Tell me honestly of what you think after reading.

It goes like this,

I just had a breakup with her, and a 2 years and 7 months relationship has ended. No, we don't have a fight or any third person. No, we broke up because:

1. Long distance (one of the reason but not THE most important)
2. She had more close friends and busier days after moving to a new place (she was living in the university apartment before that but that time she wasn't as close to her room mates as the ones she have now so almost anything that happened in her life, she will talk to me about it) but ever since she got to the new place and the close friends, we talked lesser and lesser, I figured that because she was surrounded by good trusted friends, she shared what she would've shared to me about her life to them - meaning the position that I have in her heart has been replaced by friends, assignments and church duties.
3. She said we couldn't talk face to face, heart to heart and feel like I couldn't join in her life and she mine. She feel very far from me.
4. She was feeling guilty everyday because she feel like she didn't have time for me, and she did forced herself saying its ok, she still want to maintain. But in the end, its just to painful for because she really didn't want to hurt me.

She confessed all these to me and because I really love her, I didn't want her to suffer so much because of our relationship, so that's where we decided to put an end to our relationship, and tell me that we can still be friend. It was the most beautiful relationship I've ever had, and we were so sure we're going to get marry in the future, even both of our parents really like us being together. But then again, life will not always go the way we wanted it, ain't it?

The thing is, after the breakup, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about her. I really miss her to the point it was to painful for me to even saw her online on facebook. I would have urge to find her. I've tried forgetting about her and moving on. But after some while, I've thought of lot of things, I've decided that I don't want to lie to myself any more, I still love her. And I confessed to her that I still love her but I would not force her to come to me. I've never even utter a single word of reconciliation. I said I am willing to be friend with her and she said she won't take back the break up but she don't mind being friend.

So, we turned back to normal friend. Or so I thought. So I tried to find her to chat (as a friend, honestly. And I've thought she had gotten over me since she seems to be so happy when I see her posts or life events on facebook), but to my astonishment, she replied so coldly. E.g.

Me: Hey there =)
She: Hi
Me: How's life?
She: Like that lo
Me: Oh, bla bla bla bla (I would ask some thing that friend would ask, like exam's coming, stress or not like that)
She: Okok lo (the famous 2 words reply)

I was like what the heck? She said she was ok being friend, but why the cold shoulder, treating me like a stranger. I did ask her before about this, but she said she didn't have, she said she is treating me normally. I am very sure, it can be anything but definitely NOT normal. So after the cold treatments for some time, I've decided to call her up to listen to her explanation. After denying for some time, she finally confessed that she hasn't gotten over our relationship, and she need time to recover to normal friend state. But she said I've keep finding her on facebook chat, and it annoyed her. I was like "What?! Seriously?". To be really really honest. I hardly find her to chat at all, and she said I was still treating her as my lover and that made her feel very uncomfortable and pressure. But I did not, neither do I even have the intention of treating her as girlfriend, sure I still do love her, but I know what I was doing was not showing affection of love toward her, none. I told her I am treating her just as a friend would do, and I told her the conversation topic I asked can easily be the common-est between friends, and she hardly even reply me. That's when I got frustrated and I told her that I know when she is chatting with her close friends, even a single "how's your exam preparation" question can turn into an hour long chat but the way she is treating me now are totally like a stranger. After the argument she said she was tired and hurt and she feel that I am giving her a lot of pressures. I knew things gonna turn into a mess if I don't stop. So I stop and apologise to her. Feeling like I've put the final blow onto our relationship (what's left of it).

I just feel really bad putting all my anger and frustration on her, but I couldn't stop myself. So was what I did right, or I am plainly a jerk ?

For TL:DR, sorry for the inconvenience but I really need to write it this long. So if you have time to read it, I would really appreciate it, if not, thank you for passing by.

This post has been edited by lazycat29: Oct 29 2012, 07:46 PM

ok liao time to move on

forget and treat her as stranger....gone is gone

erm, for now I probably still in between denial and grief state ba. Need some time. Thanks

read more bible, it helps.

yeap, it really does. I really feel I've grown closer to God after the breakup and His words comforted me until now. Just that some time I really weak and I fall down. This is one such time.

i din know the effect can go so deep, god bless

Ofcourse it does, I've only broke up with one single person, but for God, everyday there are thousands of people who He love so much break up with with Him. Who else can understand better of the pain of break up or lost of love one but Him? I just feel ashamed that I fell down, and treat the one that I love with anger and frustration. sigh

This post has been edited by lazycat29: Oct 29 2012, 08:23 PM

time to move on, even christian also human-made feeling.
before is before, now is now. Remove FB friendlist, stop contact her, it made u feel better. If not, ur feeling will slowly turn into anger and many thing will pop up again

why are you pissed off if you are just another friend. See? You expectation on her is putting pressure on her. When she doesn't meet your expectation; you blame her.

