Stress Reliever #1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
there be greater than this one?"
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my
seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
_______________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
_______________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
_______________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 8
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
_______________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
sleeping with?
Wife replied:
Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 11
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 12
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of
humour.
________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 13
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she preparedtea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter."

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
Listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
To do." The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our porch."

James died instead of him. Who's your daddy?

This post has been edited by tunertoobe: Mar 21 2006, 04:58 PM

>> GOOD REASONS FOR BEING A HONGKIE
>>>
>>>1. We're Hongkies and not Chinese.
>>>2. We can talk and shout and nobody gives a damn.
>>>3. Jackie Chan is our icon.
>>>4. We can live in 5' x 5' cubicle and call it luxury apartment.
>>>5. Our children can speak Cantonese at a young age.
>>>6. We get to blame everything on Feng Shui or Tung
>>>Chee Hwa or the
>>>mainland communists.
>>>7. No one can threaten Hong Kong, except the few expatriate from
>>>Cathay Airlines (Pilots) who are now on strike.
>>>8. Gambling is more interesting th! an ***, that's
>>>why we're Hongkies.
>>>9. We produce a lot of Ms.Hong Kong to the enjoyment of the rich and
>>>famous.
>>>
>>>GOOD REASONS FOR BEING A SINGAPOREAN
>>>
>>>1. We're not Chinese
>>>2. Everyone (especially the Malaysian) hates us,
>>>except ourselves. 3. Famous for Orchard Road.
>>>4. We have our own island.
>>>5. Proud of our world class Airport, world class
>>>MRT, world class airline,
>>>world class telco......score "one" against Manchester United but got 8
>>>in return.
>>>6. We know how to spell 'Salvatore Ferragamo'.
>>>7. We know how to enjoy our vacation in M'sia - keep
>>>a few RM50 notes
>>>before you enter the highway: You can throw anything, anytime,
>>>anywhere and always wash our cars at the resort.
>>>8. The men are always concerned, first question to
>>>ask a girl "Do you
>>>have CPF?"
>>>9. Never fear of getting lost in our country - S$20 taxi ride will get
>> you
>>>into the sea.
>>>10. We! 'll never have to worry about finding Mr or
>>>Ms right coz Govt will
>>>find one for us.
>>>11. 1 Sing dollar = 2.2 ringgit.....nyeh-nyeh-nyeh... 12. It's OK to be
>>
>>>Kiasu. It's part of our culture.
>>>
>>>GOOD REASONS FOR BEING AN INDONESIAN
>>>
>>>1. We are not Australian.
>>>2. We live in the biggest country in South East Asia.
>>>3. No pirates in Indonesia water if you exclude the
>>>Navy and Coast
>>>guards.
>>>4. Everything is cheap, even our salaries....
>>>5. We can blame everything to Suharto or BJ Habibie
>>>or Gus Dur or Megawati or....
>>>6. Only in Indonesia you can get involved in real
>>>demonstrations daily for
>>>different causes and see no results.
>>>7. Our Rupiah is like a Yo Yo, it can go up and down just b'coz IMF say
>>>so...
>>>8. We burn everything and nobody gives a damn
>>>9. We don't need fire-fighters as our neighbours will
>>>provide...
>>>
>>>GOOD REASONS BEING A MALAYSIAN
>>>
>>>1. World tallest Building, Best F1 circuit, biggest
>>>pewter mug, highest
>>>standard of university admission...coz Malaysia
>>>Boleh !
>>>2. We can be driving, picking ! our nose, cursing another driver,
>> talking
>>>on the handphone, adjusting radio and bribing
>>>the cop at the same
>>>time.
>>>3. Divorce by sending SMS.
>>>4. Traffic summoned can be settled on the spot with the cop.
>>>5. Teh Tarek & Roti Canai is the favourite supper.
>>>6. We can save a lot of electricity b'coz our TV
>>>shows are so crappy.
>>>7. We can blame everything on the haze or George Soros or government
>>>or opposition parties or.....
>>>8. Resourceful City Council, one person to drive
>>>the van, one to carry
>>>the ladder, one to change a street's bulb and three others
>>>watching.......
>>>9. We make 2 lane trunk roads into 3 lane highway
>>>and back to 2 lane
>>>when cops are sighted
>>>10. There's always something for the JKR to do. They dig, resurface the
>>>road, dig and resurface........
>>>11. All main roads are designated highway coz it
>>>gives Samy Veloo a
>>>reason to collect toll.
>>>12. Our Govt. can never be wrong.
>>>
>>

HOLY COW.... THE INDIAN ONE IS SURE FUNNY...

