ermm...

im entering late 20, my gf is mid 20.
this year January i entered a new office. initially it was nothing, but eventually, i guess i had a crush with one of my colleague.
me and my gf been together for 3 years+. we are a very honest couple to each others... on my side... perhaps too much honesty. when i found out i having a good feeling towards my new colleague, i start to think a lot... been struggling about what i want and stuff. all these thoughts been bothering me for a period... im a person that easily think bad side in some certain situation. so i begin to think of break off with my gf, and stuff... and i just cried for no reason... im not sure coz i still love her but had a crush with colleague makes me cry, or think of break off with her makes me cry, or think of how she gonna be after i leave her makes me cry, or guiltiness makes me cry.

so end up, i told her that i think i had a crush on my colleague, but i didnt ask for break off. i just let her know whats wrong with me lately as she notice something wrong with me... ... and yeah... her heart broken into pieces.
the following days, she keep asking me which one i choose. she or my colleague. i seriously have no clue... but 3 years relationship, i really don feel like letting it go... all these happen on Jan2011.

there are really nothing fancy regarding our relationship. once a while some arguments, been to genting, cameron, redang... other than that... pretty normal. we dont get to meet everyday. she live 45mins from my place. due to my working life, it is very tiring for me to meet her on weekdays. so we usually dating on weekends. our relationship can say is pretty peaceful. we always let each others know where we going and doing. we used to think that we are destine to marry each other. she think i'll be her last bf, and husband. i think that she will be my last gf, and my wife. we do talk about our future and stuff before... so yeah... no climax, no downhill moment for our relationship, and we expect to marry each others. but i told her that i plan to marry after 3-4 years though....

back to the story, when this issue happens, she ask me to leave the company... i cant make it, it is my career. she ask me to engage/marry for her secure, i cant make it, as im at confuse state. and there are quite some number of things she ask me do, and i just couldnt make it... she is totally heart broken i can understand... she talked to some of her friend, and i guess one of her friend suggested her that both of us should separate for a short period, no contacts, no sms, msn, no nothing... let me think what i really want. so on Monday (i think 31st Jan2011), she called me up for that... at that moment, i replied that i don want to make it that way. for some reason, i feel that if we separate for a short period, this relationship definitely no turning back. but she insisted... so alright... but right on that night, she called me up and says she missed me and she cant help thinking of me. she don wan make it that way, but she wan me to choose immediately. she or colleague. it really giv me a lot pressure and headache. i dono how to choose. at that moment, to me, she is still most important 1... just that within my heart, somehow i will think of my colleague. i dono how that night ends... i cant really rmber...
on the next day... tuesday... that night she called me up again and ask if i made up my mind... and this time i really stress and pressured. by keep asking i really dono how to reply... as u guys know when starting a couple together, they might be really love each others, sweet talk this and that. but as time goes longer, 爱情(love) will eventually turn into 感情(feeling? or matured state?)。a 感情(feeling? or matured state?) is like a 习惯(habits), u find it normal to have it around, but when it is not around, u just feel something goes wrong. so when our relationship goes into this state, it is really hard for me to really spot and know exactly who i really want, especially not in short period of time. and also as we know, sometimes a crush on someone else is just for temporary... so i really not sure where my heart lies. so on this tuesday night, she called and asked me again. i seriously stressed and pressured. so i just yell out that i really need a period of time to think.. this aint math 1+1=2, get the answer immediately. and i seriously feel like being alone... just alone... single... yeah... this time i need a break... to breath. another heart broken night...

then on following thursday (i think), she called me up and ask if i can go over meet her that night. i go meet her up, we chat, we talked. still same crap, she still asked me which side i choose. end up this time, i told her that i choose her. coz i know her so well... i know that even if we get married, she is the right person. regardless i love her or not, if she is my wife, it wouldnt be any worse, and the 感情 (feeling) can be rebuild back. and as for my feeling towards my colleague, as long as im with my gf, i believe the feeling twds my colleague will slowly fade off by time. eventually, regardless takes long time or short time of period. coz impossible if my colleague gets a bf, married, i still think of her right? and also consider that me and my gf been thru 3 years+ time, longest period for my relationship history as well as hers. and my gf is seriously a freaking good gf, and can be an awesome wife. so i made up such choice. a good happy ending for this night.

