Chee Bai
A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"

"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."

"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."

"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"



Miss Singapore
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Light bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.

Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

Judge: ?????????!!!!

Kung Fu
Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."



Mississippi
A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."




Japanese, Indonesian, & Malaysian
Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.

The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"

But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".

But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".

CUSTOMER SERVICE AT ITS FINEST....





This has got to be one of funniest I've heard of in a long time. I
think
this guy should have received a promotion, not have gotten fired. This
is a
true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a
recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help
desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect
organization for "Termination Without Cause."



Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now
I
know why they record these conversations)!



"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"



"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."



"What sort of trouble?"



"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."



"Went away?"



"They disappeared."



"Hmm.So what does your screen look like now?"



"Nothing."



Nothing?"



"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."



"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"



"How do I tell?"



"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"



"What's a sea-prompt?"



"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"



"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."



"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"



"What's a monitor?"



"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have
little light that tells you when it's on?"



"I don't know."



"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"



"Yes, I think so."



"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the
wall."



"Yes, it is."



"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"



"No."



"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other
cable."



"Okay, here it is."



"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of
your computer."



"I can't reach."



"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"



"No."



"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"



"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's
dark."



"Dark?"



"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from
the window."



"Well, turn on the office light then."



"I can't."



"No? Why not?"



"Because there's a power failure."



"A power...A power failure? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"



"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."



"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."



"Really? Is it that bad?"



"Yes, I'm afraid it is."



"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"



"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Subject: A list of interesting facts!worth a laugh!!!
>Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2003 20:09:12 -0700 (PDT)
>
> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
> > > >
> > > > would have produced enough sound energy to heat
>one
> > > >
> > > > cup of coffee.
> > > >
> > > > (Hardly seems worth it.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9
>months,
> > > >
> > > > enough gas is produced to create the energy of
>an
> > > >
> > > > atomic bomb.
> > > >
> > > > (Now that's more like it!)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > The human heart creates enough pressure when it
>pumps
> > > >
> > > > out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > > (O.M.G.!)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> > > >
> > > > (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > A cockroach will live nine days without its head
> > > >
> > > > before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > > (I'm still not over the pig.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Banging your head against a wall uses 150
>calories an
> > > >
> > > > hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at
>work.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > The male praying mantis cannot copulate while
>its head
> > > >
> > > > is attached to its body. The female initiates
>sex by
> > > >
> > > > ripping the male's head off.
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > > ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
>It's like
> > > >
> > > > a human jumping the length of a football field.
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > > (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you
> > > >imagine??)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
> > > >
> > > > (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a
>pond?)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> > > >
> > > > (I still want to be a pig in my next
>life...quality
> > > >
> > > > over quantity)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Butterflies taste with their feet.
> > > >
> > > > (Something I always wanted to know.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> > > >
> > > > (Hmmmmmm........)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
> > > >
> > > > longer than left-handed people.
> > > >
> > > > (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the
> > > >
> > > > difference?)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
> > > >
> > > > (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > A cat's urine glows under a black light.
> > > >
> > > > (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> > > >
> > > > (I know some people like that.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Starfish have no brains.
> > > >
> > > > (I know some people like that too.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Polar bears are left-handed.
> > > >
> > > > (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
> > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > >
> > > > Humans and dolphins are the only species that
>have sex
> > > >
> > > > for pleasure.
> > > >
> > > > (What about that pig??)
>
> > > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your
>turn
> > > >
> > > > to spread this happiness ,so send it to
>everyone.
>

i got to share this man....
check this out!!!


BLOW JOBS!!!!
>
> > WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
>
> >
>
> >2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
>
> >
>
> >3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
>
> >practice to cum on someone's face.
>
> >
>
> >4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
>
> >
>
> >5. My ears are NOT handles.
>
> >
>
> >6. Extension to r ule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard,
>
> >deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on
>
> >your d***?
>
> >
>
> >7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
>
> >
>
> >8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
>
> >your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
>
> >particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right
>
> >now.
>
> >
>
> >9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -
>
> >if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
>
> >
>
> >10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
>
> >I've just "wrecked it" for you.
>
> >
>
> >11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards
>
> >is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
>
> >future.
>
> >
>
> >12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
>
> >origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
>
> >at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
>
> >
>
> >13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care ab out
>
> >the protein cont ent.
>
> >
>
> >14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs
>
> >often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
>
> >sympathize or brag.
>
> >
>
> >16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
>
> >it good morning."
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find
>
> >someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
>
> >
>
> >2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
>
> >than licking a dead fish.
>
> >
>
> >3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
>
> >you?
>
> >
>
> >4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful
>
> >I'm not pulling your hair.
>
> >
>
> >5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
>
> >way to stop you from b****ing and moaning. Suck it up!
>
> >
>
> >6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need
>
> >all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
>
> >
>
> >7. You b**** about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the
>
> >short end of the stick in flavor country.
>
> >
>
> >8. At least there is no danger of a d*** bleeding in your mouth.
>
> >
>
> >9. Play with the balls.
>
> >
>
> >10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
>
> >
>
> >11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
>
> >
>
> >12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but
>
> >when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be
>
> >"sound asleep."
>
> >
>
> >13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your
>
> >face, now will you?

Difference between boys and girls when getting cash from an ATM
>
>It is true )))
>
>Boys:
>
>
>
>1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
>2- Insert card
>3- Dial code and desired amount
>4-Take the cash and the card
>
>
> Girls:
>
>
>
>1-Drive to the bank
>2-Check make-up in the mirror
>3- Apply perfume
>4- Manually check haircut
>5- Park car - failure
>6- Park car - failure
>7- Park car - success
>8- Search for the card in the handbag
>9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
>10- Throw phone card back in handbag
>11- look for bank card
>12- Insert card
>13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
>14- Enter code
>15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
>16- #Cancel#
>17- Re-enter code
>18- #Cancel#
>19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
>20- Enter desired amount
>21- #Error#
>22- Enter bigger amount
>23- #Error#
>24- Enter maximum amount
>25- Cross fingers
>26- Take cash
>27- Go back to the car
>28- Check make-up in rear mirror
>29- Look for keys in handbag
>30- Start car
>31- Drive 50 meters
>32- STOP
>33- Drive back to bank machine
>34- Go out of the car
>35- Take card back from machine
>36- Go back to the car
>37- Throw card on passenger seat
>38- Check make-up in rear mirror
>39- Manually check haircut
>40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
>41- BREAK
>42- Go into roundabout - right way
>43- Drive 5 kilometers
>44- Remove hand break

This post has been edited by - L e O -: Feb 9 2004, 10:23 AM