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow USD $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a USD $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a USD $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.


Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the USD $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow USD $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for only USD$15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

FTW that story... wahahahaha!

Not sure whether it has been posted before. Anyway, quite funny...

Love Letter from Tijah (BM-English version)


Tijah ingin memutuskan perhubungan dengan boyfriend MAT SALLEH nya....

Dia tak sanggup bertemu muka, Lalu dia pun mengutus surat... surat
tu macam ni bunyinya:

Hi!

My motive write this letter is to give know you something.

I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US. I have think about this very cook cook.

I know i clap one hand only. Correctly, I have seen you and she together
at town with eyes myself. You always ask for apology back back. I don't
trust you again!!!

You are really crocodile land! And you no shy-shy cat walk with her
hand in the town! Many people see you and she together. They speaking
at my back say that I don't know how to rare boyfriend.

My Friend speak you play wood three .. Now i know you correct correct
play wood three. So, I break connection to pull my body from this love
triangle.

I know this result i pick is very correct, because you love she very
high from me. so, i break off to go far from here.

I don't want you to play play with my liver. I have been crying until
no more eye water thinking about you.I don't want banana to fruit two
times ....

Safe walk!

Tijah

This post has been edited by binary: Apr 4 2006, 03:36 PM

haha! direct translation!!!!

My motive write this letter is to give know you something.

I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US. I have think about this very cook cook.
I know i clap one hand only. Correctly, I have seen you and she together
at town with eyes myself. You always ask for apology back back. I don't
trust you again!!!
You are really crocodile land! And you no shy-shy cat walk with her
hand in the town! Many people see you and she together. They speaking
at my back say that I don't know how to rare boyfriend.
My Friend speak you play wood three .. Now i know you correct correct
play wood three. So, I break connection to pull my body from this love
triangle.
I know this result i pick is very correct, because you love she very
high from me. so, i break off to go far from here.
I don't want you to play play with my liver. I have been crying until
no more eye water thinking about you.I don't want banana to fruit two
times ....

Safe walk!

Saya hendak memutuskan hubungan antara kita. Saya sudah berfikier secara masak-masak. Betul, saya sudah ternampak anda berdua bersama-sama di bandar dengan mata sendiri.
Kamu memang buaya darat! Dan kamu tidak malu-malu berjalan jalan memegang tangan di bandar. Banyak orang telah nampak kamu dengannya. mereka cakap di belakang tentang kenapa saya tidak tau memelihara teman lelaki.
Kawan saya cakap kamu main kayu tiga. Sekarang saya tahu bahawa itu adalah betul. Jadi, saya memutuskan hubungan peribadi daripada segitiga percintaan ini.
Saya tahu bahawa keputusan saya adalah betul kerana kamu menyayangi dia lebih tinggi daripada saya. jadi. saya ingin menjauhkan diri dari tempat ini.
Saya tidak mahu kamu bermain dengan jantung saya. Saya telah menangis sehingga kehabisan air mata berfirkir tentang kamu. Saya tidak mahu (what the translation for this part??)

pisang berbuah dua kali?

btw, hati /= liver?

1) Those who wants to learn listen; those who know it all interrupt.

2) When speaking to your children: say what you mean, mean what you say, but dont be mean when you say it.

3) APPLE = Arrogance Produves Profit-Losing Entity

4) Two things are sure in life: There is a God , and you're not him.

5) You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same.

6) Who says nothing is impossible, I have been doing nothing for years.

7) You won't care what people thought of you if you realised how seldom they do.

8) Those with the best advice usualy offer no advice.

9) Those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it.

10) you are getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

11) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

12) To be content with little is hard; to be content with much is impossible.

21st Century...

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less !!!

haha good one!

dunno if this one has been posted before. Got this from website few days ago. I re-write it since i forgot the website name


BILL GATES IN HEAVEN

One day Bill Gates died and to everyone surprise, went to heaven. Heaven was not like what he had expected. He has to wait in "Heaven's Waiting Area" for his turn. It's an area consists of thousands of people and he has to stay in tent for 3 weeks. After which, a young man with a T-Shirt labeled "Team Peter" go and see him.

