Sigh.

Some of you know my story and about how I'm going to get married sometime mid next year. I had planned to keep things simple but it seems that suddenly things are going out of control...

As usual, all the problems of getting married have to do with MONEY. It seems interesting that there are already topics like this opened before I even posted this up. Here's the issue.

My fiancee is feeling very sad because she feels that as the bride, she should not have to pay for anything and that asking her to chip in on her own wedding is sad and degrading. Me on the other hand, cannot afford to pay for the entire ceremony for the following reasons.

1. Her mum requests a dowry of 3k+ which is cheap by most standards so I'm not complaining there.
2. Also requests 3 different Ang Pow. Its for tradition but the amount she didn't state yet.
3. Fiancee request Photo shoot worth about 2k++ (Damn expensive for photos you wont look at 6 months after your wedding)
4. The big whooper (Wedding dinner costing about 5k)
Haven't cover the the alcohol, gown rental and much much more...

All this I have to cover because my fiancee feels it is my responsibility...
So within the span of a year, I need to put away slightly over 10k (12 to be safe) only to watch it disappear...
And my fiancee wanna go honeymoon later as well....
Sigh...

I argued with her about this already and no solution in sight...

Damn sad...

That's terrible....

If you have already fallen in love, Money shouldnt matter unless you are in abject poverty.


Persevere dude... Try and reason with her.

If you two are really in love, she will be reasonable.

All the best.

This post has been edited by ezralimm: May 11 2009, 08:05 PM

Since u mentioned ang pow i assume u're chinese? Chinese wedding dinner sure can get back more money from ang pow (which your guests will give you) then the cost of the dinner.

sorry to hear of your problem, but if you guys are chinese then I agree it is your responsibility on the wedding bill, if you want the girls side to pay then marry a eurasian

Dowry 3k considered cheap

Photoshoot 2k considered cheap

wedding dinner 5k also considered cheap, and as mention you can ROI on this the same night, if lucky you may even make money

Conclusion, dont complaint, your future wife considered very very kind to you.

Kindness? I beg to differ. When it comes to spousal matters, you don't know what that word means.

sorry, pls elaborate.

lost in england.

spousal matters?

1. thats damn cheap
2. thats the compensation for (1)
3. thats damn damn cheap so stop complaining
4. usually u'll get all back, plus extra pocket money unless all the relatives are damn poor ppl

If u are planning that your fiancee should/could atleast contribute, then find one that does that.
Or else stfu and live with your choice.

And then three months later everything is forgotten ... because human will never appreciate things done for them.

http://www.answers.com/topic/spousal

nonono... i know what the word means.

But in relation to what moorish said:

she said she thinks TS' spouse is kind..

so you're being sarcastic? Or are you agreeing with her?

Sarcasm.

To have a marriage, yes u do need lotta money.

I guess this will just be the tip of the iceberg

1. 3k can be earn within a year so no problem.
2. No problem by next year also can gao tim.
3. 2k only, by next year also can gao tim. Girls like this, do it for them.
4. Wedding dinner you will get back the dinner money from ang paos. So you don't have to pay that much in the end. There is no written rule that must have alcohol. Even for my wedding I don't think I will have hard liquor, just red wine and yes I'm chinese. Nothing wrong with no alcohol.

If i remember correctly, you are the guy who post your problem last time. But no matter, this is a special day, for you, your wife to be, your family and her family. If money is tight, cut down on non necessities like maybe alcohol, or wedding car can borrow fren's car, etc and spend more on the necessities and fine details. Your wedding can look grand without spending the odd 20-30K. Get friends to help. Involve them in some decorations, help in make up, etc. There are so many area you can save in i think. I never married and dun know much bout marriage process but I'm sure there are many areas to save in. The pour out on more needed area.

Once you work out the fine details, get help, etc. I'm sure things will fall into place. Cheers

Wedding ceremony is such a waste of money. Just register and inform both of your family and friends that you're married by texting them, problem solved.

hope next time when married she wont think that as a wife , to chip in into the house or furniture is sad or degrading .
if she wants a honeymoon so much , she should chip you too . Irresponsible .
You people say all these is cheap , i would personally like to see you ppl earn that money .

