ermm...

im entering late 20, my gf is mid 20.
this year January i entered a new office. initially it was nothing, but eventually, i guess i had a crush with one of my colleague.
me and my gf been together for 3 years+. we are a very honest couple to each others... on my side... perhaps too much honesty. when i found out i having a good feeling towards my new colleague, i start to think a lot... been struggling about what i want and stuff. all these thoughts been bothering me for a period... im a person that easily think bad side in some certain situation. so i begin to think of break off with my gf, and stuff... and i just cried for no reason... im not sure coz i still love her but had a crush with colleague makes me cry, or think of break off with her makes me cry, or think of how she gonna be after i leave her makes me cry, or guiltiness makes me cry.

so end up, i told her that i think i had a crush on my colleague, but i didnt ask for break off. i just let her know whats wrong with me lately as she notice something wrong with me... ... and yeah... her heart broken into pieces.
the following days, she keep asking me which one i choose. she or my colleague. i seriously have no clue... but 3 years relationship, i really don feel like letting it go... all these happen on Jan2011.

there are really nothing fancy regarding our relationship. once a while some arguments, been to genting, cameron, redang... other than that... pretty normal. we dont get to meet everyday. she live 45mins from my place. due to my working life, it is very tiring for me to meet her on weekdays. so we usually dating on weekends. our relationship can say is pretty peaceful. we always let each others know where we going and doing. we used to think that we are destine to marry each other. she think i'll be her last bf, and husband. i think that she will be my last gf, and my wife. we do talk about our future and stuff before... so yeah... no climax, no downhill moment for our relationship, and we expect to marry each others. but i told her that i plan to marry after 3-4 years though....

back to the story, when this issue happens, she ask me to leave the company... i cant make it, it is my career. she ask me to engage/marry for her secure, i cant make it, as im at confuse state. and there are quite some number of things she ask me do, and i just couldnt make it... she is totally heart broken i can understand... she talked to some of her friend, and i guess one of her friend suggested her that both of us should separate for a short period, no contacts, no sms, msn, no nothing... let me think what i really want. so on Monday (i think 31st Jan2011), she called me up for that... at that moment, i replied that i don want to make it that way. for some reason, i feel that if we separate for a short period, this relationship definitely no turning back. but she insisted... so alright... but right on that night, she called me up and says she missed me and she cant help thinking of me. she don wan make it that way, but she wan me to choose immediately. she or colleague. it really giv me a lot pressure and headache. i dono how to choose. at that moment, to me, she is still most important 1... just that within my heart, somehow i will think of my colleague. i dono how that night ends... i cant really rmber...
on the next day... tuesday... that night she called me up again and ask if i made up my mind... and this time i really stress and pressured. by keep asking i really dono how to reply... as u guys know when starting a couple together, they might be really love each others, sweet talk this and that. but as time goes longer, 爱情(love) will eventually turn into 感情(feeling? or matured state?)。a 感情(feeling? or matured state?) is like a 习惯(habits), u find it normal to have it around, but when it is not around, u just feel something goes wrong. so when our relationship goes into this state, it is really hard for me to really spot and know exactly who i really want, especially not in short period of time. and also as we know, sometimes a crush on someone else is just for temporary... so i really not sure where my heart lies. so on this tuesday night, she called and asked me again. i seriously stressed and pressured. so i just yell out that i really need a period of time to think.. this aint math 1+1=2, get the answer immediately. and i seriously feel like being alone... just alone... single... yeah... this time i need a break... to breath. another heart broken night...

then on following thursday (i think), she called me up and ask if i can go over meet her that night. i go meet her up, we chat, we talked. still same crap, she still asked me which side i choose. end up this time, i told her that i choose her. coz i know her so well... i know that even if we get married, she is the right person. regardless i love her or not, if she is my wife, it wouldnt be any worse, and the 感情 (feeling) can be rebuild back. and as for my feeling towards my colleague, as long as im with my gf, i believe the feeling twds my colleague will slowly fade off by time. eventually, regardless takes long time or short time of period. coz impossible if my colleague gets a bf, married, i still think of her right? and also consider that me and my gf been thru 3 years+ time, longest period for my relationship history as well as hers. and my gf is seriously a freaking good gf, and can be an awesome wife. so i made up such choice. a good happy ending for this night.

but somehow i guess there are some struggling inside inner me. it is not as simple as what people describe fight of angel and demon inside our heart or good and evil inside our heart. it is much more complicated... it is about my conscious and sub-conscious... consciously i know i choose my gf, she is most important for me. i want her. but often times, i will say something that makes her feel sad/hurt. just by mentioning the name of my colleague, she will feel insecure and unhappy. i know it clearly that would make her unhappy, it is in my conscious that i know this fact. but still i split it out for what shit reason i freaking dont understand either... this happens since the day i told her about i had a crush with my colleague, and it continues even after the happy thursday night that i told her i choose her.... before the thursday night, i did some analysis on myself and some self observation... i guess... perhaps... maybe... i don wanna say break to her but i hope she is the one say break up to me... i guess that is what i want.... but funny thing is that whenever she say break to me, i wan to save it back... and even until now? i still don have answer for my such behavior. i guess this is the only explanation why subconsciously i'll do that.