but somehow i guess there are some struggling inside inner me. it is not as simple as what people describe fight of angel and demon inside our heart or good and evil inside our heart. it is much more complicated... it is about my conscious and sub-conscious... consciously i know i choose my gf, she is most important for me. i want her. but often times, i will say something that makes her feel sad/hurt. just by mentioning the name of my colleague, she will feel insecure and unhappy. i know it clearly that would make her unhappy, it is in my conscious that i know this fact. but still i split it out for what shit reason i freaking dont understand either... this happens since the day i told her about i had a crush with my colleague, and it continues even after the happy thursday night that i told her i choose her.... before the thursday night, i did some analysis on myself and some self observation... i guess... perhaps... maybe... i don wanna say break to her but i hope she is the one say break up to me... i guess that is what i want.... but funny thing is that whenever she say break to me, i wan to save it back... and even until now? i still don have answer for my such behavior. i guess this is the only explanation why subconsciously i'll do that.

so after that thursday night... things goes up and down... cant really rmber every single day. until valentine day, 14feb.. we celebrate valentine on 13feb as it is sunday. less pack. i don like weekdays... pack jam sux. and when it comes to 14feb, i wanted to stay at home as we already celebrated on 13th. but in the afternoon, she out of sudden she asked for break up... she said 13feb she wanted to ask break up ady 1... her reason was that she will keep thinking about me and my colleague as we work together in the same company. she will think a lot, felt insecure, and hav no confident in our relationship. this is totally totally understandable. so... regardless the jam and shit crap... 犯贱 moments come, i don wanna break. i drove to her house bring her out, try to sort it out. at the very end of the day when i send her home, finally she accepted me back...

on the next day. 15th feb. pub holiday. but i went to office work. her office has no pub holiday for that day, so she is working too. i said i will go look for her on that night. i know she expect me to fetch her back from office, and go dinner together then go for dating. and in fact, i expect myself to pick her up from work and go out for dating too. but as my work goes, i know i wont able to make it. but since i didnt really mention a time to her, i thought just let it be. just let her mum pick her up and i'll go look for her after i done my job. this is seriously my fault for not informing her, didnt letting her know i might be late etc... so i reach her place at 8xx. and she is pissed. no doubt. so this night, she ask for break again... reason is coz she is pissed, and same goes to the previous day. her mind just keep thinking and thinking... she just couldnt get rid of not thinking... and this night, she insist not to accept me back even though i beg her badly. i told her to think clearly and giv me a firm answer... so end up i got back home and think... again and again. i just felt that this relationship is really ended. full-stop. i begin to think about my colleague, how my future will be and stuff...

on wednesday afternoon, we chat over msn... she really love me, and she said she really don want to break... so we together back in msn. break and together within such short period of few days... this time, when we back together... i dont feel a thing. i dont feel more happy to be back together, i dont feel excited or anything. just... nothing... i dono why. i dont freaking know why...... so this goes... and on saturday (19th feb) night, me and my colleagues went for a movie. as i said early on, we usually told each others where we going and what we doing. but this time i told her late. i told her after the ticket is bought. she is unhappy and stuff. smsing each others back and fore... she asked me if she is still in my heart.. this time, i really confused. after the very last break and patch back, i feel nothing at all... so i told her i dono... so she called up, and we talked... end up i said for break off... heart broken night. i couldnt really enjoy the movie at all even though it is comedy.... and i entered the movie after an hour of screening.