Where is this going? What exactly do you want from her? When a friend needs time; give time. When a friend need space; give space. Friends come and go. Nobody owes nobody shit. Because of unnecessary pressure you putting is really annoying and she explicitly said that. Sink that in your head and maybe you still have a chance in future.

Else, you will be just another friend that just left.

You're possessive even when you're no her bf, lol.

The way I see it she's treating you the way you deserved to be treated, with ignorance.

I don't think you're the jerk in this situation. You say you hardly chat with her and that's fine as long as you don't keep pestering her with those.

She's just not over the abrupt change yet so she's giving you the cold shoulder. It's actually hard to "remain friends" even after you've both broken up on good terms. Conversations will seem awkward and just weird because you(or she) isn't used to it. Usually, over time(and a lot of time) you'll both either be able to talk normally again(slim chance, rarely happens) or stop talking altogether (which is usually the case) eventhough both of you promised to "remain friends"

I hope it won't turn into that. Just that for now, I just feel bad, really. And I can't help but hope for the better, though I know this is just a delusion since I am in the denial state. It will go, I just need the time, a long one maybe.

I see, yea. I think u really hit that spot, its just that I was too frustrated that time and anger clouded my mind, + I was confuse about the way she treated me. So I am the one at fault here. Thanks for your direct word

Possessive? Mind to explain, because if anywhere in the story stated that I was possessive, I want to think on that action. Thanks a lot

I hope we won't go to the latter, because even if we are not lovers any more, I know in my heart she is really a good person, even as a friend. Because we did have a time when we were good friends, great times.

This post has been edited by lazycat29: Oct 29 2012, 11:52 PM

You wanted to control her response to you, isn't that possessive?

I see, maybe you are right. Maybe I was expecting something from her,maybe to make myself feel better, and that is quite selfish. And quite stupid too thanks for pointing it out

this very true.
+1

After few months s he will move on and you will see she posted pic of her with good friend and voila, a pic with guy...

I have been there in this situation... In fact, much worse than you.

,ove on, don't find her anymore, even you do, just once a week or once every two week.

[quote=SGSuser,Oct 29 2012, 07:58 PM]
ok liao time to move on

move on, focus on your study or work or whatever

[quote=blueblueoutofblue,Oct 30 2012, 07:49 AM]
After few months s he will move on and you will see she posted pic of her with good friend and voila, a pic with guy...

I have been there in this situation... In fact, much worse than you.

,ove on, don't find her anymore, even you do, just once a week or once every two week.

[/quote]

With another guy? Hmm, for now I may not be able to accept it that is the case, but still I will wish for her happiness. Just hope I have the strength when such time comes.

[quote=Nexxon,Oct 30 2012, 08:44 AM]
[quote=SGSuser,Oct 29 2012, 07:58 PM]
ok liao time to move on


[/quote]

In time bro, in time.

[quote=shinkawa,Oct 30 2012, 10:13 AM]
move on, focus on your study or work or whatever

[/quote]

I hope I can focus on study, but tomorrow will be the last exam for this semester of my university, then a very long long holidays till next year. Very bad, cause will have too much free time

Go volunteer, it will give you a lot of new perspective about life and chances to meet new friends.

You are jealous of her friends, her church activities and her active social life. These things make her happy. What kind of boyfriend gets jealous of his girlfriend being happy?

I see, do you have any example? I not so knowledgeable about the volunteer activities. Thanks

I see, but to tell you the truth, I did not get jealous of all of that, in fact I encourage her to do all those. And yes as you've said, I know those things were what made her happy, and her happiness is all that I want to wish for. But because of that, she told me I couldn't join in her life. Why you say? Let me tell you:

In the morning, I will text her morning message as anyone would normally do, and she would start her long day at campus, and when she had a break, we would have a little chat for like around 2-3 minute before she went on and join her friends for lunch. Then she would be back by evening. By that time, she would be busy preparing dinner with her house mates. After dinner, after a short sms-ing, she would want to start her study and doing reports/assignments (if you ever study in local university, you know how insanely many the workloads are), so I know she will be very busy, I tell her do it, I will give her my support quietly. After about a couple of hours doing them, she would be totally stressed out, and maybe you thought this was where I come in but no, its not. She would tell me its running man time, she really love running man. This tv program really make her laugh a lot and that would make her forget all the stress. By the time she finished watching it, it will be around 10.30 pm, most of the times. After that, you think maybe its time for our sweet good night talk eh, no. Since all her house mates were girls, and the house has theft happened a few times, the church pastor was worry about their safety and ask a few church brothers to go over their house and kept watch. And the brothers are her friends. And they usually bring over board games such as monopoly. So come back to the story, after finishing running man, she will tell me that her church friends have come to watch over their house, and she want to join them in the board game, and she like to play it, its funny, she said. Seeing her happy playing with them, for me, even though I really miss her and want her company, but I tell her to go and play with them because I know how much I love seeing her happy. And that usually will last for a couple of hours as well since if they finished playing, she, her house mates and the church friends would chat together. By the time she's done with all that, it would be around 12.30 am, and she will need to sleep because class starts at 8 in the morning and she need to wake up at 7. So we will just say good night.

