Meant to be read aloud (for the full effect).

It's amazing, you will understand what 'tendjewberrymud' means by the end of the conversation.

This has been nominated for best email of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS : "Ow July den?"
G : "What??"
RS : "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "What?"
RS :"San tos. July San tos?"
G : "I don't think so"
RS : "No? Judo one toes??"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS : "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?
Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
R : "We bother?"
G : "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS : "Wad?"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy?"
G : "Sorry?"
RS : "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G : "Whatever you say"
RS : "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "Oh, God. Now, what?"
RS : "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "OH, you're welcome"

hehehe

>|*NaUgHtY PoEmS*|
>
>
>POEM # 1
>
>I like your style
>I like your class
>but most of all i like your ass
>
>
>POEM # 2
>
>Im a cool girl, in a cool town
>it takes a real mother f***er to put me down
>
>
>POEM # 3
>
>Kissing is a habit
>f***ing is a game
>Guys get all the pleasure
>Girls get all the pain
>The guy says i love you
>You believe its true
>But when your tummy starts to swell,
>He says 'to hell with you'
>10 minutes of pleasure
>9 months in pain
>3 days in hospital
>A baby without a name
>The baby is a *******
>The mother is a whore
>This never wouldn't have happened
>If the rubber wouldn't have torn
>
>
>POEM # 4
>
>Guys are like roses,
>Watch out for the pricks.
>
>
>POEM # 5
>
>Smoke a smoke
>Not a butt
>f*** a virgin
>Not a slut.
>
>
>POEM # 6
>
>Sex is bad
>Sex is a sin
>Sins are forgiven
>So stick it in.
>
>
>POEM # 7
>
>Holy mother, full of grace
>Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
>Bless his hair that tends to curl
>Keep him safe from all the girls
>Bless his arms that are so strong
>Keep his hands where they belong
>Bless his d***, the one i sucked
>Bless the bed, in which we f***ed
>And if my Mom happened to walk in
>Bless the shit I'd be in.
>
>
>POEM # 8
>
>Sex is when a guys communication
>enters a girls information
>to increase the population
>for a younger generation
>do you get the information...
>or do you need a demonstration
>
>
>POEM # 9
>
>Men are like public toilets
>They are either engaged or full of shit!
>
>
>POEM # 10
>
>If guys had they periods
>They would compare the size of their tampons!
>
>
>POEM # 11
>
>Mental anxiety,
>Mental breakdowns,
>Menstrual cramps,
>Menopause...
>Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!
>
>
>POEM # 12
>
>Roses are red,
>Violets are corny,
>When I think of you
>Ohh baby I get horny,
>Eat me,
>Beat me,
>Bite me,
>Blow me,
>Suck me,
>f*** me,
>Very slowly,
>if you kiss me,
>dont be sassy,
>Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!
>Poem #13
>
>Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue...
>I'm In Love But Not With You...
>When We Broke Up You Thought I Cried
>But All It Was...
>Was Another Guy,
>You Told Your Friends That I Was A Trick,
>I Told Mine That You Had A Weak d***...
>I Said I Loved You
>And You Thought It Was True,
>But Guess What Baby?!
>You Got Played Too!!
>
>
>Poem #14
>
>Guys are like parking spots...
>the good ones are always taken...
>and the ones that are available,
>are either handicapped or too far away!! *Darny*
>
>Poem 15
>
>Life is like a d***...
>When it gets hard f*** it!!!

way a go LEO

stupid feller

A Realistic Look At Job Descriptions


An ADULT is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS are the only animals you eat before
they are born and after they are dead.

A COMMITTEE is a body that keeps minutes and
wastes hours.

DUST is mud with the juice squeezed out.

An EGOTIST is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

A GOSSIP is a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.

A HANDKERCHIEF is cold storage.

INFLATION is cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

A MYTH is a female moth.

A MOSQUITO is an insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISINS are grape with a sunburn.

A SECRET is something you tell to one person at a time.

A SKELETON is a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

A TOOTHACHE is the pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW is one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

A YAWN is an honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES are something other people have. You have character lines.

A BANKER is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An ECONOMIST is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
.
A STATISTICIAN is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An ACTUARY is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A PROGRAMMER is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had
in a way you don't understand.

A MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which
isn't there.

A TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.

A LAWYER is a person who write a 10,000 word document and calls it
a "brief."

A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.

A PROFESSOR is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A SCHOOLTEACHER is a disillusioned woman
who used to think she liked children.