now she couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. on 21st feb, monday... she asked to meet me... i go find her that night. as i know she didnt eat at all the whole day, no appetite, im planning to just bring her out for food and go home... but gosh... this time, her mum and her bro come over, ask me sit down and ask me what i want... if i can solve this etc. gosh... it put me so so so so so so so much pressure... i totally cant breath. and end up after some talks, they left me and my gf. so we 2 talked... for the 3-5 hours time there, she been begging me for not leaving her. say she will wait me slowly forget about my colleague etc. and... i really felt it... but, i seriously have no confident to love her anymore. i scared if i accept her now, i will hurt her again in the future... i really confused and f***ing lost. her heart broken into pieces, and my heart wont feel any better either actually. i feel really sad to see her like that too. i wanted to accept her back, but i seriously scared i will hurt her again in future. so this time i just insist not turning back. i wanna be single, alone for a period. so end of that night, she just threw back most of the stuff that i gave her back to me...

2nd day she still ask me patch back, i insist on my stand. then we no contact til now. she block my msn, deleted my facebook... but i know if i ask for patch back now, this 3 years relationship still can be save... but question is... should i move on or patch back??? if previously when i said i choose her for the reason that she can be an awesome wife etc, i still have the confident to giv her love, joy, even though it might take a long period to put me back into good bf state as before. but i guess not this time. i dont hav confident in myself. perhaps i start to fall into my colleague? i've no clue...

i seriously scared she will do some silly stuff... that is what makes me worried the most. as i know she is the type of girl that only stick to family and bf mostly... and im like her whole support, emotionally, physically, mentally.

yeah, this whole incident shouldnt be happen if i able to handle things more maturely, and not to tell her my feeling towards my colleague. it might be nothing end of the day. and up until today, my colleague still have no clue that i had a crush on her. most people might think why dont i go after my colleague, after get my colleague ady then only break with my gf... well, i find it very disrespectful towards my girl if i did that when my gf is still with me. so yeah... my colleague din know i had a crush on her, and neither do i will let her know in any near future.

coz sometimes im still thinking if i wanna patch back my this 3 years relationship. i know that if i still have a chance to patch back and save this 3 years relationship if i want to... yes, up until now im still thinking and confusing. i know i likes my colleague more by now. it is growing, but 3 years relationship aint easy, and my colleague might not end up so well with me even though if we so happen get to be together. who knows right? it can be she rejecting me too. and end up i have nothing. but i need to get my direction clear 1st... i feel like just move forward... but just feel 遗憾 (pity) for a lost of 3 years relationship. and im like just ruined my gf life...

so... any suggestion, comment, opinion on what should i do? move on? go back with my gf? or?? i choose to be single for now... but what u guys suggest/think???

also... hmm... maybe u guys can giv some suggestion/opinion/idea what should my gf do??? i would love to know what others think too if it is my gf that post this topic out and ask for opinion...

and yeah... we broke off ady for now, so probably i should call her as my ex-gf. but just make it simple, gf....

thanks for the long reading, it not might be as detail as i wanted to. but i guess it is pretty much good enuf detail for yall to understand fully my situation... and it is long enuf ady. =='

This post has been edited by Valex: Feb 24 2011, 12:21 AM

For this part, you have my respect.

3 years a long time..if u let it go now because of uncertainty, how sure are you it wont happen the same with your colleague? like u say, love is sweet in the first place, and it will tone down.

she is as confuse as you. frustrated, lack of confident, and probably saying words like "let's break up" against her heart..just wanna see your response.

i think both you and her been through few times break up until both also quite tired... i guess now you are more feeling independant because u have a colleague for you to fall next. but if it doesnt work out, chances are you might regret this decision in future.

personal opinion, talk back to your gf. open your heart again with her. probably can even show her this thread. tell her u r insecure too and frustrated. come to a compromisation. go for a week vacation together. tell each other what's yes and what's taboo word not to bring up anymore.

then only decide if it's "unpatchable" and at least both of you give it one last chance, but not the kiddish breakup phrase.

i've been through similar phase, so i know how it felt. so hope tis can clear your head abit. if you already have some answer in your head what to do next, then all the best.

the 'colleague' story again. by end of the day ,no good ending for either u,ur colleague or ur ex gf.
probably u will know why later on if u try it out with ur colleague. u can leave ur gf of 3 years for someone else and of coz u will get it later on too.
it is just a cycle.