TS,....when u wanna marry...u r prepare to spend money!

dun u ever think so? Tis is already started when the moment when u date her or paktor wif her!

Behind every love/romance, money is the 1 who playing the role actually.Only most guys become a "fool" of himself which they dun realize!

hahaha. and if reasoning fail, become a slave for the retarded mindset of his fiancee?

yeah right. love prevail my as$

dude...10-12k is not much for ur wedding lar...photoshoot 2k++ where got enuf...and the dinner 5k? u mean about 10 tables rite? btw have u consider furniture for the wedding room? my best fren just got married recently...and his expenses roughly as below

dowry he giv 8k but the in-law return 3k..so only 5k...the angpow thing i dunnolar..but then got request a few tradition stuff...photoshoot his wife wanna the best coz its the only time...so spend another 5k, the dinner cost about 25k, but u can take back wan mah...guests give u angpow wan mah...then honeymoon...europe n new zealand around 20k for 2...then furniture for room around 8k..(dunwan talk about house 1st lar) so total around 63k... not to showing off the numbers here...but to get a good wife at only 10k-12k..wahlau...wat else u wan 2complain..money can earn back..good wife once lost cannot find back...ok..10-12k..work harder a bitlor to earn back...wedding need to be happy mah...cheer up!

that's an example of a good wife?

damn. i bet she'll be running away if TS have financial difficulties in the future

the car i think u can borrow from frens + the wedding studio will wrap up the car for you...so that is not a problem..and its freaking cheap for dowry..

her dowry 8k.. wedding photos my cousin was 6k+ (but they shared together..then the rest all the guy kau tim + the mother..

if not good wife then why TS wan it?

What? Seriously, WHAT? Isn't marriage a union of two people? Isn't marriage something that both parties, like a relationship, is something that both work on together?

Even if I have enough money to cover all the expenses, I personally would think long and hard about whether its worth marrying someone with such an attitude.

A spouse with a "what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine" attitude will only lead to more problems down the road.

inconsiderate future wife

why do people abuse drugs even after knowing the bad effect of it? stupidity.

anyway, TS doesn't say she's a good wife. you did. as if you magically telepath into TS mind and construct an assumption of his fiancee based on his memory

good or not only TS knw lar...no need argue here....

i'm deeply sorry

my previous post was because of my inability to ignore people's idiocy. nothing personal

Obviously someone very insensitive to girls dream

Obviously someone without a gf

thank you, after reading your post you made me really really appreciate my husband

den i pity ur husband

I believe that those days, female aint working and the guy who works pay for wedding cost.
Nowadays, majority of female are working. In fact, some might earn equally or more.
Marriage is about MUTUAL. So that answers, who should fork out money.

I guess a considerate person would volunteer for the expanses paid, and not drain his future husband's pocket.
Girls's dream, yes...but guys do have dream also...to buy car, house and etc. If those need not money, then i believe men would be more sensitive to girl's dream.

Cheers...thats just my 2cents

....ur consider ok edi la~~~
mine is photo event all 4k+-, dinner (35 tablets x 400(estimate liqour), dowry (give 10 dinner tablet+ 888 ang pao i guess).... wedding gift 600

sumore we are buying houses....all come in one shoot....

be gratefull....if u wan simply then go skip the dinner part n go honeymoon staight

Since you mention ang pow, I presume you're chinese or married to a chinese gal.
Btw, welcome to the reality of chinese wedding $$$ pressure

If you fiancee don't want to chip in, then when both of you have a child. Then you're bounded to pay everything for the child...

You either save to RM 10+k or get loan to settle your wedding expenses... or get the money from your parent
Honestly, the amount you stated is considered the minimum amount in chinese wedding culture already...

if money is really a prob, give another year or two.

