Things My Math Teacher Did Last Year:
-----------------------------------------------------
1. Forgot how to find the slope of a line.

2. Tried to express the difference between ( 2 Sin x) and ( 5 Sin x) by yelling out what they would sound like if you turned them into sounds.

3. Pointed the overhead projector out the window instead of at the screen.

4. Taught us the difference between vertical and horizontal.

5. Took a little bit too long to reduce 36/108 to 4/12, and just as long to reduce that to 1/3.

6. Made sure that we were fully aware that Moses descended from the mountains with the Ten Commandments and not with the knowledge of how to determine square roots.

7. Brought a rope to class and tried to hold it up to demonstrate different graphs rather then drawing them on the board. Complications arose when she realized that she only had two hands.

8. When a student asked, "Can I ask you a question?" she cleverly replied, "You just did!" Needless to say, no one thought that was very funny.

9. Taught us that a good way to remember what an exponent is is to remember that is has the letter "x" in it. That was the only explanation she gave.

10. Told us that she offers extra credit points for every time you tell her about an "interesting" mistake you made on your homework. She also grants extra credit for not knowing how to do a problem and asking her how to do it. Since these assignments are not turned in, you are rewarded absolutely no points for knowing how to do all the problems and doing them all correctly.

11. This extra credit is added up when, at the end of class, she passes around a piece of paper and you write down your name and how many extra credit points you earned that day.

12. One assignment each week is actually handed in for credit. I answered three out of the five problems incorrect but still managed to receive 9.5 points out of a possible 10.

13. She explained 1-dimensional, 2-dimensional, and 3-dimensional objects. She then portrayed what a 2 1/2-dimensional object was by violently wadding up a piece of paper into a ball and holding it out to us. She later realized that she needed that piece of paper to make copies of the homework assignment for the class.

14. The only reason she was talking about 2 1/2-dimensional objects in the first place was because she thought 1 + 1/2 + 1/2 = 2 1/2.

15. Told us that as the year went on, we'd be learning more things about math.

16. After she illustrated the difference between f(x) = sin x and f(x) = x^2, she advised us to just sit back for a minute and take it all in. So we did.

17. Admitted that half the math problems out there are just impossible.

18. Since homework is due not at class time but at midnight, there is good reason to believe that she lives in her office.

19. Admitted that she doesn't have enough brain cells to know what pi is.

20. Used her superior math skills to estimate that the answer to one problem was somewhere in between 100 and 1,000.

21. Advised us to never ever graph (-3)^x because the result would be way too weird for us to handle.

22. Had the ingenious idea to combine math and gym class, which she demonstrated by moving her arms around frantically so that they looked like certain graphs. No one else did it.

23. The number 3 reminds her of an accordion.

24. Said that math is an escape from the real world and those who do math cannot deal with reality.

25. One of the problems on a past assignment asked us to write an equation that when graphed, would show the emotional ups and downs of a friend.

26. Said that she might have invented the distributive property, but she wasn't really sure.

27. Some students lost points on their homework assignment for using logarithms to solve certain problems because she had not taught us that method yet. Other methods, such as guessing, were accepted.

28. Taught us various ways to use our calculators to cheat on the test.

29. Determined that 2000/400 was "probably" 5.

30. A student raised their hand in class and the teacher called on her by saying, "I have no idea why, but I am so determined to call you Sarah right now." The student responded by saying, "Probably because that's my name."

31. Admitted that she spent a lot of her childhood hanging on to an electric fence for as long as she could.

32. When the word asymptote comes up, she is the one who is quick to point out that it starts with "ass".

33. Asked us, "What's the graph look like for this equation?" When no one said anything, she just started dancing around for some reason.

34. She showed up for class one day and the lights were off. She said, "No wonder you guys are always in the dark." I knew it was going to be a bad day.

35. Said that if we didn't like the grade we got on the test, we could just make our own test and do that one instead.

36. Informed us that while driving, we'd still have to depress the accelerator if we wanted to keep moving at a uniform speed. Apparently it isn't just for accelerating.

37. Has the amazing ability to somehow associate any math problem with the time she went to Australia.

38. Direct Quote: "The facts of life is this is a parabola." I have no idea what she could have possibly meant by that.

39. Showed her mastery of the English language by successfully using the word "maximumly" in a sentence.

40. Told us that it's possible for a math problem to be its own grandma.

41. Asked us if we were surprised when 1/2 X 40 ended up being 20.

42. A student messed up on a problem and told the teacher what she had done. The teacher got all excited and said, "Oh, I like that!"

43. Said that Tuesday seemed like a "bizillion" years ago.

44. Told us that although we understood the problem, we'd probably get all confused again once we were further away from her aura.

45. Said that doing integrals is like driving with a clutch; in that you don't know how it works but you do it anyways.

46. She's a retired high school math teacher.

47. When one student raised both their arms above their head to stretch, she asked the student if he had two questions.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

--------------------------------------------------------
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


-----------------------------------------------

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


----------------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.  "Where are ye callin' from?"


----------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


-----------------------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch!  What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


----------------------------------------------

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.