find it more peaceful to always take the high road.

If you're spiritual, believe that God will reward you handsomely for being the bigger person.
andrekua2
post Dec 30 2015, 07:36 PM

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Most of the time I just STFU. No need say anything. When everything calms down, then only talk. No point adding fuel to fire.

This post has been edited by andrekua2: Dec 30 2015, 07:36 PM
champlaos11
post Dec 31 2015, 01:52 PM

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QUOTE(andrekua2 @ Dec 30 2015, 07:36 PM)
Most of the time I just STFU. No need say anything. When everything calms down, then only talk. No point adding fuel to fire.
*
I am like this as well.

Thanks TS for sharing anyway.

Bigger problem for me is the famous issue of wife vs mother sad.gif
TSkent_lau7
post Feb 4 2016, 01:00 PM

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QUOTE(abubin @ Dec 29 2015, 06:16 PM)
your are blaming others for your own doing? Then wanna reverse psycho yourself being the forgiving on by blaming yourself? How? Feel very noble, right?

You are married to your wife or your friend? Who have priority when it comes to relationship? Why do you keep relationship with the girl friend when wife don't like already? If like you said, nothing between you then explain to wife. If wife cannot accept then stop relationship with the friend. Don't blame others then blame yourself then give excuses. It's not all your fault but mostly it is.
*
Your advice is well noted, in fact, that is what I decided to do - stop relationship with the friend.

and my wife wanted me to delete all her message, her contact in facebook, in whatsapp, i did it on the spot.

Now I am happy guy with a happy wife. Life is so good. If I don't do so, my life is in great danger..

Happy chinese new year

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