All in all, the cost of your wedding is damn cheap man. As others have mentioned, you will probably get back the money you spent for the dinner, and if you plan things right, you might even make money from it! I know my cousins did when they got married, pocketed an extra RM5k from the dinner itself. 15k within a year, that I think is well within your means, you could even take a personal loan to be safe if you want to. Otherwise, could you postpone the wedding date so you have a longer time to collect the necessary funds?

I think u must have planned and if money not.norenough u can delay ur wedding what..

i'm not married yet...
but i got a few things to say.

taking loan for paying the wedding dinner? that's crazy.
well, why not both of you register first and follow by honeymoon.
wedding photo and dinner can do it later on.
when friends/ relatives asked, just say that both of you are busy now, no time to prepare...

in laws asking for money? that is outrages. i would give the amount that i can afford to. they are not selling their daughter, why are they setting up a price?
ang paus is for the good luck and chinese customs. the amount is entirely not important. but not to that extent of giving just RM10...

if my future wife wants a GRAND wedding, she has to be prepared to help me... i'm not a millionaire.. i think my gf understand me well about this
i don't mind spending for my future wedding, but it has to be within my affordability. taking loan for my wedding is a big NO.

Ur wedding thingy is cheap.

Heck, I watched my sister got married last year, and we spent around 10k-15k, and guess wut, few days later, I saw a brand new 42" lcd tv in my living room, as the wedding guests were kind enough to.....well....sponsor us.



And to those who says that wedding expenses should be covered by both the bride and groom.......geez. Where's ur manhood?

dowry 3k if i assume u r chinese is consider super duber cheap!!! lolx. wedding photos also super duber cheap. i can say ur wedding ceremony sure super duber cheap ady!!!

i see a lot of idiots actully talks about how cheap it is.

you can't compare cheap or expensive based on you POV. you might be thinking that's cheap because you're in different income bracket compared to TS

its his fiancee mindset that need a major overhaul.

Dont say like that la, you try to look at things on the parents side, they're handing their daughter to you, means she will be the boys family side, the grandson all follow the boys surname. And its only respectful that you at least compensate back something and this for 2000 years ago has been practice the boy pays the in laws money/gold.

A respectful boy is the boy that I admired.

---

Added on May 12, 2009, 9:17 amask around it is cheap ESPECIALLY IN TOWN....it is still cheap if you compared to Mentakab wedding

This post has been edited by moorish: May 12 2009, 09:17 AM

If you're a chinese; then RM12K for whole marrieage is considered very economical edi
When my brother got married he have to fork out 3x your sum there.

If there is not a rush to getting married , TS I suggest you to delay your wedding... Engagement is ok.. For what I've seen , my brother is going to marry next year.. Drowy also rm10k, then the wedding photo cost about rm6999 during the wedding fair in mid valley... so TS those things u stated up there is considered acceptable for you enough to cover for this wedding I think.. No offence but just giving my advices..

That's right.
Don't you know you are suppose to be prepared when you want to get married?
This is only the wedding ceremony.
What about a place for you and your wife? What about children in the future?

Don't tell me you want to wait until the last minute when you have no choice then you whine and complaint here again.

I can see your fiancee is really putting up with you. Be a man, do your part. She deserves much better ok?

Lay off the personal insults if you have nothing better to say. Not everyone subscribes to your gold-digging ways.

its not personal insult, personal insult would be like named calling moron or stupid or etc..... I'm saying very insensitive to girls feeling, btw you just insulted me about gold-digging without any prove...go read my thread and comment again, it is either you didnt read the whole thing and simply tembak or you dont understand english.

