1. Kim plans to solve North Korea's famine by breeding giant rabbits. In 2006, Kim finds out that there's a guy in Germany who breeds giant rabbits. Seriously huge rabbits. Like, rabbits the size of dogs.



And Kim just becomes enamored of these, to the point where he decides that giant rabbits will be the solution to his country's widespread hunger problems.

So Kim gets in touch with 68-year-old Karl Szmolinsky of Berlin, the world's foremost breeder of giant rabbits, and says he wants Szmolinsky to come to Pyongyang and set up a farm to breed these rabbits. For Kim believes that the meat yielded by these rabbits will end his people's starvation.

Szmolinsky tells Kim this is, quite frankly, the dumbest idea possible. These rabbits only yield about 15 pounds of meat... and they have huge appetites... so they eat way more than that in carrots, potatoes and other vegetables. If anything, breeding giant rabbits would make the North Korea hunger situation even worse.

Undeterred, Kim pays for 12 rabbits, at a cost of about $115 each. He tells Szmolinsky that the rabbits will be kept at a petting zoo in Pyongyang and, in a few months, Szmolinsky will be flown in to help really set up a farm for breeding.

In February of 2007, about five or six months later, Szmolinsky gets a call from a North Korean official canceling that trip. Why? Because, Szmolinsky believes, Kim couldn't resist... and ate the giant rabbits to celebrate his birthday.

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2. Kim shoots a 38 under par, complete with 11 holes-in-one, during his first time golfing. You may not know this, but, according to the state-run North Korean media, Kim Jong-Il is the best golfer in history.

Back in 1994, North Korea's first golf course was opened in Pyongyang, and Kim decided to play it. He'd never golfed before, but wow, was he a natural.



In his first-ever round of golf, he shot a world-record 38 under par... including another world record 11 holes-in-one! And even though all 17 of his bodyguards were eyewitnesses and swear they saw that go down, for some reason, the round-eye devils at "Guinness" fail to recognize either record.

After that round, the media tells us, Kim decided to retire from golf forever, lest he ruin it for us mortals.

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3. Kim becomes the world's largest buyer of Hennessy. Much like LL Cool J, The Luniz and Oscar Schindler, Kim Jong-Il loves tippin' some Hennessy. So he imports approximately $750,000 worth of it every year.

(The average member of the North Korean proletariat makes about $900 a year, by the way.)



In fact, according to Hennessy, in both 1993 and '94, Kim was their biggest single customer in the entire world.

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4. Kim loathes his height so much that he attempts to rid the capital of short people. Kim Jong-Il is only 5-foot-3. He hates this fact. He wears elevator shoes to hide it. He reveres people who are taller (apparently, when Secretary of State Madeline Albright visited North Korea, she brought him a Michael Jordan autographed basketball, which instantly became his prized possession).



In fact, Kim hates his height so much that he decided to fix the problem of North Korean shortness back in 1989... in a way that only a sociopathic dictator can.

According to Kim's former tutor, who's now living in exile in Virginia, in '89, Kim was still seething over the success of Seoul, South Korea, hosting the Olympics the year before. So he went ahead to host the World Festival of Youth and Students, an event and spectacle intended to outdo and embarrass the Olympics. (It didn't, by the way.)



In advance of the Festival, Kim had pamphlets distributed in Pyongyang, describing a "wonder drug" that would make short people grow taller.

When people responded to the pamphlet, though, they quickly learned there was no wonder drug... it was Kim's way of flushing out the shortest members of society (besides him, of course), so he could round them up and have them "sent away to different uninhabited islands in an attempt to end their 'substandard' genes from repeating in a new generation."

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5. Kim has his boyhood school blown up. More from his former tutor. Even though Kim's father was Kim Il-Sung, the former dictator of North Korea, Lil' Kim still had to go to school. Kim was a "rather ordinary student" who ended up having to work hard to do well.

(Which is pretty incredible, given that his teachers probably would've disappeared permanently if they gave him anything below an A)

Years later, Kim ordered the military to blow up the school where he had worked so hard. The reason? That school was now teaching regular people, not just the children of wealthy communist officials, and Kim was afraid that it was giving students too much of a competitive advantage against his own children.

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6. Kim's love of films leads him to kidnap two South Korean filmmakers. It's well known that Kim Jong-Il loves movies... he's written books on filmmaking, he owns more than 20,000 movies, he's a reputed James Bond fan and, apparently, he's obsessed with Elizabeth Taylor.



