Probably has been posted before, but I haven't seen it - so SUE ME!!! (and bewarned, I'll get one of these attorneys to defend me)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ____________ ______
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTOR NEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None .
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________ _______________ _________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______ ________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

some are repost, some are new

i like the last one haha...no brains XD

nice ones i laughed at all of them

i like them all!
i also got one.

once upon a time an very great engineer die and go to the heaven gate. but the heaven does not allow him to enter the heaven and thus asking him to go to the hell. got no choices he has to go to the hell.

when he arrive the hell the king of the hell welcome him very much. the engineer is so touch and then help out the king of hell to redesign the hell. he create a air cooling system to turn the hell become not that hot anymore, he also help to plan the hell layout and make the hell much more better. after sometimes the conditions of the hell is better than the heaven.

the god know this and want to invite the engineer to heaven, so he approach the king of hell, the king of hell refuse, and the god say he want to sue the king of hell. the king of hell laugh out loud and said

:" how you want to sue me while every lawyer are on my place? haha"

Its a cool joke though i heard it b4, but it just chuckles me. I mean the attorney and witness joke.

---

Added on May 3, 2008, 7:17 amExactly....

This post has been edited by peinsama: May 3 2008, 07:17 AM

good joke should be bumped

heheh lawyer jokes

It's great lol, real stories are often the funniest, because you can't believe professionals actually said those things.

Yeah. For first time i read this, i thought this jokes is made by people. Then i read the description, its real one. I LOLed hard.haha

nice one..

the question they asked are damn dump

some witness as just as dumb

LOL.. nice jokes =)

nice LOL!

haha..damn to those lawyer

LOL... very nice very nice.. nonetheless..

where the fck did they get their fcking license?! (sorry for vulgarities... but u know.. I'm following Jenkins from Hitman the movie)

hahaha