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 Taking over parenting rights, need opinion

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SUSedwardstevens
post Oct 10 2015, 09:10 PM, updated 9y ago

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i start the tl;dr stort first:

recently i found out that my sister in law and her husband has been neglecting their duties as a parent. they have 5 kids. 3 is still schooling and other 2 is infant. this has been happening for a couple of months now. they (my sister in law and her family) has been hiding somewhere and we couldn't find her.

aftet looking around, i finally found her family and we confront her husband. after some interrogation, it seems that:

1. the husband is not looking for work
2. the husband is smoking syabu (ice)
3. the sister in law is smoking while breastfeeding the youngest child
4. neglecting the well being of their kids. 3 of them is not going to school. only go three to four times a month

after talking to my mother in law and syariah lawyer, i was thinking of taking the kids from the parents and take care of them until their parents change their behavior.

i set up some rules for them to get back their parental rights:

1. both must stop taking drugs and smoking immidiately. go to pusat pemulihan or something
2. both must attend marriage counselling and parenting class
3. both must look for work

my question is:
1. is it right for me to do so?
2. actually we want the sister in law to divorce from her husband but i kinda believe in 2nd chance

btw, i already married and have 2 sons. age is below 5. financial wise, i'm capable.

tq
zeb kew
post Oct 11 2015, 03:30 AM

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Wait, so the drug addict is your brother. After they divorce, the lady will go "who the heck are you to tell me what to do?".

You may have a case against your brother with him taking illegal drugs, but there's not much against the mother. The kids missing so many school days, that's bad. But not bad enough to take the kids from her. If the authorities comes and knock on her door, she'll promise to send them to school everyday from then on.

As for forcing her to stop smoking and start working before you'll return the kids to her, are YOU on drugs? For families with 5 kids and one so young, it's not that uncommon for the mother to stay at home. Unless she has a degree, it's entirely possibly that her salary couldn't even pay for daycare.

If you think it bad that she's breastfeeding and smoking ... how old is the baby? If you take the baby away from her, are you going to breastfeed the baby? The the children prefer to stay with you rather than their own parents? If you separate children that young from their parents for months or years, are you going to be doing irreparable damage?

Are the 5 kids just going to "tumpang" at your place, with an uncertain future, and treated as "2nd class" compared to your own children? What if the parents never mend their ways. Are you ready to adopt them all? You will suddenly have 7 kids instead of 2. You can pay for them now, but can you send 7 children to university? Your children are very young, but how do they feel about these newcomers? What about your wife? With 7 kids now, who's going to look after them all?

You might think "hold the children hostage as an incentive for the parents to change" (well, OK, not really hostage, but you get my meaning), but the parents might think "yay, no more responsibilities, let's go parteee .... "

This post has been edited by zeb kew: Oct 11 2015, 03:33 AM
kokhoe8
post Oct 11 2015, 10:00 AM

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I would like to applaud Edward for being so big hearted to take in those from the in -laws family. being a father myself i know what it means to have more children

the action wise, I would suggest to go a bit subtle. start to contribute little by little, go to their homes often and take the children out whenever u can. let them sleep over if the children wants. going all out and setting rules immediately may set them (the parents) back and create resistance which makes things all worse although ur intentions are noble.
PrincipaliteY
post Oct 12 2015, 11:36 AM

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TS, morally I would support you.
If you see something is wrong, try to intervene before it end up a disaster in the news headlines and u regret doing nothing.
I can only suggest since u decide to intervene, might as well u consult welfare organization to see what are your rights and advices u can get from them.
drexo922
post Oct 12 2015, 01:34 PM

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Hi Edward,
I applaud you as a person with big heart and ready to do what you can to give the children a better life.

While I don't agree with the tone of zeb kew's message, I have to say that he / she asked some valid questions.

You need to consider the impact the changes will have on the children, not just your sis-in-law's, but your own as well. When it comes to prioritizing, I'm sure it will be your own kids that you prioritize so will the other 5 kids feel neglected?

You'll need to be prepared for the worst case scenario, that the parents will never change and they'd be happy to leave the kids with you, as zed kew's had pointed out.

I think if you really decided to take the kids in, be prepared that it's a permanent arrangement. Otherwise, like PrincipaliteY suggested, maybe talking to social welfare organization as they would be in better position to advice.