So, in the late '70s, Kim decided he was going to kick start the North Korean film industry. His plan? Kidnap two of the South's top filmmakers. One was Shin Sang-ok, a director; the other was Shin's wife, Choi Eun-hee, a top actress.



And he went through with the plan, had them kidnapped and brought them to North Korea. He made them eat grass while forcing them to shoot his "Citizen Kane" -- a pro-communist "Godzilla" ripoff called "Pulgasari", which now can be freely viewed in Google Videos.



It was terrible, BORING in all caps, but Kim loved it, and wanted to make a sequel. In 1986, he began working on a deal with an Austrian film company to distribute that film globally... and took Shin and Choi to go meet with them in Vienna. In Vienna, they managed to escape, and, after a taxi chase with some of Kim's bodyguards, they found safety in the American embassy. Fortunately for Shin and Choi, they managed to start new lives in America.

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7. Kim hires a staff to inspect his rice, to make sure each piece is the same size. In possibly the biggest example of his OCD, Kim apparently hates eating rice if every grain isn't uniform in length, plumpness and color. So he hires a staff of women to go through each and every grain of rice before it enters his palace's kitchen, making sure each piece meets Kim's standard.

It's always good to see communism working -- 'everything equal', a completely utopia, no one abusing their power -- isn't it?

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8. Kim makes sure he never gets addicted, or quits an addiction, solo. Kim Jong-Il doesn't like to be addicted alone. And he doesn't like quitting alone. And when you're a communist dictator, it's easy to have a multi-million person support group.

On doctor's orders, Kim was told to give up smoking. So he did. And, at the same time, he decided to make every single other North Korean quit. In 2007, Kim ordered smoking be banned in both public and private areas. Lesser men and women who dare to defy his ruling would get the privileges to see additional holes in their brains and bodies

In 1992, Kim was doing some horseback riding, and took a spill. His doctors gave him painkillers. Which he was fine with taking... until he heard that they can be addictive.

So, for the next month, every day, when Kim got his painkiller injection, a half-dozen of his closest staff members also got the same injection. That way, Kim figured, if he became addicted, he wouldn't be the only one.

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9. Kim has schools teach people that his birth led to a spontaneous rainbow breakout... and that he doesn't defecate. Pretty much every textbook in North Korea is Kim-centric. And many focus on biographical details.

A few notes stand out the most. One, children are taught that, when Kim was born (in February 1941), spring suddenly broke out and a shower of rainbows instantly appeared in the sky.

And two, children are taught that Kim does not produce urine or feces like a regular human. He transcends that.

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10. Kim imports German cars, Czech beer, Uzbekistani caviar and Swedish prostitutes. Millions of North Koreans have died from starvation under Kim's rule. But he's not really concerned with that.



He's using the country's money wisely. Like importing $20 million worth of Mercedes... sending his personal chef to the Czech Republic to buy beer... sending his staff to Uzbekistan and Iran to get caviar... and, of course, importing a non-stop stream of white, blond Swedish prostitutes to have sex with him and his friends.

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11. Kim injects himself with the blood of virgins to stay young. Well who among us DOESN'T do that?

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12. We’re all retarded compared to Kim Jong Il’s rate of childhood development. According to official North Korean biographies of the Dear Leader, Kim learned to walk by the age of 3 weeks, talk by 8 weeks, and he wrote his first manifesto on the future of the Korean people by the age of 2 years.

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13. Kim Jong Il, who among his many titles counts his role as Chairman of North Korea’s National Defense Commission, has composed many things of beauty in his life. But perhaps his greatest artistic achievement is outlined in his official biography:



“In 1964 he graduated from the Kim Sung Il University where legend has it he wrote 1,500 books, all of which are stored in the state’s library. It is also said that he wrote six operas, all of which are better then any in the history of music.”

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14. Dear Einstein adorer, sorry to break your heart but Einstein is nothing compared to Kim Jong Il.



North Korean media reported that by the age of ten Kim Jung-il had invented many new items such as radial tyres, holograms and the microwave oven. Since then these inventions have been stolen from the people of Korea and cruelly claimed as inventions of lesser men of the West.

