Mother Said:
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, How many times have I told you--quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!"

MICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: " Mike, can't you paint on walls lie other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!"

GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!"

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!"

And finally...

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Hormone Hostage...
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Some Lawyer Jokes...
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of feces?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his rear.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q:What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
CHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ...(better start again)

What Women Want In A Man:
What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
=========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
=======================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
=========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.