U did the right thing too by breaking up with ur ex coz u and ur ex gf can never be together again.
things wont be the same anymore and it was u who started it first.

Don't really recommend a colleague as a gf. Doesn't apply to all but a lot of new shits will happen.

Love someone for too long indeed will make it into habit, instead, its your own fault that you have neglect life with her.

You might be just started work, but your lifestyle is going towards downhill as you never really date her, instead just casually live everyday because your mindset is wrong!

You think that you own her already. That's why. Whenever you think you own something, that's where the problems come.

I seen a case, bf gf together 5 yrs dy, then the gf actually thinks she fall for another guy (becuz the guy closer and earn more than the bf), bf do very hard to patch back, now they r happily together again, and the relationship is even closer.

I guess u do this decision cuz u were being pressured by gf n her family. Think back, if ur gf giv u some time back then to be single for a period of time, and the family din campur tangan, will u still love her? ask urslf that.

And oh well, if in the end u chose to give her up, then stop thinking about u ruinning her life because u aledi did that. Leave her alone to forget u and find another guy. U r no more responsible for her life anymore. Don't think u r still veli importabt to her when u decided not to patch back. When u try to do sth to 'help' her actually u r doing more ruined.

Just my2cents.

+1,
If really wants to patch the 3 years relationship back, then think of wat to do then.. how can u build confidence and trust again..
If you had figure it out, please teach me as well. i m going through this also.. not 3rd party but more like we lost confidence in both of us..

your chemistry towards her are already gone...

Think about it this way:
Are you willing to risk your 3+ years relationship for a chance with your colleague and possibly end up with nothing?

If you are, don't regret it.

You are quite teh stupid.

I'll tell you how stupid you were. When you started having feelings for your colleague, that's your problem. You should have solved your problem on your own. But when you told your girlfriend about it, you made it her problem as well, and you spread your suffering to an innocent person. If you wanted to, you could have broken off with your gf to pursue your colleague, and yes, that would hurt your gf. But what you did hurt her even more, for a longer time.

And there's another way in which you are teh stupid. You had a 3 years' relationship, and you jeopardized it for a colleague? You've never made a move on her, she didn't try to seduce you, she has no idea how you feel about her, she doesn't know a thing about all your drama? She might as well be the kakak behind the counter of the cafeteria where you order lunch every day. This is what you fall for? For this you ruined a 3-year relationship?

My aunt changes car every few years. My dad thinks she's quite foolish and wasteful. My dad is right. But a car is not a girlfriend, which means you are even more teh stupid. 3 years hancur just because got new pretty face in the office. As if girlfriend is like car, bored already want to change new one.

I'll give you credit for one thing - you had the balls to break off with your girlfriend. Because your problem should not become other people's problem. Too bad you did it too late, after you've already hurt her badly. So now, I suggest you learn to solve your own problem before you get into another situation in which you might hurt other people.

(And frankly, I'm not very impressed with your ex-gf either. I can't respect a girl who begs a guy to love her.)

人就是這樣， 越得不到的東西就越想得到
( Human is like this, when you couldn't get something, you want it badly )

Once you get it, you will feel like " Awww I got it like this, Well, I'm going for another one.

That explains why you feel NOTHING when your exgf begging you to stay.

Crush vs Love, do you want to risk ? But I can tell you 99% you WILL regret for choosing your colleague.
And the reason why you fall for your colleague because you meet her EVERYDAY, but you gf only on the weekends.

Gf is a awesome girl and will be a great wife but you dont marry someone because of that, you marry or be with someone because you LOVE her.

I guess the only way for both of you to settle this is,

Get away from all these sh*ts, go somewhere FAR away, a vacation.

A vacation = at least a week, not those 3 days 2 night trip.
You will get your answer in this period.