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15. Yes folks. Kim Jong Il (who, if you didn’t know, is also General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea) was born under near messianic circumstances. If official reports are to be believed, the Dear Leader was born on the top of Mount Baekdu. When he was born, two rainbows split the clouds, and a new star appeared in the sky that made the Korean peninsula’s nighttime visibility brighter. Some sources even say that at the moment of Kim’s birth, a monster appeared out of the ocean and sang the Korean national anthem.

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16. In North Korea schools, everyone is subject to daily “self-criticism” sessions in which they must describe all of the ways that they have failed in their duty to Kim Jong-Il

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17. Kim Jong-il ordered all triplets to be forcibly removed from their parents and dumped in orphanages. The government says the policy will help the poor.



But Korean superstition says triplets, revered in Korea, may rise to positions of power. Kim is said to have superstitious fear that a triplet might depose him, leading him to insist that they be raised somewhere where their development can be controlled.

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18. North Korea built a 105 stories hotel in a country with non-existent tourism. It was 1986, the South Koreans have built the Westin Stamford Hotel in Singapore (now Swissotel Stamford), the North decided that they will build a much taller and grander hotel than that, so they went ahead to construct the Ryugyong Hotel, claimed to be a masterpiece where if completed, would have become the world's tallest hotel.



The North Koreans rushed to put it on postage stamp before it was even finished. However, they ran out of money. The 105-stories building, which dominated Pyongyang skyline, is left abandoned and even becomes a public hazard.



It's being rated 'The Worst Building in The World' and now looks like a comic book supervillain headquarter.

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19. North Korea build Giant Tunnel trying to invade South Korea. The Korean DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) is the strip of land that straddles the border between North and South Korea, and is one of the most well preserved forest areas on the planet. This is because it is also home to an estimated one million landmines, so nobody is real interested in deforesting it.

Nevertheless, North Korea is like that sticky kid who won't stop touching South Korea in pre-school. If it can't go through land, it will go through underground. So it decided to build tunnel underneath the DMZ, but then it got caught by the UN. Plus, they found a banner in the tunnel that says "Down with American Imperialists," so you can't twist it and say it was the South Koreans who built it. Then the North Koreans claim that the tunnel was a coal mine, coal mine that happened to have a "Down with USA" banner in it, which was a problem for the United Nations Command asking the questions, because there isn't a trace of coal in the entire tunnel. And coal isn't found in that level of bedrock. And North Korea is a coal producing country, so they can't say they don't know any better.



So North Korea's solution? To attempt to create proof, North Korea sent people into the tunnel to paint some walls black so that they might look like coal. To a toddler, anyway. See, this is the attitude that keeps North Korea from making friends. And they really need friends, because only a friend would point out that, as a coal-producing country, they could easily have just planted the real thing.



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20. As I mentioned, North Korea needs friends, it knows that, so it cleaned house, dusted off their best suits, and invited Junchiro Koizumi, the prime minister of Japan, over to begin diplomatic relations (ie, a "you give us food for free" program) for the very first time. But Japan wasn't just going to give it up for free. North Korea was going to have to make a grand gesture.



So Kim Jong Il turned his warehouse upside down and found... yes, a bunch of Japanese citizens where he kidnapped in the 70s in order to train spies to spy on Japan. He admitted this crime to the prime minister and half-heartedly apologize, though stressing it wasn't him who ordered the kidnapping. Touched by this gracious act of friendship, Junchiro asked the obvious question of where the captives were now. North Korea had not actually planned for that. So they hastily produced eight sketchy death certificates and pronounced the matter to be closed. This was a problem for Japan, as North Korea had kidnapped 13 people. Eventually, North Korea begrudgingly agreed to let the remaining five living captive Japanese go back to Japan, but only if they promise to come back.



But by this point, Junchiro and the captives were safely back in Japan, so they didn't have to do anything that the crazy men with the clown masks and machetes were asking. Japan sent Kim Jong Il a fax telling him he won't get his spy-trainers back anymore.

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21. Facing a Japan that was more furious at them than ever before after the kidnapping drama, North Korea tried to sooth the fire by providing what it claimed was the bones and ashes of two of the fallen Japanese captives. Unfortunately, "Science" class in North Korea is all about learning the body of Kim Jong Il, and no student there has heard of a DNA test, which Japan performed, and found that North Korea had literally just thrown a bunch of different people's remains into a couple of boxes and called it a day. North Korea was told to get their grubby hands out of Japan's fridge.

North Korea called bullsh*t, and then asked for the remains back, perhaps hoping for a do-over.