These were the routines until the day we broke up. And then she told me that I can't join in her life. Tell me again please, that I was possessive, that I was jealous of her.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be sarcastic. Thank you for your reply

This post has been edited by lazycat29: Oct 30 2012, 02:23 PM

You are possessive. You are jealous of her.

What, you think you're not?

Let me ask you, how long did it take you write that big long paragraph up there? You wrote it very fast, didn't you? It all came out in one sustained burst of anger and resentment, didn't it? You were practically banging the keys, weren't you?

You are angry at her newfound social life. You are angry at her favourite TV show. You are angry at her church friends who get to spend time with her and make her happy. You are angry that her church friends are guys. All this is damn obvious from what you've written. You think it's not?

Even more so when you say things like the bolded parts. I'm sorry to say no, I didn't think any of those things. I have never thought it necessary to SMS my girlfriend every morning when I wake up, or to have a "sweet good night talk" every damn night. You think these things are normal? You think every couple must do them? Wrong. Only you think they are necessary, and I'm betting she doesn't think they are anymore. I bet she feels damn fed up being forced to report to you 3 times a day on the dot.

You thought you must be the only source of comfort and happiness in her life. You expected her to talk to you and only you when she's stressed out. Even now, when you're trying to be just friends with her, you expect her to conform to your idea of friendship.

To tell you the truth, I was really heat up when reading your reply, but when I think of what you said, I can't deny it. What you said is correct. I've never thought it up that way, maybe you are right, I was angry, angry of her new-found life, friends and comfort source that was not ME, I kept on focusing on ME. I've never really stand in her viewpoint, what she was feeling, thinking. Damn, ain't I the freaking selfish *******? But I am really sorry, I just couldn't help it, you know. And about the reporting, its not me that initiate it, its her suggestion, she told me that we need to keep communication but then she also need time to do her thing so she ask me not to find her first but she will take the initiative to find so that she wouldn't be bothered when she is busy, and I agreed. (I am not sure if this is even right, I just don't know)

"You thought you must be the only source of comfort and happiness in her life. You expected her to talk to you and only you when she's stressed out. Even now, when you're trying to be just friends with her, you expect her to conform to your idea of friendship."

I used to think like that, that I am the only source of comfort, but I know I am not. I thoroughly admitted that, because I knew for sure I am not the only one, there are a lots of people and things and God who can be the main source of comfort to her. About the latter sentence, it really hit me hard. Because even I pains me to admit it, its true what you said. Why am I still doing that? Putting the pressure of my expectation onto her? What right do I have? Who the heck am I anyway to do that? Damn....sigh...

But friend, I really thank you for your unbiased reply, I really do. I felt like you really do understand, like you've had experienced it before.

top part of your story shows that she got lots of excuse
means she dunno what she wants.
move on
this kind of person not worth your time
find someone who wants you
then live happily eer after
not linger around sulking for some bad apple

thats why i ask u to read bible

Try this as there's a list of NGO for volunteering work, pick and choose whatever that interest you.
http://beta.dogoodvolunteer.com/

It's not easy yo just simply let go, I know I must no matter how. Just that I need some time. Thanks for ur reply.

I did bro, is there any books or chapters in the bible that you can suggest to me? Thanks

Really thanks bro, I'll try to find those after I finished my exam.

Read about Adam and Eve, the true nature about women is laid out plain and simple right from the beginning.

Honestly, reading a Bible is a real boring chore. Without context or theme, it's basically just bulldozing through a heap of text.

But then again... I do read only the King James version.

I see, thanks for the suggestion.

Yeap, I need to read those that related to what I am going through now.

You are not being possesive. You can't let go of her, simple as that.

Aiyah, you say you both break up, then have a clean break up lah. Where got such thing, as still be friends and chat over facebook?

Gosh. Its not like Julia Roberts in "My Best Friend's Wedding". Things like this only happen in Hongkong TVB and Hollywood lah.

Move on lah...forget about her...

Church got many other girls, go after them loh.