If you think it's not neccesary to do that or you decided to end this relationship, then stop think about your gf's future.
Whether she's happy or not, it's none of your business, you are the one who choose to left her and end this 3 years relationship.
The more you concern about her, the harder for her to move on and has a new life.
Stop distrubing her.

Otherwise, do something if you really love her.
And please be prepare after both of you decide to get back together, you will need to work EXTRA hard to build back this relationship and the trust between both of you.
She will be 24/7 insecure.

Relationship is like this, it goes up and down, if you can overcome all these problems, she's the one for you, you're the one for her.

For some reason, both of you need some break. its seem that you both chat everyday.
why dont you give some space for you and her. let her clam down and let you think which is better?
3+year relationship or just meet up colleague? you never know ur colleague might "kill" ur feeling later?

3+years relationship is about trust and understanding. Both of you have build a strong relationship and went thru many road.

an idea for you. u dont think of ur ex or ur colleague. be single for few days and see what will happen. you will know what and who u really need when u need someone to talk to. Who will be by ur side when u in trouble or emotions?

good luck in ur few days single. decide what ur heart said and try ask urself too. =]

Friend, me cannot sleep so I will share with you my advice, take it or not up to you la k?

You see, relationships have a cycle. You start with the attraction - your heart beats faster, you feel really happy seeing her, can't wait to see her again etc.

Then you start going for holidays together, learning about each other, first arguments start but still happy.

Then as time passes, your chemistry, or sparks, or watever that thing is called that makes your heart beats faster, starts to fade.

At this point of time, seeing her becomes like a chore. You feel like there are more important things like work or friends or yum cha or games or sports than her.

And then when you see other girls you start to have this feeling again, the chemistry and sparks and you think you don't love your gf.

This is a common scenario people experience, and thinking that you don't love your partner anymore but instead you love that new girl is a common mistake made by many.

Sparks and chemistry aren't meant to last forever. Nobody says a relationship is only about sparks and chemistry. It's about living together, learning about each other, accepting each other, caring for each other.

Yes you may not have that strong feelings for your gf but from what you have written you do care for her. Ask yourself, if you do not care for her, why even bother to patch things up when she wanted to break up?

Dunno what else to say but my final advice is, even if you start with your colleague, 1 year 2 years down the road you will feel the same sh*t. Ok, you can find another colleague and start again and 1-2 years later its still the same sh*t.

Now go watch some movies like PS I Love You or Aftershock and ask yourself, do you really want to lose your gf?

Think bro, think.

Good luck to you!

Edit: Btw your post is so long respect you can write so much but you should thank me cos i read 90% of it.

This post has been edited by jason83: Feb 24 2011, 03:31 AM

if it was your gf instead of you who fell for he colleague, whats your perception on this then

The thing with a relationship is that after sometime, it'll become 'normal'. Not much feeling of looking forward to meet each other, like someone mentioned, it've become like a chore. Updating each other what u're doing/going n then meet up on weekends. N 3 years have been like that.

TS, now u r asking us what u should do as u r currently in a confusing state of mind. It's not a confusing situation, pretty straightforward case. Gf loves u n u admit she's an awesome gf. Then a new working place with a new girl at work. If u really love your gf, if u r really devoted to her, n if u r a really loyal lover, then u won't be easily attracted to this new girl.

Your issue now is, u should ask yourself, maybe examine your past love history, r u the kind whom after sometime with a girl, will easily get attracted to another new girl? If your answer is yes, then u should know that even when u pursue this collegue and get her to be your gf, after few years, d same thing gonna happen coz u r immature in love and always want someone new.

N if u answered that no, that this is the 1st time while u r in a relationship that u r attracted to someone new, then may I ask u what about this new collegue that attracted u to her? How well do u know this collegue? U let go of a good lover, to risk pursuing someone who may or may not be your future lover, or may be your future lover but maybe not a good one. But who knows. It's a risk that u r risking.

People always see or say that the grass is greener on another side, but come on, do look at what u're having now. A good gf, she love u, and u do love her. U r just confuse. Clear up your confusion. Be back with your gf. But if u r still confuse, dun get back to her and spread your confusioness to that poor girl. She may do silly things one day if u keep forcing your uncertainty to her as u said she depends a lot on u n her family.