OMG....My 21st birthday juz passed through and I used about 8k on it.... =.="

1)its so no problem....infact is abit too lil for me. (no sarcasm....its chinese tradition but 3k seems ok lar but the mroe the merrier lar)
2)this should not be problem...juz load in 100 each
3)Get your own camera man and rent a studio then start shooting....i think i will be doing this.
4)5k is impossible.....hope u can prepare more than that....As i stated above....I used about 8k for a night's dinner to celebrate my birthday. how can a wedding cost lower than birthday??? IO am not a rich kid but I hope when comers to ceremony one can make it as grand as possible. (e.g: hiring strings quartet, making the whole thing look so grand etc)

I guess if it costed RM400 per table....you will need at least 50 of them...That is RM20k , 4 times of what you expected....But nevermind...these money should be in your account unless you dont save.....Or maybe you can ask for help from your mum or dad.

I got a friend, one year elder than me....He married at 18 years old when he make his wife pregnant.... he made a small wedding dinner with only 11 tables....His dad paid for him....swap card for RM14k.... BTW the whole thing is average nia......

My father got a friend....son marriage no enough money to pay ...borrow RM500 from my dad and kater run away after his son married.....only after 12 years later.... He appeared and pay back RM 80 per month.....

5) yea...alcohols...I loved alcohols...... You can always subsitute them with red wines from carrefour.....

hope it helps...

F1meteor stated that he would not go into debt to host a lavish wedding dinner and here you are encouraging just the opposite? I don't mean to be presumptuous but in your mind's eye, jumping into a debt hole is fine and dandy as long as the woman is pleased (at least for like-minded women like you).

Funny how some people like to selectively adopt "traditions" in their lives as long as it's advantageous to them.

yeah... if cant do, don force yourself...

Re-read your own postings. Postulating a person's relationship status (i.e. implying that no girl wants him as a bf) and manhood soley due to a single posting are insults.

It may be insensitive to you but certainly not to a whole lot of level-headed women out there.

I do not need to read your entire thread - the first posting itself paints a glittering (pun intended) picture of your gold-digging persona. Looks like you do not even realize what you are writing and posting.

I think you better learn to read properly b4 you reply, I said he was disrespectful to the parents, notthing mention about the wedding, he can have mamak-stall teh tarik/roti reception for all I care, but saying the parents asking 3k is outrages? I think he and you is the one unclear of the concept.

BTW why you think bank offer loans for wedding?
Because they know people make money from it if plan wisely.

---

Added on May 12, 2009, 10:13 amWah...then your comment is not worth for anyone to read..
Its like reading 5% of a book and conclude the storyline....

This post has been edited by moorish: May 12 2009, 10:17 AM

wei, why suddenly turn to me jor??? my fiance gao dim everything for me la........

I'm probably the wrong person to ask for advice since my views are usually the outlier, but I feel compelled to say that you should probably think twice about marrying this girl. I'm not saying that she's necessarily a bad person, but if she really is the type of person who would feel that it would be degrading for a girl to chip in on her own marriage or to find ways to minimize expenses, then she's not my type. Since the TS felt that he had to complaint about this mindset, I'd kindly suggest that she might not be his type.

People who write that this is "normal" or "expected" are being ridiculous. This is his marriage, not yours. Marrying someone is probably the most momentous decision in any single person's life, and he has to live with it for the rest of his life. As such, he should get married only under terms that he feels comfortable and happy with, whatever they are. I predict that the TS and his fiancee is going to have an argument even over this. then they're unlikely to have a happy marriage.

Of course, moorish has her point as well. The girl seems to have her own mindset and she shouldn't be obliged to compromise on her dreams. Unfortunately her dreams and expectations seem to conflict with those of the TS, so the TS needs to decide if it's worth it.

It's best for F1meteor to respond to your query but I have extracted and re-posted his comments here for the sake of clarity:

in laws asking for money? that is outrages. i would give the amount that i can afford to. they are not selling their daughter, why are they setting up a price?
ang paus is for the good luck and chinese customs. the amount is entirely not important. but not to that extent of giving just RM10...

if my future wife wants a GRAND wedding, she has to be prepared to help me... i'm not a millionaire.. i think my gf understand me well about this
i don't mind spending for my future wedding, but it has to be within my affordability. taking loan for my wedding is a big NO.

The gist of it is that he stated he would fund a wedding dinner but not to the extent of getting into debt. It may be an insult to YOU but certainly not to a lot of folks.

