TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Jul 30 2016, 04:37 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Jul 30 2016, 04:38 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too." |
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Jul 30 2016, 04:39 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die. The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. Where are you? the man asked. Who are you? I am your guardian angel, the voice answered. Oh yeah? the man asked. Where the hell were you when I got married last week? |
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Jul 30 2016, 04:41 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before. One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" |
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Jul 30 2016, 04:54 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? Do you think she would like something electric?"
"Sure," the husband says, "how about a chair?" |
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Jul 30 2016, 05:00 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.” The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!” The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.” The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!” He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.” |
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Jul 30 2016, 05:01 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four." |
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Jul 30 2016, 05:02 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" |
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Jul 30 2016, 05:05 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!" |
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Jul 30 2016, 05:05 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A buyer was considering purchasing an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal.
When the vet had completed his examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse. "Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!" |
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Aug 1 2016, 07:10 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." |
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Aug 1 2016, 07:11 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An old indian, Charlie Two Shirts, came rowing onto the dock on a lake. He tied his boat up and unloaded his fishing box that was full of fish.
The Game warden was standing there and said: "Charlie there aren't that many fish in this lake. How did you get those?" Charlie said: "Oh it is an old Indian method. Come with me and I show you!" The Game Warden got in the boat and Charlie rowed out to a spot. He opened his tackle box and got out a weighted stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it overboard. Moments later there was a muffled explosion from below and several fish came floating up. The Game Warden said: "Charlie it's illegal to use dynamite for fishing. I can arrest your for that!" Charlie reached into his tackle box again and pulled out another stick of dynamite. He lit the fuse and handed it to the Game Warden and said: "Are you gonna fish...or talk?" |
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Aug 1 2016, 07:13 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that they have such different views of sex and relationships.
Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex. Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship. |
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Aug 1 2016, 07:13 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!
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Aug 1 2016, 07:14 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor." |
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Aug 1 2016, 07:16 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A concerned woman phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog!"
"I'm coming over right away," the doctor says. When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door, and her husband, on all four, starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor's hand. "Interesting", the doctor says, startled. "I'll examine him. Make him lie down on the sofa." "Doctor", the woman says, "I can't! He's not allowed the sofa!" |
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Aug 4 2016, 09:08 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him. "So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?" "Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now". "Oh yeah? ... so ...?" "Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained. Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter. "And since dat time I gotta do it dis way". "But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded? "Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ... "Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!" |
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Aug 4 2016, 09:10 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." |
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Aug 4 2016, 09:12 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!" |
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Aug 4 2016, 09:12 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet. |
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