Mad....goodness me...lol

My wife went mental when she found a sex tape of me with a young, fit girl.


Her mood didn't really improve when I pointed out the tape was of her from ten years ago before she had kids.

^his wife changed beyond recognition in 10 years

My daughter came home and said to me, "Dad, I think I'm a lesbian."

I looked at her, sighed a little, took her in my arms and said

"I understand. You're old enough to know your own sexuality, so do what you feel's the right thing to do. Follow your heart." I gently kissed her and she hugged me in return.

The following day, my son came up to me and said, "Dad, I think I'm g...."

I didn't hear anything else as I was too busy kicking the sh*t out of the f*cking bender.

The wife was cleaning her teeth in the bathroom earlier, and as she looked up I caught her eye in the reflection, gave her a wink, and shoved myself into her.

Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre.

hahahaha

I asked my wife, "Have you ever done something you're not proud of?"
My wife said, "You?"
I said, "No, I asked you first."
My wife said, "No, I meant you."

B*tch!

I got my c0ck pierced today for my girlfriend.

My wife did it with a hammer and nail.

HAHAHAHAHA LOL!

I was really embarrassed when my mother showed my new girlfriend all my teddy bears from when I was a kid.

Especially the ones I cut a hole in the arse.

Still going strong in here, Godzilla? Bump this thread to show support!

My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football.

What a bunch of idiots.

I'm gay because I like c0ck.

Me: Can I have a shag?
Girl: No!
Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly...
Girl: Oh, I think I did...
Me: Fine then, what did I say?
Girl: "Can I have a shag?"

And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.

omg lol

BBC News: Couple remarry 57 years after divorce.

God bless Alzheimers

My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month!

Well you know what they say....Elephants never forget

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

dont get this joke. who is this bender that his dad is kicking?

the son?

bender = gay = the son