Personal loans are offered for weddings, jewelry, vacations, etc because they know there are suckers out there who plunge head over heels in debt just to please some manipulative women. A bank exists to make money and not a guilt compass if that is what you are alluding to.

An internet forum thread is not a book, a posting or two will reveal what the forummer is attempting to postulate - in your case, it's plain vanilla simple => your mantra is basically "what yours is mine and what's mine is mine" in a marital relationship.

TS, u hilite that u uang x cukup.

so wat are u income first?

it dont matter what is the cost of wedding unless u give info on ur earning capability!


also
+1 for cracksys

no la.. i mean TS...

is force like that marry not happy, better not first loh..

sorry leh.. i not mean u cutie..

urs too...

for marriage, i would say it depends on ur financial status. both of u r getting married n is both of ur responsibilities to share the cost of marriage, of course as a man, we should always try to take full responsibility if is financially affordable

if u r having problems, share it with her and ask for her support, she is the one who will spend the rest of ur life with. and tell her about ur financial status after marriage as after that, life still goes on

Quoted FTW.




This post has been edited by n00b13: May 12 2009, 11:32 AM

hmmm... you won't know until you buy the ring and ask her to marry you

unless... Maybe what you can do is to discuss about marriage seriously. Plan your finances together for marriage plans, housing, children etc. if you are pretty sure she is the person you would like to spend your life with.

At the same time you need to be tactful. There may be a possibility of you finding out she is not suitable and you've talked about marriage giving her false hopes.

I think the best works on 2 mature individual who are both financially sound and independent. They can just get married anytime because they're both ready!

$$$ conquers all...even ur love ones!

Correction,it should be...."no money dun think of marriage"...or maybe dun ever think of having a GF at the 1st place!

I know ur fiancee is prepared everything for both of u

hahaha is ok.. i am not that mean geh ma...

hahaha.. he is same age with u.. he paid alot of efforts...

I know la....like einstein famous formula

E = MC2

Effort = More (Cash *Cash)

Ops.. no o.. He spent me but he eaten too.. I didn't demand what.. He brings me there and i asked him don't always cause expensive... and ur "einstein famous formula" wrong judge in me la........

Obviously TS future wife is very insensitive to TS pockets.

agreed

did u pay a single cent for ur wedding ?

NOPE

on top of that my hubby gave me all the ang pow money collected and put in FD

den u are lucky to have a rich husband , not every guy can do that .

FYI, all my frens I know off...rich or poor, their husband paid all for the wedding, only 1 fren she has to chipped in for the wedding photo shoot coz she wanted something expensive, the initial budget for photo was 5k she up the package to 10k which I think its crazy also, my hubby said can buy a good camera for that price anyway she paid the extra 5k.

I support rich guys to have as many wives as they can afford to.

How many times must repeat this wan ha? I think these kinda remarks are used to scare girls to think this way, but in reality, dun just think this apply to rich guys la, open your eyes and look outside in the real world. Financial standing has nothing to do with itchy guys.

Poor and Rich flirt equally.

Guy and Gal should save $$$ together before marry de wor.....

unfortunately, some pre-historic girls think that sharing is a sin.

Oh, so girls should all think like you instead? Waiting for guys to foot for everything?

That's so empowering, kudos.

In modern society, a man cannot have mistresses unless he can afford to do so.

Hence, more money equates to a higher ability to be promiscuous.

---

Added on May 12, 2009, 1:53 pmActually, it's being selectively prehistoric.

Some women wish to have their independence and all that yet insist on men waiting on them hand and foot.

A mixture of neanderthal and modern cro-magnon rolled into one. Greedy Eastern materialism paired with Western liberalism.

This post has been edited by SPS: May 12 2009, 01:53 PM

tis kinda gals...relation won't last long 1...only a foolish guys will wanna be with her!

and tis kinda gals...will nvr ever get wat they 1.