Man: Hi. My name is Gabriel from Team Peter. No no.. I know what you're thinking about but i'm not Gabriel the Archangel.

Bill: Is this really heaven? Where's St. Peter? Where's the pearly gate?

Man: Geez.. You should consider this. Right now earth has almost 6 billion in population and regardless of the time zone, they have about 10.000 deaths every minute. When God said "go forth and multiply" He didn't mention "like rabbit"!! So since it's impossible for St. Peter himself to meet all those people, he franchised his business to us Team Peter. Now he's sitting in the headquarter thinking about the next business expansion.

Gates: But what take it so long? I've been waiting here for ages

Man: Yeah.. you have to fill up the Heaven Registration Form, understand the privacy policy and the terms and condition. After that then only we can proceed your form. As you see, everything is a paper-based here. Anyway let me check your identity. Your name please? Surname first

Gates: Gates, Bill

Man: Ok let me see... OMG!! You owned a pretty big software company in earth isn't it? We've got a job for you here!

Gates: Yeah but what do you mean with job? Do we need to work in heaven?

Man: Of course!! There's no free lunch. You go to counter #23 to see Abraham. No no... not "that" Abraham of course.

So after walking for miles, Bill Gates found the counter #23 he's been assigned into.

Gates: Hi. I'm Bill Gates and this Gabriel fella told me you might need me.

Abraham: Oh yes yes. Ok let's get to the point. I want you to become the coordinator of our new information center. As you see, everything up till now is using an ineffective paper method. So we have this new information center where the heaven registrant could send their registration by email. Come with me. I'll show you.

After walking for a while, Bill Gates saw a very big information center. Even bigger than the one he had in Seattle. There are countless rows of supercomputer and sophisticated network architecture.

But after looking around he realized that everything is running on MACINTOSH!! Feels like he can't stand spending the rest of eternity with a product from company he had been trying to crush for his entire previous life, he asked to Abraham.

Gates: It's amazing but why did you run Macintosh here? Where's Windows Server? Where's Microsoft Office? Where's Internet Explorer??

Abraham: Of course!! We run macintosh here because it's Heaven here. If you want to find microsoft-based system, GO TO HELL!!


---------------------


BILL GATES MARRIAGE

One day Bill Gates get married with the woman who is now his wife. When they made love for the first time, then only his wife realize why he named his company "Microsoft"


---------------------


TWO MINUTES AGO

Bill Gates died and he was rejected to enter heaven. St. Peter says that he has nothing good in his life record. He tried to crush many company and thus create unemployment. He was greedy enough to try to dominate the world's PC market. These are followed by numerous sins and no good deed at all. Hearing this, Bill Gates get angry and argue, "I also have some good deed in my life. One day i was driving in my car when i saw this young girl was about to be raped by a gang of around 20 people. I stopped my car. I found the nearest stone and i throw that stone to the head of who i think is the gang leader. As soon as he turned his head, i kicked his balls and when he was down, i stepped on his face and split it. I was then tell the rest of the gang member, 'Who dares to face me may step forward! I'll kick his ass right away'". Impressed by the story, St. Peter checks his file again and says, "That's impressive. When was that happen? I can't find it in the file".

Bill Gates says, "Just two minutes ago".


---------------------


IMPRESSIVE WRITER

There's this one young writer. His dream is to write something that will be read by millions of people. He wanted to be able to bring up people's emotion with his writings. He would like to see people screaming, crying, wailing out loud upon reading his writings even if it's just a short one.

He's now working in Microsoft writing the error message.


---------------------


QUOTE OF THE DAY

One Apple a day keep Bill Gates away


---------------------


Hope you enjoy it the way i do :D

hahah "Mi cor soft"

No... its

Micro = small dic*
Soft = u know...soft... hahaha

Sin Ga Po Jokes and Humor

Ah Lian asked shopkeeper, "Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?"
Ah Chek replied, "Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only,
where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"

Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored
the accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!"
screamed Ah Beng.
"Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"

The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy
water to make room for women and children.
To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up
with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."

Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and
wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti"
(In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to
re-select another song.
The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming the DJ
was insulting them.
The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down.
Finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that
they were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous
Brothers.

One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted
to get down to the ground floor.
As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2.
It was then followed by a G.
As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea
what does the letter G mean.
Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.
When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so
impressed and asked the first Ah Lian,"Wah low!!! How you know one?"
The first Ah Lian replied smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."