dont get this joke. who is this bender that his dad is kicking?

A guy was out for a jog one day and was heading along the side of a busy road.

A few minutes into his jog he came across a woman lying at the side of the road. She was in a bad way and it was obvious she had been in a road accident.

He checked her for ID and found that she only lived around the corner from where the accident had happened.

He quickly ran round to the house and banged frantically on the door.

The woman's husband answered the door and the jogger quickly said "sorry pal but your wife looks like she has been hit by a bus".

The husband replied "Aye I know, but she's got a lovely personality"!

geez, how'd i know if it has been reposted many times, take a look at my number of posts nutsack

Son: "What's algebra?"
Dad: "Something you take off a mermaid so you can play with her tits."

I'm the world's worst rapist.
I was stalking this girl in the park. I had my handkerchief already soaked in chloroform, when suddenly she turned and looked at me. I nonchalantly pretended to blow my nose.......and woke up an hour later slumped over a park bench.

DAVE? I thought he's Albert?

What pun?

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or balls. I'd say you must be Government."

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and angryly said, "Is this true?"

A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the f*** had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

After a moment of silence,
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets friend!"

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Ever had it where you fell for your own friend? You're happy for her but can't help feel a little bad because her life is going great especially love life.

You two as so close that she let you see her messages with the guy. He is so sweet, charming and caring to her. Again, you are very happy for her but wish you're THAT.

It's ok though. Life isn't perfect? We just fear how you'll conceal that upset- ness in front of her. You fear the moment you lay eyes on her, these feeling of emptiness will come back in a rush.

You won't be able to handle it. You're not that strong.

Oh well, life goes on. Be strong... For all there is, there is still Relationship Jokes to fall back to

IN THE NEWS : Westlife in plane crash horror
Pilots last radio message "We are flying without wings"

I'm going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5,

I clearly don't understand the meaning of Final.

My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I watched her as she bent down to sniff a flower. "Do you like flowers?" I asked her with a smile. "Oh, more than almost anything.. Except you," she replied, a light blush spreading across her face.

I grinned even wider and kissed her cheek. "One day, I'll buy you some flowers." "Oh, don't tell me! Surprise me!.. But... You promise, don't you?..." She looked up at me with big, brown eyes.

"Of course. I promise."  I remembered this conversation when I went to visit her one day.

"Surprise!" I said, presenting a bouquet of red roses from behind my back. I smiled widely, kneeling down next to her and leaning on her tombstone.

Tears flowed down my face as I spoke to her. "I promised you.. Remember?.."

“You’re an investment with no return.”
“I was asked to make a choice.  If I had not been asked, I may have chosen differently”.
“I just don’t think we’re ‘suitable’ suitable”.
“I feel like this break up has made our relationship so much stronger.”
“I have only still been seeing you because I felt obliged to, and, if we were right for each other, neither of us should feel like that.”
“I love you toooooo much, it’s driving me mad.”
“Sorry for the long silence…I have personal issues lately…Happy Friday!”
“I know it took me two years to finally get you out on a date, but now I’m feeling tied down…”
“I just can’t live with the pathetic tickles that you call ‘sexual thrusts’ anymore.”
“I’m leaving you. Do you want me to go tonight or tomorrow?”
“I just can’t take the bad sex anymore”.
“Honestly? It’s you not me, you’re just too perfect for some else. And I’m perfect for the girl on Facebook.”
“You’re perfect in every way, just not for me.”
“I still care about you, but I just don’t find my heart jumping out of my chest when I see you anymore.”
“I have lost all romantic feelings for you completely, and I desire no future relationship with you.”
.
.
.

“Isn’t six and a half years long enough?”

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.

But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.

It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.