Haha, I hope it will be as easy as you say bro. When you already loved, you can't just stop loving anytime you want to, its not that easy. It takes time, I am currently coping with this loss, and I need time, only God knows how long I need.

Seriously why bother anymore if the other party is trying to give you a cold shoulder. There are many more girls in this world other than her. If you think you're a good bf, have confidence in yourself and dont lose your self-esteem. She value her friends more than you so what???Fine , let her be. If she cant prioritise you now, what makes you think that she can prioritise your own family in future if both of you decide to get married 1 day. Got baby already then chuck baby to you, she herself go shopping with frens??? You can tolerate it?? Ask yourself properly.

About the reporting thingie, just need a few seconds to reply 1 sms; not much, if you're busy, just say u're busy with something, at least you tell your partner so that ppl no need worry about you. If like that also cannot do, you can conclude that she cant even spare you few seconds out of 24 hours in a day. So where do you stand in her mind ???

My way of thoughts is, you need to find someone more compatible with you and can share everything with you.Dont try too hard to adapt to people's lifestyle ,just move on , until you find a suitable one for yourself. Dont think you're playboy or what for this act as "Love cannot be forced". From my past experience and even with frens, most of them did not marry their first love as their wife.

Sometimes, dont try too hard to become too understanding. Deep inside yourself, you're suffocating. You cannot afford to be too kind and tollerant. Admit it and reality is harsh anyways. Believe in yourself and improve in other aspects. Go find a better girl who gives you a higher priority in her life not just adapt to her style. You dont owe anyone anyways . Remember that.

I am having an almost same problem with you.
What you need to do is get ur time filled as much as possible socializing with frens, exercising, hang out or whatever.
When you are alone, you should face the pain and try not to avoid it (but keep this time as minimal as possible)

I totally know how you feel... As im going through the same pain... those sudden emptiness & loneliness.

Maybe for now I just feeling to bad and sad about our relationship since I've put in so much effort in it, she did too. Its like you almost reach the top of the mountain after climbing it for a long long time and endured all the hardship and sufferings during the climb, then just before you reach the peak, something happens and you are forced with no other option but to give up going to the top and go back all the way down the starting point. But I get what you mean, I did realise I wasn't her priority at all, I don't mean the selfish way, I am happy to be put behind God, Family and Friends - at lease somewhere between family and friends because those are my priorities too, but I simply didn't feel it that way, I feel I wasn't even included at all. But is she to blame, I don't think so too because I do understand everyone has their own life their own dream to pursue. sigh, actually I don't know what am I suppose to think too. But thanks for your word of encouragement friend, appreciate it

Take care too bro, maybe God let me open this kind of thread to help you too. Read along all the replies from the members. I hope they can help you as they have me. If you are Christian, kneel down and pray to God. This is a time when you need to be closer to Him.

Alamak. I thought you christians teach people about how to rejoice in suffering, not to look at your current troubles - look to your god and your eternal salvation and then submit yourself to the will of your god.

You really not walking the talk, man. You let yourself bothered by this girl. Man up lah. Get over it.

There are many other fishes in the sea. Start fishing.

Hmm, rejoice in suffering and look to my God then submit myself to His will. Yes, you are correct friend, thanks for reminding me again. I always forget that all that have happened, happened because its in His plan, and His plan is for me to become better because He knows what I need and whats best for me.

I do hope won't reach that point, thinking optimistically. But whatever will happen in the future, I won't know, so let's just see what each step brings us then. Thanks for your reply

Yup, a certified jerk.

I see, thanks for your direct word. Apologize to you anything in the story offended you ya

I didn't even read LOL

It's okay, thanks for passing by this thread anyay.

You have done it correctly, must scold her once to kill both ur relationship

I thought like that before, feel angry about what she'd done to our relationship..but you know, were all the faults hers? I just can't bring myself to put every faults on her, because I understand very well, given the situation where she was and what she was going through, I just know something just couldn't be forced. It's a very important period for her, and I know deep in my heart, a relationship are not the priority or most important thing in her life now, maybe in mine as well. We are both still very young and there are just too many things that we would lose if we keep on struggling and forcing ourselves in this relationship and love is not meant to be forced. Maybe this is what God wanted me and her to know, that this is still not our time to be committed in a relationship, we still got a long way to prepare ourselves, prepare so that one day we will be matured enough to handle relationship and life commitment. I do pray everyday that one day we will be together again, but the future is not in my hand, its in God's, and so I choose to obey, I know He already have the best plans for me

And thank you for your reply, friend.

---

Added on October 31, 2012, 7:58 pmMany thanks for all the replies from you guys, I know what I should do now. May God bless you, the angels He sent to guide me.

I'll be closing this thread then.

This post has been edited by lazycat29: Oct 31 2012, 07:58 PM