so after that thursday night... things goes up and down... cant really rmber every single day. until valentine day, 14feb.. we celebrate valentine on 13feb as it is sunday. less pack. i don like weekdays... pack jam sux. and when it comes to 14feb, i wanted to stay at home as we already celebrated on 13th. but in the afternoon, she out of sudden she asked for break up... she said 13feb she wanted to ask break up ady 1... her reason was that she will keep thinking about me and my colleague as we work together in the same company. she will think a lot, felt insecure, and hav no confident in our relationship. this is totally totally understandable. so... regardless the jam and shit crap... 犯贱 moments come, i don wanna break. i drove to her house bring her out, try to sort it out. at the very end of the day when i send her home, finally she accepted me back...

on the next day. 15th feb. pub holiday. but i went to office work. her office has no pub holiday for that day, so she is working too. i said i will go look for her on that night. i know she expect me to fetch her back from office, and go dinner together then go for dating. and in fact, i expect myself to pick her up from work and go out for dating too. but as my work goes, i know i wont able to make it. but since i didnt really mention a time to her, i thought just let it be. just let her mum pick her up and i'll go look for her after i done my job. this is seriously my fault for not informing her, didnt letting her know i might be late etc... so i reach her place at 8xx. and she is pissed. no doubt. so this night, she ask for break again... reason is coz she is pissed, and same goes to the previous day. her mind just keep thinking and thinking... she just couldnt get rid of not thinking... and this night, she insist not to accept me back even though i beg her badly. i told her to think clearly and giv me a firm answer... so end up i got back home and think... again and again. i just felt that this relationship is really ended. full-stop. i begin to think about my colleague, how my future will be and stuff...

on wednesday afternoon, we chat over msn... she really love me, and she said she really don want to break... so we together back in msn. break and together within such short period of few days... this time, when we back together... i dont feel a thing. i dont feel more happy to be back together, i dont feel excited or anything. just... nothing... i dono why. i dont freaking know why...... so this goes... and on saturday (19th feb) night, me and my colleagues went for a movie. as i said early on, we usually told each others where we going and what we doing. but this time i told her late. i told her after the ticket is bought. she is unhappy and stuff. smsing each others back and fore... she asked me if she is still in my heart.. this time, i really confused. after the very last break and patch back, i feel nothing at all... so i told her i dono... so she called up, and we talked... end up i said for break off... heart broken night. i couldnt really enjoy the movie at all even though it is comedy.... and i entered the movie after an hour of screening.

now she couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. on 21st feb, monday... she asked to meet me... i go find her that night. as i know she didnt eat at all the whole day, no appetite, im planning to just bring her out for food and go home... but gosh... this time, her mum and her bro come over, ask me sit down and ask me what i want... if i can solve this etc. gosh... it put me so so so so so so so much pressure... i totally cant breath. and end up after some talks, they left me and my gf. so we 2 talked... for the 3-5 hours time there, she been begging me for not leaving her. say she will wait me slowly forget about my colleague etc. and... i really felt it... but, i seriously have no confident to love her anymore. i scared if i accept her now, i will hurt her again in the future... i really confused and f***ing lost. her heart broken into pieces, and my heart wont feel any better either actually. i feel really sad to see her like that too. i wanted to accept her back, but i seriously scared i will hurt her again in future. so this time i just insist not turning back. i wanna be single, alone for a period. so end of that night, she just threw back most of the stuff that i gave her back to me...

2nd day she still ask me patch back, i insist on my stand. then we no contact til now. she block my msn, deleted my facebook... but i know if i ask for patch back now, this 3 years relationship still can be save... but question is... should i move on or patch back??? if previously when i said i choose her for the reason that she can be an awesome wife etc, i still have the confident to giv her love, joy, even though it might take a long period to put me back into good bf state as before. but i guess not this time. i dont hav confident in myself. perhaps i start to fall into my colleague? i've no clue...

i seriously scared she will do some silly stuff... that is what makes me worried the most. as i know she is the type of girl that only stick to family and bf mostly... and im like her whole support, emotionally, physically, mentally.

yeah, this whole incident shouldnt be happen if i able to handle things more maturely, and not to tell her my feeling towards my colleague. it might be nothing end of the day. and up until today, my colleague still have no clue that i had a crush on her. most people might think why dont i go after my colleague, after get my colleague ady then only break with my gf... well, i find it very disrespectful towards my girl if i did that when my gf is still with me. so yeah... my colleague din know i had a crush on her, and neither do i will let her know in any near future.

coz sometimes im still thinking if i wanna patch back my this 3 years relationship. i know that if i still have a chance to patch back and save this 3 years relationship if i want to... yes, up until now im still thinking and confusing. i know i likes my colleague more by now. it is growing, but 3 years relationship aint easy, and my colleague might not end up so well with me even though if we so happen get to be together. who knows right? it can be she rejecting me too. and end up i have nothing. but i need to get my direction clear 1st... i feel like just move forward... but just feel 遗憾 (pity) for a lost of 3 years relationship. and im like just ruined my gf life...

so... any suggestion, comment, opinion on what should i do? move on? go back with my gf? or?? i choose to be single for now... but what u guys suggest/think???

also... hmm... maybe u guys can giv some suggestion/opinion/idea what should my gf do??? i would love to know what others think too if it is my gf that post this topic out and ask for opinion...

and yeah... we broke off ady for now, so probably i should call her as my ex-gf. but just make it simple, gf....

thanks for the long reading, it not might be as detail as i wanted to. but i guess it is pretty much good enuf detail for yall to understand fully my situation... and it is long enuf ady. =='