Michael Bay promised that he would right the wrongs of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Bay started by promising that Mudflap (the ‘African-American’ Autobot) would be removed from the franchise and that there would be no such degradation of any race or creed. Then, John Malkovich and Frances McDormand were given roles for the film – all good signs for the franchise and Shia LaBeouf reaffirmed the sentiments expressed by Bay saying that he was disappointed by the second Transformers film and that everyone was working hard and long to make this the sequel that every fan has been waiting for. Well, those sons of b****es lied because Transformers: Dark of the Moon is certainly no better than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. If anything, one has to wonder if it is actually worse than its predecessor but I would not want to revisit both films any time soon for sake of resolving that argument.

As one watches this Transformers instalment, one has to wonder at one point on the thought process of Michael Bay because the manner the film pans out is so incoherent and vulgar that it does not only assault your senses but it insults your intelligence to an extent that it attempts to blow your brains out with its mindlessness. Transformers: Dark of the Moon is essentially three separate films edited to form a two-and-a-half hour highlight reel. At times, it pans out like a Victoria Secret lingerie advertisement, other times it pans out like a product placement advertisement and at most times, it feels like Michael Bay attempting to shatter cinematic history by having the most number of explosions packed in an hour ever on film.

I will provide examples of what I am talking about. In Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, there is a sequence of Megan Fox’s buttocks on screen as a pop-rock song is played. Well, once is not enough for this sequel, we get that same sequence THREE times. The first modern day scene starts as a Victoria Secrets commercial would start; with a slow pop-rock song in the background while the camera focuses on the naked legs of a female lady before it slowly but surely moves upward to her ass. With one of the sexiest ladies on the planet out of the film, Michael Bay needs to win our approval for casting Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and attempts to do this by shoving her bare ass right onto our faces (I mean this literally).

Then, there is the sequence of Sam leaving his office *cues soft rock music* and before we know it, we see another shot ogling over the shapely figure of Rosie Huntington Whiteley and then there is another such sequence later on in the film as if we haven’t got enough of such shots throughout the franchise. Then there is the product placement – normally this would not annoy me if the film were any good but it annoys me to no end when there is an assault of product placements every fifteen seconds. I dare you to keep track of the products on display: Mercedes Benz, Lenovo, Nokia, Double A and Canon were few of the brands I bothered with before I stopped paying attention any more.

Last but certainly not least, there is the robo-torture-porn with the climax being an hour long of explosions with buildings getting blasted to smithereens and robots getting blown, torn, stabbed and beaten apart in an excruciating sequence which almost guarantees a migraine. If there is one aspect of the film that is better than Revenge of the Fallen, it is the action sequences. I must admit I did not like any of the action sequences in Revenge of the Fallen be it the forest robo-fight or the climax in the desert and in one way, it is ‘better’ to have it back in the city, in this case Chicago, and blow the famous landmarks to bits. Though I felt that much of the action sequences was sterile and inconsequential for me to care enough to be interested in the film as a whole, there are two particular sequences which I was very impressed with; the folding of a high-rise building with much of our main characters in it and the fight between the two Primes.

I chose not to watch this in 3D since people have been saying that subtitles would cover a quarter of the screen but judging from my 2D screening, I think movie-goers will find the 3D screening more enjoyable. It is evident that Michael Bay has had a little bit too much fun with the 3D camera from some of the shots in the film – the redundant slow-mo sequences of cars transforming into Autobots/Decepticons coupled with the countless times of sparks, explosions, mechanical parts and robots flying towards the screen is clearly a conscious decision to aid viewers into making sense out of the images on screen in 3D.

Notice that I have not mentioned a single line on the plot of the film? Well, I am not going to bother with it and good luck to you if you are trying to catch up especially with Tuturro and LeBeouf delivering much of the convoluted exposition. Tuturro is unfunny as he is annoying and Shia LeBeouf ends up as hormonal and silly. All of the characters that we have grown to know and love (I use the term loosely) has grown more and more annoying as the franchise progresses especially with John Tuturro and Shia LeBeouf hamming up their performances to unbearable levels. I for one, would not be upset to see a Decepticon wipe these characters off. And as for Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, the less said about her the better as she delivers a two-note performance as either a supermodel prancing around as if she is in advertisement or a child-like figure trying to hold Daddy Sam back from danger, either way she makes Megan Fox look a competent actress.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon could have been made bearable if it had removed Sam’s parents and his love interest from the film and allowed the audience to make sense of the mayhem on screen. Instead, we are made to believe that more is more and the longer and more packed the film is, the better. Well, as it is, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is low in nutritional value and high in fat.

SENTINEL KILL IRONHIDE Im so sad