A CONSULTANT is someone who takes the watch
off your wrist and tells you the time.

A DIPLOMAT is someone who can tell you to
go to hell in such a way that you will look
forward to the trip.

This post has been edited by (N)3: Aug 22 2003, 09:26 AM

i am suprised he didn't wake up

_..--""""""""""--.._
.'` ______ `'. The worried housewife sprang to the
__/ _.-;" ";-._ \ telephone when it rang and listened
(("| || '--------' || | with relief to the kindly voice in
))\_,.-;` .-""""-. `;-.,_/ her ear as it asked, "What kind of
(( | .' .==. '. | a day are you having?"
)) | / /` __ `\ \ |
(( | | | (__) | | | "Oh, mother," said the housewife,
)) _.| \ \ / / | breaking into bitter tears, "I've had
(( /.-| '. `'=='` .' | such a bad day. The baby won't eat and
\'-'/ | '-....-' | the washing machine broke down. I
`"` |'-..________..-'| haven't had a chance to go shopping, I've
jgs | | just sprained my ankle, the house is a
'-..__________..-' mess and I'm having company for dinner."

The mother was shocked "Sit down, and relax. I'll be over to take
care of everything and I'll call Fred at the office and tell him to
go home at once."

"Fred?" said the housewife. "Who's Fred?"

"Why, Fred! Your husband!"

"But my husband's name is Mike!" the housewife sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number," said the voice on
the line.

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean
you're not coming over?"

the last one was funny

Dear IT Support,
>>
>>Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
>>
>>and noticed a slow down in the overall performance,
>>
>>particularly in the flower and jewellery applications
>>
>>that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
>>
>>In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other
>>
>>valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
>>
>>Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such
>>
>>as EPL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and ESPN 2.0. And
>>
>>now. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House
>>
>>Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried
>>
>>running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
>>
>>avail.
>>
>>
>>What can I do?
>>
>>Signed,
>>Desperate


>>Reply:
>>
>>Dear Desperate,
>>
>>First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
>>
>>package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try
>>
>>entering the command C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
>>
>>download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
>>
>>If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
>>
>>automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and
>>
>>Flowers 3.5.
>>
>>But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default
>>
>>to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night
>>
>>Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program
>>
>>that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
>>
>>Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or
>>
>>reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not
>>
>>supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
>>
>>In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
>>
>>does have a limited memory and cannot learn new
>>
>>applications quickly. You might consider additional
>>
>>software to improve memory and performance. I
>>
>>personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
>>
>>Good Luck,
>>
>>IT Support

The Perfect Couple


Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge
bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.)























Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there is no such thing as a perfect man.


**** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.










































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.


Men Keep scrolling








































































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen.

>Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
>Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine
>months!"
>******************
>A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your
>tits on your back?"
>The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a d*** on
>his face!"
>******************
>A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club. She took him to her
>apartment and said: "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!"
>So he ran off with the TV and VCD...
>*****************
>Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
>Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE
>every morning!"
>*******************
>A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and
>blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of the
>baby was SAM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")
>*******************
>A lady visited her doctor one morning.
>Doc said: "You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3
>times a day as I advised?
>Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"
>*******************
>Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
>When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied:
>"MASTURBATING."(master bathing)
>*********************************

>BRAIN TUMOR
>Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
>Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
>Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
>Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
>Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
>Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

>MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
>Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
>Mr. Bean: 9
>Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
>Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the
>answer is 6!!

>WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
>Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
>Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
>Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!

>QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
>Friend: What are you looking at?
>Mr. Bean: I know your PIN number. Hee, hee!
>Friend: Alright, what is my PIN number if you saw it?
>Mr. Bean: Four asterisks!

>MARRIAGE
>Friend: How many women do you believe a man must marry?
>Mr. Bean: 16
>Friend: Why?
>Mr. Bean: Because the priest says "4" richer, "4" poorer, "4" better and
>"4" worse.

>MOM
>Mr. Bean: (crying) The doctor called, "Mom's dead".
>Friend: Condolence, my friend.
>After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
>Friend: What now?
>Mr. Bean: My sister just called, her mom died too!

>MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
>Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hours because
>of a power failure.
>Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too. I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

>SPELLING LESSON
>Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of 'successful' ... Is it one 'c' or two 'c's?
>Mr. Bean: Make it three 'c's to be sure!

Malaysia English vs Britian English ... Who says our English is teruk.
Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.
The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions.

Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are and a long distance call. Make it snappy.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at door) Can or not?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.Malaysians: Shaddap lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Why like that???? (jumping to conclusion)