hi all, i know this is a sin, but i cant help feeling this way.

this is probably not the right place to post, but i need to get this off my chest. i dont think im a bad guy n when im in my right of mind i would never think of harming or wishing ill towards others. in fact if and when some misunderstanding or whatever comes up that causes a breakdown in relationship between someone n me, im usually the first to concede and apologize even when the other side is mainly to blame.

but every once in a while ppl deliberately harm me in some way and i lose hope in humanity n become cynical. on the surface i appear normal n unfazed, but deep down i want nothing more than to inflict intense agony upon them and anyone they care about. i wish for bad things to happen to them and even imagine scenarios where they are in great need and i'm the only whos capable of helping, but i dont. instead i just stand there watching, smirking as they slowly drain away..

i know many others probably feel or have felt this way as well; its probably human nature, but no one seems to want to talk about it seriously. i know im sinning, but i cant help but feel the way i do... i start asking myself things like why God doesnt do anything, why he prefers to play the role of the silent observer when things are going to poop, why he doesnt just zap these ppl into oblivion because i know i definitely would and the world would be a better place.

the bible says to forgive, but i find that i have a hard time forgiving these ppl. especially when its something big. sure on the surface ill normalize relations and be friendly, but deep down i still wish them ill. sometimes its not just the actions, its the way they did it, the look in their eye when they did it. their eyes, it conveyed the message like they knew what there were doing was wrong n the pain they would cause, but no sht was given.

then im left mentally hurt while they walk away and forget about the whole thing only come back sometime in the future with the intention of reconciling as if nothing happened or it was something very minor to be swept under the rug and wish for things to go back to the way they were? in these times, i cant help but feel that they are doing this because it is in their advantage to do so and as a result i hate them even more. like theyve taken out massive debt, spent it all, defaulted and a couple years later go back as if nothing happened. but i digressed and having ranted long enough, will stop here.