This post has been edited by b3rnard7: May 12 2009, 01:59 PM

shhhh, there are foolish water fish out there.

incapable, insecure + jealous very potent mixed

Good parents educate their children to be INDEPENDENT and not to be bloodsucking leeches. Education has been a vital instrument in liberating and opening new doors to women and here we have one or two deluded souls who insist that a woman's purpose in getting married is to secure a pot of gold.

Seriously, it's a slap in the face to all the modern women out there.

one word "money"?

I won't go into that whole "money shouldn't matter when it comes to love" speech because in reality, it does. Like I said, we do live in the city and sadly, you need to make a decent living to live comfortably here. I could live a secluded life at the top of a mountain if I wanted to avoid the issue of money, but I choose not to. I assume you've made the same choice I have.

This is one of those situations where a little planning needs to come into play. Most people only realise they don't have enough money when they are faced with the situation. Why not have planned for this a year ago or so? Fact is that most of us will get married one day and have children so why not start saving now? When you do get married, you had best start saving in preparation for a child because I'm assuming it's one of the reasons for you getting hitched. I hear people complaining all the time about not being able to save and most of the time, it's rubbish. It's all about prioritising. If something is so important, then eat less, shop less, drink less or whatever.

How about you start saving up now since you have over a year to go? If she is that important to you, make some sacrifices. Do something on the side if you have to. Sell insurance or something. Where there's a will, there's a way.

This post has been edited by Duke Red: May 12 2009, 02:12 PM

You're harsh, it is women's right to be a bloodsucking leeches you know. After all girls leak blood every month and it's painful.

Crude joke but I can give a chuckle to it.

To me, they are playing the classic game of self-perceived victimization akin to how some UMNOputras claim their ketuanan rights solely of their skin colour.

Both of them blame others for their imaginary "plight" and demand for special rights and privileges to correct it.

IMHO, i don't see what's the problem sharing the wedding expenses, since it's both parties event, but of course if the guy willing to and have the capability to settle it then would be good. I'd say MARRIAGE is rather more important than WEDDING. If one party not willing to compromise and sacrifies, how can a marriage last long even if you have a super grand wedding...

Just my 2 cents.

What I know about women is that while they all plan to get married one day, they constantly think about their dream wedding. Yes it may only be a symbolic gesture of holy matrimony but it matters. Unlike men, women start planning their weddings early on in life. Yes marriage is more important but that doesn't make the wedding itself any less important if that makes sense. It may not make sense to most men but heck, it does to women and we have to respect that.

I doubt any woman would disagree with me.

yup...I've been trying to tell these guys, look like you really understand womans tots....

I will add 5 cents here, first 12k for wedding is not expensive, I don't understand people here, why married when you cannot afford it, I am a guy and I actually support girls looking for husbands who can support them, sure wife must understanding and all sorts, but based on research, women likes security and the fact is that RM12k is not a lot for wedding so the wife/gf is not willing to chip in is understandable, do you ever think from women's point of view. Research or studies have shown that women actually have planned their wedding since they are 5 years old. They have been thinking and thinking and planning up to the time of adulthood. You said couple give and take?? This a a fair way, man pays all, children follows guy's family name, if wife pays some, would you also give and take and some children follow the wife name and also your name follow the wife name?? Everything has it's price, women follow husbands name, children follow husband name and wife has to give birth and look after the children, the least a man can do is pay for the wedding!! I always tell people this, if you cannot afford to marry then don't do it, wait till financial ok, it is downright selfish. I am not a hyprocrite, my financial is not at the right way yet so I don't get married and have gf. Marriages do go down in unhappyness due to financial and that is a fact.

Did you just come up with that preposterous stance that a man paying for a wedding is an exchange for his children taking after his family name?

What a joke!

I didn't say that, but I said man cannot have it everything his way, man wants wife to follow his name and everything else but when comes to money man pay nothing or wants to share. You can't have it both ways, it's a man's responsibility to pay for his wedding.

respectable guy

+ 10 for u... this is what i've the same thoughts as u..