Hope the kids will have a good future.

p/s: i was a bit confused when you said your sis-in-law's husband, wouldn't that be your brother? then i realized that you meant your wife's sister?


zeb kew
post Oct 12 2015, 04:43 PM

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Well, gotta hit hard. He sounded like he was about to do it already. Make sure he think it through 20 times before actually going and doing it. smile.gif

And yes, wife's sister sounds more reasonable. Wonder why I didn't think of that. smile.gif

I speak from personal experience. I was raised with two cousins. My parents were not prepared to become permanent foster parents. They had thought it would be temporary. But then their parents wouldn't take them back.

I wish I could tell you that our family treated them very well, like they were born one of the children. But that would be a lie. I wish I could tell you that me and my siblings didn't play Cinderella's ugly sisters, but the past cannot be changed. Fortunately, they were both significantly older than us, and we couldn't mistreat them all that much. They bolted as soon as each completed form 5 and could start working.

This post has been edited by zeb kew: Oct 12 2015, 04:52 PM
drexo922
post Oct 12 2015, 10:24 PM

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haha.. it's ok zeb kew's... understand where you're coming from smile.gif

but i didn't know you spoke from experience... yes.. those situation gives me goose bumps...
it's really not going to be easy being foster parents... if their own parents don't take them back and you were not prepared for a long term commitment... being human.. you might feel frustrated and that would be transferred to the kids...

Edward... really need to think this through... smile.gif
SUSedwardstevens
post Nov 26 2015, 03:00 AM

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need to update this thread

- sister in law = my wife's sister

to the guy who afraid i'll second class my niece, don't worry lah. i'm not like the 'parents' you describe. before we (the wife and i) have kid of my own, we already take care of them since the father is always absent. as for my wife, shes been looking after them since they were baby.

anyways, after discussing with my mother in law, we decided that we rescue the sister in law and her kids first since the situation has gone bad. separate her from her husband and we will start a divorce proceeding at jabatan agama using fasakh as a reason. in the meantime, my sister in law will stay with her mother and my wife and i will look over her kids (schools, food or whatever).

we managed to keep my sister in law and 4 of her kids away from her estranged husband. the husband managed to took away the youngest one. we pleaded with him to give back the kid but he turn off the phone and go into hiding. his sister and mother wont cooperate and police wont do shit btw.

yesterday, something unexpected happen. my sister in law with one of her kid went out and meet her husband without telling us. from the last phone conversation, she has been abused by her husband. the phone went dead after that. we made a 2nd police report but the IO not really serious about it. called a favor from a friend at bukit aman and 30 minutes after that, police have detained my sister in law and her husband because both positive with meth.

right now i'm on the way to pick up her two kids. not sure if kes dadah can post bail or not but if can, i'm not sure i want to bail my sister in law
zeb kew
post Nov 26 2015, 11:52 AM

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QUOTE(edwardstevens @ Nov 26 2015, 03:00 AM)
need to update this thread
- sister in law = my wife's sister

to the guy who afraid i'll second class my niece, don't worry lah. i'm not like the 'parents' you describe. before we (the wife and i) have kid of my own, we already take care of them since the father is always absent. as for my wife, shes been looking after them since they were baby.

That'll be me. smile.gif Good to hear. Please make sure you discuss with your wife and kids as well. You're the head of the family and can push through anything you want, but if the others are not completely on board, bad things can happen when you're not home.
QUOTE
anyways, after discussing with my mother in law, we decided that we rescue the sister in law and her kids first since the situation has gone bad. separate her from her husband and we will start a divorce proceeding at jabatan agama using fasakh as a reason. in the meantime, my sister in law will stay with her mother and my wife and i will look over her kids (schools, food or whatever).

we managed to keep my sister in law and 4 of her kids away from her estranged husband. the husband managed to took away the youngest one. we pleaded with him to give back the kid but he turn off the phone and go into hiding. his sister and mother wont cooperate and police wont do shit btw.

yesterday, something unexpected happen. my sister in law with one of her kid went out and meet her husband without telling us. from the last phone conversation, she has been abused by her husband. the phone went dead after that. we made a 2nd police report but the IO not really serious about it. called a favor from a friend at bukit aman and 30 minutes after that, police have detained my sister in law and her husband because both positive with meth.

right now i'm on the way to pick up her two kids. not sure if kes dadah can post bail or not but if can, i'm not sure i want to bail my sister in law
*

Good luck to you.
SUSthe99percent1
post Nov 28 2015, 07:20 PM

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Hahaha.. Wow.. meth up parents are awesome. Rip this family is doomed.

 

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