This is my favourite....

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE...
FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us b****ing about you leaving it down.

2. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

3. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

4. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

6. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

7. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

8. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

9. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

10. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

11. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

12. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

14. You have enough clothes.

15. You have too many shoes.

16. Crying is blackmail.

17. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

19. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

22. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

23. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

24. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

25. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, or Jet Li flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway).

26. Check your oil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

28. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

29. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

30. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle (stare). We're going to look anyway. It's genetic.

33. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

35. If it itches, it will be scratched.

36. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

37. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong.

38. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

39. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that. It's like camping.

=======================================================

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!


This post has been edited by WhitE LighteR: Aug 24 2005, 04:36 AM

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
_________________________________________________

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
_________________________________________________

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a b**** to iron."
_________________________________________________

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b**** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b**** is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

Wow.... the best letter to santa i ever read.....

This post has been edited by WhitE LighteR: Mar 15 2006, 10:03 PM

No... its

Micro = small dic*
Soft = u know...soft... hahaha

Is it??
Hahaha... maybe can be interprate in many ways

What They are Saying on the Internet Automobile Forums

The typical post goes something like this...

Mercedes forum
- My wife and her a-hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Bentley Forums
- I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang forums
-Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
-Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
-Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- Are gas prices going down any time soon?

Pontiac Fiero forum
- Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Buick Forum
- Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- How come people don't never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Columbia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar
- Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mini
- Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLarean F1 forum
-Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
-Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

===========================================================

You might be addicted to racing if:


* You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
* You take your helmet along when you go to a car dealership for a test-drive.
* Every time you go to the grocery store you feel compelled to beat your previous best time.
* When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
* When you hear 'overcooked it,' instead of food you think 'off the track.'
* You change engine oil every other week. You check tire pressures every other day.
* You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
* You once had an argument with your wife over whether you should pay the mortgage on time or get those new heads while they were on sale.
* You push you cart through a proper line in the grocery store.
* You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
* You bought a tow vehicle instead of braces for your kid.
* You and your wife go house hunting and you never actually get inside the house because you're checking out the garage for 220v.
* You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
* Your wife doesn't understand why you need three sets of tires for your car.
* Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
* You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
* You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
* You're registered for wedding gifts with Edelbrock and Griggs.
* Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and aluminum rack bushings and your 'significant other' knows what these are.
* Your home library consists of auto parts catalogs, books written by F1 drivers, anything about Carroll Shelby, and 400 car magazines.
* People know you by your car number or your "offs" -- "Oh, you were the one stuck in the mud in Turn 5 last weekend!"
* Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
* Your friends have never seen your hair actually combed. They only know it's color as "greasy."
* Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
* You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
* A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Corn."
* You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
* You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
* You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
* You can't stand understeer.
* You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
* You hate long distance driving vacations, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
* You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
* You save broken car parts as " mementos".
* You've tried synthetic oil and racing gas in your lawn mower.
* You've tweaked your riding lawn mower trying to improve its cornering ability.
* Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
* You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
* You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots using the Emergency Brake to turn.
* You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
* When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
* You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
* You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
* You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute.
* You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview mirror afterwards.
* After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why, is there a race there?"

============================================================

You Know You've Gone too Far with Your Car When ...

* The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull into their bay.
* You can't drive your car in the rain.
* Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
* You are afraid to drive your car.
* You spend more on tires than on food.
* You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
* You see a picture of your car taped to the bulletin board at your local police station.
* You have to go to the track to buy gas.
* Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
* You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
* You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
* You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
* You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
* Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
* You need parachute braking.
* Your 'Significant other' won't even ride in the car.
* There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
* Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened
* Fuel is delivered to your home in 55 gallon drums.
* You wear earplugs in your car.
* You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
* Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.
* Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.
* Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.
* You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile".


This post has been edited by WhitE LighteR: May 22 2006, 01:37 AM

Not realy from email but since there are no where else to share except to create a new thread so i post here instead.

`Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and
dripping spunk on your shoes?`

The entire sentence above is the title for a song....

It doesnt have to mean that....but its something around that idea. The joke is a bit hanging in the air imho...

PWNed

Erotic is when you use a feather. Exotic is when you use the whole chicken.

Killing Osama Bin Ladeen will only create a martyr.

Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

So, the best action to take is to let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.

Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban!

---

Added on May 24, 2007, 10:09 pm Here's a moral question for you.

This is an imaginary situation, but I think you will find it beneficial to think through this exercise.

The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

You're a freelance photographer for a news service, you're traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes that you can shoot.

You come across Osama Bin Ladeen who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.

You have to make a choice. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question ... and please think carefully before you answer it:































Question : Which lens would you use?

---

Added on May 24, 2007, 10:10 pm
Q: How do you stop a Taliban tank?

A: Shoot the guys pushing it from behind.

---

Added on May 24, 2007, 10:11 pm Osama Bin Laden dies and goes to hell where he is greeted by the devil. the devil tells him, " since you are such an evil son of a b*tch, you get a choice of what you want to do down here but whomever you relieve gets a second chance at life". So he takes Osama to the first room where there is a man digging a hole.

Osama thinks, "im not good at digging" so he asks," what else do you have"?

T the devil takes him to another room where there is a man chopping a tree down with endless trees in sight.

"I'm not good at this either,so what else do you have"?

He is taken to the next room where bill clinton is tied down with monica giving him a blow job.

"Hey, this looks like it might really be fun " he says. "This is what I want"

"Are you sure?" asks the devil.

"Yes! This is definitely what I want." says Osama.

So the devil turns and says "ok Monica, you can go now"

---

Added on May 24, 2007, 10:13 pmhttp://www.liveleak.com/view?i=0db0e1423f

This post has been edited by WhitE LighteR: May 24 2007, 10:16 PM