If u ask me, i'll go back to my great lover, and be the bestest greatest bf that i can ever be. She'll 100% be insecure with u coz of the things that u did. She'll keep repeating the past that u did towards her. N u've to work hard 110% consistenly to win back her heart and give her back the confidence that she deserve. When she repeats your past, listen to her, then assure her that past is past, tell her that u've think thoroughly n u r very sure that she's d one that u wanna live forever with. She'll still doubt it after your reassurance, then prove to her thru your action that u'll do your best to regain her confidence to u.

Action meaning, call her more, do something special towards her that normally u won't do or seldom do. Just 3 years of relationship, dun treat it like already 30 years relationship and already stale. Make it fun and exciting sometimes. Communicate more with her, go to the beach or anywhere that both of u'll enjoy. Make her happy. If u devote your heart to this relationship, think of how to make this relationship work, n stop confusing yourself about this collegue issue, then maybe u'll realise one day in d future how glad that u never really let go of this precious relationship/gf.

U can take some time to think for yourself what u really want. But just remember dun do anymore harm/hurt to your ex, for anymore salt that u throw on her wound, one day she'll be the one who leave u and dun turn back to u n that's when u really will regret.

Wish u good luck, TS.

wow. i really can't believe i just finish reading those wall of text.
well, just ask yourself TS, is it worth to give up a three years relationship for someone you just got to know not more than 6 months.
your feelings for that colleague of yours might be temporary.

u should biotch slap urself many2 times whenever u think about ur college

after many times doing it ur brain subconsciously will try to block any images

of her

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Added on February 24, 2011, 6:42 ami meant colleague lol

This post has been edited by Fowl: Feb 24 2011, 06:42 AM

A relationship is like s ahare market it have its ups and downs. Dont tell me everytime u a tinkle feeling inside you then you make others suffer.

Let's say u end up with your colleague she then become boring u meet another girl so will the above repeat itself again? So it never ends because you do not know what you want.

The problem is always been you. Its normal for a human being to have tinkling feeling but be in control.

Exactly like share market the more money you put the more you make and also might lose. The more effort you put in the relationship the bigger it will grow. Effort to grow can be in many ways like traveling , do some weird stuff you guys never tried before, dancing.

If u just sit there and tell yourself i dont feeling anymore you are right because its your choice even u will deny it. Why? Because u didnt do anything to make the difference


If i am your girl ill just dump you and ignore you for good ! how can a person have doubts within the relationship? If yes your relationship have never have a path or plan.








"most people might think why dont i go after my colleague, after get my colleague ady then only break with my gf... well, i find it very disrespectful towards my girl if i did that when my gf is still with me. "
While still with your gf u can have such thing pop out u already wrong. I dont see what to respect on you. If u let go of your colleague yea u might get my respect

This post has been edited by aspire2oo6: Feb 24 2011, 07:54 AM

"most people might think why dont i go after my colleague, after get my colleague ady then only break with my gf... well, i find it very disrespectful towards my girl if i did that when my gf is still with me. "

I do respect.

Actually, I have a 10 years relationship been betray by my x gf ...almost similar case but i'm the victim been betray by her ...

Honestly, I agree that u give her a ring and ask for forgiveness ...

Too long lazy to read, but you are just a like all normal guys. Such feelings can be avoided by doing so:
1) do not contact your colleague.
2) do not fall for appearance/looks it could be quite deceiving.
3) do not anyhow think of another girl, you should have keep your mind busy with your love one and your work. I wonder how could someone else think of another girl when we have so many other problems to be taken care off.
4) from your post i can see it seems like you do not have any happy moments together... TRY to think harder i'm pretty sure for a 3 years old relationship there is loads of stuff for you to mesmerize when you are alone. At least that's what happen to me when i'm alone.
5) Your colleague is just a temporary interest so stop fantasizing and that would definitely help.